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Original poster

Supporting 16 year old DD through an abortion - hand hold please

119 replies

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 14:57

Hi everyone, my 16 year old daughter is going through a medical abortion right now. I am trying to support her, changing her pads and cleaning up the toilet but this is so hard.
I am so grateful she was able to talk to about her fears that she was pregnant, when she took the test and her feelings. We went to a NUPAS clinic yesterday for her scan and to collect the tablets and there were some young girls there alone which broke my heart.
She doesn't think of it as a baby, just cells and she says she still feels like she has made the best decision, but it's harder than she thought it would be. I come from a family that loves babies and although I would never have wanted her to be in this position, would have supported her if she had continued with the pregnancy.
I am doing my best and know this isn't about me, but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet. Also finding it traumatic seeing what is coming away. Obviously not letting on any of this to her.
Also, she had told her younger brothers she was pregnant (despite me asking her not to) during the week she was adamant she wanted to keep it. They were excited and are now really upset as we have had to tell them she is losing the baby.
Please be kind. Has anyone been in this position and what things helped your dd? It's not something I can talk to friends about in real life as my daughter doesn't want people to know and I've also not known anyone close to me go through this but just want her to come through this as best she can, although I know it will be vert difficult for her. She has a prescription for the contraceptive patch to use as well as condoms.
Thanks

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 15/08/2023 17:04

I was that 15 year old.
I got pregnant and had a medical abortion. My mum was supportive, my dad was mortified and silent. I didn't need anyone to clean up after me -is this something you need to be doing if you find it stressful? I understand you are being kind but she can change pads and flush the toilet herself unless she is finding something particularly difficult?
I've never regretted my decision. I certainly wasn't in a position to have a baby. It's absolutely valid that you have these feelings but please don't vocalise them to your DD.

Gnomegnomegnome · 15/08/2023 17:05

@WantingToEducate I’m sorry that you went through that but I think it’s so important to share your experience with @MoodyMom . Flowers

BigButtons · 15/08/2023 17:05

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/08/2023 16:18

This. Please!

A relatively low percentage of fertilized eggs ever make it the whole way. They aren't human beings! At eight weeks they are merely the byproduct of a bodily function, no more alive than ear wax.

I am perplexed that you are actually changing her sanitary pads?

Show quote history

Don’t be bloody ridiculous. At 8 weeks there is a heart beat. It is an embryo and it is alive.

Whydoifeellikeaneel · 15/08/2023 17:05

Wisenotboring · 15/08/2023 16:54

I think OP has already made it clear that she is offering her daughter unconditional, sensitive support. He has come on for a hand hold and to say the things she can't say elsewhere. Her feelings are valid and understandable.

OP, I can't imagine how hard this feels for you but well done on being a good mum supporting your daughter even though it feels hard. Much love to you all.

Show quote history

I'm surprised at the thought-policing going on here. Abortion is a sensitive, emotive subject. For some people it's very black and white at either end of the spectrum and in the middle are people who see it in various shades of grey. Op is clearly doing her best and is using mumsnet to process her feelings away from her daughter, but is being berated for not thinking the right things. Even grown women going through their own abortions can have mixed feelings and nuanced emotions about what's happening. For some people it's cut and dry, for others there are layers of emotions and perspectives. Nobody gets to tell anyone that their feelings are wrong, especially when they are trying their absolute best.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/08/2023 17:05

At 8 weeks it's an embryo and there is no actual heart till 17-20 weeks.

www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna24435

Whydoifeellikeaneel · 15/08/2023 17:07

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/08/2023 17:05

At 8 weeks it's an embryo and there is no actual heart till 17-20 weeks.

www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna24435

It's definitely not a bodily secretion though.

FortyFacedFuckers · 15/08/2023 17:14

Op I was a teenage mum & I now work with teenage mums so I have no practical support to add but I just wanted to tell you that you are obviously a wonderful mother, the majority of teens that go through this are alone.
Hugs for you & your daughter. X

Original poster
MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 17:19

Thank you for the supportive comments and sharing your experiences.

She asked me to change her pads as she doesn't want to see anything. She is normally very private but this and holding her hand when she is sick are all she has asked of me Some people may be 'perplexed' but I am going to do whatever she needs me to.

OP posts:
DoesNotPlayWellWithIdiots · 15/08/2023 17:29

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 17:19

Thank you for the supportive comments and sharing your experiences.

She asked me to change her pads as she doesn't want to see anything. She is normally very private but this and holding her hand when she is sick are all she has asked of me Some people may be 'perplexed' but I am going to do whatever she needs me to.

OP you're doing a marvellous job! Nothing at all perplexing about being a fantastic mum to your daughter. I'm sorry some people are being insensitive towards you.

sweetacheeks · 15/08/2023 17:34

No experience but just to say well done for being there & for stopping a potentially poor outcome for the child.

Lookitaahhh · 15/08/2023 17:35

You sound like an absolutely wonderful mum-your dd is lucky to have such a positive relationship with you. This must be such a difficult time for you both. I completely understand how you had begun to imagine what it would be like to be a grandparent during the time that she thought she would keep the baby-I should think I would have been the same. Keep focussing all you love and kindness on your dd and I hope you are both able to move on when the time is right 💐

oakleaffy · 15/08/2023 17:39

Whataretheodds · 15/08/2023 15:14

How far gone was she?

Don't talk about it as a baby, would probably be my first advice.

This in spades.

Sounds quite far advanced if pads &c are needed

I can see why you are upset, @MoodyMom , but rein in your personal feelings.

WantingToEducate · 15/08/2023 17:40

Gnomegnomegnome · 15/08/2023 17:05

@WantingToEducate I’m sorry that you went through that but I think it’s so important to share your experience with @MoodyMom . Flowers

Thank you for that x

I won’t even go into how I was treated at school when people found out because it was just horrifying. I really don’t think that helped when it came to my mental state either 😢

Whenever the pregnancy/termination had to be mentioned at home it was always referred to by my mom as “that mess you got yourself in to.”

