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How angry: DD(11) walked through village in swimsuit?

435 replies

PSBorNormal · 15/08/2023 20:56

I'm very pissed off, with DD but mainly with the other parent, at the inappropriate-ness of letting a girl walk home from their house in a swimming costume. DH thinks it's hilarious and I'm over reacting.

DD(11) went to a friends house after school today. Friend lives on a farm on the outskirts of the village (1800 inhabitants), on the edge of the forest. They went swimming in their pool and I'd told DD she needed to be home at 6pm. She walked 5 minutes down the side road from the forest (where a lot of dog walkers park, 5 houses) then 10 minutes down one of the two main roads through the village to the centre where we live, wearing only her swimming costume with a towel around her shoulders.

I don't think this is appropriate and told her off for not getting changed.
DH doesn't see an issue with it.

What would your reaction be?

OP posts:
thegreylady · 15/08/2023 23:58

A one piece swimsuit no problem at all, an itsy witsy bikini a big No!

wordler · 15/08/2023 23:59

You are totally overreacting - it’s summer - she had a swimsuit and a towel over her shoulders - totally fine.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 16/08/2023 00:04

ZolaBudd · 15/08/2023 21:01

Youre sexualising an 11-year-old. Have a word with yourself.

I don't agree. I think that @PSBorNormal is just fully aware that these days there seems to be at least one adult - still usually a man - in every village, several in a town, and an even more scary amount in every city, who do exactly that, they sexualise 11 year olds and terrifyingly even much younger children.

I also understand the OP's reaction when she found out, it was a big shock brought on by fear of what could have happened, or what seed of thoughts could have started in some very sick individual's mind - maybe someone who continues to live in their village. That shock was born out of a mother's love for her growing child, who she knows is getting into such a different phase of her childhood, not only one where it will become increasingly more difficult to look after and protect her child, but at the same ages children seem programmed to defy their parents and rebel against their lifelong held authority - I believe that with love, luck, and education, the defying and rebelling are actually positive (although exhausting and maddening at times) traits even thought it may on occassions put them into some potentially dangerous situations.

Thankfully most tweens and teenagers survive, and even thrive under these conditions, how they cope growing up through those years may have an enormous bearing on what sort of adult they become. Having loving parents (who do need to be able to control their growing fear for their children in a healthy and effective way) is one of the backbones that can help support our burgening teenagers into becoming well rounded young adults.

As our children learn to defy us we need to be one step ahead (with the added advantage that ee eere all teenagers one) and try to manage given situations without noticebly losing our rag or panicking. Neither teenergers or their parents will get it right all of the time, which reminds me of the prayer I believe has been utilised by the AA...

My children have all been adults for quite a long-time now, with their teenage years quite far behind them soI wish I could say that at last I get a break from worrying now that I have somehow survived the teenage years several times, but unfortunately the worries and concerns just change, for me they don't disappear, and now I have my wonderful Grandchildren the cycle starts again, until the long rest presents itself!

I know that a lot of Mumsnetters will strongly disagree with what I am saying here, you/they are probably the ones who were brought up by loving, but also confident, parents who just didn't live their lives worrying about things that will hopefully never happen. The best parents can probably manage a happy medium between how you feel and how I feel - although it might seem as if I was trying to, I can't actually speak for the OP, her words just rang a bell with me.

But @ZolaBudd I think that you need to have a word with yourself about accusing the OP of sexualising her child, I strongly believe that she is doing the apposite and trying to keep her DD's innocence for as long as possible. I do hope that the OP has both explained to her DD why she got angry (in an age appropriate way so as not to terrify her - I'm sure that she has or will do!) and of course apologised for having done so.

As this is eceptionally long (even for me) and has taken such a long time as we stopped for supper part way through, I might now find that this was all done and dusted a long time ago 😁

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 16/08/2023 00:11

She won’t do it next year.

Differentstarts · 16/08/2023 00:13

I had girls but Riley was a boy name I picked out along with Mason and kai

Differentstarts · 16/08/2023 00:14

Differentstarts · 16/08/2023 00:13

I had girls but Riley was a boy name I picked out along with Mason and kai

Whoops wrong post 📫 😬

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/08/2023 00:32

Can’t see the problem! They’re children. They might have been a bit cold but not real issue as long as they had something on their feet.

SheerLucks · 16/08/2023 00:34

Are you from the 1950s? Seriously!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/08/2023 00:34

Fallingthroughclouds · 15/08/2023 23:18

The less you wear the more attention you get and a lot of that attention may be unwanted. We can try and pretend that, that's not the case, but it's naive to think otherwise. You've jumped to the term slut shaming as it's a fashionable, woke and very on point term. What it isn't is true. This mum isn't trying to humiliate, degrade or insult her daughter, she is just trying to protect her. At no point has she insinuated that she's a slut or shamed her. Parents try and protect their kids, if this doesn't suit your agenda, then tough (ffs).

Not that’s not true.

Actually dangerous people go for those who look vulnerable in the sense of lacking in confidence and the ability to protect themselves - by shouting out or seeking help. They’re usually not in swim suits.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/08/2023 00:34

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/08/2023 23:51

@MolkosTeenageAngst well pardon me for clearly being too thick for this conversation.

