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Original poster

Supporting 16 year old DD through an abortion - hand hold please

119 replies

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 14:57

Hi everyone, my 16 year old daughter is going through a medical abortion right now. I am trying to support her, changing her pads and cleaning up the toilet but this is so hard.
I am so grateful she was able to talk to about her fears that she was pregnant, when she took the test and her feelings. We went to a NUPAS clinic yesterday for her scan and to collect the tablets and there were some young girls there alone which broke my heart.
She doesn't think of it as a baby, just cells and she says she still feels like she has made the best decision, but it's harder than she thought it would be. I come from a family that loves babies and although I would never have wanted her to be in this position, would have supported her if she had continued with the pregnancy.
I am doing my best and know this isn't about me, but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet. Also finding it traumatic seeing what is coming away. Obviously not letting on any of this to her.
Also, she had told her younger brothers she was pregnant (despite me asking her not to) during the week she was adamant she wanted to keep it. They were excited and are now really upset as we have had to tell them she is losing the baby.
Please be kind. Has anyone been in this position and what things helped your dd? It's not something I can talk to friends about in real life as my daughter doesn't want people to know and I've also not known anyone close to me go through this but just want her to come through this as best she can, although I know it will be vert difficult for her. She has a prescription for the contraceptive patch to use as well as condoms.
Thanks

OP posts:
zoomiesdrivememad · 15/08/2023 15:01

Hi, no experience of being in your position but I think she's doing the most sensible thing at her age.

16 is no age to be having a baby. As a parent, surely you want her to go off and enjoy the world, travel, meet people, then have a baby when the time is right. Being a 16 year old parent would be a lot harder to do that.

Your feelings are valid, but ultimately it was her choice and you can only support her now.

Cynderella · 15/08/2023 15:03

Not quite the same, but similar. It was very late, and even though I am very pro choice, I struggled with it. Four years on, and all is well - she has no regrets, and I honestly don't think about it. Once it was done and all was back to 'normal', it was much easier to move on.

SM4713 · 15/08/2023 15:03

I'm sorry this is happening. Has she had any paracetamol for the pain? The meds can also give you a high fever and a flushed face, so paracetamol will help with that too. She might not want to now, but down the line she might want to speak to someone about her experience. I assume they gave you contact details for a counsellor?

TBH- I'm surprised that the surgical option wasn't given, especially due to her age.

Changes17 · 15/08/2023 15:05

It must be hard for you both. I think her attitude is probably a healthy one to have, and it’s good that she’s sure she’s made the right decision. Someone once said to me that everyone makes the decision that is right for them in this situation.

Maybe it would help to think of it as a miscarriage - it wasn’t the right time. I’m sure there will be more grandchildren if that’s the decision she chooses to make in the future. Support her choice - it’s great that you have such a good relationship.

Middlelanehogger · 15/08/2023 15:07

Sorry to hear it OP, it must be really hard for you. Acknowledge your own feelings about the "baby" and let yourself feel them when you're alone, it's okay to feel like that even if you think logically it's the best outcome. Just focus on listening to your daughter and providing practical help as you're doing x

Whataretheodds · 15/08/2023 15:14

How far gone was she?

Don't talk about it as a baby, would probably be my first advice.

lastminutewednesday · 15/08/2023 15:14

Just be a lovely mum as you are being.
My mum was the opposite of this. She dropped me off at the hospital and left me to it and I had to get the bus home. She Sharply slapped my face the day after when I was crying and in pain and we never spoke of it again.

So basically anything better than that and you are on a winner.

I'm sure it's the right choice for your DD but she will be up and down for a while especially as the hormones drop. Wrap her up in lots of love and understanding and when the time is right encourage her to use some more reliable contraception methods. Lots of love to you both

Original poster
MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 15:23

Cynderella · 15/08/2023 15:03

Not quite the same, but similar. It was very late, and even though I am very pro choice, I struggled with it. Four years on, and all is well - she has no regrets, and I honestly don't think about it. Once it was done and all was back to 'normal', it was much easier to move on.

