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Original poster

Dh spilled coffee and now he's in a rage

151 replies

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 17:21

Hi all I've name changed for this.
Anyway, dh spilled a tub of coffee in the kitchen earlier. I said I'd clean it up.
I did but he went to the kitchen and I could hear shouting. Apparently there was some left. I admit I didn't do as good a job as I thought I did.
He raged about this calling me useless and he had to watch what I did.
I'm in tears about this.
I'm so fed up, I just feel his response was disproportionate.
What started his bad mood is my announcement that my dm had asked me to go to a quiz with her Sunday evening. I'd be away for one night, we have no dc's.
Apparently I spend more time with her than him.
This is so untrue. Until last week, I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks.

I'm trying to be factual here but I would like some input.

He constantly belittles my family. It's got to the point that I don't feel like seeing them because I know he'll be moody about it.

Sorry for the vent.

OP posts:
IncognitoMam · 16/08/2023 20:24

I really hope you do go or kick him out and change the locks. Awful man 🤬

Ap42 · 16/08/2023 20:24

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 19:04

You know what I *do" feel I'm going crazy. I suffer from OCD and it is getting worse.
He's too fucking clever to hit me, though. Sorry, I don't mean that to sound harsh.
Bastard may very well hit me if I stick around.

Show quote history

I completely get it. My ex was the same, hit me twice, but he got clever after that. I even found myself apologising once after he hit me. I look back now and can see it was absolutely not my fault, but when your in it you often can't see the wood for the trees.

venusandmars · 16/08/2023 20:25

It's got to the point that I don't feel like seeing them because I know he'll be moody about it.

This phrase is so telling. You are changing your behaviour, you are not doing something you want to do, because your are in fear of his reaction.

This IS abuse.

Enterthedragons · 16/08/2023 20:30

Your poor mum this makes me feel sad for her :(

Jentait1 · 16/08/2023 20:37

Run don’t walk!!! It will only get worse as he gets older and grumpier. Sounds as if he is very controlling and wants to isolate from your family.

MrsMarzetti · 16/08/2023 20:54

This bully will only get worse. Make plans to leave and when you do stay single until you are sure you can live in a relationship with mutual respect, one where you won't run after him and clear up coffee after he has spilled it. You are not his mum. Please make plans to leave.

Alopeciabop · 16/08/2023 20:58

My ex did literally almost exactly this. I still think about it as the thing that makes me feel like I let myself down the most. If that makes sense.

like how the actual fuck did I stand there and pathetically go oh sorry.. and just crumple up like a dog with their tale between their legs.

I washed plates “wrong”. Apparently there was a slight finger print smudge on one of them. He pulled each one out of the cupboard and pointed at make believe marks to prove to me how terribly useless I was.

I should have (punched him in his twisted face) turned on my heel and walked straight out the door. As should you. Right now. Don’t leave it as long as I did.

ps I’m a total mess. Do the absolute minority of the housework. My new partner would roll his eyes if he saw coffee beans on the floor and clean them up himself. And if he was going to bring it up he would make a joke about it and give me a hug and a kiss and say “I don’t mind cleaning up after you”. And he’d mean it. You deserve that too.

favouriteyellowsocks · 16/08/2023 21:10

Time to go, OP. Tell your Mum what you've told us here.
Well done for realizing and getting out before DC!!!

AfraidToRun · 16/08/2023 21:51

I opened this with a drop in my stomach. I have been there.

Insecure men with an abusive personality have a massive issue with shame. He will have spilt that coffee thought he was an idiot. Abusive men cannot feel shame, they avoid it at all cost. It was never them, it never happened, it was always be your fault. He has to believe he his perfect. You cleaned up to the best of your ability im sure but evidence remained that he is an idiot (in his eyes) so he took it out on you. We non abusive people will see dropping coffee as an accident but for an abusive person it will always be an outrage.

  1. He will never accept that this is what happens
  2. It will never change
  3. There is nothing YOU can do.
  4. They never become aware of their own issue with shame, to acknowledge it would be shameful, the cycle continues.
Alopeciabop · 16/08/2023 22:30

AfraidToRun · 16/08/2023 21:51

I opened this with a drop in my stomach. I have been there.

Insecure men with an abusive personality have a massive issue with shame. He will have spilt that coffee thought he was an idiot. Abusive men cannot feel shame, they avoid it at all cost. It was never them, it never happened, it was always be your fault. He has to believe he his perfect. You cleaned up to the best of your ability im sure but evidence remained that he is an idiot (in his eyes) so he took it out on you. We non abusive people will see dropping coffee as an accident but for an abusive person it will always be an outrage.

