Where is the joy in parenting?

[ihatemyselfinthisgrey]

After another fucking stressful morning with my 2 year old, I've gone back to wondering where is the joy in parenting? I can't think of anything I enjoy about it. Yea it's great when DC laughs, and I watch them learn something new, or they tell me they love me. It's nice, but it's not joy.

I keep asking myself why have I done this? Why was I so desperate to be a mother? Because nothing about actually BEING a mother is fun. I hate the park, I hate pretend play.

I fucking hate the cycle of waking up/wrangling small child to get ready/ going to work/ wriggling small child home from nursery/wrangling to eat, then more wrangling for bedtime.

I hate all the wrangling about eating, getting dressed, going to the bathroom(!!!!), washing hands - the fact my perfectly normal child, seems to think he needs to touch his poop to make sure he gets to wash his hands after the toilet.

(Am already on ADs, am not depressed, work full time in a job I like, have a DH who does 50% and more)

I want to know what joy/enjoyment others find in parents so maybe I can work out how to find my own.

So tell me, what gives you joy in parenting/motherhood?

Yes it's very hard. Very difficult at times and the relentlessness just feels endless. My kids are 10 and 12 and have done nothing but fight all summer. I'm counting down the years until I can go on weekend breaks without them lol

I'd say you're depressed and your ADs aren't working for you.

You're in the loop of focussing on normal parenting tasks and making them worse than what they actually are in your head.

Yes, they are difficult, repetitive and boring.

But you own your own mind.

You can choose to focus on them, overthink, and get more and more depressed.

Or you can choose to shift your focus onto things and moments that fill your cup. For me these are when my DS runs through the house to welcome me from work (he's 2 yo). His laughter and cheeky giggles. Cuddles. Open mouth kisses. Holding hands. How he mispronounces "tree" in a funny way. When he plays with DDog. How he brushes his lion teddy because he saw me brushing my hair. How he learns something new every day. How kind and empathetic he can be.

I also fill my cup with yoga, swimming, evenings with friends. One night a week I have a mini spa at home, body scrub, shave, nails, hair, the whole shebang. We go away as much as possible, change of scenery is good. I spend as much time outdoors as possible.

I hate DS's whining, tantrums. I find neediness, clingynesss, mess, overstimulation etc really difficult. I hate loud cries. I hate boredom and repetitive tasks. I hate being touched out. I hate being at home for too long stuck doing repetitive chores, I get cabin fever. I hate broken nights sleep. I hated these things from day one, but I've realised I'm not the only mother feeling this way and it is my choice and within my control not to focus on these things. I try to persevere and go through them best I can, sometimes better, sometimes worse. I actively shift my focus to be present in the good moments and fill my cup regularly.

Some of the things you said sound very familiar to when I was in grips of PNA and I have a lot of sympathy for you. It's tough and you need the right meds and therapy IMO. Hypnotherapy was a big game changer for me.

Try writing letters to your DC. I write to my son every couple of months from when he was very little and put these letters in a box which I will give him when he's bigger.