Where is the joy in parenting?

[ihatemyselfinthisgrey]

After another fucking stressful morning with my 2 year old, I've gone back to wondering where is the joy in parenting? I can't think of anything I enjoy about it. Yea it's great when DC laughs, and I watch them learn something new, or they tell me they love me. It's nice, but it's not joy.

I keep asking myself why have I done this? Why was I so desperate to be a mother? Because nothing about actually BEING a mother is fun. I hate the park, I hate pretend play.

I fucking hate the cycle of waking up/wrangling small child to get ready/ going to work/ wriggling small child home from nursery/wrangling to eat, then more wrangling for bedtime.

I hate all the wrangling about eating, getting dressed, going to the bathroom(!!!!), washing hands - the fact my perfectly normal child, seems to think he needs to touch his poop to make sure he gets to wash his hands after the toilet.

(Am already on ADs, am not depressed, work full time in a job I like, have a DH who does 50% and more)

I want to know what joy/enjoyment others find in parents so maybe I can work out how to find my own.

So tell me, what gives you joy in parenting/motherhood?

Two her olds are hard work. It will get easier as they get more independent. Hang in there!

I have a toddler and a baby. I find joy in seeing their smiles in the morning.

I find joy in hearing my toddler say please, thank you, sorry, in seeing her hug and kiss her sister, in seeing her want to check if her sister is okay when she’s crying and trying to comfort her.

I find joy in watching her discover new things, in her enjoying the simple things like looking at a butterfly, in her coming out with new words/phrasings/understandings she didn’t have yesterday.

I find joy in watching her bring others joy - family, strangers, other children.

Yes it can be hard work and she has her moments but she is never naughty and she’s an absolute delight.

It is relentless op. I think it's just trying to find the good amongst the hard work and struggles. Also two is a really hard age, probably the worst in my experience. They do get to an age where the good outweighs the bad but I do still spend most days doing activities I wouldn't choose to do if I didn't have children.

My two year old grandson is currently sucking the joy from his mother, up all hours, needing constant attention. My DS has just started his own business and I met someone who doesn’t know I’m DS’s mum. She was saying what a lovely person he is, really singing his praises. My cup of joy overflowed. Circle of life, OP, that’s where the joy is. I wish you well, and hope you find your joy soon.

This is such a good response.

Things will change OP. I really struggled for the first few years. Had one child and promised myself I'd never do it again...and I didn't! Love my daughter with everything I am (she's 14 now) but parenting a young child is not for me!

I think you're probably at a really hard stage. Mine is 15m, and yes it's hard work, but I don't mind spending hours at the park, or softplay, or playgrounds, so for me it's bearable. If you hate those activities then of course you'll find it awful on top of all the shitty sides of parenting like poo and tantrums.

It's likely that once you move out of the toddler stage, and you've got a sweet 5 year old who definitely still has their moments but actually talks to you, and shares their thoughts, feelings, opinions etc, you may find you get more joy.

Did you find the newborn stage hard? You may just not be a baby person, but you might come into your own with older kids.

Yes, this sums it for me I think. Which is not to say that every moment is joyful, some of it is shit and relentless, some days more than others. But I do find joy in all those things. Yesterday I got a nursery update in the app that said DD1 had noticed someone was struggling to put their socks and shoes on so unprompted had gone over to help them. It's those little things that give you so much joy and pride. I get a lot of joyful moments every day; DD2(14mo) learned a new word yesterday too and I felt like I was bursting with happiness about it and wanted to share it with everyone (even though it's not really that interesting to anyone else!).

I find it interesting you say you aren't depressed yet you are on ADs. Surely that means you are depressed but you are being treated for it, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't still depressed? Do you find joy in other things?

There's not a lot of joy through the slog years don't beat yourself up looking for it.
There is quiet pleasure in a bedtime snuggle and book or a laughing bathtime. Maybe looking at the art they bring home from nursery.
There is the promise of future days at the beach making sandcastles and watching kids movies at the cinema or under a sofa blanket with treats.
But 2-4 is hard physically and emotionally.
Try and make the everyday wrangling as easy as you can. Cut out bits that cause hassle, maybe don't do bath every night or just do finger food teatime on your lap.
My Dh and I used to take it in turns who did bath and bed and who cooked dinner. So nice to come down from bedtime to food ready.

When they're asleep.

This is an interesting reply because DH finds joy in those moments too. I find it nice, but don't FEEL joy. Just relief that it's not whinging.

DC is almost 3, very verbal, understands a ton, speaks a ton. It's not a communication problem.

Yes I hated baby/newborn too. I had a baby in lockdown, I was at home 100% of the time, from finding out I was pregnant to DC being 6 months.

It makes me feel like a horrible person, like I'm a horrible mother.

I read a great book when mine were young called “All Joy and No Fun” https://www.amazon.com/All-Joy-No-Fun-Parenthood/dp/B01L9E1R66 I found it really helpful - it was about (or at least what I took from it was) that while you might get these intense moments of joy/love, daily it’s all a bit of a slog!! And that the way we’re set up to parent in the modern western world makes it worse.

When mine were toddlers, I found joy seeing the world through their eyes: the fascination with unexpected things, the wierd mispronunciation of words etc. I also found joy in starting to rebuild my social and professional life as I exited the baby phase!!

