Supporting 16 year old DD through an abortion - hand hold please

[MoodyMom]

Hi everyone, my 16 year old daughter is going through a medical abortion right now. I am trying to support her, changing her pads and cleaning up the toilet but this is so hard.
I am so grateful she was able to talk to about her fears that she was pregnant, when she took the test and her feelings. We went to a NUPAS clinic yesterday for her scan and to collect the tablets and there were some young girls there alone which broke my heart.
She doesn't think of it as a baby, just cells and she says she still feels like she has made the best decision, but it's harder than she thought it would be. I come from a family that loves babies and although I would never have wanted her to be in this position, would have supported her if she had continued with the pregnancy.
I am doing my best and know this isn't about me, but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet. Also finding it traumatic seeing what is coming away. Obviously not letting on any of this to her.
Also, she had told her younger brothers she was pregnant (despite me asking her not to) during the week she was adamant she wanted to keep it. They were excited and are now really upset as we have had to tell them she is losing the baby.
Please be kind. Has anyone been in this position and what things helped your dd? It's not something I can talk to friends about in real life as my daughter doesn't want people to know and I've also not known anyone close to me go through this but just want her to come through this as best she can, although I know it will be vert difficult for her. She has a prescription for the contraceptive patch to use as well as condoms.
Thanks

@Hibiscrubbed no need for that. I think the op knows that but she's allowed to think that fgs 😡

You sound lovely op. It’s okay to be feeling as you are, absolutely normal. You should be proud of both of you, her for being able to deal with it in such a sensible way and you for being there and supporting her despite your own feelings.

Why do you think OP has posted here? She's getting her own feelings off her chest here rather than verbalising them at home.

OP you sound like a wonderful mother. Your DD will remember how supportive you're being.

I second those who suggest paracetamol as those tablets do cause high temp. The cramping can be quite intense too.

You’re being amazing, well done? I can imagine how hard it is. Nearly 34 years ago I was that 16 year old girl sitting alone and scared and going through it myself so please know what a great mum you are that she could come to you, well done for that and big hugs because I know you’ll be hurting for all the reasons you explained. Xx

OP I wish you had been my Mum when this was happening to me. You sound lovely. Your feelings are valid.

When I was 16 I got pregnant and I had an abortion and was absolutely sure it was the right decision for me.

However, 16 is so young to be making such monumental decisions and I was so naive as to what I was actually doing.

After the abortion I felt so much relief and the weight of the problem just fell from my shoulders. I finally felt happy again and I didn’t have any negative feelings about what I’d done. Once the pregnancy had gone I felt like I could just go back to my normal life….almost like none of it had ever happened.

However, after a few months my thoughts and emotions changed as it began to dawn on me the enormity of what I had done. It had started to sink in that I’d been pregnant and I could have had a baby but that I had killed it and I just couldn’t forgive myself. It wasn’t like I regretted the abortion but for some reason I felt so angry with myself as in my eyes I’d “killed a baby” even though it was a pregnancy I hadn’t even wanted.

I went into a cycle of complete self-destruction and I completely changed. I went from being your typical “good girl” to being one was going out all the time, sneaking into night club, drinking underage, going from boy to boy and skipping college etc I was just doing everything I could to stop myself from thinking about what I’d done.

Everyone thought I was fine, and outwardly I acted like I was fine, but the reality was that I used to sit opposite my bedroom mirror and just stare at myself and think about how much I hated myself for what I had done.

Every year when it came to the anniversary date of the termination I would sit in my bedroom and cry, and when the baby’s expected due date came around I would be distraught.

This cycle of behaviour lasted a good 7-8 years and it only really stopped when I sought out counselling to help me work through my emotions.

I’m only saying this as abortions can be an incredibly emotional events even for a grown woman who knows it’s the right decision, never mind a child of 16 having to make such a big decision and emotionally understand the enormity of that choice and what it can mean long-term to live with the decision.

Just be very mindful that although your daughter feels okay now (probably feeling relieved like I had) things may possibly change when the enormity of what she’s been through starts to sink in over the coming weeks and months.

