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Original poster

Teenage girls dating older guys, is this now less of an issue than in the 90s?

113 replies

brassbuttons · 12/08/2023 15:20

When I was a teenager in the 1990s I started dating at 14 and while I mostly dated boys who were 2 -3 years older than me I did also have male friends in their 20's and even once went on a couple of dates with a man who was 20 years older than me in his mid 30's (nothing happened!). It wasn't that unusual for girls I knew at high school to be dating guys in their 20's and it was a bit of kudos to have an older guy pick you up from school in their car or works van. I come from a good home with involved parents but I also did get a good bit of freedom to do my own thing and it didn't do any damage so I still did well in my exams, went to university, got a first and got a career, marriage and family.

Perhaps I was very lucky that nothing bad happened to me but as the years have gone by I am a bit 🤔at the 20 something and 30 something guys who pursued me when I was in my mid teens. I have daughters myself now coming up to that age and I really don't like the idea of them dating boys much older than them or having to fend off the advances of adult males. I recently watched videos women in their 30's now who had a pretty traumatic time of it with drugs, mental health disorders and being sexually exploited by older men in their teens and early 20's buying into all the chat these men gave them about being so mature for their age did ring a bit of a disturbing bell for me, I have to stress I wasn't sleeping with men in their 20's or older as a teenager but I did go out with some and I did tend to date older teenage boys in general.

I do want my kids to have some freedom as I felt my freedom at that age really benefited me but at the same time I also want to protect them from those who would exploit them. I am thinking that things have changed and that it would now be seen as highly unacceptable for men in their 20's and 30's to pursue teenage girls by their friends and families? Does this sort of thing still happen or is it rarer now?

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 12/08/2023 22:21

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 22:00

I can't help but wonder where all of the parents were in these situations. I get that people are saying that they lied to their parents but how did the parents not cotton on? I am not sure that I could have hidden stuff like that from my mum and dad if I had tried - they always knew where I was, who I was with etc. Often came to pick me up, were friendly with my friends' parents etc.

Were my parents just unusually diligent for their era in making sure that I was safe?

My mum worked long hours and my dad worked abroad. I was a top set high achiever who never spoke back to my mum or anything so when I told my mum I was going to a friends house she generally believed me. I didn't have a phone so there was no way of keeping tabs. I was pretty much independent from age 12, making my own dinners, sorting my own school stuff etc. if we got a lift to McDonald's with an older guy in a car, my mum was busy at work and I was back before she finished so there was no way of her knowing.

Inkypot · 12/08/2023 22:24

@CrazyArmadilloLady It's hard to say I think. I was a Gen Z kid. I remember lots of songs like "When I kissed the teacher", "Go Away Little Girl", "Young Girl", "Does Your Mother Know", "You're 16, you're beautiful and you're mine" etc etc.
There were also movies that intentionally or unintentionally glamourised the idea of an older guy with a younger girl. It really was quite present and very accepted in pop culture when we look back. Which is of course horrific.
While yes my parents were furious and very upset when they found out about the man in my situation, I can also understand why many girls like myself didn't really see it as such a terrible thing.
I am very, very grateful that my mum and dad handled it well when they found out. They protected me and made damn sure he didn't come anywhere near me again the rest of his life. I was very lucky it didn't go any further really.

Nomorebollocks · 12/08/2023 22:31

I grew up in the 80’s.

where did you all meet these older men?

I remember at school I just didn’t know anyone much older than me tbh. Once I started going out drinking at 16/17 we mostly met other teens tbh, bar the odd bouncer / sad adult in the local pub

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uniband · 12/08/2023 22:39

It's hard to say I think. I was a Gen Z kid. I remember lots of songs like "When I kissed the teacher", "Go Away Little Girl", "Young Girl", "Does Your Mother Know", "You're 16, you're beautiful and you're mine" etc etc.
There were also movies that intentionally or unintentionally glamourised the idea of an older guy with a younger girl. It really was quite present and very accepted in pop culture when we look back. Which is of course horrific.

