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Original poster

Supporting 16 year old DD through an abortion - hand hold please

119 replies

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 14:57

Hi everyone, my 16 year old daughter is going through a medical abortion right now. I am trying to support her, changing her pads and cleaning up the toilet but this is so hard.
I am so grateful she was able to talk to about her fears that she was pregnant, when she took the test and her feelings. We went to a NUPAS clinic yesterday for her scan and to collect the tablets and there were some young girls there alone which broke my heart.
She doesn't think of it as a baby, just cells and she says she still feels like she has made the best decision, but it's harder than she thought it would be. I come from a family that loves babies and although I would never have wanted her to be in this position, would have supported her if she had continued with the pregnancy.
I am doing my best and know this isn't about me, but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet. Also finding it traumatic seeing what is coming away. Obviously not letting on any of this to her.
Also, she had told her younger brothers she was pregnant (despite me asking her not to) during the week she was adamant she wanted to keep it. They were excited and are now really upset as we have had to tell them she is losing the baby.
Please be kind. Has anyone been in this position and what things helped your dd? It's not something I can talk to friends about in real life as my daughter doesn't want people to know and I've also not known anyone close to me go through this but just want her to come through this as best she can, although I know it will be vert difficult for her. She has a prescription for the contraceptive patch to use as well as condoms.
Thanks

OP posts:
nofuturewithout · 15/08/2023 21:09

Thinking of you. I’ve had an abortion before. What a lovely mum to stand by their daughter who has made a mistake. Going through this should hopefully shock her. Everyone makes mistakes and she’s young. X

fullbloom87 · 15/08/2023 22:00

I had a surgical abortion at 15. I had no one and back then (2002) you had to go to the general hospital and I was treated like rubbish.
I never really got over it and the father and I went on to have our 1st baby at 18. We're still together and have 3 daughters in total now, so not a terrible ending but I do wish we'd waited and lived our lives first before going through all that at such a young age.

I think your daughter is making the best decision. She may well move on quickly or she may ponder about it for some time or perhaps later but the best way for you as her mum to deal with it, is to keep her busy with lots of fun things, education, happy times.
The problem I had was I didn't have very good parents and had nothing to look forward to in life.

I hope she makes a quick recovery. Big hugs to you and your daughter x

HikingforScenery · 15/08/2023 22:10

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 15:36

but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet

Do not ever, ever, ever vocalise this appalling thought to your daughter. She has made her (in my opinion, correct) decision. Her life would have been incredibly hard and utterly limited if she’d pursued this.

Were you young when you had her?

You need to park those silly thoughts and support her as her mother. She’s right. It’s just cells. And how she views this is what matters, not you.

Woah, that’s harsh.
OP needs support too. She’s stated clearly she’s not sharing these thoughts with her DD

Original poster
MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 22:50

Thank you to every person that has left supportive comments and shared experiences. I think and hope my DD is through the worst (physically) now. She's been so brave.
I am as prepared as I can be for her to experience a rollercoaster of emotions in the next few days/ weeks/ months at what is already a difficult time waiting for GCSE results and having to adjust to whatever comes next (hopefully sixth form).
We do clash at times but I am grateful to her for being so open with me and will do my best to encourage her to talk to me or whoever she feels comfortable talking to.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
Nagado · 15/08/2023 22:58

We do clash at times but I am grateful to her for being so open with me and will do my best to encourage her to talk to me or whoever she feels comfortable talking to

I think you’ve just cemented in her mind the fact that it’s safe for her to come to you with whatever is going on in her life. She won’t forget how you’ve reacted and I’m sure she’ll think back to you if she ever finds herself in your position in the future. I hope all goes as best as it can in her recovery 💐

Thelonelygiraffe · 15/08/2023 23:27

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 15:36

but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet

Do not ever, ever, ever vocalise this appalling thought to your daughter. She has made her (in my opinion, correct) decision. Her life would have been incredibly hard and utterly limited if she’d pursued this.

Were you young when you had her?

You need to park those silly thoughts and support her as her mother. She’s right. It’s just cells. And how she views this is what matters, not you.

What a foul response. The op is clearly keeping her feelings to herself, but her feelings are perfectly valid too. This WAS her first grandchild, and she will never meet them.

So why don't you button your lip and think before you spout off hurtful responses?

Thelonelygiraffe · 15/08/2023 23:29

Middlelanehogger · 15/08/2023 15:50

this isn't your grandchild being flushed down the toilet it is just cells

I don't know why people make comments like this and think it's helpful. It's possible to both acknowledge the potential life they represent and to still support your daughter to the fullest as OP is doing.

I agree.

