Supporting 16 year old DD through an abortion - hand hold please

[MoodyMom]

Hi everyone, my 16 year old daughter is going through a medical abortion right now. I am trying to support her, changing her pads and cleaning up the toilet but this is so hard.
I am so grateful she was able to talk to about her fears that she was pregnant, when she took the test and her feelings. We went to a NUPAS clinic yesterday for her scan and to collect the tablets and there were some young girls there alone which broke my heart.
She doesn't think of it as a baby, just cells and she says she still feels like she has made the best decision, but it's harder than she thought it would be. I come from a family that loves babies and although I would never have wanted her to be in this position, would have supported her if she had continued with the pregnancy.
I am doing my best and know this isn't about me, but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet. Also finding it traumatic seeing what is coming away. Obviously not letting on any of this to her.
Also, she had told her younger brothers she was pregnant (despite me asking her not to) during the week she was adamant she wanted to keep it. They were excited and are now really upset as we have had to tell them she is losing the baby.
Please be kind. Has anyone been in this position and what things helped your dd? It's not something I can talk to friends about in real life as my daughter doesn't want people to know and I've also not known anyone close to me go through this but just want her to come through this as best she can, although I know it will be vert difficult for her. She has a prescription for the contraceptive patch to use as well as condoms.
Thanks

What the actual? Look, regardless of your stance, pro life or pro choice, can we at least acknowledge biology? No more alive than ear wax? Does ear was have a heartbeat these days?

This is so callous.

What a disgraceful thing to say to someone obvious struggling.

I was about 28 when I had mine and I was on my own as abusive ex was just horrible so I didn't want him there. If my mum was nicer I'd have liked her there but she's difficult.

As for the comments on changing DDs pad, I can completely relate. I was in hospital for my termination and was in a room on my own, they'd given me one of those small cardboard things that I think is usually for people to throw up in? Anyway the nurse said to try get it in that when it comes out (possibly for testing/experiments/who knows) but I'm glad she did because I would have felt awful about flushing it away (I get that might seem ridiculous to some). When I went to the bathroom and it came out I heard a thud on the cardboard and it was weightier than I expected, it just shocked me and put me into a panic so I rang the emergency cord for someone to come take it away ASAP so that I didn't have to look at it (I felt it would be easier especially as I wasn't expecting it to feel so big - 7weeks). The nurse was fucked off with me for pulling the cord but I don't care, I'm glad I did what I needed at the time to make it easier for myself and that I don't have the image ingrained in my brain forever. Your DD is clearly doing the same thing, trying to put some distance between herself and the termination and you helping her do that is actually a kindness imo.

I had a wobble a couple of weeks after the pregnancy, got VERY drunk one night and had a bit of a breakdown that lasted a weekend but I've been fine since and I know I made the right choice for me. I don't know the anniversary of the date I had it or the due date of that pregnancy, I deliberately didn't remember those dates because I don't want a constant reminder of something that never really was.

I'm sorry you're both going through this but hopefully things will get easier in time 💐

The percentage of fertilised eggs that result in a baby is irrelevant. It's knowing that without taking actions to end the pregnancy, there very well could be a child which makes this a huge decision and it's not helpful to minimise it. Even if the daughter feels relief now, she may experience different emotions further down the line, particularly if she has children later.

I know myself that when I thought I might be pregnant when I was at university, I'd planned in my head to terminate and it seemed a no brainer to me. As it turned out, I wasn't pregnant. Over a decade later, I again thought I'd accidentally fallen pregnant when my first baby was 16 weeks old. I was already back at work (this was years ago so short mat leave) and frankly another baby at this stage would have been disastrous from a practical perspective. However, sitting there with my 4 month ds in my arms I just knew that no way could I terminate. Fortunately it was a false alarm, but knowing what it was like to have a child completely shifted my view. So @MoodyMom please be prepared to continue being the supportive mum you are if your dd feels different emotions further down the line. You can't change anything; it's a very sad situation and all you can do is continue being there, but you sound like you're doing everything possible

A relatively low percentage of fertilized eggs ever make it the whole way. They aren't human beings! At eight weeks they are merely the byproduct of a bodily function, no more alive than ear wax.

At 8 weeks gestation it certainly is not a byproduct of a bodily function. At 8 weeks there would have been a heart beat so not like ear wax at all but if it makes you feel better to think that way then fine but let's be honest here and acknowledge what a fetus of that gestation is really like

Might it be possible for some posters to read the room? And then slink off as best they can with their foot in their mouth?

Er well not sure what you've been reading (or smoking) but that entirely untrue. My twins heartbeats were seen at 6 weeks

OP you sound like a wonderful supportive mum and I'm sure your daughter will be appreciating all your love and support.

