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Original poster

Dh spilled coffee and now he's in a rage

151 replies

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 17:21

Hi all I've name changed for this.
Anyway, dh spilled a tub of coffee in the kitchen earlier. I said I'd clean it up.
I did but he went to the kitchen and I could hear shouting. Apparently there was some left. I admit I didn't do as good a job as I thought I did.
He raged about this calling me useless and he had to watch what I did.
I'm in tears about this.
I'm so fed up, I just feel his response was disproportionate.
What started his bad mood is my announcement that my dm had asked me to go to a quiz with her Sunday evening. I'd be away for one night, we have no dc's.
Apparently I spend more time with her than him.
This is so untrue. Until last week, I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks.

I'm trying to be factual here but I would like some input.

He constantly belittles my family. It's got to the point that I don't feel like seeing them because I know he'll be moody about it.

Sorry for the vent.

OP posts:
Riapia · 16/08/2023 19:21

What started his bad mood is my announcement that my dm had asked me to go to a quiz with her Sunday evening
Maybe you announcing it instead of telling him first is what enraged him.
Mind you he’s still a twat.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/08/2023 19:22

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 18:41

He treats his own mother like shit. She is sadly suffering from dementia. ZERO understanding from him. None at all. His family, whom he seems to respect, have told him not to argue with her. He doesn't listen even to them. Shouts down the phone at her. Utter cunt.
He's currently ranting in the other room. This bastard will not terrorise me any longer. I'm gonna stand my ground.

This is really not the time to 'stand your ground'.

You are dealing with an abusive man, whose joy in life is making you miserable. And when you leave, you are taking his favourite toy away. How do you think he's going to react to that? Badly, right? You do not want to escalate him from verbal rage to physical rage - because that is always a possibility. You think he terrorises you now? Want to see him step it up a level? Stand your ground 😟and you will see precisely that.

Get out ASAP, I would definitely use the night at your mother's to do just that. He's expecting it to happen. He might try to put obstacles in your way, but - he knows your intent is a quiz night, best he doesn't click that your intent is also to leave him. Do you have anywhere that you can stash belongings you will be taking with you so that he's kept in the dark? At a friend's house, in your office, the boot of your car? So that when you walk out, you appear to only have an overnight bag.

Travel light, but take what you will need. Documents, medications, essential clothing. If something can be replaced, it's not essential. Travel light! If he knows any of your passwords, change them. In fact, change them anyway, just to be sure. Once at your mother's, stay put and set the ball rolling on a divorce.

Stay safe. ((hug))

fetchacloth · 16/08/2023 19:26

He's too fucking clever to hit me, though. Sorry, I don't mean that to sound harsh

My ex did hit me the bastard. DV was still legal then too 😡
Don't wait around for this to happen to you. Please.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/08/2023 19:27

You have no kids and a mum you can escape to. What on earth are you waiting for?

I would not tolerate for one split second someone shouting at me and ordering me to do a better job cleaning up his mess. Why are you there????

mandlerparr · 16/08/2023 19:29

I am so glad you are leaving. Now, don't communicate with him at all. Not at all. He will use every trick in the book to get you back. some say don't talk to him alone. I say don't talk to him at all without a lawyer present. Your lawyer. Not your mom, his mom, your friends, etc. Your lawyer. That is it. No calls, no texts, don't like a pic, anything. No communication with him at all. I don't care if he has your cat and your inhaler, tell your lawyer to get it.
If you are not going to get a lawyer, just don't talk to him at all. Make sure you get everything you absolutely need when you leave and consider the rest a loss.

MuggleMe · 16/08/2023 19:30

Honestly the normal response to him spilling coffee would be him saying oh goodness, sorry I'll clean that now, ah so clumsy. And you perhaps offering to help and tackling it together.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 16/08/2023 19:33

I was in a similar relationship when I was in my late 20s, emotional abuse and then when we moved in even worse. It was near his family and friends not mine (his choice).

Definitely leave and get a divorce OP. All your OCD etc will suddenly get better when you leave him!

I had eczema which got worse (emotions) on the backs of knees and when I broke up with him it miraculously disappeared! He did same as your DH did, ground me down, tried to alienate me from friends. Thank god I did keep friends but just kept what happened quiet until we ended. He also didn’t hit me either as too clever.

DameCurlyBassey · 16/08/2023 19:33

Ap42 · 16/08/2023 19:00

This is abusive narcissistic behaviour. I know, I have been there. My ex used to be the same over the tupperware cupboard. It sounds ridiculous saying it loud, so we tend to keep this stuff to ourselves. And then it builds up, and before you know it your walking on egg shells everyday, and wondering if your going crazy.
Please call womensaid or one of the DV helplines. I made one phone call 7 years ago and they arranged a refuge for us 2 days later. It changed our lives, and does get easier I promise. For those that say just leave him, it's so hard, they destroy your confidence, self esteem and your ability to even think straight. Domestic abusive is so much more than someone raising there hands to you. Big hugs xx

I read an story in a book about DV.

the police were called to a house with two dead bodies - husband and wife which looked like a murder/suicide with the man killing the wife. But everyone who knew them said it didn’t add up because they seemed like the perfect couple. An officer opened a kitchen cupboard and confirmed that it was murder/suicide. He explained that the cupboard was preternaturally and meticulously organised. The officer had seen it all before - the wife had been pushed by her husband to do everything the way he needed it. Her life had been hell. She had refused what he asked one time and he ended up killing her.

