Teenage girls dating older guys, is this now less of an issue than in the 90s?

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When I was a teenager in the 1990s I started dating at 14 and while I mostly dated boys who were 2 -3 years older than me I did also have male friends in their 20's and even once went on a couple of dates with a man who was 20 years older than me in his mid 30's (nothing happened!). It wasn't that unusual for girls I knew at high school to be dating guys in their 20's and it was a bit of kudos to have an older guy pick you up from school in their car or works van. I come from a good home with involved parents but I also did get a good bit of freedom to do my own thing and it didn't do any damage so I still did well in my exams, went to university, got a first and got a career, marriage and family.

Perhaps I was very lucky that nothing bad happened to me but as the years have gone by I am a bit 🤔at the 20 something and 30 something guys who pursued me when I was in my mid teens. I have daughters myself now coming up to that age and I really don't like the idea of them dating boys much older than them or having to fend off the advances of adult males. I recently watched videos women in their 30's now who had a pretty traumatic time of it with drugs, mental health disorders and being sexually exploited by older men in their teens and early 20's buying into all the chat these men gave them about being so mature for their age did ring a bit of a disturbing bell for me, I have to stress I wasn't sleeping with men in their 20's or older as a teenager but I did go out with some and I did tend to date older teenage boys in general.

I do want my kids to have some freedom as I felt my freedom at that age really benefited me but at the same time I also want to protect them from those who would exploit them. I am thinking that things have changed and that it would now be seen as highly unacceptable for men in their 20's and 30's to pursue teenage girls by their friends and families? Does this sort of thing still happen or is it rarer now?

I'm hoping it's rarer now but I can relate.
I dated a guy when I was 15, he was 32. Like you I'm lucky nothing really happened other than a lot of kissing and heavy petting, but there is no way I'd be ok with this for my own daughter. To be clear my parents were not ok with it by any means, they didn't know and hit the roof when they found out.

In my case the guy would take me to secret destinations for our little meet up sessions or to cinemas or bowling alleys on the other side of the city where we didn't know anybody. I thought it was so exciting and grown up at the time- it wasn't. It was seedy and all kinds of creepy. The man passed away a couple of years ago. I found out through a mutual friend who didn't know about our relationship. I have had a hard time reconciling the person people are grieving (kind, respectful, man of the church) with the man who groomed me as a teenager.
For that reason alone I really hope it is not as common as it was in the 90s.

When I was 15 I was in a long term relationship with a 20 year old. We were together until I was 19. Most of my friends were in the same kind of relationships, no one batted an eyelid.
It seems crazy to me now!

I remember thinking it was unacceptable when I was a teen back in the late 80s/early 90s. My friends and I all thought that it was really creepy that a couple of our peers were "dating" what we regarded as pervy older men. Definitely no kudos as far as we were concerned, we thought it was disgusting. And I'm absolutely certain that there is no way on earth that my parents would have allowed an older man to exploit me or my dsis when we were just children!

I'm very sorry that some of you were exploited or abused by predatory older men, and that nobody intervened to help. You deserved to be protected.

@Inkypot Yeah my parents didn't know the half of it and I thought I could handle it all! In a way I did but I suppose I was lucky that I never ended up in a bad situation. With the guy in his 30's I dated I think the only reason nothing really happened was because the guys flatmate came home, I could hear them whisper arguing in the hall and then flatmate shouted "she's 14!" I got put in a taxi home after that! Yeah He's seen as a good guy and I kind of think he was just lonely but still no reason to go after a teenager.

@Aworldofmyown Yep, that was standard and nobody thought anything of it but it feels so wrong now looking at my own daughters and their friends.

We all dated people who were a few years older, but there was one guy who was in his late 20s who used to hang around with us and dated a few friends. I found him grim and creepy - he came into a room I was sleeping in after a party, climbed into bed and tried to get me to kiss him, not taking no for an answer until I told him to fuck off. The others all seemed to think the sun shone out of his arse but he was revolting. Ugh.

And I think it does still happen now - some men are as predatory as ever - but more people are prepared to call it out now for what it is, and parents are more proactive to step in and intervene. So it is probably only the most vulnerable girls who are victims of this kind of behaviour.

I remember 14/15 year old girls of our acquaintance who were in relationships with boys in the late teens. One had a baby at 15. A 16-19 year old with a college teacher (discovered end of term). Just some examples.

I think and hope it has become more acceptable now. I'm a mother of teenagers and I don't hear of it particularly.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I am sure some girls in my year would have thought the same but I wouldn't have cared really. Some of the guys were nice and I dated one guy of 26 when I was 15 who I think did feel bad and wouldn't ever do anything too sexual with me, we did get on and enjoy each other's company but he was just too old for me, but yeah at the time I really enjoyed some of those relationships but that isn't to say they were right.

Unacceptable obviously!

@uniband Lol I was looking at that and was like what! I hope you are right that it is less common and acceptable now.

Totally gross and inappropriate. But yes very common in the 90s. What was everyone thinking, not calling it out back then? Baffling. I hope it is a thing of the past.

