Page 4 | My mother has died and I'm away on holiday

MrsMarzetti · 22/08/2023 08:02

I am so sorry to hear your Mum has died. Do whatever you feel you need to do

Againstmachine · 22/08/2023 08:04

Don't rush back early, your sister will take care of what's needed til you get back that said if you need to that's also okay.

Take care of yourself.

On a practical side make sure your mobile roaming package includes lots of calls etc, I know it sounds irrelevant but you do t want to be hit with a big bill in middle of all this.

I lost my mum last year so know how you feel, thoughts are with you.

justasking111 · 22/08/2023 08:04

So sorry for your loss. Both OH parents died suddenly. None of us were there. Brother abroad in one case took three days to get home on boats and trains. Absolutely nothing happens in those few days, the wheels turn slowly.

frumpalertt · 22/08/2023 08:06

I am so, so sorry for your loss. This is literally my worst nightmare, and I am so sad that you are going through it.

Your post reminds me of Helen Macdonald's wonderful H is for Hawk, where she finds out her father has died shortly before going out to dinner with a friend. She decides to go out anyway, clearly in a state of disbelief and shock, with the truth gradually settling around her in awful fragments. What I'm trying to say is that I think that confusion and a kind of paralysis are really common in this first phase of grief. It's like the mind protects us from the overwhelming nature of loss. I don't think there's a right or wrong decision here, but I suspect you might be best off heading home and allowing the loss to percolate through with friends and family who love you. There is a lot of very tedious death admin to go through in the first days, and being around can be a huge support. But you should in no way feel guilty if this just isn't possible. My heart really goes out to you, I do wish you all the best.

Honeyroar · 22/08/2023 08:13

Oh I’m so very sorry. You must be reeling. There is very little, if anything, going to happen between now and Friday, so if it’s going to be difficult to organise going back early I wouldn’t bother. That said, your airline might help you if you ask. It really depends on you. Neither way is right or wrong. But speaking practically, they’re unlikely to get everything done and release the death certificate before you get home. So spend this time trying to get your head round what’s happened. You can speak with your sister on the phone. Huge hugs to you.x

Songbird74 · 22/08/2023 08:15

I’m so very, very sorry for your loss @Devastatedx. Sending you much love x

hlc123 · 22/08/2023 08:18

I am so sorry for your loss

Hoppinggreen · 22/08/2023 08:21

Devastatedx · 22/08/2023 01:44

My sister rang. She found her. I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. I feel sick and am in a terrible panic. My beloved mum. Oh god....

I am so sorry
The same thing happened to me last March, we were on day 4 of a 7 day trip to France when my brother called to say my Mum had died. It was unexpected.
We had 2 of the DCs friends with us as well which made it even more difficult.
You choose what is right for you but we decided to carry on with our holiday, there was absolutely nothing I could do back home and my Mums last words to me were “have a lovely holiday and text me photos” - so I did just that.
We actually did manage to enjoy the last few days, we raised a few glasses to her. It wasn’t until we landed back in The UK that I crumbled.

NeedToChangeName · 22/08/2023 08:21

What a shock. RIP Jean

OP, if your sister says to stay in Norway, then I'd think absolutely fine to do that, if that's easier for you. Or come home if you prefer. Either option is fine. There will be plenty of opportunity for you and your sister to grieve and support each other

golddustwomen · 22/08/2023 08:25

So sorry for your loss op

Rottenapples · 22/08/2023 08:27

Both of my parents each lost a parent within a day of each other while they were in another country for my wedding. The were meant to stay for a week but just made it through the wedding and left the day after. I really really felt for them, poor things.

Roselilly36 · 22/08/2023 08:27

So sorry OP

EggOverEasy · 22/08/2023 08:29

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. 💐 Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do.

Andthereyougo · 22/08/2023 08:29

I’m so sorry. A sudden loss is a terrible shock, you’ll think it’s all mental shock with your thoughts going from one thing to another yet with a frozen feeling. There’s also a lot of physical effects due to all the hormones released. Drink lots of water even if you can’t eat, don’t worry if you can’t eat.
There is a limbo time between the death and the funeral, I had to wait 3 weeks for DH’s body to be flown to the UK then a PM, then funeral arrangements etc.
I think stay where you are , breathe, maybe let your DH take DC out and you can rest, talk to your sister etc.. I found writing thoughts down helped.
Im sorry, I’m just offering random things. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

winewolfhowls · 22/08/2023 08:33

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum.