This is definitely true. It was normalised, the male leads with much younger women/girls. I'm glad things have changed, or are changing, in that regard.

Oblomov23 · 12/08/2023 22:41

Doesn't sit well with me, now or then. A couple of years fine, any more than that, no. Bigger age gaps when older is not an issue, but when very young it's an issue.

Cocopogo · 12/08/2023 22:48

I was 14 and he was late 20s. Came from a good home and my parents were horrified when they found out. Drove me in to town, I thought I was getting a nice treat and then we walked past the police station in town and they tried to drag me in.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 12/08/2023 22:49

😲 Fair play to them, @Cocopogo! What was the outcome?

CountryStore · 12/08/2023 22:55

There were a few girls at school who were seeing (imo) really unattractive, fat, balding, 30 something year old men called Les or Tony etc. I could never see the attraction, personally 🤔

idiotmagnet · 12/08/2023 23:05

I was dating a man in his late 30's when I had just turned 16. I'm sure he was just waiting for me to be legal.
My parents knew and never said a thing, which I found really confusing at the time, and which led me to believe it must be ok.
It's had a hugely negative impact on my life and on my ability to form healthy relationships.
As soon as my daughter hit her mid teens I found myself really struggling with it.
I found the book My Dark Vanessa really useful in helping me work through wtf happened.
I do think it's less common now, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, quite frankly.

idiotmagnet · 12/08/2023 23:17

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 22:00

I can't help but wonder where all of the parents were in these situations. I get that people are saying that they lied to their parents but how did the parents not cotton on? I am not sure that I could have hidden stuff like that from my mum and dad if I had tried - they always knew where I was, who I was with etc. Often came to pick me up, were friendly with my friends' parents etc.

Were my parents just unusually diligent for their era in making sure that I was safe?

My parents knew. I have asked them recently why they let it happen, and my dad sort of shrugged and said 'what, do you think I should have stopped it?' - erm... yes!!!
I don't understand, and probably never will.

Jamtartforme · 12/08/2023 23:20

I was a teen in the early 2000s and most girls dated somebody within a year, or 2 maximum, of their own age. There were a few older boys/men (late teens, early 20s) that tried to hang around with us a bit but they were regarded as weird and only useful for when we needed alcohol buying from shops.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 23:45

Inkypot · 12/08/2023 22:06

I didn't outright lie to my parents, that's why they didn't know for a couple of months.
I'd tell them we were going as the youth group to the cinema and that we were getting a lift from the guy (who if you read my post you'll realise was not on anyone's radar as being a risk) So they would check with him that we were going where I said we were going and he would back up whatever I'd said. Nobody would have questioned it tbh because it was all very plausible.
When I was a little older and going out to clubs etc my parents would drive me there and collect me, right in to my 20s! So they were definitely very present and very caring. But if a child is being groomed believe me the person grooming them can be incredibly adept at avoiding any suspicion.

Show quote history

I'm sorry that happened to you @Inkypot. And to others on this thread.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 23:50

idiotmagnet · 12/08/2023 23:17

My parents knew. I have asked them recently why they let it happen, and my dad sort of shrugged and said 'what, do you think I should have stopped it?' - erm... yes!!!
I don't understand, and probably never will.

Show quote history

I'm sorry that they didn't protect you @idiotmagnet, whatever the reason for that was. You were a child and you deserved better... the adults around you should have kept you safe.

Inkypot · 12/08/2023 23:55

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Thank you. Truly. That means more to me than you may know, and it feels incredibly kind to have my feelings validated 💗💗💗

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/08/2023 23:57

Inkypot · 12/08/2023 23:55

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Thank you. Truly. That means more to me than you may know, and it feels incredibly kind to have my feelings validated 💗💗💗

Flowers@Inkypot

Mercibuckets · 13/08/2023 07:53

I was a teen through the 90s. An 18 year old boyfriend might have been cool when you were 15 for some girls. But I definitely remember people discussing how creepy and inadequate someone would have to be to be with a schoolgirl and the small girls being judged by their peers for that (girls and boys). I’m not saying that’s right btw but wanted to share that it wasn’t universally viewed as acceptable or with kudos.

