Teenage girls dating older guys, is this now less of an issue than in the 90s?

[brassbuttons]

When I was a teenager in the 1990s I started dating at 14 and while I mostly dated boys who were 2 -3 years older than me I did also have male friends in their 20's and even once went on a couple of dates with a man who was 20 years older than me in his mid 30's (nothing happened!). It wasn't that unusual for girls I knew at high school to be dating guys in their 20's and it was a bit of kudos to have an older guy pick you up from school in their car or works van. I come from a good home with involved parents but I also did get a good bit of freedom to do my own thing and it didn't do any damage so I still did well in my exams, went to university, got a first and got a career, marriage and family.

Perhaps I was very lucky that nothing bad happened to me but as the years have gone by I am a bit 🤔at the 20 something and 30 something guys who pursued me when I was in my mid teens. I have daughters myself now coming up to that age and I really don't like the idea of them dating boys much older than them or having to fend off the advances of adult males. I recently watched videos women in their 30's now who had a pretty traumatic time of it with drugs, mental health disorders and being sexually exploited by older men in their teens and early 20's buying into all the chat these men gave them about being so mature for their age did ring a bit of a disturbing bell for me, I have to stress I wasn't sleeping with men in their 20's or older as a teenager but I did go out with some and I did tend to date older teenage boys in general.

I do want my kids to have some freedom as I felt my freedom at that age really benefited me but at the same time I also want to protect them from those who would exploit them. I am thinking that things have changed and that it would now be seen as highly unacceptable for men in their 20's and 30's to pursue teenage girls by their friends and families? Does this sort of thing still happen or is it rarer now?

I was reading about this and a lot of it happens "online" now so girls talk to and engage with older men on sites like reddit rather than from hanging about in bars. So possible that there is less physical contact but more photos being shared. Also much easier to hide from even the strictest parents.

I think in the 90s we thought of 16 as an adult as you could leave school and get a job then. 16 year olds were also in page 3 on the sun!

Now even though 16 is legal age of consent we see 18 as an adult

Actually I think this is very true that it happens more online. I think I must have been on the cusp of that - we were always on the Yahoo adult chat rooms trolling the pervs aged 13 or so!! Would have been around 2001-2003. Didn't send any photos, but we used to think it was hilarious and we would write all sorts of nonsense. Later my friend whose house we used to do this at did end up with a 25 year old internet boyfriend at 15, and he was counting down to her being 16 etc 😬 they met up in person as well. I think she actually went and did the adult chat room thing a bit more often and a bit less piss-taking than we did it. He didn't end up being a controlling nutter (luckily) and they remained friends, but it's weird all the same - we thought it was a bit creepy honestly. I remember being really surprised that her mum didn't mind him being around but I think he was nice to her, and that's all her mum cared about.

There were "boys" that I flirted with online more long term as well, who could have been older than they were saying. I didn't meet up with them, but I considered it a couple of times.

This is interesting and something I’ve given lots of thought to as my children enter their teens years. It was v much the norm when I was growing up (the80’s) for girls of 14/15 to go out with young adult men. Often collected by them from school in their cars etc
I’m delighted that this is a big no go at my children’s high school now. The kids police it themselves and anyone going out with someone from a different year group is immediately called a ‘nonce.’
Possibly slightly harsh language but also quite effective. The kids frown upon it and the threat of getting grief from your peers seems to be a deterrent.
it rarely happens - which means the girls have little interaction with older boys and are far less likely to be exposed to any risks they might pose.
of course there are a million other things to worry about.. but this doesn’t seem to be one!

A friend of mine was "in a relationship" with her dad's friend while we were still at school. People knew and nothing was done. I guess because she was 16 and so it was not illegal even if it was creepy. Another girl got involved with a youth leader inappropriately on an overseas trip. Again she was legally old enough but it was obviously wrong. He didn't lose his job as such but went to work elsewhere away from her. His wife kicked him out though 👍🏻

@ErnestCelendine wow, my mum's approach was totally the opposite. She wouldn't allow me to have a boyfriend until I left school - she thought I was too young and should focus on studies and family.

It seems today it's more celebrities dating half their age's etc.

I came from a very comfortable background but my first long term boyfriend when I was 19 was 33!

He also turned out to have a heroin habit!

We lasted two years and I never touched drugs in that time. Eventually I moved on and had a succession of more suitable partners before marrying and having children with my now DH.

But looking back, he was probably the best thing to happen to me at the time. He adored me and gave me my self-esteem back, enabling me to springboard into adult life. I'd love to be able to tell him that if I ever bumped into him again.

I got told off for being in the car if a 17yo when I was 14. There were others there as well and I was not dating anyone.

My parents saw the danger and put a stop to it. I'm glad, now, that they were looking out for me.

Would I let my DD go the same? Id be worried he would show off and have a crash as well as worrying about the sex side of things. I hope I could be more open with DD about the dangers and then let (yikes) trust her judgement!

When i was 14/15 my boyfriend was 5 years older. This was the 90s

My parents were petrified! They tried their best to be cool but advised me to be cautious

He was manipulative, controlling and I wonder if he was potentially abusive . We lasted about a year

I eventually saw through his behavioural issues and we separated and i have always been hyper aware of controlling behaviour in men ever since

Yep that's how it was in my school. I started dating my first boyfriend a few months before my 16th birthday, he was 19. I went out with him for three years and dumped in first term of uni, when I felt like I'd outgrown him! I also remember snogging a 26-year-old divorced bloke once when I was 16 and on holiday in Majorca, I had to spend the rest of the holiday dodging him. IIt didn't feel creepy at the time, but in hindsight I wouldn't be happy with a daughter of mine doing any of it!

@SheerLucks Oh briefly I knew a guy who was a heroin addict who had a much younger girlfriend in Edinburgh, I met her and she was so lovely, very middle class and innocent but going out with this guy who had been in and out of drugs was really edgy and in various bands and was now an artist. It seemed like a total mismatch like she was the last girl he'd go for and vice versa but he absolutely adored her. I don't know if they are still together now but your story remined me a lot of them!

I hope it isn't common now. I also went through this in my teens. Boys my age were so immature compared to the men with cars and a wage etc. I was going out clubbing at 15, getting drunk. There was no way I looked 18 but we were allowed in all the bars and clubs, hooking up with men every weekend.
I ended up in various sticky situations as well as an abusive relationship from 15 until I was 20. My mum didn't do anything, she was too poorly with her mental health and I wasn't in contact with my dad. I got out but ended up in a further two abusive relationships. I could have been guided better but those were the hands I was dealt.
I have a teen boy who is 15. A girl in the year below him has asked him out and he said yes. We've had a chat about the age difference which might not seem vast to him, but I reiterated that he turns 16 next year, while she will only be 14 or 15 and I have said he needs to be careful. A huge amount of girls in the same year as her are going out with boys in the year above. I did the same at the same age. I suppose the girls think the older boys are so much more mature.