Where is the joy in parenting?

[ihatemyselfinthisgrey]

After another fucking stressful morning with my 2 year old, I've gone back to wondering where is the joy in parenting? I can't think of anything I enjoy about it. Yea it's great when DC laughs, and I watch them learn something new, or they tell me they love me. It's nice, but it's not joy.

I keep asking myself why have I done this? Why was I so desperate to be a mother? Because nothing about actually BEING a mother is fun. I hate the park, I hate pretend play.

I fucking hate the cycle of waking up/wrangling small child to get ready/ going to work/ wriggling small child home from nursery/wrangling to eat, then more wrangling for bedtime.

I hate all the wrangling about eating, getting dressed, going to the bathroom(!!!!), washing hands - the fact my perfectly normal child, seems to think he needs to touch his poop to make sure he gets to wash his hands after the toilet.

(Am already on ADs, am not depressed, work full time in a job I like, have a DH who does 50% and more)

I want to know what joy/enjoyment others find in parents so maybe I can work out how to find my own.

So tell me, what gives you joy in parenting/motherhood?

I found 18m-3y the most difficult time. Each kid is different, but both of mine suddenly became much easier at 3 and DS1 was a full-on delight to spend time with from 4. Just good company. Stay strong: two year olds are mental.

You're not alone OP.
I hate alot of it too. However as someone said above, it's the little things like her saying thank you without prompt that brings me joy and makes it all worth it.
There will be plenty of nice little moments, you're perhaps just looking past them. It's very easy to when you're focused on all the negatives.

Don't feel guilty for not enjoying playgrounds though. Pushing a swing certainly isn't my first choice of fun things to do. There'll be a couple who will say they love it, but they're very much in the minority. Dads seem to enjoy it more for some reason.

That’s so sweet! I love the proud of herself moments too.

We had such a lovely moment yesterday when her baby sister “walked” (we did it for her!) and my toddler clapped her and said “yay good job!” to her ❤️ I just felt like I could burst with pride and happiness.

Maybe you are just not a young- child type. That's okay. Parenting is a long game and you might enjoy it much more in later years.

Tbh I do enjoy all the things you said. Mine is 18m so maybe by the time she gets to 2 I'll be fed right up but at the moment I can't get enough of her. Did you have things you still wanted to do solo before you had your DS? I think this maybe makes a difference. If you're not getting joy from your child then think about what would bring it to you and work out how you can make that happen, even if it's just tiny snippets.

I think it all depends on how much of a break you get. These holidays have been a struggle for me, dh works mon-fri so the majority of the childcare falls to me. I then work nights and don’t sleep afterwards cos I have the kids so I’m also knackered all the time! My only real break from the kids is when I’m at work so it feels pretty relentless at the moment. But they still bring me joy when they are nice to each other (about 10 seconds once a day), when they come for cuddles or when me and the eldest (7) have a really lovely chat about something.

Im looking forward to September when the youngest will start pre school and I will get some sleep and also some child free time to get things done. Also just to have a minute to myself without someone talking to me. Sometimes I just crave a bit of peace.

At the end of the day though I chose to have children, they didn’t ask to be here and it’s not their fault that I’m so tired and find it hard. So I try and stick a smile on my face and be the best I can be for them most of the time. And I think sometimes when you know you’ve done your best, you find some joy in that.

We have one DD aged nearly 2. I know what you mean about the wrangling, I feel very disregulated when I’m trying to get her into her clothes/ pram when she doesn’t want to as physically it’s battling against someone and it sets off adrenaline. IMO it’s very hard to parent when my emotions are high and DD’s are too.

That being said, I love being a mum to one child, and, to me, DD is amazing. Her hugs are so lovely, her increasing vocabulary is so exciting, I love seeing her giggling and playing, anything that makes her happy makes me happy.

I don’t mind spending time at parks, soft plays, bouncy places, swimming, museums, toddler classes, the library etc even though each of these activities generally has its somewhat stressful or tiring moments. I work full time but work longer days so I can have an extra day with her.

Saying all this though, we do have a “village” and get a lot of help, she generally naps for 2 hours in the day and sleeps through the night, my DH does half the childcare and our house is always a total riot with chores rarely getting done unless they absolutely need to be, which does get me down. I often wonder how I’ll cope on my day with her when she doesn’t nap any more, that’s my down time and that and my wfh lunch breaks is usually the only time any housework gets done! I definitely would not be as happy if I had more than one child.

Parenting is hard work. I don't think it ever gets easy tbh, it's more that the nature of the challenges change. For a 2 year old it might be getting them to put on their shoes without having a conniption. For a 12 year old it might be getting them to study or go to school. For a 22 year old it might be supporting them whilst they look for work. And so on.

