Why is it every time a high earning woman starts a thread...

[Lentilweaver]

asking for financial or job advice on here, someone comes along to tell her that their salary is 1/40th of hers or some such figure. And some one else comes along to complain about her being tone deaf.

Seen this several times in the last week or so. Didn't comment on the thread because I didn't want to derail the good advice being given, but at the risk of starting a TAAT, I wanted to say: FFS. Let women earn high salaries without being made to feel guilty on a women's site. If you earn a low salary, that's on you. It's not tone deaf to talk about high salaries even in a CoL crisis.

I disagree. You can be a high earner without then updating your thread with ' oh I just got a 40k rise so I will stay in my stressful job and buy some diamonds'. I thought that one must be a troll because it would be hard to be so tone deaf. It is just bragging and unpleasant in both men and women.

It absolutely is Jealousy. But the posts have been written to incite it.

The really successful people I know don't stealth boast, they don't wear designer clothes, don't post on social media and don't drive fancy cars with private number plates. They're content. They don't need the approval, admiration, attention, recognition or jealousy from others to feel a sense of purpose, in fact they generally prefer anonymity.

Because people have chips on their shoulders and don't want to admit to their life choices, I also think some people constantly complain and feel competitive

I stubbed my toe this morning
that is nothing I climbed K2 and my toes nearly froze off

ok then

Because most of the posts, in AIBU, are made up?

I think when you hear or read someone else's success there story should hopefully inspire you to do it as well. @Caprisunny explained it very well she listened and read and eventually prospered.

There is too many jealous people out there who would rather see you with nothing and living rough.

I agree.s

I earn a pittance compared to most on MN, due to redundancy during covid (hospitality industry where I earned very well, way above average) and the shitty treatment I got before that, I ended up taking a supermarket job "for the duration" I am still there!

But......I do not have to worry about earning enough to pay the mortgage as I am now mortgage free. I do not have to worry about sorting out exorbitant costing childcare as the kids are older, I really do not miss the cycle of needing to work more to pay the childcare to allow me to work more to pay the childcare.... I can spend time with friends and the kids and not worry so much about running life to a tight schedule so that work never suffers in order to bring in the high earnings.

Yes we live in a small house and I run a small non fancy car and we dont live a particularly extravagant lifestyle, but I feel that this the flip side of not feeling that pressure of having to work in a high paying (and usually therefore high stress) career at the age of 50.

Every choice comes at a cost one way or another and as much as £100k a year would be lovely to have, I am not prepared to pay in other ways to earn that much. I really do admire those that can do it, because I know that I cant anymore. Each to their own. Good luck to all the high earners here, you have more fortitude than I do!

Super-tax ?

Are you referring to the additional tax rate ? ... I haven't heard it being referred to as super-tax before !

I am a high earner (I suppose) and get frustrated about the assumptions from people.
I like @Caprisunny worked blood hard and nothing came easy. I was a single mum in a high rise on a famously bad estate. I’ve been homeless. I’ve worked night shifts in factories.
I will only ever support women trying to make it work for them. Women should support women. Life is bloody hard enough.

I ...
I ...
I ...

me, me, me ?

And there is that too

To be honest what pisses me off more is when women start threads to discuss some aspect of their experiences as high earners and women come in to share their experiences - which are actually their husbands.

Your point being?

I am in ‘high earner’ territory. In part, because of threads on MN. Been here since my youngest was born. And I used to read the ‘if you earn a lot what do you do’ threads and the ones just asking for general advice in a corporate setting. I found them so helpful. And also it made me think that if others could do it, so could I.

I could hardly love this post more, @Caprisunny 😊

I got my (cushy & well-paid) career started after reading a magazine feature about high-earning women. Such careers simply didn't exist in the industrial town where I grew up, and I don't think I knew any women who were materially successful off their own bat. Something like MN would have been even more inspiration, especially as I moved along. I could've done with it in my relationships too!

The point is that we all need role models, whatever paths our lives take. This forum offers a wide variety, and many posters are kind enough to take on a mentoring role when asked.

Now I just need models & advice for success as a knackered, old member of the underclass 😳

@Efficaciou5, what's wrong with a poster talking about herself, ffs?

We need more successful women, and we need women to not be afraid to speak of their success. It is pure negging to make successful women feel bad about doing well. We all know how vulnerable women are through child-rearing years, maternity breaks, gender pay gap, lower pension contributions if we take time out, lower lifelong career earnings - I’ve been through all of this, with success lost, and only partially clawed back post divorce - so it is really affirming to see financially strong women. I applaud you all, and I wish success to more women.

Well it's both though, isn't it? It's true that you deserve what you have got and should be able to talk about it and be proud of it, absolutely.

But it doesn't mean that everyone has the skills or personal qualities to achieve what you have. It's equally annoying when people say things like, 'if I can do it, anyone can'. That's just not true. For example, you might be more intelligent, have better logical ability, be more creative, be more confident, be more charismatic etc, etc. You're right that we should support, encourage and inspire each other but people who imply that others don't have what they have because they just don't try enough are not doing any of those things.

I've hardly ever seen that, though, @Spywoman. There used to be a couple of supercilious regulars on here, but even they would offer encouraging advice.

