Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My mother has died and I'm away on holiday

129 replies

Devastatedx · 22/08/2023 01:44

My sister rang. She found her. I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. I feel sick and am in a terrible panic. My beloved mum. Oh god....

OP posts:
Mummumgem · 22/08/2023 03:28

You must do what feels right to you, but don’t rush into anything. I know it’s been a few hours now, but try and sleep and think about what you want todo in the morning. Tbh there’s not much to rush back for maybe take a few days for the news to sink in then come home and deal with the necessary.

I lost my mum many years ago now, but the pain and shock never really leaves you, just take your time and do what feels right for you 💐

momonpurpose · 22/08/2023 03:41

I'm so sorry OP. Sending my love to you and your sister. ❤️

JudgeRudy · 22/08/2023 03:41

YSo sorry for your loss. Your sister is correct that there is nothing to be gained by leaving early as it will likely incur extra stress and money for you, however it's quite understandable if you want to be 'home' or to connect with others (your sister) who feel as you do. There's no right or wrong way to handle this and no particular choice indicates how much you care.
What do those with you (partner?) think? Does your sister have someone with her to support her? How easy/costly would it be to leave? Are you able to have space where you are? Think about these things then just do whats right for you. It's natural to panic and feel the urge to do something constructive. It might be useful to write lists of what you think you need to do rather than put plans in place straight away. Your sister will have set the ball rolling.
Love and hugs

W0tnow · 22/08/2023 04:17

My grandmother was a Jean! It really suited her.

Im so sorry. Your sister is right though. There is nothing you can do. The time before a parent’s funeral is awful. You’re in a lovely part of the world. Take some walks and some quiet time and go home as planned. Friday is not far.

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/08/2023 04:23

Honestly, unless you absolutely can't bear to stay where you are - don't rush back, particularly if those dealing with things at home are saying not to.

PM's and sorting out a death cert can take time and until that is done, nothing else can be done.

I am sure your Mum wouldn't want you to stress yourselves more or incur more costs!

I can't imagine how awful this feels, in my case, I was the person 'at home' dealing with it... and it was better that I wasn't also worrying about people rushing to be there (when there was nothing to do for days anyway). But you do have to do what is right for you of course.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 22/08/2023 04:27

I'm so sorry!

Would it help to pop into a church/cathedral nearby and light a candle for your mum and just have a bit of quiet time? Even the large cathedrals have a Priest in duty who could spend a few minutes with you if that would help.

Rileytoomuchtea · 22/08/2023 04:36

TerrorAustralis · 22/08/2023 03:26

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear mum. You’ll be reeling from the news. Just do what feels right for you, whether it’s stay or go home sooner. There’s no right or wrong.

Be kind to yourself.

Sorry for your loss. Everything in @TerrorAustralis post is correct. After the death of someone in your immediate family there's a tendency to second guess everything. Maybe I should have said this or done that. As another poster said, be kind to yourself, and keep talking, especially to your sister. That recent story of the Olympic swimmer and principal who died suddenly and was found by her young daughter was heartbreaking. But no matter what age you are, finding your mum dead can crush a person. Sometimes the strongest amongst us need a shoulder to cry on.

CruisingDeep · 22/08/2023 04:47

Just be calm and accept the reality. Try to get home back as soon as possible. Tell your relatives to wait for the cremation until you reach. My heartfelt condolences with you. Take care.

letmesailletmesail · 22/08/2023 05:02

So sorry for your loss
Your sister is right. You can't do anything. However, that doesn't mean that you have to stay in Norway. If you want to come home, do. Personally, I think I would as I'd just need to feel closer physically (even if that is completely daft) and have all of my home comforts and support network around me.

SophiaLaB · 22/08/2023 05:48

I’m so sorry for your loss. RIP Jean.

Whoknowswhatanymore · 22/08/2023 05:51

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful mum, Jean. 💐

Original poster
Devastatedx · 22/08/2023 05:53

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/08/2023 04:23

Honestly, unless you absolutely can't bear to stay where you are - don't rush back, particularly if those dealing with things at home are saying not to.

PM's and sorting out a death cert can take time and until that is done, nothing else can be done.

I am sure your Mum wouldn't want you to stress yourselves more or incur more costs!

I can't imagine how awful this feels, in my case, I was the person 'at home' dealing with it... and it was better that I wasn't also worrying about people rushing to be there (when there was nothing to do for days anyway). But you do have to do what is right for you of course.

I think I will follow your advice. I'm in such a state that the thought of travelling again is too much.

