My 14 year old is discussing “the next level” with his girlfriend

[Amandasummers]

What do I actually do?!

Girlfriend also 14. Both going into year 10.

i have asked him outright in the last week and he hasn’t told me the truth even though he knows he won’t be in trouble (he always lies no matter what, separate issue) I just feel really uncomfortable keeping it from her mum. I’d be fuming if I was her in the situation I think. I can see both sides and feel like every option I will end up wrong somehow. There’s no right answer I just want to do the best I can 😭

@GloomySkies

Every time there's this conversation on MN I am one of the outliers. I have to accept I live in a very different set up to many MNers.

Absolutely no-one I knew was having sex at 14 when I was growing up.

None of my teens' friends, or them, are having sex. Most don't even have boyfriends / girlfriends.

It's absolutely part of my dialogue with my teens - long before they were teens - what sex means and choices & management of those around sex.

You're probably correct - stopping him now, if those conversations have not been had - is probably hard.

I would actually contact her mum. Just say that you think the relationship is getting more serious and that you have had a talk with your ds about respect, responsibility, consent and contraception. It will then let her know that she needs to have the same talk with her dd if she needs to.
I have 2 ds’s and at age 16 they had serious girlfriends, I spoke with the girls mothers once they wanted ‘sleepovers’!

I would be fuming if I was the other mum too. If I found out my underage child was thinking of having sex, well planning to really, and another adult knew about this and did nothing and didn't inform me I would be furious. I'd consider calling police and/or social services tbh. The fact your son lies a lot is another huge worry. Have a chat with the other parent and keep them in the loop.

Best to have open, honest conversations about contraception and consent, than telling him/them no.

Absolutely - it's not about saying 'no'.

It is about really explaining the physical, emotional & legal issues around sex at an early age & reinforcing those regularly.

weve had many a conversation, they have both clearly still made a choice!

I absolutely would, yes.

This is really serious. I'd tell my DS I was doing it too, and have no issue in that regard

No. You don't need to lock anyone anywhere. 🙄

You have really clear conversations, early on about your own values as a family, the emotional, practical and safeguarding issues, and you reinforce these regularly.

As that time has passed for OP, I'd be clearly laying it on the line with her DS, making it clear it's not ok, is illegal, is unsafe for him & his GF, and really hearing from him why he thinks otherwise. Again, that's predicated on having that kind of open relationship with your DC

I agree with this.
Whenever there's a thread like this, there's always a lot of cool mums saying you can't stop them, have a conversation about concent and contraception etc as though its an eventuality...
You say its wrong, its illegal and you absolutely will not support it in any way.
He has his whole adult life to enjoy sex but right now he's a child.

Knowing where they are and knowing what they are doing are two very different things. Be very careful. If you are as controlling as you are coming across in your postings, you are risking your relationship with your offspring as they move into late teen and adulthood.

I will copy a part of my own post on a different topic.
"OP, I also met my DD's BF's mom. Basically we both wanted to make sure we are on the same page regarding curfews and expectations. I think she also wanted to let me know she thought they were close to getting intimate, which I knew, and told her I'd had the safe sex talk with DD."
The meeting was initiated to make sure we had general agreement, as our children were spending a lot of time with each other and at each other's homes.

However, before this meeting I was quite sure they were in favor of the relationship - as very welcoming to my DD - and that we had fairly similar values. I was very sure it would not result in upheaval or unpleasantness.
If I were you, and you wanted to approach the GF's mom, I would do it similarly to how my DD's BF's mom did it, as a general chat. Also do tell your DS that you will meet the mom.

I'm in a similar situation to you. I have a 17yo son who shows no interest in sex or girls. My 14yo son does and asks a lot of questions (mostly about my last relationships) but no actual girlfriend. I'm intrigued by having the conversations early. If they haven't had a girlfriend, the idea of consent is so far removed from their experience (mostly thinking if my 17yo here). My 14yo daughter is very private. What do you talk about? I think they'd say, "oh shut up Mum! That's so embarrassing." I know they have covered many of these topics at school (consent, contraception).

I would say 90% of my friends at school at that age were having sex and also a lot of the kids who weren’t my friends were as well.
Of course you can’t stop it! And no I wouldn’t tell her mum, way to ruin your relationship with your son. Just talk to him about protection and consent and leave them be. Best to have somewhere safe they can do it rather than behind a bush in a park too

Tell him you've seen the messages. Make it clear you saw them by accident and weren't snooping. Apologise sincerely for having intruded on something private, let him know that you are really proud of the fact that they were discussing the subject with maturity and respect and planning to be safe. Let him know that you are as embarrassed as he is and don't want to cross his boundaries or intrude into his private life, but honestly explain that you are now in a very tricky position given that they are underage, and if you were the mother of a 14 year old daughter you would really want to be made aware if she was planning on becoming sexually active so that you could help keep her safe, given the particularly devastating consequences for women and girls of unplanned pregnancy. Ask your son to ask his gf to have a word with her mum, and ask her to get her mum to let you know when they've had that chat.

@MerryMarigold
"My 14yo daughter is very private. What do you talk about? I think they'd say, "oh shut up Mum! That's so embarrassing." I know they have covered many of these topics at school (consent, contraception)."