  1. He will never accept that this is what happens
  2. It will never change
  3. There is nothing YOU can do.
  4. They never become aware of their own issue with shame, to acknowledge it would be shameful, the cycle continues.

This is the most logical and straightforward explanation of this behaviour I’ve ever seen. I’ve known this but been able to put it into words or rationalise it until now. Thank you.

Bogeyes · 17/08/2023 06:52

Please let us all know when you are at your mums. X

FloNightingale · 17/08/2023 06:53

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 20:00

The OCD improvement is enough to make me sure to leave. If I frame it as gaining a positive than losing a negative it gives me more impetus to leave.
Just being free of him and his weird fucking demands. Talking over me, belittling me.
He really does talk to his poor mum who has dementia like dirt when she repeats herself. It's hard to comprehend that anyone could be that callous. No fucking clue, no understanding.

When you get out of the relationship please consider reporting him to the police or social services for the abuse he is giving his Mother.

IncognitoMam · 17/08/2023 08:51

Definitely agree regarding his DM

Mix56 · 17/08/2023 08:59

Take your time, make lists, sort out your finances, you new ban account (no paperwork) change all your passwords, collect your possessions, important paperwork when he is out, then, only then, you tell him to go fuck himself, & walk out of the door, leaving it swinging in the wind

IncognitoMam · 18/08/2023 11:47

Hope you're ok @Dreamerdeciever?

Original poster
Dreamerdeciever · 20/08/2023 10:31

Hi all, like some (all?) abusers he's in a nice phase now. In the past, I'd just think forget it, however, I've come to realise the cumulative effects of his outbursts in destroying my confidence so I'm using this 'nice' time to put things in order.
Thanks all.

OP posts:
MzHz · 20/08/2023 11:52

Good for you! Go go go you clever woman! You’re seeing this for what it is! Use the peace to allow your head to be clear and clinical.

you’re going to do this! You’re going to get out and live an incredible life. Focus on that.

this is what helped me stay focused. You have to get past the breakers to get to the smooth seas. Then you swim smoothly and powerfully wherever the fuck you want :)

come on in, the water’s lovely 😊

Original poster
Dreamerdeciever · 20/08/2023 11:54

MzHz · 20/08/2023 11:52

Good for you! Go go go you clever woman! You’re seeing this for what it is! Use the peace to allow your head to be clear and clinical.

you’re going to do this! You’re going to get out and live an incredible life. Focus on that.

this is what helped me stay focused. You have to get past the breakers to get to the smooth seas. Then you swim smoothly and powerfully wherever the fuck you want :)

come on in, the water’s lovely 😊

Thank you. X

OP posts:
IncognitoMam · 20/08/2023 12:29

Excellent update 😊

mommatoone · 20/08/2023 14:50

Good for you OP. Each one of your posts display how you are recognising his behaviour as abusive. You are worth so much more. And as for speaking to his mum like shit. It breaks my heart that. How dare he. My dad has dementia and he reminds me of a child sometimes , no way could i get angry with him. He a fuckin bully. End of.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2023 16:28

Dreamerdeciever · 20/08/2023 10:31

Hi all, like some (all?) abusers he's in a nice phase now. In the past, I'd just think forget it, however, I've come to realise the cumulative effects of his outbursts in destroying my confidence so I'm using this 'nice' time to put things in order.
Thanks all.

Yep, never let yourself sweep his behaviour under the carpet - this is who he is. Get your stuff in order and GO. Best wishes!

PickAChew · 20/08/2023 17:11

This sweetness and light phase gives you the perfect headspace to quietly plan your escape.

Listening to the way he constantly harangued his mother over trivial shit, a long time in the past, was one of the things that made me realise I had to get away from my ex. No one needs an arsehole like that in their lives by choice.

fetchacloth · 20/08/2023 17:28

Dreamerdeciever · 20/08/2023 10:31

Hi all, like some (all?) abusers he's in a nice phase now. In the past, I'd just think forget it, however, I've come to realise the cumulative effects of his outbursts in destroying my confidence so I'm using this 'nice' time to put things in order.
Thanks all.

Well done, go for it OP and I wish you all the best 💐.
From now on life can only get better for you 😁

Weenurse · 28/08/2023 12:49

How are you?

cassy16 · 13/10/2023 11:01

Leave he is abusing you

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