Thank you for sharing this, I am glad all is well now.

Thanks for the replies.
She was 8 + 4. She can't keep anything down today so hasn't been able to take any painkillers. She has had several days of sickness over the last few weeks and I had hyperemesis with all my pregnancies. She has a hot water bottle which she is finding is helping a little.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 15:24

lastminutewednesday · 15/08/2023 15:14

Just be a lovely mum as you are being.
My mum was the opposite of this. She dropped me off at the hospital and left me to it and I had to get the bus home. She Sharply slapped my face the day after when I was crying and in pain and we never spoke of it again.

So basically anything better than that and you are on a winner.

I'm sure it's the right choice for your DD but she will be up and down for a while especially as the hormones drop. Wrap her up in lots of love and understanding and when the time is right encourage her to use some more reliable contraception methods. Lots of love to you both

I am so sorry that you were treated like that. As a parent I can't imagine treating my child so coldly, especially during such a difficult time in their life.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 15/08/2023 15:27

It sounds awful. But if she is only a few weeks it isn't so bad, but I can see why you didnt want her to tell her younger brothers. She shouldn't have.

SM4713 · 15/08/2023 15:28

You can get paracetamol in suppository form from a pharmacy if she is vomiting. Sometimes the meds can cause diarrhoea also, but that should be fairly short lived.

GingerIsBest · 15/08/2023 15:31

I think the practical support you're offering now is right. Over the next few days or weeks, it's probably best to simply be a little sensitive to the fact that she might be feeling a bit sensitive and raw, alongside ongoing physical discomfort. If she wants to talk about it, then of course do that, but my instinct would be to go with a more subtle form of support - be there, ensure you do kind gestures, cut her a little slack etc. She needs support, but she also needs to feel that it's not a MASSIVE deal for you because otherwise she's going to start questioning/feeling guilty etc.

Mariposista · 15/08/2023 15:34

lastminutewednesday · 15/08/2023 15:14

Just be a lovely mum as you are being.
My mum was the opposite of this. She dropped me off at the hospital and left me to it and I had to get the bus home. She Sharply slapped my face the day after when I was crying and in pain and we never spoke of it again.

So basically anything better than that and you are on a winner.

I'm sure it's the right choice for your DD but she will be up and down for a while especially as the hormones drop. Wrap her up in lots of love and understanding and when the time is right encourage her to use some more reliable contraception methods. Lots of love to you both

What a horrible thing to go through. I hope you have been able to move on and form your own family (either with children in it or not, as you choose). With a man in it, or just a supportive family made up of friends, as you choose. Who needs 'family' like that?

OP your daughter is brave, mature, responsible and strong to do what she has chosen to do! Keep reminding her of that. The worst will be over soon and she can move on. Get her counselling if she needs it, and get her to focus on her friends, hobbies, family etc.

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 15:36

but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet

Do not ever, ever, ever vocalise this appalling thought to your daughter. She has made her (in my opinion, correct) decision. Her life would have been incredibly hard and utterly limited if she’d pursued this.

Were you young when you had her?

You need to park those silly thoughts and support her as her mother. She’s right. It’s just cells. And how she views this is what matters, not you.

Whydoifeellikeaneel · 15/08/2023 15:41

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 15:36

but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet

Do not ever, ever, ever vocalise this appalling thought to your daughter. She has made her (in my opinion, correct) decision. Her life would have been incredibly hard and utterly limited if she’d pursued this.

Were you young when you had her?

You need to park those silly thoughts and support her as her mother. She’s right. It’s just cells. And how she views this is what matters, not you.

Op is clearly keeping her feelings to herself and doesn't need you telling her what to feel. She is looking for support so she doesn't burden her daughter and you don't get to tell her that her thoughts are silly when she is trying to process something difficult, whilst trying to stay strong for her daughter.