Yes, mine did that too. I still talked, and was very matter of fact about it. I explained it was my duty as her mother to make sure she understood. Did not make a big deal out of it, and had these conversations in smallish snippets multiple times. Still do! ("You know you can take this pill for longer than 3 weeks at a time? But a maximum of 6, depending on what you like. If the first pill doesn't agree with you, talk to the doctor about switching to another or to another sort of contraceptive.")

Why don’t you phone your local NHS sexual health clinic. Ask if they have a service for under- 16s. Strongly encourage your DC and his GF to make appointments and speak with a care provider.
It sounds like they are already sexually active and they should speak with a professional about risks, consent etc.
They might not be aware that you can get and transmit STIs via oral sex.

Having a sexual relationship is a huge responsibility and they should have access to resources that will help them manage their sexual health.

Let's look at it this way, if you keep quiet about it, and the girlfriend accusses him of rape because (no matter what, remember people lie, and get vindictive when they break up).. and then ti's found out that you knew all about it, then you could have social services all over you, for not stopping it, let alone the girl's mum coming after you. The best thing to do by far is to discuss it with her mum, and come up with a plan together, even if that plan is to allow it, but in a controlled and safe environment.

Well it’s very mature they are discussing it, so that’s a good start.

I’d tell him you’ve seen the messages, you are impressed with how he’s handling this, but they are too young, honestly, for sex.

You can’t entirely stop them as PPs say, but you do need to do the responsible thing and talk to her parents. He’s going to find this hard, so explain that if birth control fails, as it can, then the consequences are much worse for her than him. Her parents need to know so they can talk to her about the fact she is very young to be doing this, and also about reliable contraception if they chose.

You’d want to know if your 14 year old daughter was having sex wouldn’t you - because while you would prefer she wasn’t, at the very least you’d want to keep her safe from pregnancy. Treat them as you’d want to be treated.

If you are as controlling as you are coming across in your postings, you are risking your relationship with your offspring as they move into late teen and adulthood.

@Unusualactualname

Do try not to be so insulting as well as inaccurate.

People have different parenting styles & live in areas with different practices. Not one teen I grew up with had underage sex. Not one teen in my circle currently is having sex.

The age at which most people I know had sex for the first time is considerably later than often mentioned here on MN. I'm in Ireland.

I don't particularly have an opinion on that. I do have a view on what's an appropriate age & life stage for my DC to have a sexual relationship & my parenting is directed towards their understanding of that, and has been for years.

At a certain time they'll make their own decisions about sex, and that's fine. I may or may not know those decisions - that's also fine.

14 is not that time.

It's possible to understand that different views and approaches to parenting teens around sex exist, you know.

The shit will really hit the fan if she gets pregnant or her parents discover it and go nuclear.

The OP a needs to model responsible adult behaviour to her son and talk to his girlfriend’s parents. He may not know it, but this is what he needs her to do.

Do you know her mum well enough to talk to? Could you have a conversation around 'what boundaries does she think ought to be imposed regarding her dd so they can have the same set of rules at both houses' sort of thing?

You can’t.

You’ve said yourself your son isn’t interested in sex yet. But if he were (and next month the hormones may kick in) - and he got himself a girlfriend and they wanted to have sex, believe me, they could. The urge to do that far overpowers any conversations with mum.

Knowing where your 14 year old is is neither here nor there, sex can be had in loos, parks, friend’s spare bedrooms, empty school changing rooms, etc.

We’d all rather 14 year olds weren’t having sex, and happily a lot of them aren’t ready for it, or if they are they can’t find someone else who is. But don’t kid yourself you could stop it if the stars align.

They need to know that condoms alone do not give 100% protection and she could get pregnant...

@MerryMarigold

😀 my 2 DS (14 & 12) definitely do this in terms of 'oh shut up' but it's done humorously & we're all very open.

Both have asked me some very specific & detailed questions about sex / their bodies, sometimes arising from casual conversations with friends (I'm a single mother so all these conversations go through me!). I'm really glad they are as open as they are. I'm very direct.

Like you my 12 yo is definitely more interested in girls already; my 14 yo has already said he wants to wait a bit before he kisses someone (obviously some of his pals already are).

About the conversations, I just have them a lot, and I do bring up serious conversations like where there have been assaults, cases in the news, issues around treatment of women. I'm not saying to them that 'all men' behave this way but that treatment of women by men is a topic I want clear understanding of, including consent, respect, ways to navigate difficult conversations.

I'm well aware that as older teens, my chance for these conversations will be limited. They will be in situations where I'll need to trust their judgment & values.

My 16 yo DD is different again - she has lots of male friends. Very few hook up. (Those with girlfriends / boyfriends meet them outside the school group usually). She's very confident but hasn't yet been interested but that's changing. I do feel confident in her ability to navigate relationships & situations that arise & that she can discuss these with me.

Ultimately there will come a point where my involvement will be zero so that's why I'm very focused on it at a young age & very clear about what's ok.

Regarding the conversations, I think they do get it, even before relationships - there's so much about sex / relationships between TV / social media etc. eg they all watched Love Island this year (I hate it) but we did have conversations around sexualisation & the portrayal of women etc.

Sure they probably inwardly 🙄 a lot but I still think the core points get embedded!

Yes me too with the snippets - often it'll come up in the car when something arises on the radio.

There was a particular case in Ireland where sports players were accused of rape. It was a horrific situation. They were not going guilty. But we had extensive conversations around the actions of the men, the situation the woman experienced, the culpability, moral / legal responsibility and so on. The idea that 'good' men can do extremely bad things & how that happens & could have been averted.