Where is the joy in parenting?

[ihatemyselfinthisgrey]

After another fucking stressful morning with my 2 year old, I've gone back to wondering where is the joy in parenting? I can't think of anything I enjoy about it. Yea it's great when DC laughs, and I watch them learn something new, or they tell me they love me. It's nice, but it's not joy.

I keep asking myself why have I done this? Why was I so desperate to be a mother? Because nothing about actually BEING a mother is fun. I hate the park, I hate pretend play.

I fucking hate the cycle of waking up/wrangling small child to get ready/ going to work/ wriggling small child home from nursery/wrangling to eat, then more wrangling for bedtime.

I hate all the wrangling about eating, getting dressed, going to the bathroom(!!!!), washing hands - the fact my perfectly normal child, seems to think he needs to touch his poop to make sure he gets to wash his hands after the toilet.

(Am already on ADs, am not depressed, work full time in a job I like, have a DH who does 50% and more)

I want to know what joy/enjoyment others find in parents so maybe I can work out how to find my own.

So tell me, what gives you joy in parenting/motherhood?

The person that came up with the phrase 'the days are long but the years are short' was a genius as, 20 years on from yourself, that's exactly what it feels like.

The joy I get from remembering the little stages are wonderful, and I have largely forgotten the drudgery, repetition and frustration of the early years.

I have joy knowing that I've created two individuals that are good people. I've celebrated their many successes over the years and I just neatly put the tantrums of toddlerhood and moodiness and the worry of the teenage years to the back of my mind. Stick with it - you've got this!

Don't get me wrong, I think it's fine to expect a certain amount of enjoyment of life, I just think that there are slightly more nuanced ways of experiencing that enjoyment and expecting Instagram highs all the time is invariably unrealistic. Parents need to temper their expectations of parenthood as it is hard work. I'd really like a dog and I fondly imagine myself walking in the sunshine throwing balls and gazing lovingly into said pooch's eyes, but I know that would only be a small part of it and the rest would involve rain, mud, worming, being tied to the house, paying pet insurance and picking up poo.

I've found it a lot more enjoyable as they've got older and more independent. Mine are now 10 and 12 and so much fun! They're really easy too. I don't have to do much.
However I also think it's a modern idea that everything must be "joyful" and fun. In the past this wasn't the reason people had kids!

It is relentless at that age but I did find joy in the little things. First steps, words, learning new things. It gets easier as they get older and more independent. I now have joy every time I get a spontaneous hug/'love u mum' etc as well as still being amazed at the things they learn even as teens.

Keeps me on my toes trying to keep up with them though.

I also think there's a lot of pressure on the word 'joy'. I'm not sat there glowing and thanking my lucky stars every time she does something cute!
It's so tough OP and I worry I'm not 'happy enough' with my kids. The truth is I'm just tired all the time and can't wait til bedtime or to go to work and the guilt and shame I feel about that is real.
You are not alone - you only have to look at insta or tiktok and there's thousands of mum accounts about struggling with little ones. They might be making a joke of it but it comes from a real place. 💐

DH was saying this yesterday. He said it must’ve been great being a parent in the 80s, once your kid reached 7 or 8 you chucked them out to play with their little friends and didn’t see them again until next meal time. Not only was this perfectly normal, it was expected - it was seen as a bit odd and mean to keep them locked up in the house all day.

Then just less pressure in general, parents didn’t worry themselves sick over their kid’s every mood swing or lie awake at night because they only had a couple of friends. No bloody mufti day every week with elaborate costumes expected, no driving around every night to extra curriculars, less obsessing over exams and screen time and bloody gaming.

I didn't enjoy the toddler years much. I prefer older kids. I enjoy parenting my 15yo much more than when he was 2.

OP I already posted upthread but remembered something. A book called Toddler taming by Green. I'm sure you are sick of reading techniques to deal with toddlers etc but this book gave insight into how the brain works and how we use rational thoughts to reason with a creature who has irrational thoughts and get frustrated. I can't quite remember details but I remember seeing things a little differently afterwards and found i had more patience.

