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Original poster

Dh spilled coffee and now he's in a rage

151 replies

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 17:21

Hi all I've name changed for this.
Anyway, dh spilled a tub of coffee in the kitchen earlier. I said I'd clean it up.
I did but he went to the kitchen and I could hear shouting. Apparently there was some left. I admit I didn't do as good a job as I thought I did.
He raged about this calling me useless and he had to watch what I did.
I'm in tears about this.
I'm so fed up, I just feel his response was disproportionate.
What started his bad mood is my announcement that my dm had asked me to go to a quiz with her Sunday evening. I'd be away for one night, we have no dc's.
Apparently I spend more time with her than him.
This is so untrue. Until last week, I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks.

I'm trying to be factual here but I would like some input.

He constantly belittles my family. It's got to the point that I don't feel like seeing them because I know he'll be moody about it.

Sorry for the vent.

OP posts:
Summertime2 · 16/08/2023 18:15

I work in the area of domestic abuse. This is abuse. Please leave, please do not have children with this person. It will not get better.

ElleEmmDee · 16/08/2023 18:16

He sounds terrifying. Find a way to get out of the situation quietly. Don’t tell him it’s over until you’re out of the house, you’re somewhere safe and other people are around. Don’t go back to collect your belongings until you have someone to come with you (brother, friend’s husband or other bloke ideally).

NoSquirrels · 16/08/2023 18:17

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 17:26

He is abusive isn't he? I just wanted to state the facts so as to be objective.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s usually a duck…

Glad your eyes are open. Can you tell your mum and make some plans?

fetchacloth · 16/08/2023 18:20

There are so many red flags in your post OP. Reminded me of my ex who was extremely abusive 😕
I think the time has come to work out the exit route from this relationship and fast.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/08/2023 18:20

"He constantly belittles my family. It's got to the point that I don't feel like seeing them because I know he'll be moody about it."
That has been his intention from the start. He wants you isolated, because it makes you easier to manipulate and bully.

"What started his bad mood is my announcement that my dm had asked me to go to a quiz with her Sunday evening. I'd be away for one night, we have no dc's."
Do a really thorough job packing your overnight bag. Pack all your essential documents and take them with you. And on Monday morning, don't go back. Stay with your mother.

You are in an abusive relationship, and the sooner you get out of it the better. Thank god you have no children, and so cannot be tied to this wanker once divorced. Yes, you absolutely need to divorce him.

Icepinkeskimo · 16/08/2023 18:21

I can only echo what others have advised.
I have been in a similar relationship, he was a complete and utter bully. I left with one bag of clothes, two cats and their food and blankets.
you know what the lovely thing was…peace and quiet. No shouting, no anxiety, no tip toeing around and constantly worried sick about him kicking off over anything and everything.
Good luck OP, grab your freedom, find yourself again and be happy x

Kitkatandcoffee · 16/08/2023 18:22

MillWood85 · 16/08/2023 17:22

Open your eyes.

You're in an abusive relationship.

Run to your Mum and don't go back.

First post nailed it. Please leave do not let him destroy your relationship with your mum. He is trying to isolate you.

LaMaG · 16/08/2023 18:27

Well done OP for seeing it for what it is. I agree with PPs, you need to leave. Start organising yourself and maybe confide your plans to your Mum or someone as leaving will not be easy and you'll need someone strong to help you. Don't be sucked back in.

Beaverbridge · 16/08/2023 18:29

Hes an abusive arsehole. Yeah like others have said, take what's important to you, go to your mums and don't go back.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 16/08/2023 18:29

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 18:03

No it was not deliberate and I did offer to clean up but a normal response would be well you didn't do a good job of it and may be a slight annoyance but really he was raging. Totally disproportionate.
Cunt.
Sorry for the language guys but it seems apt.

Sorry OP but no, that also wouldn't be a normal response.

Normal would have been him doing it himself. If he was busy and you kindly offered (allowed some give and take obviously), you helping him should have been met with nothing but gratitude - not a criticism!

He is an abusive arsehole. Go to your Mums and stay there until you get rid of him.

2catsandhappy · 16/08/2023 18:33

What else has he done that hasn't felt right to you @Dreamerdeciever ?
Abuse starts so small. The fake 'Oh, you want to spend time with your family and not me.' Faked hurt feelings that you rush to sooth.
When actually it is absolutely normal and natural to spend time with the people you grew up with.
If he is leaving you torn about your decisions and choices, it is a deliberate and controlling act by him, it will get worse.

duvetdayy · 16/08/2023 18:34

Get the actual fuck out of this relationship. You will not regret it for a second - trust me.

LlynTegid · 16/08/2023 18:38

Leave.

There is one good thing I can say, no child has him as their dad.

Original poster
Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 18:41

He treats his own mother like shit. She is sadly suffering from dementia. ZERO understanding from him. None at all. His family, whom he seems to respect, have told him not to argue with her. He doesn't listen even to them. Shouts down the phone at her. Utter cunt.
He's currently ranting in the other room. This bastard will not terrorise me any longer. I'm gonna stand my ground.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 16/08/2023 18:41

"What started his bad mood is my announcement that my dm had asked me to go to a quiz with her Sunday evening. I'd be away for one night, we have no dc's."
Do areallythorough job packing your overnight bag. Pack all your essential documents and take them with you. And on Monday morning, don't go back. Stay with your mother.