Talk to her about how some women can feel after abortions, including feelings of regret later down the line, and make sure she knows to speak to you if she ever starts feeling any kind of sadness / anger about what has happened as time passes.

I wish people around me had noticed how much I was struggling to come to terms with everything and I wish they had made the connection between my abortion and my complete change in character, but at the same time, I didn’t speak out either.

Just keep a close eye on her.

This OP.

Practically it is just cells.
And your daughter considers it just cells.
So for all intents and purposes that's it.

Do not push your view even subtly.

And to add to my previous post:

I really wish you’d been my mum when it was happening to me.

I was another one who sat alone in the clinic because my mom just dropped me off and then took my sister shopping in the next town. It was awful and I was terrified.

You sound really lovely x

I went with my Sister to get the tablets and she stayed with me and took them at home. (She was also 16) The first 24 hours Weren't pleasant, she was having contractions and also in more pain then expected. I remember getting her to kneel on the floor leaning over the bed and away her bottom side to side.. Nurses advise and it seemed to help, after the first day it got easier. Plenty of warm baths, hot water bottles and painkillers. Well done for supporting your daughter, she's lucky to have you.
Also agree with what someone else commented, probably best not to describe it as a baby. Im aware it is and I'd feel the same as you but she may need to not think of it in that way at the moment.

You sound like a lovely mum, op. What you feel is valid and I hope it’s helpful to have somewhere you can express it.

This. Please!

A relatively low percentage of fertilized eggs ever make it the whole way. They aren't human beings! At eight weeks they are merely the byproduct of a bodily function, no more alive than ear wax.

I am perplexed that you are actually changing her sanitary pads?

@WantingToEducate I am so sorry for what you went through. A girl I knew when I was a teenager went through similar self destruction.

Thanks for the replies. It breaks my heart that anyone goes through this without support, especially the support of their Mum.

My DD is lying in bed and her boyfriend is with her, trying to give them space but know that I am here if they need anything. She just wants me to hold her hand when she is sick and change her pads so she doesn't see anything at the mo. She struggles with anxiety and has self harmed in the past so we will be keeping a close eye on her and do all we can so she comes through this the best she can. Thanks again

I think the fact that you’re verbalising your feelings on a first grandchild here is fine. This is mumsnet and we’re here for you and this the place to say it when you can’t say it in real life. I think it’s understandable tbh as I’m one to dwell on things.

You’re being a brilliant mum and I think your daughter has made the best decision. Just keep looking after her and then when this bit is over make it clear you’re here if she wants to talk about it but if not, draw a line and move on.

Thank you for supporting your DD. More than 30 years ago I supported my 17 year old best friend through a termination after a condom split. She did tell her DM eventually and she did support her but it was hugely traumatic for them both.
It'll always be a part of your DD's journey and will stay with you both, but the way you handle it now will have a lasting impact. Hope she's okay.

@MoodyMom I was surprised at how I felt too. I think there's something very primitive about it, and it's perfectly fine to feel like that. Obviously, like you, I kept my feelings to myself, and focussed on my daughter, but a few days later, I felt very sad indeed. I am so lucky that I have a wonderful woman friend who poured wine and listened until
I felt better. Do be prepared to have a similar reaction-I've since heard it's not uncommon. To be honest, I think my daughter recovered more quickly than I did!

@MoodyMom I've been in exactly your position with my daughter when she was 18.

Honestly, it sounds like you're doing everything she needs you to be doing.

You obviously have a great relationship and she was able to come to you with this so she'll know you're there for her. Just take your cue from her.

I stayed in the room with my daughter at the hospital but she didn't want me actually beside her. I think there was a screen for privacy so we just talked if/when she wanted to. Afterwards I took her home and put her to bed with a hot water bottle and just did my best at caring for her in whatever way she wanted to be cared for - making her favourite comfort foods, giving her a cuddle, letting her cry or leaving her be. Mostly she just needed me to be her mum.

I'm sending you a very tight virtual hand hold. It's difficult seeing your daughter go through this and it's difficult to deal with your own emotions too.

An alternative view to the one above..

I had an abortion at 15 and a half, it was the one thing my dear mum was decisive about from the minute I told her, thank goodness!