Oh God, reading your post brought back those same feelings that you are having! I also wondered where the joy was-it was bloody hard work at that stage and soooooo relentless and often boring. It does get easier, I promise-mine are older-1 teen and 1 pre-teen and there is so much more joy and weirdly, I look back on those days with nostalgia (even though I never want to do them again!).
Hang in there-once they become more independent and become more their own person, hopefully you’ll start to feel the joy

I'm a single mum with x2 two year olds - I find getting out of the house best - at home I don't feel I enjoy it as much as always something needs doing and I'm on at them not to break this or jump on that. I do lots of free simple activities and it's then I enjoy parenting and feel joy - picking fruit, beach walks or rock pools, walk in the woods in outdoors stuff so no stress about the mid and mess - I feel joy about their innocent fun games or running in the sea butt naked or seeing them excited about finding a shell or leaf or rock, or the silly things they say ❤️

There are stages where they are just hard work and almost have to accept it as inevitable. It’s not helped when you’re exhausted from work and have an endless go do list. Is there any way you can get yourself a bit of a break by going part time or getting help in etc? They do usually get much easier once they get to 4-5

Kids are hard , my now 6yr old gotvalot easier once he started preschool.....I then had 4 miscarriages, finally had my daughter last year and despite the heartache to get her she is such hard work, I'm counting down the days until she starts nursery.....it's normal for some to feel like that, you're not a bad mum x

I loved the baby and toddler years. To be a mum was my purpose at that time and I did it. I enjoyed the playgroups and chatting to people while I drank a hot brew and watched my kids play. I loved feeling part of the community, as I was always walking up the road with him in the buggy, at the park, library or groups, bumping into people I knew everywhere. Although perhaps it’s just remembering through rose tinted glasses?! I struggle with parenting now, they are 8 and 10. I have a full time job which I enjoy and am good at. My 8 year old has autism and ADHD . My eldest is not diagnosed but probably the same. They are noisy and make a huge mess, argue constantly. I feel like I’m constantly nagging at them to tidy up, stop shouting etc. I feel like a rubbish mum with no patience.

I think it is cyclical. Sometimes parenting is hard and sometimes it’s easier.

I ploughed through the toddler years - my two weren't tantrumers but both very strong willed. From 4 upwards it got much better and from about 6 to 10 it was joyful all the time.

Whilst pre teen and early teen years were testing, joy is still there. Yesterday my 5 foot 8 dd1 got into bed with me (a mighty 5ft 3 for comedy visuals) saying 'I want mummy' whilst her sister pulled her off the bed by her feet like something in a cartoon and set about her with socks whilst the 3 of us cried with laughter.

I couldn't in all honesty recommend parenthood to anyone. It's a relentless, thankless task.

@ihatemyselfinthisgrey you aren’t a horrible person or a horrible mother, just a very honest one. I think a lot more parents feel this way than will ever admit, I think you’re brave. I do think it will get better in time, but I know that’s no consolation now. I wish you well.

@MummyJ36 that’s such good advice and so true!

It took us years to get our “miracle “ children.

Some days, when being an actual parent, I could have walked away.

Now, they are grown.

Last night I had joy in a text. “Thanks mum xx”.
A shout as he ran up the stairs “thanks for my chocolate thing mum”.

My joy is their sweet, thoughtful, kind nature, their happy, healthy life.
My kids are thoroughly nice and decent people.
I couldn’t see it back then, in the middle of those tough hard years, but I know that they come out down the line as joyous human beings.
Thats where my joy is. It will come for you OP, I’m sure.

It's a tough age and it won't last forever op. My 5 year old is brilliant.

I hear you, OP. I have a toddler and am 7 months pregnant. I just got signed off from work, which didn't help. Not much useful advice, I personally try to go out as much as possible and live one moment at a time, otherwise feel like I'm in a forever treadmill.

Sounds like yours is the same age as mines and it’s awful. I used to like taking him to soft plays and the park and things but it’s just a total meltdown when we have to leave these places now so it’s horrible. I’m about to have another baby too. Like others have said I find my joy at the end of the day, once the horrendous bedtime routine is done and I get to just breath my own air!

Joy is a very high bar. Try and find one thing each day you like or enjoy about or with your child. The act of doing it might help to retrain your brain to notice the little fleeting moments of happiness.
And it stops the regret later when they're grown up that you didn't enjoy their childhoods.
Often it's hard and the happy moments can be brief but we can try and be alert to them.
You're not doing anything wrong and it's good to post here how you feel and seek others views and help.

I adored the early years. They are like sponges, they soak up so much information and grow so quickly.
now they are 18 and 23 they are independent, although ds18 did get into bed with me this morning as he wanted a cuddle and to chat about going away to univeristy in a few weeks. God I’m going to miss him!!!

Some people don't struggle to find the joy. Are you like this with every aspect of your life or just the mother bit? Could you be depressed?
BTW it does get better eventually but if you are struggling now to enjoy anything you might need a dr

Thank you for starting this thread. I'm struggling this summer and it has helped reading the ways in which things change, and people's various moments of joy.