I agree that your feelings need to be kept in your own head which it also sounds as if you are doing. But, as a message to the women calling it 'nothing but cells', a secretion, nothing more than a bodily function please please please realise your words are being read by women enduring and who have endured miscarriages, where they are/were losing their much longer for babies and could probably do without you wording things so crassly.

@usererror99 - did you see here I suggested reading the room? You're welcome to start your own thread.

@dikwad with the greatest of respect, I suspect most women in those circumstances might sensibly avoid a thread about abortion.

THIS⬆️

Well, no because incidentally women who miscarry are not limited to one topic and we can also be pro-choice while suffering loss. You can also advise women without having to hammer home the message but belittling other womens losses as nothing more than a jumble of cells. In other words, be respectful with words.

I've been close to people (and am still close) who chose both paths. Abortion at 16, best decision made and had a baby at 16, best decision made.
You can only do what is best for you and your family.
You sound like you're being great and supportive, you are entitled to feel differently but as long as you keep your daughter as the priority you're on the right path - sounds like you are. Xx

Two years ago I fell pregnant through carelessness of me and DH. We have two DCs already and have always been clear that a third was out of the question. We were also both very clear immediately that I would have an abortion - although I suspect DH would have, reluctantly, agreed had I said no. A few days after I found out I was pregnant I miscarried anyway. I was 6 weeks pregnant at most.

Two years on and despite being clear-eyed about the decision at the time, I still think about it at least once a week and feel incredible guilt about the decision I made, even though I didn’t actually have to go through with it. I felt numb for a week or two at least after I miscarried.

I'm so sorry you’re both having to go through this. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of supporting your DD and I am sure she will be hugely grateful.

It's a difficult situation for both you and your daughter. You have been very supportive. You possible are wondering if what this baby would have been like. Meanwhile your daughter is 16 and was thinking of keeping the baby.
I think when she thought about this she realised it would change her life to much and she miss out on the things other people of her age are doing. At least she knew she could talk to you and that you were not going to push her in to keeping a baby or having an abortion.

At 16 she made the right decision for her and you. A lot of young relationships end with a positive pregnancy test or shortly after a baby arrives. A new baby can test out the strongest relationships and it harder when you young and lack the maturity of some one older.

You have done the right thing for your daughter and in time you both will see this. I would get some counselling for your daughter after this to help her.

As for some of the posters here this lady is dealing with a hard situation and she does not need people to come along and be nasty. She is able to say things here that she may not feel like telling people in real life. You need to remember some people are trying to do their best in a very hard situation.

No experience but I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum. I am sorry you're both going through this and I wish you strength to get through this difficult time.
Sending hugs.

💐💐For all the posters here who have had to go through terminations alone,and have shared their experience, especially@WantingToEducate.
OP,you sound like a lovely Mum and your DD is lucky to have you. Just don't forget to look after yourself as well as your DD.

Thank god we live in a country where a young woman who has made a mistake can access free medical support in a situation like this. For all the UK bashing threads, we should be grateful for so much.

No advice but i think you both have a great relationship m. all the best to her x

I am an IVF Mum who had a rough ride and I still feel this way.

@MoodyMom all the best with the current situation, one day at a time.

Hey @MoodyMom, sorry you’re both going through this. Just to give a perspective, I was a little older than your daughter when I had an abortion. I was “fine”, had the procedure, came out and everyone was crying but I was okay. It was just cells. Carried on with life and had a breakdown some years later. Turned out it had really fucking messed me up but I was just in a state of shock.

if there is an option Of counselling try and encourage her to take it. Even if she doesn’t want to, talking through various feelings she may not be properly processing will help her. You’re being a fantastic mum, I appreciate this must be hard for you. Xxx

Stop. This isn’t the right place for this.

What a shitty comment. Take it elsewhere, can’t you see the OP is already finding it tough without this?

Solidarity hug @lastminutewednesday my mum dropped me off & went away with her boyfriend for the weekend.
My awful boyfriend was meant to look after me afterwards but decided not to, so I was on my own for two days. Then when I was feeling low a few days later she invited a couple of my friends round to cheer me up. The friends she invited were Catholic, so I couldn't explain why I was in bed feeling like shite

OP I was also 16. I have never regretted that abortion, although I have always regretted getting pregnant in the first place.

Continuing that pregnancy would have tied me to a very damaging coercively controlling relationship too, so access to safe abortion helped me eventually escape that.

You sound like a brilliant mum - those that have never been in your shoes have absolutely no right to tell you what you should and shouldn't say or feel. It's obvious that OP is here to get her own thoughts out whilst she helps her DD deal with this.

I've been in your position and it's very difficult. You have to be mum, best friend, and nurse all in one - whilst keeping your own feelings in check.

All the very best to you and your daughter. She has made the right choice for her and you are there for her. That's what it's all about