I can also remember at in the second year of university one of my friends dating a girl from the 6th form college and being mercilessly lampooned.

It definitely would not have been ok for any parents or adults I knew and someone late teens or 20+ chasing young girls. They would have been treated like a sex offender, reported to the police or beaten up.

wizzywig · 13/08/2023 10:39

Kids are groomable aren't they? Look at county lines. I hope you're OK op

1dayatatime · 13/08/2023 12:41

@Mercibuckets

This was exactly the same as my recollection from the late 80s so I don't really think it has changed that much.

Cocopogo · 13/08/2023 23:27

@CrazyArmadilloLady two police officers came to my house and spoke to me but being the 90s they were useless. They didn’t do anything.
My parents were at their wits end. I feel so awful for them and it couldn’t be further from how I was as an adult.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 13/08/2023 23:40

They must’ve been desperate @Cocopogo

You live and learn though, right?

WheresTheRemoteControl · 13/08/2023 23:46

In 1999 i just left school and was with a 26 year old. Lived with him etc for couple of years.
After that I was with someone 16 years older than me. Had ds together 8 years before seperating.
I always thought older men will be more mature etc.

Dh is younger than me. And by far more mature and down to earth than both of the above.

My parents hated the 1st 2 relationship but i wouldn't listen. Yet I was never rebellious or anything in other ways. Was a good teen, never did anything i shouldn't etc. Maybe that was my rebellious part?

QueenofLouisiana · 13/08/2023 23:57

I was (just) 16 when I started seeing a 24 year old. We were together for 5 years, but I outgrew the relationship. He was still living at home at 27, I’d been through uni and really couldn’t see myself going back to my parents if I could possibly help it. I guess that says a lot!

On reflection, as I now have DS18, he was just very immature. He didn’t like the way I grew and changed- as one should do between sitting your GCSEs and finishing a degree! His mates made some pretty sleazy comments and clearly they thought it was as hot as hell to be sleeping with a schoolgirl when she came home to do her homework…I wonder if they would feel the same if it were the daughters they now have?

DS and his mates ripped the piss out of someone in yr13 who started dating a yr11 who was still 15. That was considered very odd and verging on paedo-style behaviour. Thank heavens times have changed.

Defaultsettings · 13/08/2023 23:59

I’m 50 so remember this being the norm in late 80’s early 90’s for the fashionable girls. But I was a goth/grunge/ indie kid so we just hung out with kids our own age.

I think a big difference is that drinking in pubs was the norm then. 13 year olds had no problem being served alcohol so we could frequently mix with much older men. it was easy to meet older men that was. Nowadays showing ID is the norm.

Inkypot · 14/08/2023 00:30

Defaultsettings · 13/08/2023 23:59

I’m 50 so remember this being the norm in late 80’s early 90’s for the fashionable girls. But I was a goth/grunge/ indie kid so we just hung out with kids our own age.

I think a big difference is that drinking in pubs was the norm then. 13 year olds had no problem being served alcohol so we could frequently mix with much older men. it was easy to meet older men that was. Nowadays showing ID is the norm.

I was also a goth/grunge/indie kid too. It didn't stop me being groomed and swayed by an adult man who should've known better.

GLmum · 14/08/2023 00:57

When I was at my 11-16 school, all the trendy girls dated boys with cars. They used to pick them up in their boy racer cars at lunch and after school. No one ever batted an eyelid or said anything, not even the teachers, This was early 90s.

A few months back, I gave the example of a college student (16-19) dating someone still at school (11-16) as an example in a lesson and the students were very vocal that anyone who does this would be "a paedo"

Of course it still happens, but attitudes have changed I think.