Give0fecks · 15/08/2023 15:42

I’ve been the daughter in this situation, and it was the best decision I ever made to have an abortion at 16. I am now a professional, married with 2 planned children (much later). I had the life I wanted and didn’t have to give any opportunities up.

I actually was surprised to read you comments about ‘flushing your grandchild down the toilet’ etc. you need to drop that mindset. this isn’t about you. I’m sure your daughter will be picking up on your judgement, so I hope you’re being careful in how you are coming across.

Lovegood · 15/08/2023 15:43

Hi OP. I've been there, but in your DDs position.

For me, my dad looked after me and he was calm and supportive and kind throughout the whole process, which was pretty awful (I didn't find out til much later on so had a surgical abortion). I had waves of regret for ages afterwards, but also massive waves of relief too.

I went on to travel at 18 and then had a baby at 24, when I felt I WAS ready and I have never once regretted my abortion, because the 8 years in between those 2 pregnancies was when I really lived my life fully.

My dad told me years and years later he'd found it emotionally very difficult, and like you, he felt said about 'his first grandchild'. So, look after yourself too- you sound like a lovely supportive mum.

mrstrickland · 15/08/2023 15:43

It sounds like you are doing a lot to support her, but as others have said, this isn't your grandchild being flushed down the toilet it is just cells. It is just like bloody clots when you are having a period, nothing more than that. I have had an abortion and whilst it was painful and distressing it was absolutely the right choice for me at that time. Hopefully your daughter will happily move on from this

Noodge · 15/08/2023 15:45

I had a medical abortion when I was 18 (just over twenty years ago). It was EXTREMELY painful, I dont know if I reacted badly to it or just things have improved somewhat since then but it was total agony, I fainted from the pain and bled for nearly 6 months following it. Of course this may be very unusual but I'd make sure your DD is seeking medical attention if anything like that happens, and keeping an eye on her body, pain levels and any changes.

My Mum paid for it, and was on the phone being supportive afterwards (I moved out aged 16) and was just very sympathetic and let me know she was there. You seem to be doing all of the right things. I'd confide in other people and seek support for your perspective about the situation, your feelings are valid but your reactions must stay in that place of support for DD.

Original poster
MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 15:46

I clearly stated in my post I know it is not about me and I am not letting on how I am feeling to her. I am also not judging her, I am just sad that she is going through this and during the week she was adamant she was continuing with the pregnancy, did start envisioning what being a Grandparent may be like. I know it is her decision and I respect and support her with her choice. I also asked for people to please be kind, which I am grateful the majority of posters have been.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 15/08/2023 15:48

Hand hold for you and ((hugs)) for your DD. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.

Original poster
MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 15:49

My last post was in reply to Hibiscrubbed and Give0fecks.

Thanks for all the other reponses.

OP posts:
Middlelanehogger · 15/08/2023 15:50

this isn't your grandchild being flushed down the toilet it is just cells

I don't know why people make comments like this and think it's helpful. It's possible to both acknowledge the potential life they represent and to still support your daughter to the fullest as OP is doing.

bingojuice · 15/08/2023 15:54

Op I think your doing a great job and it's ok to have those thoughts it's only natural. So sorry your both going through this it must be so hard 💐

TheChosenTwo · 15/08/2023 15:55

Agree with @Middlelanehogger - op
is totally entitled to have thoughts and feelings that she won’t share with her daughter but can say to strangers without judgement. I was a bit older when I had a termination, I had 2 dc when I was quite young and a third would have been a fucking disaster in our then circumstances. I felt the same, disconnected from the pregnancy and also viewed it as unwanted cells being removed from my body. And I was so so grateful to have the option. Dh looked after me, made me a nice dinner and tucked me up in bed with a film and some chocolates so I could rest. And the next few day, despite a bit of soreness and discomfort, I felt so much relief, instantly lighter and with a huge weight lifted.
So nice to hear there are such supportive parents out there, just be there for her and don’t be surprised if she never brings it up again, it might not be that she was traumatised by the event, it might be that like me I mostly forget it ever happened. 💐