Where is the joy in parenting?

[ihatemyselfinthisgrey]

After another fucking stressful morning with my 2 year old, I've gone back to wondering where is the joy in parenting? I can't think of anything I enjoy about it. Yea it's great when DC laughs, and I watch them learn something new, or they tell me they love me. It's nice, but it's not joy.

I keep asking myself why have I done this? Why was I so desperate to be a mother? Because nothing about actually BEING a mother is fun. I hate the park, I hate pretend play.

I fucking hate the cycle of waking up/wrangling small child to get ready/ going to work/ wriggling small child home from nursery/wrangling to eat, then more wrangling for bedtime.

I hate all the wrangling about eating, getting dressed, going to the bathroom(!!!!), washing hands - the fact my perfectly normal child, seems to think he needs to touch his poop to make sure he gets to wash his hands after the toilet.

(Am already on ADs, am not depressed, work full time in a job I like, have a DH who does 50% and more)

I want to know what joy/enjoyment others find in parents so maybe I can work out how to find my own.

So tell me, what gives you joy in parenting/motherhood?

Also your DH needs to be giving you free time, and you him. Work as a team to make sure you still can socialise, exercise etc. Are you doing most of the household and mental load chores? Stop. Share those a bit better too.

I don't know OP. It's fucking soul destroying at times. I often find myself daydreaming about jumping on the next flight out of here then I watch then sleeping and think what a bitch I am.

@Jamtartforme that's called a natural consequence. Food comes again soon in the form of another meal or snack. Honestly you can't and shouldn't force another human to eat. It's not good for anyone involved!

I think you should free yourself from some of the guilt you're feeling. I love parenting and I find (nearly) every day with my 3 year old a joy but I don't like going to the park and would be perfectly happy to never ever have to be Prince Eric for 3 hours again. Noone is finding joy in wrestling small children into coats. The things you don't like are perfectly reasonable things to not like and as much as I love time with her, I also love handing her off to another adult.

OP remember you are at an incredibly difficult stage and it's nothing but work for now. Just muddle through, try not to analyse too much. Some children are incredibly hard at 2 others are great fun. I have 3 and you couldn't pay me to go back to that age with DS1 but DS2 I'd go back in a heartbeat. But then age 5 was tough with DS2, whereas DS1 and DD were great. Now my youngest are 10 and we have the best chats. I love hanging with them, there are no more plastic toys around and a lot less cleaning. Life is easy with them. Older DS is 15 and I kind of hate him right now!! But I know it will come back around, possibly when one of the others goes through a bad phase. You'll have so many good times ahead I promise just get through the bad.

But who wants to be carting snacks around because the meals you prepare go in the bin? Giving them a snack isn’t a natural consequence, it’s teaching them if they refuse to eat more food will come along soon. It’s all time, effort and wasted food.

I’ve always found a lot of joy in my children. The only real downside is the worry/anxiety I feel, which if anything, gets worse as they get older.

When they were babies and toddlers, their smiles and excitement for everything, the happiness they brought others, learning new things, funny things they said and did all brought us so much joy. The love and cuddles from them too. As they’ve got older, seeing their personalities and relationships with family and friends develop is lovely. Seeing them develop into lovely teens and adults is really rewarding.

Do you have 2 children? That's exceptionally challenging if they're both under 4, it's no wonder when combined with working full time that even with a dad who (rightfully) pulls their weight you find it hard. The food thing for example wouldn't be so stressful if you weren't having to leave at an exact time, as you are though I'd honestly just pop something in a tupperware box and if your nursery/childminder/whoever allows it just say this is their breakfast they didn't want it this morning but packing in case they change their mind. Some will let them have it at snack time, others won't and some will be happy for them to have it whenever ready. They'll either eat it when they're hungry or they'll learn oop better eat before we go. They won't starve.

We only have one child and I did indeed find more joy in parenting once they started school, this also coincided with me finding more joy of my own. I love it now, but you couldn't pay me a million quid to go back to the baby/toddler stage. I'd say don't be so hard on yourself about what you think you should feel.

I found joy when they became teenagers. Not that it was always shit until then. Toddlers are hard. It gets better incrementally.

I just love watching them learn about the world around them. It brings me endless joy. I genuinely find the world more delightful when I see it through the eyes of my children. I find it so exciting and beautiful to do all of this childhood stuff again.

Currently in bed drinking hot tea and I can hear my 3 year old playing with imaginary friends and my 1yo playing with her dad and it’s making me smile so much.

Maybe I’m just really boring!