Back in the 70s it was different, no taking the child’s point of view in to account, she was being treated for anxiety herself, she took us to see our family Dr who gave permission immediately for the abortion, my understanding at the time was my mums health was the main driver in my not continuing the pregnancy.

I never looked back tbh it was done, I carried on with my life and had 2 children 12 years later.

I have thanked my mum many a time over the years for her support and decisive action, I fear my life would have turned out very very differently if I’d had some fanciful idea of my own to go ahead with the pregnancy, like your daughter I was so very young and you sound a marvellous mum to your daughter, wishing you all the best.

OP you sound like such a lovely mum and so incredible for supporting your child through this experience.
I can only imagine how hard this will be on your daughter and yourself. Nobody makes these choices lightly so you being there by her side is the best thing you can do.
I think it's worth considering you may need supported too though. For some women they may view this as just cells, but for others it was the possibility of what laid ahead. The heart beats from around 5 weeks so you are allowed to view this as a life if that is your way of thinking. It is worth knowing too though that cognition does not develop until later on, this is partly where opinions differ on what constitutes a baby.
It may be worth looking into some counselling for you once this time has passed, in order for you to support your daughter while having your feelings validated too. You really are doing incredibly well and your daughter is doing what feels right to her with the knowledge she has. That is all any of us can do.
And I am sorry you are having to experience this, it is a loss and you are allowed to grieve for this.

I think OP has already made it clear that she is offering her daughter unconditional, sensitive support. He has come on for a hand hold and to say the things she can't say elsewhere. Her feelings are valid and understandable.

OP, I can't imagine how hard this feels for you but well done on being a good mum supporting your daughter even though it feels hard. Much love to you all.

I haven't been the mum, but I have been the daughter in that position. I had a surgical abortion and went through it on my own, not a sole knew. I wish I'd had a caring mother like you at the time OP. Just be there for her, while she may seem okay with it now there may be times it sneaks up over the next few weeks, months or even years.

At 8 weeks its not cells its a fetus, its crazy as I'm pregnant the exact same weeks and days and I'm reading about the fetuses heart beating and limbs forming. So don't dismiss OPs feelings. She's not letting her daughter know this but she is still valid in feeling how she feels

Appalling? You are very rude.
OP, even though it is primarily your daughter going through this, it affects you and everyone around her. Your feelings are very very valid.
Even objectively, a life (and the potential of life it could be) lost is sad.
More so for immediate family.
Can you chat to your dh or anyone close to also allow yourself time to procces emotions?
If not, maybe journal?
Thinking of you

One of my daughter’s had a medical abortion during the first lockdown. She was 19 and had been very careless- her own admission . Her boyfriend was not interested in going to the clinic with her so I went.
She had no idea how distressed she might feel afterwards. I did because I had had an abortion myself.

At no point did I share any of my emotions or feelings. I was just there to support her. She suffers an awful break down afterwards and became quite psychotic for a while. Of course there was very little support from anyone but me as it was lockdown and she was not allowed to visit friends.
I completely understand about the lost grandchild bit. Seeing embryo on the scanner was really hard and then sitting next to her when she took the final tablet- knowing it was terminating that life was upsetting. I kept all that to myself.
it was the right choice for her to make. Being the right choice doesn’t make it easy.
it sounds like you are doing a fabulous job supporting your daughter @MoodyMom . Perhaps be aware that she might need a lot of emotional support in the weeks and months to come.

I have had two abortions… One because I was young and not ready. The father was/is (for all I know) an aggressive, controlling creep and I have never regretted my choice. I didn’t have a supportive family and did it on my own.
The next was a harder decision. I was recovering from the birth of my twins. I haemorrhaged a lot and didn’t heal properly so I was booked in for a hysterectomy as I was so very anaemic for such a long time. My DH and I had sex once and conceived triplets. I had a two year old, twins and a DH who travelled a lot for work. No family help. We couldn’t afford it. Practicalities aside, I wasn’t well enough to carry them. I don’t regret my decision, but it was harder to make at the time. Both of my terminations were around the same time as your DD.