It is definitely less acceptable now than it was decades ago.

Well it is interesting to hear that lots of people are saying it was common in the 90s (which is my perception) and very glad to hear it is generally thought to be less common now and yes less acceptable. At the moment I am generally more worried about what they are exposed to online but in the next few years when they are going to want a bit more freedom I worry about who they will meet out in the world.

At 14/15 in the mid 90s I dated a 21 year old and a 24 year old, at 16 a 28 year old. I thought I was super cool and grown up. I think it's super creepy now and if my 15 year old said she was going on a date with someone that age I would absolutely tell that man what a creepy weirdo he was and to stay away from my daughter or I'd go to the police! She likes a boy who has just turned 17 and I've had serious conversations with her about being careful with power imbalances, but she is a super smart girl who knows her own mind and as things stand currently I know she'd talk to me about things if he did become her boyfriend. The age difference still makes me feel a bit though and it's only 18 months. In return she teases me about the 8 year age difference between me and my partner (he's younger but we are both adults in our 30s/40s who have been married, had kids etc before we met just to be clear!)

I can't imagine what my mum was thinking to be ok with me openly dating men so much older than me.

@Boleynforsoup I do get what you mean about the 18 month age gap, it is probably fine but then at that age even a year or twos difference is more than it would be if they had the same age gap at 25 and 27 or even 17 and 19.

Yeah it is crazy how it was pretty much acceptable back then, I mean on one hand I think having freedom growing up was useful but then it does expose you to some pretty dodgy stuff and there is probably an element of luck in not getting harmed by that. Also looking back those guys who seemed so cool to me back then must have been some sad pathetic losers in the eyes of women their own age.

Attitudes were different i.didn't date anyone older than me but I know girls that did
I Remember my mum saying not to.date older boys because they would want more ie sex
Its horrible looking back and why would a man in their #20,s want to date a girl in their mid teens ?

@x2boys I think lots of girls probably did look older, I used to always wear these pretty realistic fake tattoo things and it was so easy to get into pubs and nightclubs when you were underage.

Honestly I think a lot of the men who went after me and girls like me were probably not too desirable to women their own age, some of them were really good looking but at 25 + they were still living like teenagers in many ways, long hair, heavy metal get up, motorbikes, comics etc. I wouldn't have dated a guy like that in my 20's because I'd have seen them as wasters.

On the plus side by the time I was 18 I gave up alcohol, weed, took out all my piercings, stopped colouring my hair weird colours and never got a single real tattoo even though I had really wanted lots at one point.

In my 20's I did used to look at groups of teenage girls just going round the shopping centre or at the cinema together a bit wistfully, I never really had that as a teenager. Realistically I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it much but in some ways it looked nice and cosy to me.

I remember a 15yo friend dating a 27yo but we alllllllll thought he was creepy. I remember her gleefully saying that they'll never be able to go on a 18-30s holiday together and telling us how he let her choose sexy underwear from the catalogue (wonder if it was Grattan?)
She had an awful relationship with her parents and actually ran away to live with him for a couple of years.
Awful when I think back about it.

At around 18 /19 I dated a couple of guys in their early 30's. One was a nob really, but decent to me, the other was a lovely guy who I was with for a few months and eventually I got bored with him. He was a lot more mature and stable than boys my own age. At the time it was a positive experience but looking back now I have no idea what he was thinking. We met through a hobby in common.

This was really common in the 90s

I dated a 21/22 year old on and off for a year when I was 15 . It disgusts me that I was basically groomed and I can't think too much about it tbh . I'd already slept with 4 people by then I lost my virginity at 14 although the boys were same age as me

Loads of my friends did as well . My good friend got with a 23 year old at 14 and married him at 16 straight out of school 😱

My oldest dd is 14 and she's like a little girl still. She's not into boys at all (or girls) just not interested. If some predatory 20something was pursuing her I'd kill him

In the 90s I knew one 14 yo girl who was dating an 18 yo (for 2 years) and a 16 yo with a 30yo. Don’t think it’s so common now, no.

I guess I’m older than many of you but I don’t think there has ever been a time when most people would have thought this was acceptable. I would certainly have thought there was something very wrong about a 30 year old guy dating a teenager.

If any of you are old enough to remember Bill Wyman marrying 17 year old Mandy Smith you will know there was widespread concern.

Unfortunately teenage girls are not always open to wise words and advice from concerned adults!

@TonTonMacoute Yes I remember the Mandy Smith Bill Wyman thing and I did think she was crazy as Wyman was a old man! I also used to read loads of rock biographies from the 60s and 70s and read about all the groupies bands like Led Zeppelin had who were often underage and I thought these girls were very cool and wished I could have been living in LA to meet these bands, I used to be like Oh I'm so sad that I'm too young for Jimmy Page to fall in love with me when I was probably the perfect age for that creep! I think I read recently that some of those groupies from the 70s had only just recently in the wake of me too started to reassess their relationships with these older musicians.

I agree! I think it was more common back in the day, but I don't think it was ever widely viewed as "acceptable", even back then!