Can I charge kids friends for lunch?

[MotherHubbardEmptyCupboard]

I am on maternity leave and so am home a lot, surprise baby so my older children are tweens/teens. Lots of their friends have either parents that work from home in the family room/parents at work/houses not geared to lots of children so ours has become the place to be.

To be clear I do not mind at all that the friends/neighbours are here, we are very lucky with a very large garden and self contained summer house so they do not really come in the house or cause any issue at all (and they all seem lovely)

The problem is food, I started doing lunch for everyone at the start of the holidays (I see that I went wrong here but this is the first time I've had the summer off, normally I work so holidays are clubs/grandparents etc)
I thought that it would balance out as my kids went to other friends but all summer they have been here, and it is getting very expensive (and I am only doing cheap food, pizzas/sandwiches/pasta etc)

I'm not sure how to approach it, or what to do I don't really want to stop them coming over as that isn't the issue, can I ask their parents for a contribution and if so what is reasonable? -they are often here between 9am and 6pm (enforced as I was ending up providing breakfast and now they have to go home for dinner)

TLDR- can I ask parents for money for food when their kid is regularly at mine for 8+ hours a day?

I am about to sort out baby so I will come back but it maybe delayed. (I've NC to not link but if you recognise me please feel free to speak irl)

It's time for your kids to go to their friends houses - early doors (as in early in the morning) and stay there. Get them to ask for food while there. See if the other parents are as flexible as you have been.

Then the ones that send your kids home again, particularly if they haven't been fed, get short shrift when they show up again.

I'm sorry, I haven't read all the posts, only yours so hope I'm not going over old ground.

I am assuming it's landed dup being at yours most days? And that's where the problem comes in? I'm also assuming it' snot pre-organised - just the DC and their friends agree between them and then they all just turn up?

I think the trick then is to say something, lightly, to the children themselves? eg, "right you lot - I can't be doing this whole lunch thing every day. Too much work, too much money. I suggest you get yourselves down to the shops and buy some bread and ham etc and you can make sandwiches or maybe you can bring stuff from home. Also, next time you finish the squash, can someone please make sure to leave a note so that I can add it to the shopping list. Oh - and don't forget not to let the dog get any scraps!" (obviously, adjusted as per your requirements).

Actually - this is what I would do.

Are your children enjoying themselves?

if they are I'd just see the cost of feeding them all lunch as a good option over constantly taking mine out & entertaining them. Cheaper too.

couple of loaves of bread, marmite, peanut butter, jam, sliced cheese, popcorn. Apples. Squash.

few cheap pizzas.

pot noodles if you get the from somewhere cheap like B&M

not optimal nutrition but it'll do for lunch for the holidays

There's only a couple of weeks to go.

I'm assuming these kids are no trouble? As I said earlier-there are many advantages to being "the gathering house" particularly as they get older. But I can see why you don't want to feed them. So a message saying that they are welcome but please can they bring a packed lunch because it's getting too expensive should resolve the problem.

Spot on.

"It's unlikely these kids would otherwise be childminded. They would just be hanging out somewhere else. And I'd rather have them hanging out at mine, tbh.

This is crazy, 10 kids?! Just communicate with your dc and give them specific instructions say yes friends welcome but they have to pop to the shop to get their own lunch.

Given you have a very young baby, how many times have your children been invited to their houses for the day?

They are massively taken advantage op.

Many of the responses here seem to be as much about the posters being horrified at the idea of having teens hanging out all day every day at their own home as anything else with a focus on getting the kids to go elsewhere. That doesn’t seem to be what you’re looking for OP and I can appreciate that. I’d be happy having my kids and all their friends at home during the day, we have the space for it, lots of fun facilities, it’s convenient and I know they all have a good time. In many ways it’s much easier for me than when they go elsewhere.

But the food expense is an issue. If the kids are 15+ I’d probably make this an issue for them to solve. Tell my own kids that I hadn’t realised how expensive it would be and ask them to chat with their friends about how to do lunch, whether they all chip in to cover while I cater or head to the shop and sort themselves out or whatever.

For the under 13/14s it would depend. If I knew the parents fairly well and was confident they were really happy with the kids being there and weren’t struggling financially I might ask, It’s not normally the done thing but I think what you’ve provided is unusual and the parents are probably just unaware/unthinking about the fact you’re catering for so many every day and what that looks like all added up. If it’s inexpensive then saying something like “It’s been lovely having them but the food costs have added up. Could X bring £Y as a contribution towards snacks and lunches next week?” I don’t think that would be rude and I doubt many parents would be outraged at it.

If I didn’t know the parents I’d be less likely to do that but I might, depending on how skint I was getting. With parents I didn’t know, I’d probably call and have more of a discussion about the situation in general and make sure they were happy with it (some might actually be missing their kids a bit if they’ve spent all summer at your place) and see what their feelings were around contributing to food or not. Bit more difficult and liable to go wrong hence why I’d be more reluctant than with parents I knew.

I'd say generally this is a live-and-learn situation. At least your kids are safe and having a good time.

No to the air fryer. Don't turn the summerhouse into a kitchen.

I don't like the idea of guilting kids about the expense. Maybe something like "Sorry, kids, I'm behind on shopping and the cupboards are bare. You'll have to eat your lunches at home this week and next."

Or maybe organize a potluck? Frame it as "you all are going to need to organize your own lunches the rest of the holidays; I'm busy. Here's a signup sheet (bread, cheese, salad, etc.); you can use the fridge here but everyone will need to help out."

Frame it as "helping" rather than "you are a burden."

Or just get their parents' contact info and say "As you probably know, X, Y and Z tend to hang out here with H every day. They are more than welcome.

