My 14 year old is discussing “the next level” with his girlfriend

[Amandasummers]

What do I actually do?!

@continentallentil

Sorry I might not have been fully clear.

I appreciate you cannot physically stop the act of sex!

But I would argue, broadly, you can work very hard at creating the situations where it can be prevented.

Largely with a huge amount of dialogue, agreeing boundaries, shared understanding of why sex at a certain age is not appropriate.

I know that situation has moved on a bit for OP, as her DS is already discussing it. I still think really clear, direct conversations about why it should not happen, coupled with proactive involvement in his day to day life, can be effective.

The idea of holding up my hands & going - I wish he wasn't but .., to a child having sex is anathema to me

(I should also say I know that other parents will view having sex (at a slightly older age than 14) as something they're ok with. I am not in that camp so clearly that influences my views! I accept others differ & that's ok too)

I do know. I know you are setting yourself on a path of lack of trust and a poor relationship with your offspring.

If you get two kids where their sex drive has really kicked in, then nothing you do will stop it - it’s the most powerful urge on earth. They can’t even hear you.

In many cases it doesn’t happen this early, and yes you can help steer.

But if it does, it does make sense to make sure contraception is in place and not to delude yourself as to your powers.

My DDs are 14 and 15. If they had a boyfriend and his mother knew they were talking about sex I'd absolutely want to know so I could talk through the consequences and lay down rules. As it is my DC have been told for years that the age of consent is 16 because under that age it's not possible to cope with the worst case consequences and impacts of your decision to have sex. We've talked about this in the context of other age limits as well and why they are put in place to protect children.

It's easy to be a 'cool mum' when you only have a son to worry about who in 99% of teenage pregnancies walks away and has no impact on his life. In addition those who claim '90% of people I went to school were having sex' are either lying or incredibly stupid if they still believe what other teenagers claimed at school. The average age to lose your virginity in the UK is 17 so 14 would be very young and unusual enough to result in a lot of negative gossip at school. Does @Amandasummers really want to put her DS's girlfriend through that?

I do know. I know you are setting yourself on a path of lack of trust and a poor relationship with your offspring.

Of course you don't! You don't know me, or my children.

You obviously haven't bothered to read my posts - my relationship & conversations with my DC are open, honest & reciprocal.

There's no question of a lack of trust or a poor relationship.

Your posts are insulting as well as incorrect.

There are aspects of my parenting I certainly question - this isn't one of them.

Anyway this isn't my thread so given that OP had specific questions I'm not going to derail it answering your nonsensical posts further.

@continentallentil

I both agree & disagree in part with your post there.

Of course regarding contraception and responsible safe sex, that has always been part of my conversations with my DC, from a young age. I've had conversations around sex with them, age-appropriately, for years before it would need to be an issue.

The average age to lose your virginity in the UK is 17 so 14 would be very young and unusual enough to result in a lot of negative gossip at school.

That's interesting Janina

I'm in Ireland, and it's about the same (a little higher). I'd actually assumed it might be lower in the UK.

I think age of course matters. I also think life stage & emotional readiness does. I was just about to turn 18 when I had sex, at university, with my long-term boyfriend. While that sounds ok, re age & life stage, I wasn't emotionally ready at all (I did it as I felt he would end it otherwise & he'd already cheated on me). We stayed together for about 2 more years, the sex was always lovely, respectful & safe. However, my sense of agency in relationships was never correct and I wish I'd started my sexual life on a different basis. For me that confidence around what's right for you, is what I hope to empower my teens with.

@Amandasummers
Have you decided what you'll do?

Mine knows the age of consent and I’ve been very matter of fact that they must be of age. I’ve gone as far to point out when they are 18 you absolutely should steer clear of anyone under 18 and if you think they’re lying about their age. Trust your gut and play is safe, say no.