I am actually glad these things are being spoken about more freely. It might help people who are on the fence about having children make a more informed decision about whether or not to have them.

I understand. I hate parks and pretend play too, and always felt like a mum failure for that! Sounds like you need to plan some breaks for just you, I regularly had weekend breaks away from the kids which kept me going! Also, if you need to leave the house at 7.40, can’t they eat where they are going? Like nursery or childminder. Mine always had breakfast there.

I understand you completely. I have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. When my first was a newborn I couldn’t understand why anybody had children as it was just relentless hard work. I was depressed and alone and had gone from being an admittedly selfish and lazy person to having to take care and responsibility for a baby. Now Im much happier and enjoying it but I am a SAHM and have a full time nanny during the week. I realise I’m incredibly lucky to be in this position but there is no way I could be happy as a working mother or without a nanny. You might still be depressed and not finding the joy in life but I can understand why. Having a job and a 2 year old must be incredibly difficult and it must be impossible to have any time to yourself or just to relax. Can you go for a few days break somewhere alone? Can you have some childcare a few evenings a week so you can relax? It will get better but find a way to take care of yourself. It does not make you a bad mother to not enjoy relentlessly working 24/7!

Op it's absolutely grueling
I've not read the whole thread but I was a sham and had no help or nursery, i prayed until dh walked in the door.

Looking back what would have helped me was knowing regular breaks coming up.

Having a structured day, with toddler groups nearly every day or soft play obviously walking there if possible /play park.

Home relax Bath can be good 40 mins. Tv.

Also i only recently learned all the amazing development they do at this age.

Obviously for us it can be madly frustrating, you cannot reason without them, and they are dangerous too themselves.

However i think if I had known more about their development at this stage and how to support it more i would have found it a little easier. Looks for early years stuff that nursery's use.

To understand all is to forgive all.

Definitely hang in there I think for me this was the hardest age.

It’s relentless. I have a newborn and a 3 year old and I don’t find much joy currently. My 3 yo makes my heart burst but also makes me despair, sometimes within the space of minutes. The newborn is still just a crying ball of reflexes that gives me nothing back and doesn’t let me sleep. SIL has the same age gap and has a 8 and 5 yo. She mostly seems to have a great time with her kids, and they aren’t perfect or anything like that. I’m hoping it’ll be similar as they get older.

Your key point is "she is never naughty"

If my two year old didn't excessively cry scream from 6am-8pm. I'd probably find parenting enjoying again like I did with my first born.

WRT "What chunk of time you get back" - fight for it, now, for you and your DH. Helps to be structured and regular so that you each know when the other is "off duty" without having to go over plans.

Regular non-negotiables for me and DH are him playing tennis on a Monday evening and me going to the allotment on a Thursday morning before work, but we add in more ad hoc things too. The other one is doing solo morning/solo bedtime, that's how it is.

Also, now that the bedtime routine isn't sapping as much of our energy we can spend evenings playing a game together, or he'll be model building / I'll be doing a jigsaw. Or we're watching something we've actually planned and want to see together. Things we look forward to rather than mindless double screening, we've got the energy to call ourselves out on that and say "what shall we do" rather than accepting the shit repetitive evenings.

(caveat that this is more my life 6 months ago than right now, for health reasons, but still 😆)

Thinking you're waiting till the DC move out is REALLY pessimistic IMO. Unless you're ferrying them to high level sport (I suggest not getting into any of that!), no reason why running them around should eclipse all your own time.

To be fair, no child is naughty because all behaviour is communication.

She has tantrums, yes, as they all do. But that isn’t being naughty, that’s just developmentally appropriate and we work through it together.

What do you want from this post, not trying to be goady just wondering? If its knowing that other people feel as you do then of course there will be those that do. Your child won't forever be this age which is hard as it requires you to be physically and mentally hands on. They will grow, develop their own personality, become more self sufficient, go to school, develop friendships, fall in love, break up, get jobs. They won't always need you to do the physical chores you do for them now and it will get less monotonous.Just because you are not experiencing joy parenting a toddler doesnt mean you wont down the line. If the experience has made you realise that parenting isn't something you should have chosen then at least you know to rule out more children.

As for what joy there is in parenting. I enjoy seeing them discover new things, learn new words, the change from baby babble to actually saying words in some kind of order, the emergence of their personalities. I love all the hugs and cuddles and the pride they have in themselves when they learn to do new things. Mine are 7, 6 and nearly 2 . I didn't appreciate the toddler stage enough with my older two as there was a small age gap and I was just trying to keep my head above water. With my youngest I recognise that its just a stage, won't last long and I've embraced it all. My older two are just so interesting and listening to them talk about their school day and their ideas is heaps of fun.

