Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My mother has died and I'm away on holiday

129 replies

Devastatedx · 22/08/2023 01:44

My sister rang. She found her. I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. I feel sick and am in a terrible panic. My beloved mum. Oh god....

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 22/08/2023 09:10

I'm so very sorry for your loss. 💐

MillWood85 · 22/08/2023 09:12

What an awful shock for you and your sister.

If your sister has support, the reality is that there is absolutely nothing you can do and you're going to feel horrible wherever you are.

It's a hard decision, but I wouldn't add travelling onto how you're already feeling - take a few days and let the shock wear off a little.

Lakeyloo · 22/08/2023 09:28

I'm so sorry @Devastatedx What an awful, sad shock for you all.
My Grandma died suddenly while my Mum was away on holiday. There was nothing she could do in the immediate days after, and nothing that would change by coming back early. There isn't really anything anyone can do in the first few days.
Norway is such a beautiful place to reflect, remember, and get yourself in the right place to face things when you get home.
Spend some quality time with your DP and DC, and remember your lovely Mum.

knobheed99 · 22/08/2023 09:37

I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad also died suddenly a few years ago. It's the most horrendous shock. I live abroad and it took me over a week to be able to get back to the UK because of needing to book transport (which wasn't as easy as you might think).
During that time nothing could be done anyway because he had to have a post mortem and that took quite a while. I did start phoning around the solicitor, funeral director and few other places. I really can't remember now - it's such a blur. If someone asked me what the procedure is after a sudden death I would have no idea.
I would recommend you stay where you are, especially as you would be leaving on Friday anyway. You don't have to go out anywhere if you don't want to. Just do what feels right at the time.

BIossomtoes · 22/08/2023 09:52

So very sorry. I can completely understandable that your first instinct is to be at home surrounded by all that’s familiar and comforting. If you can get back I would. I feel for you so much, losing your mum is one of the toughest things we face in this life. 💐

viques · 22/08/2023 10:00

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be a terrible shock. People who are saying there is nothing you can do are right, there is nothing you can do, but that doesn’t stop you wanting to be there, for your mum and for your sister. I think my instinct would be to try to get home asap, as others have said see if there is a possibility your travel insurance can cover the extra cost .

Trickedbyadoughnut · 22/08/2023 10:06

So sorry for your loss 💐

billy1966 · 22/08/2023 10:10

RIP Jean.

I am so sorry OP.

What a terrible call to receive and to have to make.

Your poor sister too.

You will be in shock for a long time OP, so don't be surprised at that, before you grieve.

An unexpected death is the most difficult thing to absorb.

Take it one hour at a time and expect nothing of yourself.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 22/08/2023 10:13

Oh no OP I’m so sorry 💐

I agree with your sister that you should stay on holiday.

Your DH can take your DS out sightseeing whilst you just relax if that’s what you want to do.

I assume you’re in a hotel, so not having to think about cooking or cleaning or any of the other mundane stuff that comes with life may be better for you right now.

If you want to go home then go, DH and DS can stay and then you’ll have some time to yourself at home anyway.

But do not feel guilty if you want to stay and enjoy your holiday, as this is what your mum would have wanted.

Grief often doesn’t hit us straight away and you may find that you are oddly happy or excited and feel bad for feeling that way. But don’t feel guilty, as that’s normal and it may hit you a few days/weeks/months later.

spiderlight · 22/08/2023 10:15

I am so very sorry, OP. Thinking of you.

Cynicaltheorist · 22/08/2023 10:46

I'm sorry for you loss. If I was your lovely mum I'd tell you to continue your holiday and have as good a time as possible. There's nothing you can do, particularly now that a post mortem has been requested which will delay funeral plans.

Your sister sounds like a good 'un and she's given you permission to continue as planned, so no issues between siblings. I hope your DH is the sort who will be able to provide you with the care and support you need right now. I had the knock on the door in the early hours when my DD died and I can remember the shock and inability to do or think much in the following 48 hours. Poor you.

SirVixofVixHall · 22/08/2023 10:46

I am so sorry to read this OP. I know how it feels to lose your Mum, and a sudden death is very hard to process and a huge shock.
As there needs to be a PM everything will take a little bit longer, so you don’t need to rush home, unless your sister needs you there for support.
You will probably veer between different emotions, the shock can make everything seem unreal. I know when I lost a close family member suddenly, that it felt like a dream, I couldn’t process it properly for ages.
Once you get home and the PM has been done , then you will be able to plan the funeral and you will have various admin things to do, once the death has been registered then there are things like bank accounts etc.
I think it varies by area how quickly the PM is done and results through, I know with a relative it added about a week onto the time before the funeral .
My heart goes out to you, I am very sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum.