In your shoes I would stay in Norway for your ds especially if he's little and then when back take the reins from your sister and give her an opportunity to rest from planning and grieve, or get away into the countryside or whatever she needs to do.

weirdoboelady · 22/08/2023 08:35

It sounds as if you have made the decision to stay. I know that when I am very shocked and grieving, I lose the power to make confident decisions, so I am going to suggest some things for you to do and hold on to. This is just to suggest a framework for you to get through the next few days.

When you get home you can start planning the funeral (I did find both of my parents' funerals very cathartic, so this is a date to plan for).

If you are religious, or if you are not and feel the power of churches (they are often very special places because of all the accumulated peace of the years, if this doesn't sound too hippyish) they are great places to sit and think about your mum. Take some time each day to sit and remember happy times with her and your siblings, ideally in a peaceful place like a church.

Go for a walk every day - in the countryside if you can, in a city of you can't. Think of the beauty and atoms swirling around you, and the fact that this infinite cosmos contains you, your mum and your shared love. Bathe yourself in this love. The love is still with you, and always will be.

Set aside half an hour a day to write down your memories of times with your mum, starting with your earliest childhood. Will any of these stories find their way into a eulogy? You can also make lists of things that your mum might like at her funeral, and share these with your siblings by email - remember to be kind to each other.

Finally, take half an hour a day to do something that your mum loved, even if it's something that isn't really you. Why did she enjoy this? Has she transmitted her love of it to you? If not, can you appreciate anything about what she enjoyed? Does it help you to feel closer to her?

Feel free to accept any or none of these suggestions. But I do feel that having some sort of structure for your days for the next few days might be helpful, even if you are out on excursions.

I hope things go smoothly once you are back in the UK, that you will have a lovely celebration of Jean's life, and that her precious memories will forever be in your, and your family's, heart.

ColinTheGenderMinotaur · 22/08/2023 08:36

Devastatedx · 22/08/2023 02:45

She was a lovely mum. She was called Jean. I loved her so much. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

My mum died in 2004 and I still miss her every single day.

Is there something you can do in Norway to celebrate your mum today? Perhaps visit an attraction that your mum would’ve liked (my mum loved a botanical garden!) so you can fill yourself with thoughts and memories both in your heart and in your surroundings?

From passing to funeral seems to take quite a big longer than it used to, especially if a PM is necessary.

I do recognise the pull towards home (and to your sister, if you have a good relationship) but your sister is right in that there is nothing for you to do that can’t wait until you are home.

Mother loss is profound and can be life changing, no matter how grown up one is when it happens

Mariposista · 22/08/2023 08:47

God bless you OP. I livea road and lost my beloved gran (also called Jean) 4 months ago. I raced home, from Central Spain to the Midlands via Alicante (12 hour trip), and made it just in time. I would honestly go home. You can’t do anything but you aren’t going to enjoy anything and you will just feel a bit better close to your sister, liasing with undertakers etc so so sorry.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 22/08/2023 08:48

Oh you poor thing. I’m so sorry. To lose you mum is devastating no matter how old you are. 😥

pontipinemum · 22/08/2023 08:49

RIP to our mum Jean 💛

I think staying or going home is really up to you. Can your DH take your DS out for a while? Let you try and somewhat get your thoughts together?

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 22/08/2023 08:50

We were overseas with a family member when their mum died suddenly. Like with you, there was nothing we could do back home. They decided to stay on the holiday with family around then. We kept it quiet (it was due to be anyway) but did lots of gentle walk and talks, shared all our memories over food or drinks, started to discuss all the practical things that would need to be done when we got home, watched sunrises and sunsets and felt it gave time to grieve and be together at a time when that was really needed. We were still able to see and spend precious time with the persons mum in the chapel of rest once we returned home. Sending love to you OP 💐

ArabeIIaScott · 22/08/2023 08:51

I'm so sorry, OP. Hoping you can find some quiet time over the next few days.

Tessisme · 22/08/2023 08:55

My mum's funeral was just last week, so my pain is still very new and I am terribly sorry for your loss OP

ZiriForEver · 22/08/2023 08:56

I'm sorry for your loss.

Does your sister have her own support? If yes, there is no reason to run home immediately, and no-one relevant expects you to do so.

Based on your updates, it sounds the easiest for you is to just remain with your family now. Of course it will be hard, but leaving them behind and going home alone won't be easier in any way. Be kind to yourself, and if you find some parts enjoyable, maybe view, nature,... enjoy them.

Maighnuad · 22/08/2023 08:59

I am so sorry for your loss and have been in the situation. Its horrific and hard to get your head around the situation. Your sister is right that there is nothing you can do, but if you feel going back is the right thing for you to do - well do it.
Be kind to yourself this is such an emotional time❤