I was about to say the same thing , please do it .

Ridemeginger · 16/08/2023 18:43

Don't apologise for your language. You are feeling your righteous rage, and that is good. Keep that feeling. Isolating you from your family and friends through this sort of head fuckery and wearing down your mental health is the first step in totally controlling you. Now you can see what he's doing, now you know you are not mad, you can take back control of your life. Take all your essential paperwork with you when you go to your mum's house. Even if you don't want the confrontation of suddenly leaving him (if you are scared of him), make a start and do it bit by bit without his knowledge. And as pp have said, whatever you do, do not get pregnant. Do not get tied to this shitbag for life through a child, you know he will abuse you both. Get yourself sorted out with a safe place to go and your finances protected, and then leave him for good.

GameOverBoys · 16/08/2023 18:43

You are not stuck you can leave. He won’t change. He treats his own sick, elderly mother like shit. What more do you need to know. If you stay and have children with this man he will get worse and worse. Please leave him and don’t resign yourself to a shit, unhappy life.

Britinme · 16/08/2023 18:44

OP I would honestly advise you not to stand your ground until you've actually left, and not to tell him you are planning on leaving. With some abusive men that can be the most dangerous time. Just go to your mum's on Sunday, taking your most important documents (bank stuff, passport, birth cert, laptop etc) and overnight stuff with you, and plan on a time when you know he'll be out to go back and retrieve your other belongings.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 16/08/2023 18:46

I'm glad you can see him clearly, OP. But please do be careful; if he realizes that you are leaving, you could be in real danger. Abuse can escalate when the abuser is losing their control of their victim.

If you are at all concerned, call the police. Does your mum have any idea of how things are for you?

BlastedIce · 16/08/2023 18:46

Just leave the cunt!

beastlyslumber · 16/08/2023 18:47

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 18:03

No it was not deliberate and I did offer to clean up but a normal response would be well you didn't do a good job of it and may be a slight annoyance but really he was raging. Totally disproportionate.
Cunt.
Sorry for the language guys but it seems apt.

No, a normal response would be for him to clean up his own mess. Failing that, to say, thank you soooooo much for cleaning up my mess! You didn't have to do that and I really appreciate it.

He is an abusive cunt. You need to leave as soon and safely as possible.

Changingplace · 16/08/2023 18:49

Going to your mums on Sunday is a perfect excuse to just go and not come back, agree with others on packing essentials like ID etc but don’t tell him until you’re gone.

Your life will be so much better without this awful man, please leave him OP, you have a whole new life ahead of you.

Blueink · 16/08/2023 18:50

Prioritise your safety OP as you leave.

It’s not a normal dynamic for you to offer to clean up his spillage, but telling of the impact his behaviour is having on you.

Secondly if I as the partner saw some coffee was missed I would just clean it up and probably not even mention it let alone complain.

BertieBotts · 16/08/2023 18:52

Dreamerdeciever · 16/08/2023 17:21

Hi all I've name changed for this.
Anyway, dh spilled a tub of coffee in the kitchen earlier. I said I'd clean it up.
I did but he went to the kitchen and I could hear shouting. Apparently there was some left. I admit I didn't do as good a job as I thought I did.
He raged about this calling me useless and he had to watch what I did.
I'm in tears about this.
I'm so fed up, I just feel his response was disproportionate.
What started his bad mood is my announcement that my dm had asked me to go to a quiz with her Sunday evening. I'd be away for one night, we have no dc's.
Apparently I spend more time with her than him.
This is so untrue. Until last week, I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks.

I'm trying to be factual here but I would like some input.

He constantly belittles my family. It's got to the point that I don't feel like seeing them because I know he'll be moody about it.

Sorry for the vent.

None of this is normal.

Most adults clean up their own messes, not expect a minion to do it for them.

Most people see their partner as an equal, not a minion by the way.

Most people would be grateful if their partner did something for them, whether it was done 100% or not, they don't nitpick.

Even when they are upset with their partner most people do not rage and call them names.

Most people are not jealous and possessive over the time that their partner spends with their family.

Most people do not allow their own grumps to spill over into massive rages.

Please leave. You deserve so much better. I promise you it exists. Could you go to your mum's? I bet she would be relieved to have you.

littlenickyy61 · 16/08/2023 18:52

His behaviour and abuse will get worse and he will wear you down mentally to the point where you start to believe the stuff he says about you being useless . Get out now and before children are involved. You deserve so much better . Be ready for him to turn in the charm and suddenly become the husband you’ve always wanted -it won’t last and once he gets you back he will make your life a misery punishing you for daring to leave. The only luck here is that you have no children together so can make a completely clean break from him. Do not tell him you leaving until all your plans are in place and are safely elsewhere. Stay strong you can do this and a happier life without walking in eggshells awaits you xx