I went to an interesting science exhibition recently about how the brain responds to dopamine. A section on parenting said whilst isolated moments of parenting provide a dopamine hit, being a parent removes most other sources of dopamine.

Find other sources of dopamine - whether it’s seeing friends, exercise, hobbies etc (and you do usually get a bit more free time when kids are older).

Don’t rely on parenting to bring you joy. Just do the best you can and hope your kids turn out ok and still speak to you as adults - I’ll be content with that!

That's what I feel too. But then I feel crap at that time of night. Tired, cranky, over touched.

We watch TV while also on phones and laptops and then go to bed. And do it again.

There's been some great times lately, but honestly my favourite moments are when DC is with MIL and I am child free without worrying about times to eat, sleep etc.

I know what you mean. I do find joy in my kids,m (4 and 5 months), but the bad days are truly awful and I can feel myself physically ageing every month if that makes sense 😬

However, if I had decided to not have kids and throw myself into my career, I would be complaining that it was hard work and that it doesn’t love me back. I would be a bit lonely.

If I decided I wanted a relaxed life with no kids and no high flying career, I would be moaning I was bored and unfulfilled.

So 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think it’s all part of the human condition really, coupled with the fact 2 year olds are very very hard work. Mine is much easier at 4, it would be a doddle if I didnt have to juggle it with her baby brother.

Basically just stick at it, about 18 months and things will look different.

These days will come again at some point, and for good, and think of how much you will appreciate them.

I've got a 2yo and a 9 month old and really struggle with it BUT they bring me joy every single day, even if I find it exhausting and I'm not a natural.
What do you mean about wrangling about food etc? I know toddlers can be so hard but I am huge believer in picking battles. I never nag or 'try' to get my child to eat. Food goes on the table, she eats it or she doesn't, end of. I only started this about a year ago (follow big little feelings on insta?) and it's changed my life! No stress, no drama. I don't nag her about anything I just can't cope with it! So something like she won't put her shoes on, fine we go out without them. She won't get dressed? OK, mummy is going to hold your body and get you dressed now.
I find the endless nappy changes, sick on baby changes, in the car out the car etc really exhausting. I really find going to work a welcome break 😂

Yeah I agree with @User65412 about not making everything a power struggle too. Parenting needn’t be a battle and you can easily stop it being one and take away a huge chunk of the stress.

I am not relying on parenting GIVING ame joy, but also, finding joy only outside of it, doesn't seem healthy.

I have joy in other parts of my life, DH, work, my mum. No time for hobbies or anything else atm. I'm either with DC or at work.

What chunk of time in the day do you get back when they get older? Because thinking of my mum and me, she only got time back when I left home. Otherwise it was work, or ferrying me about or chores (cooking, cleaning, tidying etc)

Well it's the part you've written off as nice but not joy.

All the things you've described as not being enjoyable I agree with - very little of the practical stuff is actually enjoyable.

But seeing their smiles, their funny little quirks, the strange things they say all bring me joy.

Also I think a touch of living vicariously, as I watch them loving the kind of things I really loved as a child, like Christmas and fun fairs etc.

Yes, not sweating the small stuff and picking your battles helps a lot. How To Talk So Little Kids Listen is a good book for helping you reason with tiny terrors. We use a lot of the stuff in there; it made a big difference to the ease of our daily routine.

This is an interesting reply because DH finds joy in those moments too. I find it nice, but don't FEEL joy. Just relief that it's not whinging.

Yes this is how I feel. It's better now DD1 is 4, although joy still isn't the word I'd use.

Yes I follow Little Big Feelings, we pick our battles, I'm actually very relaxed about routines etc. but DC takes an age to eat, we have to be out of the house in the morning by a certain time, so I need to get them to sit still to eat, not run about and trying to play, not get distracted by 100 other things they've rather be doing then sitting and eating. I use the TV to keep them mostly in one place to eat but even then, it's soooo much effort on my part.

My youngest is 16m and I get a lot of joy from her. I love to watch her discover new things, make animal noises and build skills like climbing. I'm a sahm so I don't have the stress of juggling a job, but it's very full on. Most days are spent doing child-centered activities and everything is organised to be toddler-friendly - swimming, music classes, toddler groups. She loves all of them, and is really active and interested in the activities and other children. The wrangling involved is fairly minimal, I often give her a snack to get her in the buggy but I tell her we'll be going somewhere to play and she seems to understand we'll be doing something fun soon. She enjoys bathtime and getting into PJs as I'm still bf and she knows it will soon be feeding time.

I have an older dc who is 5 and mostly at school. It's a joy to hear the things she's learned at school and the gossip she brings home. She loves going to the theatre and visiting different playgrounds so we've had a brilliant summer exploring London and having days out st different parks and the beach.

Stop wrangling? They can eat if they want, just put what you are having on the table. Give them more time for dressing etc, use warnings and timers to make transitions easier. I have a two year old and I definitely use the world joy, he is seeing many things for the first time. Try to see the world through their eyes, and find your own inner child. I also hate the park- find something you do like together.

I can see why op tries to get some food down them, if you don’t they just start whining they’re hungry half an hour later