Thelonelygiraffe · 15/08/2023 23:35

watermeloncougar · 15/08/2023 18:01

@MoodyMom your feelings are entirely valid and I imagine many people might feel the same. If your dd went ahead with the pregnancy then by next spring you would be holding your grandchild- and you're allowed to mourn the fact you won't be alongside being the supportive mum who is recognising that your dd has made a valid decision, and from a practical perspective, probably a sensible one.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things in terms of comforting and caring. I agree with the pp that even if she feels relief in the short time, she may feel conflicted and troubled in the future so keep the lines of communication clear. It's a pity she told her younger siblings as this must feel confusing for them... excited one day, and now everything has changed. I think you'll just have to be very honest and hear them out if they're upset or questioning what's going on.

It's a horrible situation really. You're doing all you can Flowers

This!

HRTQueen · 15/08/2023 23:36

Try your best not to have thoughts of what if you can go through all of that later

I felt terrible guilt for not feeling guilty I absolutely knew I had made the right decision and luckily my mum and nanny were both very supportive

I was 17 and never have never had a moment of guilt about the choice I made

Littlemissfroggy · 15/08/2023 23:55

When I had a miscarriage, knowing that I planned future children, I found it helpful to think that only the miscarriage itself would make my actual future children possible. That one day I could look back, and realise I wouldn't have the same children without that miscarriage.

So one way of reframing this from your perspective would be to say that your daughter's abortion, far from flushing away your grandchild, is actually making the grandchild(ren) you will one day have possible. And hopefully under much better circumstances for your daughter. Of course, there's no knowing but it's certainly possible. Just as the pregnancy had potential, so does the abortion. The abortion does not only represent a loss.

Of course, that isn't to say some sadness isn't totally valid and you should be kind to yourself at this point X

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 15/08/2023 23:58

You sound like a sensitive loving mum. Your dd is fortunate to have your support and care through this.

LuckyPeonies · 16/08/2023 00:29

OP, you sound like a great and very supportive mum.

I had a surgical abortion at 15 and, beyond my father dropping me off at the hospital entrance, my parents were completely uninvolved. Neither even came to visit me during the week I was there. I am sure your daughter appreciates you and your concern for her very much!!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 00:32

Just you being with her there will be a big help and supporting her and using forums like this to vent your own feelings so that you can focus on her when you're with her. X

EmmatheStageRat · 16/08/2023 01:00

@MoodyMom I never usually do the hyperbolic ‘you sound like an awesome mum’ postings, but genuinely you do. I have a lot of crosses to bear with my own teen DD but I am not sure how I would cope with such a young pregnancy, wanted or not. Your poor DD. Poor you. And the BF?

bigdecisionstomake · 16/08/2023 08:28

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 15:36

but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet

Do not ever, ever, ever vocalise this appalling thought to your daughter. She has made her (in my opinion, correct) decision. Her life would have been incredibly hard and utterly limited if she’d pursued this.

Were you young when you had her?

You need to park those silly thoughts and support her as her mother. She’s right. It’s just cells. And how she views this is what matters, not you.

I think this is one of the most callous things I've read on MN for a long time. It is perfectly normal for OP to be going through a range of emotions at this time and she is very clearly expressing them here on an anonymous forum rather than vocalising them in front of her daughter. Loads of pregnancies miscarry at around the same time - are you saying that no-one should be sad about that either?

OP - I think you are doing a fantastic job and it's a credit to you as a parent that your daughter was able to talk to you about this and ask for your help. Keep doing what you're doing and don't let anyone tell you that this isn't emotionally hard on you too.

NoPazuzu · 17/08/2023 11:00

BigButtons · 15/08/2023 17:05

Don’t be bloody ridiculous. At 8 weeks there is a heart beat. It is an embryo and it is alive.

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For a certain definition of alive maybe.

This is helpful how?

BigButtons · 17/08/2023 11:04

NoPazuzu · 17/08/2023 11:00

For a certain definition of alive maybe.

This is helpful how?

Show quote history

How is it not helpful? It is a fact. The op and her daughter would not be going through the complex a emotions of this distressing time if the embryo were not alive.

Whydoifeellikeaneel · 17/08/2023 13:36

BigButtons · 17/08/2023 11:04

How is it not helpful? It is a fact. The op and her daughter would not be going through the complex a emotions of this distressing time if the embryo were not alive.

Show quote history

I agree. There would be no need for an abortion if the embryo were not alive. This is why the OP is grappling with a range of difficult feelings. There is context to her emotions. She isn't upset because her daughter is just having a period, as a PP suggested. The situation needs to be acknowledged with all its nuance in order to support the OP.

RavingStyle · 17/08/2023 14:48

Another saying "Well done" to you, OP, you're being so great for your daughter, and whilst sad and stressful this experience has helped cement a close relationship and trust with her.
I helped my DD through a lockdown medical abortion, but she was 22. She was so calm and matter of fact about it that it was all fine. I honestly never once thought about there being a "grandchild", even though I'd love one.
As a PP said, it is great that women and girls in this country have the convenience of easily accessible abortion these days, and without the disapproval and judgement that I, and many others, had to endure in the past.

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