Your initial post In the unlikely event that a child predator was ready and waiting to take a child I don’t think what the child is wearing is going to swing the decision either way, your child is no more vulnerable in a swimsuit than in any other item of clothing. Either it’s a safe route for her to walk or it’s not

It's the "than in any other item of clothing" that prompted me to ask about underwear. Not sure why you consider that so out of left field to be quite honest.

And sorry but the conversation had moved on from your original post that I quoted anyway. That's why I was making the distinction between 'vulnerability' and 'appropriate attire'. They were two different points.

But regardless - as I said - I do not think swimwear is appropriate outdoor attire unless at a pool, lake, beach. Vulnerability and safeguarding is a whole other can of worms.

I mean I don’t think a child is more vulnerable in underwear than a swimsuit, no. But that’s not what you asked. You didn’t ask, ‘So do you think they’re equally vulnerable in underwear to a swimsuit?’ You said, ‘so you’d let your daughter walk a safe route in underwear?’ I hadn’t said I would let a child walk a safe route in a swimsuit, so how did you extrapolate from my post that I would let them walk it in underwear? Saying something doesn’t make someone more vulnerable is not the same as saying it’s fine to wear in any and all situations or the same as saying I would let a child walk it. My original post didn’t even say I would let a child walk the route in a swimsuit, so how could you get from it that I would let them walk it in underwear? It just wasn’t a logical response to the point I made which is why I found it left field, because saying something doesn’t make you more vulnerable and specifically referring only to the aspect of vulnerability to a predator is not the same as saying it’s socially appropriate or that I would let my child do it. It doesn’t make sense to me that you would infer that from my original post.

And if the conversation has moved on why do you keep quoting me? I haven’t read the rest of the conversation, I am just reading and responding directly to the posts you are quoting/ tagging me in because they come up as notifications. If you’re responding to other parts of the conversation there is no need to quote or tag me.

JudgeRudy · 16/08/2023 00:40

GiveOverRover · 15/08/2023 22:09

@JudgeRudy

If I thought she was deliberately flaunting her body (11 year old bodies can vary so much) for attention I might be annoyed and would verbalise my displeasure

If you've got an 11 year old girl you believe to be deliberately flaunting her body, whatever the suffering fuck that even means when you're talking about an 11 year old child, then you need to be looking at where she has been failed by you, and what you can do to support her going forward rather than verbalising your displeasure.

Lord have mercy.

I'd have thought 'flaunting her body for attention' was self explanatory. It's something a lot of adolescent girls do at some stage and isn't necessarily related to any parental failings, more about them testing and learning about their own sexuality.

Offyoupoplove · 16/08/2023 00:42

As long as they weren’t cold, I wouldn’t be bothered.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 16/08/2023 00:55

I spent many summers running like that even well into my teens. If I had to pop into a store I might wrap my towel my waist or throw some shorts on. I honestly font see a problem with this

Gagaandgag · 16/08/2023 01:15

HUGE overreaction

Gagaandgag · 16/08/2023 01:20

GiveOverRover · 15/08/2023 22:32

Yes, she had a towel round her shoulders. Let's presume that she was wearing it like a cape rather than a heavyweight boxer. Let's also presume it wasn't a tea towel.

Hahah

carolineofcanton · 16/08/2023 01:21

There are definitely some creepy men around, so I understand if that's a concern

AutumnalPumpkin · 16/08/2023 01:28

And what makes this inappropriate?? She was covered was she not ?

Threenow · 16/08/2023 01:42

HoppingPavlova · 15/08/2023 23:24

Lucky you don’t live in Australia, people drop into their supermarket like this to grab stuff on way home from beach. Can only imagine your horror🤣.

Many uptight people in the UK - some even can't cope with bare feet outside the house!

VintageBlossomHill · 16/08/2023 01:58

I get it. @PSBorNormal I have a 10 year old daughter. I wouldn’t want her walking down the street wearing a swimsuit.

Hopefully most of the people looking at her would have a normal reaction something like “there’s that little girl on the way home from swimming - isn’t it great the weathers good enough to do this”

However I would not want the freaky people having the opportunity to ogle her and get their kicks. 🤢

SammyScrounge · 16/08/2023 02:00

No problem there ,I'd say.

VintageBlossomHill · 16/08/2023 02:02

And yes I believe kids are more vulnerable.

I was at a funfair tonight and I noticed lots of older men hecking out/ giving themselves whiplash as young teenage girls walked by in their skimpy tops and short shorts.

Daffodil63 · 16/08/2023 02:06

I understand OP, I wouldn't have let my daughter do that, I think you are right to be angry

LongingForWolverhampton · 16/08/2023 02:10

I wouldn't have an issue at all.

curaçao · 16/08/2023 02:20

Hmm this thread sounds as though it came from the same stable as the13 year old and the fishnets ( which I think was deleted)

LongingForWolverhampton · 16/08/2023 02:22

An 11 year old girl walking alone is vulnerable anyway no matter how she is dressed. I'm in no way saying that children aged 11 shouldn't be allowed out alone anywhere. I'm saying there is always risk. child sexual abuse is about power and control not sex.

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