They ARE hungry! But would rather line up all the toys instead of sitting down and eating first!

I use all the shit that's been described, timers, warnings, we pre queue transitions, but we still have to leave the house at 7.40.

DH does a lot of mental load too. He does dinners, drop offs, playing lots. We split chores.

DC is great! They are amazing, not a particularly 'naughty' child, just 300% energy on all the time. They've dropped the nap at nursery so the walk back is dominated by making sure they stay awake. But it's bloody tiring, FTE job, commute to get them, walk home while being chirpy, cheerful to keep them awake. Then it's full on, dinner, play, bedtime. We don't do bath every night, we do easy dinners. They help to choose.

I am just OVER the whole thing.

Two year olds are hard work! There is so much pressure on mothers these days to enjoy every single moment. This is unrealistic and unfair. You are not obliged as a parent to love every moment. You are obliged to feed them, clothe them, give them a safe living space and let them know you love them. I’m a very creative person and have always found pretend play absolutely soul destroying. It was the one big thing I thought I’d enjoy when I had kids but I never have!

This generation of parents are under so much pressure to be everything to their kids, parent, playmate, best friend. It is impossible. If you’d asked your mother of your grandmother if they’d enjoyed every moment of parenting I’m sure it would have been a resounding no!

I applaud your honesty OP. Mine are now 22 & 19 and in some ways it’s harder now as the stresses and worries can be more serious. I loved the 3-10 phase and you’re nearly there.Your situation is harder because you’re parenting before and after work so time pressure is stressful and 2 year olds do not appreciate the rush. I was sahm at that age so didn’t have that. Hang in there im sure once 3+ it will start to ease and then more so once at school.

I have three older ones now and I wouldn’t have found it joyful working full time but that’s just me. I did enjoy most of it as a SAHM because I could rest and recharge when I got the chance to do so. I mean I’ll get flamed for this but working full time + little ones just sounds very joyless to me (but I’m also not stupid and realise it’s an absolute necessity for many families in this day and age). Maybe you’re just totally worn out?

Also just say say, my own mother gave me some really good advice that sometimes we excel at parenting at different ages. Some parents love the little kid phase and struggle with the older child / teenage bit. Some parents feel like a shell of a person with little ones but once they get bigger that’s when they get into their groove. I love that I can take DC1 to the theatre with me now, it’s one of my big passions and I love sharing it with them now that they’re old enough to enjoy it. I found the 1-3 years hard too. Once they hit 3 I felt like things started to get a lot easier.

Okay, so it’s time to leave the house and they haven’t sat still and eaten. That’s a shame, but we have to leave now.

Natural consequences.

Who said you have to cart around snacks?

They will just have to wait until the next meal time. Natural consequences. They soon learn when you are committed and stick to it.

When you mentioned lining up toys first, are you feeding them with toys around? Remove the distraction.

@TheBarbieEffect at that point there is screaming and tears for an hour. I cannot handle that level of noise. It already happens at least once about sometime. I tried to make meal times relaxed, the food stays in one place, he can come and go, or I sit next to him to feed him, but it's constant cajoling (!!)

Thank you to others who have been kind, and shared their joys. It's actually really really nice reading it.

I found the early years hard in lots of ways. Mainly because very few things that the DC enjoyed were things I also enjoyed. And there is soooo much fucking drudge work.

I felt plenty of pride in their achievements, but actual relaxed joy was thin on the ground until we were on a half board beach holiday pre-covid. Not having to cook or clear up every evening was suddenly a MASSIVE weight lifted and I started finding other aspects of hanging out with the DC much more enjoyable.

I've basically found that the more drudge there is, the less capacity I have for joy. As they have got older and we can say things like "Go and have a shower and get ready for bed" and it actually happens, I have a lot more mental energy.

Basically, not from a 2 year old. 4 year olds are better and 6 year olds are great! As time progresses, children become more reasonable but still cute.

E.g. My 6 yo daughter and I went to the museum yesterday then came home and made dinner together while pretending to be dinosaurs. The whole thing was full of joy. I even enjoyed being on the tube with her, seeing the quizzical glances from other passengers at her book about atoms (she loves science). I wouldn't have believed such a pleasant day was possible when she was 1/2/3.

Thank you! That's what I'm holding out for. Not repeating myself 300x.

Have you finished on the toilet? Are you finished? Concentrate! You are still on the toilet. HAVE YOU FINISHED?!?

I would walk away from the toilet/pot and say call me when finished.

They become much easier just when they're about to start school.