OP posts:
Plankingplanks · 22/08/2023 06:01

I'm so sorry for your loss @Devastatedx. A sudden death is a horrible thing, let alone when it is your mum. I think all you need to do right now is to breathe. Take your time, breathe, nothing you do now is right or wrong. Don't rush decisions.

As had been said there is no reason to rush back, but if you want to then do.

It sounds like Jean would just want you to be ok, and to look after yourself. Go for a walk, think about your lovely mum, remember the good stuff, talk about her, laugh about the funny things, cry, scream and breathe.

RIP Jean.

BiteyShark · 22/08/2023 06:04

Only you know whether rushing back or not will be best for you.

My DM was given a terminal prognosis but clung on for several years. In that time we often discussed the situation around what if she died when I was on holiday and she was adamant I should continue to enjoy my time as coming home wouldn't bring her back. I am just saying this in case you feel 'guilty' at being away and staying to 'enjoy' your time there.

Flowers
TallerThanAverage · 22/08/2023 06:08

Devastatedx · 22/08/2023 01:55

I'm in Norway. Suppose to be leaving Friday morning. My sister said there's nothing I can do and to come back as planned.

Shit

I’m so sorry for your loss. The same thing happened to us with my FIL and we were all devastated (DH, me and 2 x DC) but there really was nothing we could do. The rest of the holiday was a bit of a daze but staying away from everyone was a blessing for us to begin to process what had happened away from day to day life. We knew that my FIL wouldn’t have wanted us to cut the trip short.

Letsgocrazyrightnow · 22/08/2023 06:19

Sorry for your loss. RIP Jean.

This happened to me last month, I had such an empty, heart broken feeling, nothing felt right to me. I did not leave early in the end. I can’t say it felt right at the time because nothing did but now looking back it was right for me. Make the best decision you can for you. The is no right or wrong, just what feels like right to you right now. Take this time away if it helps, there really is nothing back home to do that won’t wait until you are back.

Mikimoto · 22/08/2023 06:20

So So sorry for you.
I'd also not travel now, with the stress that involves.
Spend the next few days hugging OH/DC and thinking of wonderful memories.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 22/08/2023 06:27

So sorry for the loss of your mum, it’s such a hard loss.

Similar happened to me earlier this year, but it was my brother in law. I did go home early but it was because my sister was alone. If your sister isn’t alone, the only right thing to do, is what’s right for you

catsoop · 22/08/2023 06:34

So so sorry for your loss OP xxx

Exasperatednow · 22/08/2023 06:35

I'm so sorry.

Literally the same thing happened to me and I too came on mumsnet and people were so kind. I was on holiday with my kids and dh. My dad too had died dome before.

I stayed as mnothing I could do. There is no right answer. My first day was awful and I was in shock. It wasn't great it felt wrong being away but it also gave me time to process.

TotalOverhaul · 22/08/2023 06:38

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. There are things you can do from Norway.

Get DH to take the family off for the day and find a quiet place to write a eulogy, remembering the big and small ways she was a brilliant mum.

Listen to some of her favourite music on YouTube. It can take time choosing the right version. Most services recommend three pieces of music. If she was religious think of a passage from scripture that would honour her. If not, consider finding a poem. This may not seem much, but there are so many tiny decisions to make for a funeral, and giving yourself time helps make good ones that truly reflect who she was. I organised my dad's funeral and was very proud of how much it celebrated who he really was.

Zanatdy · 22/08/2023 06:44

I’m so sorry, what a terrible shock and so difficult when you’re away. I agree with coming home as planned on Friday as little you can do anyway at this point and your sister is there. Such a horrible time for you all, so sorry for your loss. RIP Jean

Tilllly · 22/08/2023 06:47

I'm so sorry, it's a terrible loss
It sounds as tho she went quickly? Which would be a blessing

Chances are, even if you can rearrange your flight, it'll only get you home 1-2 days sooner

Stay put and do your best to rest

loislovesstewie · 22/08/2023 06:47

I'm so sorry for your loss, a mum is so special that the loss is often felt more keenly. I'm sending a huge virtual hug to you. Practically at the moment there is little you can do, but maybe take yourself off somewhere quiet today and just think about your mum? Go into a church and light a candle , and sit thinking about her. Even if you are not religious just doing that can help with finding some peace.
Once again my condolences, and remember ,your lovely mum knew you loved her, and that is what matters.

Wishiwasmycat · 22/08/2023 06:48

I am so very sorry for your loss. X