I’ve explained outright the consequences that can happen from an ill thought out fumble from the potential STD, pregnancy or in rare cases accusations of inappropriate conduct.
that the best thing they can do for themselves is wank themselves silly (in private!) unless they’re in a committed relationship with contraceptives and they’re old enough and they’re sober and both happy to!

it is doable OP you just have to be very frank about it.

so far mine has been quite clear in their boundaries and what they want/like because I’ve made it clear they can make those choices. A recent girlfriend decided she was trans and had weird … requests… and mine said no, this isn’t something I want a part of and explained himself to the GF and broke it off before anything else happened.

we did talk about this after he was made to feel transphobic for calling it off. He wasn’t at all.

im on his side, he should only be having sex with girls his age who are sure and confident in who they are.

Well put.

I couldn't agree more with absolutely everything earringsandlipstick has said. I'm also in Ireland. Maybe it's a cultural issue.

I wouldn't approach the mum unless you know her well. My mother would have made my life hell in this situation. Not "you're grounded and can't see your boyfriend anymore". She would have done everything bad physical violence to punish me.

Don't encourage this or give them any opportunity to do it at your house. Advise him that you feel he's too young, make him fully aware of the potential consequences. Ask him why they want to do it- obviously teenagers are horny by nature but is it being emphasised by peer pressure, wider social pressure, issues in their relationship?

But at the end of the day, you can't literally stop him and you have to tread carefully if you want a positive and open relationship with him going forward. He needs to still know he can approach you if he does have sex and there's fallout.

Whew! At least I'm not fully alone in my viewpoint 😂

Not finished reading the replies yet but I’ve spoken to my son, although I don’t believe it matters what I say deep down, I don’t know the mum at all, and even though we’ve not met I know she doesn’t particularly like me so it will be difficult but I would want to know if it were my daughter. Her parents had her at 15, so I don’t think they can punish her and I would have thought they’d spoken to her already but I don’t feel right keeping it from her

FFS, they are children. Of course you should.

I would consider children having sex & risking pregnancy to BE the shit hitting the fan, frankly.

Speak to her parents and tell him to tie it in a knott.

Not one teen in my circle currently is having sex

How can you possibly know that? @EarringsandLipstick

Ok, if you are asking have I cast-iron proof, then no. 😑

But from knowing the kids in question, their parents, my own kids, the ways they interact & socialise.

It's simply not an issue. My 16 yo has some friends who are in relationships - not that many - they are not having sex.

I'm referring to the cultural / social context that I'm familiar with. Of course there could be teens having sex, but in general it's not something that happens till later (after school).

My parents thought I didn't even know any boys. Their friends would have said the same. I had a boyfriend at 17 who I had sex with..

I can believe it's less common in some groups but it's very presumptive to assume that you know for sure what all the teenagers you know are doing

And the thing that's different to when I was growing up (and not having sex) is the conversations that are had, much more openly & without worry or fear of parental judgment - thankfully, which makes it easier to have conversations about sex, and when it might happen.

Whereas in my youth, it was simply expected you wouldn't have sex until marriage (and I was a teen in the late 80s and early 90s!). It's a much healthier culture now. Thankfully.

@Batatahara

I can see it's hard to explain without sounding like that.

For sure there might be exceptions. However, it's precisely because my kids & their friends do know boys, have open discussions about sex and their views on relationships, have a wider pool of similarly-minded parents, that's it's easier to have a strong sense of the situation.

I couldn't imagine my DD not even talking to boys & hiding that from me. It's just not comparable.

I think a lot of teenagers aren't open with their parents about sex not because they fear judgement but just because they feel it's awkward, want privacy, prefer to talk to friends.

Ofc it's good to talk openly with your teenagers but it's spectacularly naïve to think you know for sure that they aren't sexually active just because they haven't told you they are

I had a friend at school whose mum was so enthusiastically sex positive and open that my friend was just too embarrassed to tell her when she started having sex because she couldn't face how over enthusiastic her mum would be

I wonder why people are bringing the age of consent up. That’s just to protect under 13s from being abused and stopping anyone under 16 from being taken advantage of by anyone over 18. The police aren’t going to care about 2 14 year olds having sex, it’s not rape. There’s a 2 year gap limit for under 16s who are over 12, 2 14 year olds can consent to each other.