I've been happy to furnish the kids' lunches every day, but could use a little help with the provisions. Would it be possible to send your child with some bread and sandwich makings, and some crisps and fruit?"

I don't think posters are horrified at kids being home they are shocked that other parents think its acceptable for their kids to hang out there all day without even a thanks or are they OK and that's before the feeding 10 kids.

Depending on how old your older kids are - could you get them to mention it to their friends? eg my mum's going to provide snacks and drinks but can you bring some lunch with you? I imagine some of them, their parents have said does X not mind you being their all the time and they've said no - it's fine and not necessarily mentioned you are giving them food each day.

When my son was younger it was similar and like you I was happy to have them there all day -they did tend to go for lunch in different places though but they were pretty much on the same road. It does add up though as they seem to be constantly hungry.

You can't ask for money retrospectively but you can say you can't provide it anymore and if they want to hang out that's fine but bring lunch and snacks

'Or just get their parents' contact info and say "As you probably know, X, Y and Z tend to hang out here with H every day. They are more than welcome. I've been happy to furnish the kids' lunches every day, but could use a little help with the provisions. Would it be possible to send your child with some bread and sandwich makings, and some crisps and fruit?"

I really wouldn't contact parents, they are tween and teens not 5yr olds.

The ops kids are key to making it clear it isn't a free for all and yes they're welcome but they have to feed themselves

That's a hard one. I think just saying " see you after lunch" or asking them to bring their own bits from home, is the best way to go. If you knew the parents, I think you could have that money discussion (& I'd definitely not be offended in this situation, and would hope a parent would feel able to approach me about it), but as you don't the other options, like packed lunch/ bringing pot noodles or whatever, is best.

We had similar issues, including being everyone's taxi and no one ever driving our dc in return so the favours were never returned.
At first we never minded, but it became like it was expected and then we felt taken advantage of.
Eg, if our dc was staying elsewhere, we'd pick them up and drop them off, but when their friends stay with us we are still the ones picking up and dropping off the friends, so we started to say no to things the last 2 years as we felt it was unappreciated and expected (by all of them) and all we got back from our own dc is that we never do anything for them and don't make their friends feel welcome, despite most of their friends always being at ours for the last decade or so.
We always bought in the food that their friends liked and always had a few drawers of food available for them to help themselves when they were around and would keep food in the freezer that they liked (even stuff we'd never eat ourselves) catering for all their phases (eg, veggie) and/or dietary issues/restrictions even down to the brand.

It's made us wonder what we've done wrong, tbh, as our dc are lovely to others, but seriously take us for granted and when we try to discuss it with them we just get back that we don't care. It's made me wish I'd never had them, tbh. I thought we had good relationships with our dc, but the last few years (when they hit 17/18) has made me wonder what/why it went wrong.

It seems they quickly forget all the things we have done.
My parents, etc, keep telling me it's a phase and they'll appreciate us once they're a bit older as this is like a 2nd toddler phase where it's all "me, me, me," but I think it'll be too late for me by then, and it's not something I went through at that age. I was hugely appreciative of what my parents did for me, and still am.

You seem to have a better relationship with your dc, so I'd speak to them and explain the issues.

Good luck.

This OP.

Not in same country, but similar set up as WFH and we have a pool.

The difference is the parents always send over cakes, order pizzas, fruit baskets, boxes of ice creams etc. I do same when mine go elsewhere.

I cannot understand how anyone can see their kid spend all day at someone else's home and not contribute.

In your shoes, I would stop all food or contact parents and be honest. I would be mortified to receive such a whatsapp and immediately agree and be sure the next day my kid contributed a bag of snacks. Honesty is best here.

You are on maternity leave.
You can absolutely bring it up (they will know exactly your position) and say apologises for not talking about it sooner but you are on maternity leave with reduced pay and can no longer afford to feed all the children.
Ask them for whip round or to provide it.
You are providing free childcare - if anyone argues you know they are not really a friend.

You need to s Nd them out for lunch

We actually enjoyed having the friends here for the most part and they'd often hang around talking to us and often asking for advice, whilst our dc were busy with other things.

I think it's more becoming disillusioned with our dcs' sense of entitlement/laziness, which they never had previously.

Obviously, these things don't apply to you though, so, sorry for derailing the thread.

OP I'm glad you're ok with it, but you won't be after several holidays of the same, believe me. This year I've managed it better, but we have always been the go to house in the holidays. I've even had parents of the kids who practically lived in our house say they didn't know how we coped, they never allow other kids to play at theirs, without a hint of irony!

I'm just hoping this pays off when DS is older and he is comfortable hanging out at home, knowing his mates are welcome, while all the CF parents are wondering where their teens they turfed out for years on end are

Please don’t do this, it is a ludicrous idea. You open yourself up to all sorts, and are then providing a paid for service, from folks thinking they have a choice to if someone gets Ill

stop providing lunches. It’s that simple. Tell your kids they will need to come in for lunch alone and their friends can feed themselves. Or if they have a better idea to let you know.

I’m stunned you e been doing this and now want to charge.

Stop feeding them or say something.

Goodness. You think your kids friends are only there as their own parents threw them out, not that they work or don’t have rhe space? And you think when your kid gets to the teen years they will want to stay home?

I do t agree, she just needs to tell her kids to tell them to bring lunch and snacks, no need to be passive aggressive and the parents aren’t being cheeky fuckers, it’s not like the kids are forced to go, and no one asked the op to provide, that was on her.

personally at that age I’d be like do you want a packed lunch etc, kid no, johnnys mum does it, me, oh that’s odd, are you sure she doesn’t mind, yeah we don’t even ask, she just makes us all lunch. Me shrugs, moves on, thinking the mum is a bit bored or something,