I remember reading to my DC with tears of boredom running down my cheeks though I look back with much love on my years as a mum. Now my DC is a wonderful adult and everything about them brings me joy.

I think 2 is such a grueling age because you are their entire world. I hated parks/soft play/pretend play centres because it would be this intense focus on me for the entire time we were there and I would be her playmate. I definitely didn't find joy in those kind of outings at that age.

She's 3.5 now and honestly things have gotten so much easier since she started preschool. I met with a friend with a child the same age about 3 months ago at the soft play and the difference in them both was astounding. My friend and I sat and chatted for the entire 2 hours while they just played happily together, likewise I took her to a pretend play center on Wednesday where normally I'm dragged from area to area but not this time, she ran in without a backwards glance and instantly made a friend.

She's also now into crafts and small world play which is much more my wheelhouse, she still does a lot of pretend play but is quite happy to do this with her teddies and dolls now rather than always getting me involved and I find so much joy in listening to the stories she comes up with when I'm in earshot but not in the room (I peeked around the door the other day to find her "reading" the tiger who came to tea to her teddies, which filled me with so much joy).

You're in the thick of it and some people thrive with little kids and others shine later on.

It can be utterly relentless, but try and see all these things as phases. I used to love when he sneaked in my bed and I'd wake up next to a squashed face with the biggest eyelashes. I loved every Hug, laughs and loves ❤️
I find the first was always the one who needed constant attention and someone to play with and it's exhausting. There's a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture technique. 💐

Do you work? I was a SAHM, loved it but not everyone is suited to it full time. Would part-time work help?

Seriously impressed that your 2 year old is pooping in the toilet 😁

What helped me enjoy parenting was realising that I don't have to do all the things I don't want to do. For example:
I hate baking with under 6 year olds, so I stopped doing it.
I hate being touched and grabbed at all day, so when it gets too much I say "no touching".
I don't want to sit in a dark room trying to get a toddler to sleep, so I no longer do it.
I hate treading on toys in the living room, so I've banned all toys from there.

I always used to feel like I had to comply to my kids' demands and wants unless they were completely unreasonable, and realising that I don't actually need to spend all day doing things I don't want to do was a big relief.

I find life in general can make parenting harder.
Honestly, working FT with a toddler means weekdays you get the worst bits of the day with them. Getting them up and out and then collecting a tired toddler in the evening. Then weekends you have so much to do to keep everything going that life is just such a rush. Even when your other half is great and pulls their weight it often means one is keeping kids occupied while other blasts through chores. In an ideal world I would be PT so I could engage my brain and get a break from being a mother. Whilst also having more time at home with the kids.

I think the biggest thing that changed between DC1 and DC2 is being able to be more present in the moment. Refocusing my mind so it’s not always thinking about all the things I need to do and just enjoy the children. The delight in my toddlers face when he can see I am interested in whatever it is that he is showing me. The kindness he can show his brothers.

With a baby and toddler some days can be shit though.

There is a big age gap between my older two and so I know all too well how quick the time flies by and they don’t really need you much and just kinda get on with things once they are teens.

Honestly, I’ve found few moments of proper joy. Occasional satisfaction; frequent despair; daily frustration; intermittent relief.

My kids are almost 12 and 7. The older one can make breakfast, make me a cup of tea. We go on long hikes on the weekend. Play board games. Family life is so much easier now.
Also if they are on the toilet and taking ages does it matter (unless you are in a hurry)? When I had no 2 DS1 was neglected a bit and I realised a lot of things I was stressing about was him doing it but just much slower. Funny because he’s still slow at everything- dressing, eating and life in general. DS2 is a whirlwind and I have to say: are you sure you are full? Have you really finished your poo?

Forget about moments of joy. What parts of your DS’s personality do you enjoy? Also what do you like doing in your spare time. We nudged the kids towards our interests (and yes many hikes involved whining and board games involved tantrums) but we are now at a spot where they like going to watch sport and music with us, going on long walks and can play endlessly on a beach.

For me the joy is when the stars align and a situation comes together, where everyone is content and in a good mood, and the sun is usually shining, there no rush and we are often outdoors and it’s just…easy and enjoyable.

The day to day grind is not where the joy is for me really, even when you get a smile or a laugh, it’s not really deep enough for that.

One thing that is pure joy is putting the DC on our office chair and turning some bouncy pop music on really loud and spinning them around.