I get what you are saying but I think that @SilentHedges point is that although she had certain skills and abilities to get her where she is, there is often an assumption made that she got there as a result of supportive parents, financial support, knowing the right people, being the in the right place at the right time.... without actually considering that perhaps she managed to get where she is in spite of not having those things.

Its the assumption that any woman who makes it must have had a leg up (or leg over) in some way that grinds my gears. God forbid she made it on her own with her own talents and abilities, no there must be some other reason. And just because other women cant or wont do the same, doesnt mean that women like @SilentHedges should down play what they did!

Ime it isnt people who cant achieve high earning status for whatever reason that have a problem, its the people who could but dont who have the biggest beef. They know deep down that they could achieve more but would rather make excuses that they didnt have the right start in life than put a bit of effort in to achieve the same thing.

This is true too. We all work hard, but many women-dominated industries are poorly paid, so financial success at a high level needs to be found in more lucrative environments, and these are frequently stacked against women, who miss out on the same rate of progression as men.

Her point is that women hate it when women promote themselves. We should be humble and self depreciating. We should hang back, not talk in meetings, not go for that promotion; nor appear bitter when men get applauded for doing less than us or repeating our points.

we should know our place.

The he best scene in the barbie move was when the barbies thanked themselves in their acceptance speeches - and said they worked hard and deserved their awards.

in my industry people talk about women being ambitious as if it’s a character flaw - but men being ambitious means they must be talented and deserving.

True!

I just wondered what else she was supposed to do, write about someone else?!

Have they been written to incite it jealousy? Or have they been written and people are jealous.

Because I never read these threads and felt jealous. I felt inspired.

Also you are confusing career success, financial success and contentment.

I live in the same 3 bed house I bought in a fairly poor area when I was a single person. Don’t drive a flash car. This is the only Social Media I am active on. I don’t wear designer clothes. I am not completely content. I still want to achieve more. I also have PTSD and part of the reason I live in the same house is because it feels safe and familiar. I am not sure I will ever be content, because of the anxiety. I do as much of the DIY myself as I can because I don’t like people in my home that I don’t know well. Not because I enjoy it. I get anxious a lot.

Career success won’t bring me contentment. And I don’t look to my career to do that. My mum died 18 month ago. I can’t ever imagine being completely happy and completely content now she is gone. Because I wouldn’t be able to share it with her. I will grieve her for the rest of my life. How do you become completely at peace and content with PTSD and the constant feeling of a rock in your stomach because you miss your mum?

Career success and complete contentment are not the same thing and you don’t need one to have the other.

I don’t have anyone in my life that explained investments, or the best way to retirement. Or how to work out wether I should over pay the mortgage or not. It’s not something talk about in RL. So MN has been brilliant for me. I use the threads to learn. Just like I learn on the gardening board. Or the DIY board.

Just like when we have the ‘what’s good about your spouse’ threads. I don’t read them and become jealous. My exh had a mental health crisis after 12 years of marriage, he got worse and worse until he attacked me. He now lives off grid and we haven’t seen him for years. I won’t ever get to share my life completely with anyone. Won’t have anyone live with me, won’t get married again. I adored exh. I married him to be with him forever. I feel happy when I read posts from women who have been with their partners for 30 years and are happy and talk about the nice things in their relationship. It’s not going to happen for me. But it doesn’t make me jealous. Because that’s not my mind set. I don’t believe that because I don’t have something, other people shouldn’t be able to share about having that thing.

If a thread about someone’s own success or discussing the results of their success, incites you to feel jealous, that’s about you. Not anyone else. I would t go on to a thread about good relationships and say ‘It’s so rude to talk about being happy when so many people on here are not in happy relationships’. Because that would be weird.

It depends what the advice is! If it's "I earn £200k and I'm hard up" then it's not surprising she'll be called tone deaf.

If it's general career advice or advice on pensions, investments etc. then I agree such comments are unwarranted.

There's a woman who lives near me who once blurted out, " I hate high achievers". I listened very carefully to this, as I'm a bit of a weird mix of low and high achiever myself.
And then it struck me, she seems to be perfectly OK with her husband's high earning power, boasting on FB how they're gonna buy a boat. So perhaps it's more that she hates female high achievers.
She has two kids, boy and girl, and I wonder if she will big up her daughter's achievements as much as her son's.
Envy.

I’m not a high earner ( I wouldn’t class my self compared to some on here ) but I started a job there as the other day and mentioned I was a forensic pathologist and everyone nicely replied their jobs etc
then someone posted theirs and went ok to say but OP don’t you just sit and look at slides in a lab all day 🤣
not sure why people are like it tbf !

Because it speaks to an insecurity within themselves. Deep down it touches a sore spot that's never been dealt with.

Then they ties themselves up in justifications like 'my high earning friends would never ever discuss such vulgar topics like money. They eat yesterday's porridge with their fingers, wear clothes made from bin bags and would never dream of posting anything about themselves on social media. 'When little Timmy got 70 A* in his GCSEs we locked him in cupboard for a week for fear of the neighbours thinking we were boasting'.

Luxury, sheer luxury.