Andthereyougo · 16/08/2023 19:35

“When he started ranting at his mother, I couldn't believe my ears, he gets annoyed as she' repeats herself'.
What a cunt.”

God that’s horrible. And when he no longer has his mother to shout at it’ll be aimed at you. It’s a small leap from that to physical violence.

You’ve made the right decision OP. May your future life me happy and free. 💐

BelleShazzasFeast · 16/08/2023 19:40

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 17:26

He is abusive isn't he? I just wanted to state the facts so as to be objective.

Yes, is the answer.

AlexReventa · 16/08/2023 19:43

You already know the answer. Get the hell away from him then get a solicitor. DONT tell him you are going. That would be dangerous if he’s violent too. Get assistance from a woman’s aid group too, they are very supportive. If your house is jointly owned make sure you get your share of the sale.

Mmhmmn · 16/08/2023 19:47

What an absolute arsehole he is. Get away.

RivieraVera · 16/08/2023 19:48

He is an abusive man. You are in an abusive relationship.

Leave him and don't look back.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/08/2023 19:49

He’s a controlling abusive arse. He spilled it, why is he expecting you to clean it up ? Much less criticising and raging because you ‘haven’t done it properly’. Don’t have children with this man - he’s shown you who he really is. Believe him and leave.

MzHz · 16/08/2023 19:53

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 17:26

He is abusive isn't he? I just wanted to state the facts so as to be objective.

He is abusive yes. Sorry.

get out of this asap. You have no kids right, then nothing to tie you. Go to your mum’s and stay there if you can.

Busubaba · 16/08/2023 20:00

He is the clumsy oaf that spilt it and you kindly offered to clear it up!

For the useless lard brained idiot to abuse you for helping is absolutely despicable.

Get away from this disgusting man who can't even clean up after himself.

Original poster
Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 20:00

The OCD improvement is enough to make me sure to leave. If I frame it as gaining a positive than losing a negative it gives me more impetus to leave.
Just being free of him and his weird fucking demands. Talking over me, belittling me.
He really does talk to his poor mum who has dementia like dirt when she repeats herself. It's hard to comprehend that anyone could be that callous. No fucking clue, no understanding.

OP posts:
WhisperingHi · 16/08/2023 20:00

A normal person would say "thanks for offering to clean it up, you don't have to".

A normal person, if finding left over coffee would pick up the dustpan and brush or hoover and clean the rest without making a fuss.

Your husband has eroded your sense of normal. He's not acting normally. He sounds like a horrible, selfish bully. That average person would think he was a huge twat.

Lesina · 16/08/2023 20:03

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 17:26

He is abusive isn't he? I just wanted to state the facts so as to be objective.

Yes he is. Please run don’t walk to your mum. Leave the evil cunt.

FlamingoQueen · 16/08/2023 20:03

Can you just go and stay with your Mum?

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/08/2023 20:07

Leave/kick him out.

This is SO far beyond normal!

In my house... himself spills coffee all over the kitchen. Says 'oh fuck' and cleans it up.

I might go in later and say 'oi nobber, you've missed a load there' and he cleans that up. Or if I can (theres a lot I can't do due to disabilities), I might if its more convenient to me to do it there and then.

Or I spill something and he has to clean it up because I can't... I might get affectionately and casually told I am a dickhead, and then it gets cleaned up and so on...

There is no 'getting in a mood' because I go see my sister or my dad or my best mate. There is no nasty snidey remarks about having to watch me as i always do a shit job. There is no one person cleaning up after a perfectly able other person.

Leave, please... because your confidence isn't going to get better until you do!

Mmhmmn · 16/08/2023 20:08

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 18:03

No it was not deliberate and I did offer to clean up but a normal response would be well you didn't do a good job of it and may be a slight annoyance but really he was raging. Totally disproportionate.
Cunt.
Sorry for the language guys but it seems apt.

You are absolutely right OP. An even more normal response would have been him clearing up his own mess.
He IS a cunt. And when he asks why you've left him don't spare his feelings - he clearly doesn't spare yours. X

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2023 20:11

Pack some things and leave, right now.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 16/08/2023 20:12

At the end of the rant you apologised. You are obviously used to doing this when you haven't done anything wrong!!

This is a cycle of your partner controlling you and you letting him by doing this.

You must leave him. I had this experience too where I eventually rarely saw anyone because of his violent petulance. It will only escalate.

Ginburee · 16/08/2023 20:18

Please take all the advice given and leave- this is only going to get worse and thank goodness you don't have children with this person as it would certainly esculate.
If you don't feel comfortable staying at your mums contact a local group who will help, there is a wealth of support online. Apologies for not linking but hoofing the smalls into bed.
I wish you all the luck, please go. X