It was a very dark time of my life 😢

MrsMarzetti · 15/08/2023 17:41

So sorry both you and your Daughter are having to go through this. Flowers

rainbowunicorn · 15/08/2023 17:48

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 15:36

but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet

Do not ever, ever, ever vocalise this appalling thought to your daughter. She has made her (in my opinion, correct) decision. Her life would have been incredibly hard and utterly limited if she’d pursued this.

Were you young when you had her?

You need to park those silly thoughts and support her as her mother. She’s right. It’s just cells. And how she views this is what matters, not you.

Dont be horrible. It is quite obvious from her posts that OP is being supportive and isn't saying anything like that to her daughter. She is reaching out for some support herself. She has every right to feel as she does and you have no right to tell her that her thoughts are silly.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 15/08/2023 17:49

Give0fecks · 15/08/2023 15:42

I’ve been the daughter in this situation, and it was the best decision I ever made to have an abortion at 16. I am now a professional, married with 2 planned children (much later). I had the life I wanted and didn’t have to give any opportunities up.

I actually was surprised to read you comments about ‘flushing your grandchild down the toilet’ etc. you need to drop that mindset. this isn’t about you. I’m sure your daughter will be picking up on your judgement, so I hope you’re being careful in how you are coming across.

I think you're being harsh. OP has a right to feel sad. She is still clearly a caring, loving mother.

LoonyLois · 15/08/2023 17:55

Thinking of you all. It’s so lovely you’re there to support her

willWillSmithsmith · 15/08/2023 17:57

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 15:36

but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet

Do not ever, ever, ever vocalise this appalling thought to your daughter. She has made her (in my opinion, correct) decision. Her life would have been incredibly hard and utterly limited if she’d pursued this.

Were you young when you had her?

You need to park those silly thoughts and support her as her mother. She’s right. It’s just cells. And how she views this is what matters, not you.

Calm down. This is a thread of support not you barking orders!

OP is doing what any supportive parent would do, be there for her daughter. She’s allowed to have her own private thoughts.

WhatInFreshHell · 15/08/2023 17:59

OP, you sound like such a lovely Mum. Your DD has made the best decision, and I wish you both all the best.

rainbowunicorn · 15/08/2023 18:00

Fuck sake. Read the bloody title some of you should be ashamed.
A woman has come on hear asking for a Hand hold while she supports her daughter through something that is traumatic for all concerned. She doesn't need a bunch of idiots telling her how she should feel or being baffled ir perplexed at some if the choices she is making.
She is doing what she can for her daughter while acknowledging that she also needs to be able to process what is happening. That's all she wants A HAND HOLD.
why can't people.that are not capable of doing that just stay away from threads like this.

watermeloncougar · 15/08/2023 18:01

@MoodyMom your feelings are entirely valid and I imagine many people might feel the same. If your dd went ahead with the pregnancy then by next spring you would be holding your grandchild- and you're allowed to mourn the fact you won't be alongside being the supportive mum who is recognising that your dd has made a valid decision, and from a practical perspective, probably a sensible one.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things in terms of comforting and caring. I agree with the pp that even if she feels relief in the short time, she may feel conflicted and troubled in the future so keep the lines of communication clear. It's a pity she told her younger siblings as this must feel confusing for them... excited one day, and now everything has changed. I think you'll just have to be very honest and hear them out if they're upset or questioning what's going on.

It's a horrible situation really. You're doing all you can Flowers

AngelinaFibres · 15/08/2023 18:14

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 15:46

I clearly stated in my post I know it is not about me and I am not letting on how I am feeling to her. I am also not judging her, I am just sad that she is going through this and during the week she was adamant she was continuing with the pregnancy, did start envisioning what being a Grandparent may be like. I know it is her decision and I respect and support her with her choice. I also asked for people to please be kind, which I am grateful the majority of posters have been.

You are doing s brilliant job of supporting her. My DIL lost her second baby due to an ectopic pregnancy in February. In all the rush of supporting her and my son through the surgery and their shock and grief, and looking after my beautiful first grandchild, I didn't have time to think that that baby was a grandchild I would never meet.Biologically it was a tiny bunch of cells and a burst tube and they saved my wonderful DIL. I understand absolutely what you mean about feeling sad though and I did have a cry when I was on my own when it hit me that that pregnancy would only ever be a ' what might have been'. It's okay to feel what you feel. Your feelings are separate from hers. She can think of it as cells and a medical procedure that enables her to have a good future, and children when she us older. You can privately think of it as more than cells.

Nagado · 15/08/2023 18:14

I think you’re doing everything exactly right. I helped my sister through this when she was 16. It is a sad situation, for so many different reasons, and I think it’s only natural to feel sad, as well as relief that her life will be easier and that she felt able to come to you. It’s a complicated situation. You’re going to have complicated feelings.

Keep doing exactly what you’re doing and take yourself off for a cry if you need to. You’re a good mum.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 15/08/2023 18:20

You're doing so well, for your daughter and yourself. Hand hold from me, for all of you. I hope you all come through this as well as possible. It's not the wrong decision, but it is a sad one to have to make. Thinking of you all.

whitepott · 15/08/2023 18:27

Not the same OP but my 19yo son reconnected with a former girlfriend at the start of the year, just a fling for the pair of them but she got pregnant. I didn't know any of this at the time. She had an abortion, he went with her to the clinic and had stayed in contact with her since to check on her. I was obviously very relieved they both came to that decision, and despite not being particularly maternal, a felt a tiny pang of regret over a grandchild I'll never meet. I can relate to that.