RB68 · 22/08/2023 10:47

Your sister is right - its only a waiting game over here if there is to be a post mortem. Stay in touch with your sister and keep things low key if that helps you deal with things whilst you are away. Its only the sake of a couple of days and nothing much will happen in that time. Maybe if you want to do things find a good photo or two of your Mum and share with your sister/family and have a think about the service etc.

There is no need for panic as there is nothing to do, its easy enough to phone a funeral directors and sort a date for the funeral but even that can't happen till the results of the PM as nothing will get signed off for the FD in that time.

My condolences and a big hug.

EmmaPaella · 22/08/2023 10:50

I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum Jean.

When my Dad died, my sister had just landed in another country. My Mum told her to stay and she was able to take over from me a week later. It was on reflection good to take it in turns.

SophiaElizabethGrace · 22/08/2023 11:09

So sorry for your loss, RIP Jean 🧡
I can really understand what you're feeling as I've also experienced similar circs. That blind panic, shock, grief and having no idea what to do. I can recall thinking that as an adult I should know what to do because I make decisions all day, every day but I actually needed someone to tell me what actions to take. My head was an utter mess.

I think that only you can decide whether or not to return home on early. Just try and eat and drink and then maybe discuss it with your family when you're ready. It feels like you have to rush because your mind is all over the place but take a breath then take each hour at a time.

feelingfree17 · 22/08/2023 11:17

So sorry to hear your lovely Mum Jean has passed. What a shock for you.
When my father passed away we were due to go on holiday the next day. With the blessing of my family, we went. I am really pleased I did, as there was nothing I could do, and it gave me some breathing space to process what had just happened. I think our automatic reaction is to feel we need to be there, but this isn’t necessarily the case.
Only you can decide, but if I were you, I would stay. Am sure your lovely Mum would want that too 💐

uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/08/2023 11:21

I'm so sorry for your sudden loss of your DM Jean
I'm sure she would want you to stay and enjoy your surroundings
It's now 2 days until you return so although agonising perhaps you could listen to her favourite songs or find a church and light a candle
We had a similar situation with DS's Grandmother died whilst he was in his final week of a trip to Australia
She was delighted he was having a trip of a lifetime and wouldn't have wanted him to cut that short

UrsulaBelle · 22/08/2023 11:32

I’m so sorry, OP. My lovely mum, also Jean ❤️, died when I was on the second day of a 5 day canal boat holiday with my DC, their only holiday that year. I’m divorced so it was just me with my DC. It would have taken us a day to motor the canal boat back to the boatyard, so we continued with the holiday. My brother and sister encouraged me to as there was nothing I could have helped with immediately. It was a strange old holiday. I tried to keep it fun for my DC, and I felt strangely insulated and disassociated from mum’s death until we got home 3 days later. I felt guilty that we’d continued with the holiday and I still find it hard to explain it to people. But it was the right thing to do at the time and didn’t mean I loved her any less.

Mammyloveswine · 22/08/2023 12:03

Oh op im so sorry for your loss.

Do you want to tell us more about your lovely mum?

Be kind to yourself and take each day one at a time.

I lost my mam very suddenly too, at Christmas. Due to the time of year snd her also needing a post mortem it was a long time between her death and the funeral and that awful limbo just seemed to last forever.

Sending you so much love.

Bandyarsia · 22/08/2023 12:56

I would stay OP, if you lived in Ireland it would be another matter as funerals happen within a couple of days here.

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 22/08/2023 17:21

Gosh I'm SO sorry @Devastatedx Having lost my parents (when I was only in my 30s) I feel your pain my lovely. Flowers How old was she? Flowers R.I.P Jean xxx

Original poster
Devastatedx · 23/08/2023 19:28

Thank you for your kind words. My dear Mum was 81. Unfortunately she will need a post mortem due to the unexpected death. It's not going to happen until next week. So we decided to stay here and fly back Friday.

I feel broken. Tbh if I didn't have children I'm not sure I'd carry on. We were so close. My parents were divorced and my sister had left home. So it was me and Mum until I left home at the age of 30.

She was a fabulous knitter and seamstress.

I just want to phone her or hug her.

Tell your nearest and dearest every day how much you love them 😭

OP posts:
tinkertots · 23/08/2023 19:47

Really, really sorry to hear this OP Flowers your mum sounds lovely - I'm sure you will have so many beautiful memories to cherish of time spent with her. There are no words Flowers

Netaporter · 23/08/2023 20:11

Aww @Devastatedx i’ve lost both parents in the last 18 months. It does get easier. Hugs to you.

SapphireSeptember · 23/08/2023 23:55

I'm so sorry OP. Flowers You mum sounds lovely. ❤️ You'll be home soon, and then you'll have your sister to lean on.