Teenage girls dating older guys, is this now less of an issue than in the 90s?

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When I was a teenager in the 1990s I started dating at 14 and while I mostly dated boys who were 2 -3 years older than me I did also have male friends in their 20's and even once went on a couple of dates with a man who was 20 years older than me in his mid 30's (nothing happened!). It wasn't that unusual for girls I knew at high school to be dating guys in their 20's and it was a bit of kudos to have an older guy pick you up from school in their car or works van. I come from a good home with involved parents but I also did get a good bit of freedom to do my own thing and it didn't do any damage so I still did well in my exams, went to university, got a first and got a career, marriage and family.

Perhaps I was very lucky that nothing bad happened to me but as the years have gone by I am a bit 🤔at the 20 something and 30 something guys who pursued me when I was in my mid teens. I have daughters myself now coming up to that age and I really don't like the idea of them dating boys much older than them or having to fend off the advances of adult males. I recently watched videos women in their 30's now who had a pretty traumatic time of it with drugs, mental health disorders and being sexually exploited by older men in their teens and early 20's buying into all the chat these men gave them about being so mature for their age did ring a bit of a disturbing bell for me, I have to stress I wasn't sleeping with men in their 20's or older as a teenager but I did go out with some and I did tend to date older teenage boys in general.

I do want my kids to have some freedom as I felt my freedom at that age really benefited me but at the same time I also want to protect them from those who would exploit them. I am thinking that things have changed and that it would now be seen as highly unacceptable for men in their 20's and 30's to pursue teenage girls by their friends and families? Does this sort of thing still happen or is it rarer now?

This is the plot of the true story An Education by Lynn Barber isn't it. That's set in 1961 when she was 16. Got groomed by a much older man, parents encouraged it, almost missed going to Oxford because of him. Luckily found out he was already married before it was too late. The film has Carey Mulligan as the lead.

So I guess it's gone on throughout the years!

It wasn't seen as grooming, the girls were seen as being active participants, they were seen as "easy" and it was seen as a moral failure. So parents were more likely to be angry at their daughter for misbehaving than angry at the man for exploiting a child

I think people have more awareness today and wouldn't see it the same way. My 14yo DS has always had an awareness of things being "creepy" in relationship terms in a way that surprised me honestly. I think people talk about this kind of thing now and have more of a sense that it's not ok. I'm sure that it still goes on. But not as much.

I think OP that it is less of an issue, though wherever it occurs it is wrong.

In the mid 80s, when I was 17, I dated a 28 year old man. Even then, I must have known it was wrong as I lied to my parents about it.

I was very much out of my depth and missed the now very obvious signs that he was violent. And what I did see, I didn't have the confidence or self-worth to respond to and walk away from.

There's a huge gulf in life, experience, maturity etc at those ages and I don't think that will be much different now. I hope these teen girl/older man relationships are not a common thing nowadays.

Honestly, what do you hope to get from that post? A thumbs up, pat on the back, a aren't you wonderful? Seeing now as a parent is different to how I felt as a child.

I dated a teacher in the 90's, I was his pupil, the concern was for his career not my wellbeing. All my friends 14+ had boyfriends that could drive, that was always our first question, do you have a car? Middle class, high achieving Grammar, parents who tried to be involved and cared.

“The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there,”

I remember there being a rule that went around our school (00s) about age gaps - half your age plus five, or half your age plus seven. Any bigger gap considered creepy.

That means that a 16yo boy could date a 13yo, a 20 year old a 15yo or a 24yo a 17yo! Still pretty dicey IMO. (The plus seven formula makes more sense - 16/15, 20/17, 24/19)

At 14 my boyfriend was 19. It was totally the thing to have an older boyfriend with a car, that would take you to the pub and buy you flowers and dinner on special occasions.

We went out for several months and things got more and more serious. I put the brakes on hard when he, very politely, requested a blow job. Even in my precocious teen brain that was a step too far.

Six months later I was happily losing my virginity with my next boyfriend.

To the present. I have teens and would be super uncomfortable about them knowing about my own teen years. Total hypocritical I know, but the 80's were a long time ago.

What do they say? Every generation wants to next to do it better than they did. My twenty something godchildren certainly had a less all in teenhood, and that seems to be extending into the next draft of teens I know.

If my 14 year old came home with a 18+ boyfriend, id threaten to chop his bollocks off and have him prosecuted. That's just me 😂 my opinion is, what does grown man want with a child?? Weird and gross.

Back in the late 80s I also remember my friends and I thinking it was a bit grim for girls of our year to be dating 18-20 year old boys who would pick them up from school in their cars.

Our main point was that there must be something with those boys that they can't date girls of their own age and have to chase after 15 year olds.

I don't think it is any more or less common. It's just that some girls figure out earlier that it's not flattering or impressive to be dating a boy much older, it's just grim and predatory boys who are incapable of dating girls their own age - a few years difference is more relevant the younger you are.

Sadly some girls/ women don't ever figure this out.

@AvidMerrian well I can't speak for everyone but in my case the man was the person in charge of a youth group I attended. He was incredibly well respected in the town and nobody thought it out of the ordinary for him to give some of the children a lift home afterwards.
It is also important to realise when he took me bowling or to the cinema I was telling my parents I was going with my friends. This wasn't untrue. It's just that when we got there I'd meet him.
My parents were very much around, they just couldn't have known that's what was happening. They found out when a friend told on me. My dad went straight to the man's door and gave him absolute hell for it, and obviously I stopped attending the youth group.
Worth being a bit less quick to leap to judgements, it isn't always black and white even if it might seem like it should be.

Times have changed though and I do think its a good thingt, I left school.in 1990,and whilst I did go to .college alot of my classmates didn't some had YTS schemes and so.e worked from 16 so potentially a girl/ boy 16+would be working with people much older than them and maybe seen as an equal.
I agree its not right but things were different when I was younger

I went to a single sex school, so had a blissfully dull teenagehood, mostly based on hanging out with my good friends, in the late 80s and early 90s.

20-something men weren’t on my radar. I did have a couple of dates / boyfriends along the way. They were my age, with the exception of one friend of a friend, who was 19 when I was 15 and from out of town. We hung out a couple of times, but it soon dawned on me that, frankly, I could do better.

In my circle of girlfriends, there was one highly dodgy situation when we were 17. One of our circle (absolutely lovely girl), had a friend who was a neighbour. He was in his 40s, if not 50s. He was always lurking around - utterly grim, and I have no idea if anything untoward was going on, but he gave me the absolutely creeps. None of us talked about it. But I look back with adult eyes, I find it even more insidious than I did then.

I don’t think all teens in that era were dating older guys, or thought that was ‘normal’.

And I think most parents from that era would be as appalled as we would be today at the thought of children (let’s be honest) dating / seeing / having sex with predatory (let’s be honest) men.

if you could take 14 year old you out for a coffee what would you say that would get her to consider things more widely?

This is very similar to my experience. Most people definitely did not think it was normal, even fewer that it was enviable

This reminds me of Rita sue and bob too. A classic film..I remember laughing but watching it recently made me uncomfortable...

Its an uncomfortable fim.looking at it from today's eyes but it wss actually based on the true life experiences of its writer
Who didn't have a great life and sadly died at the age of 29
Her children also.didn't have great.lives one was a heroin addict whose toddler died of a methadone overdoses and another seems to have had a better life but died in her thirties from cancer very sad .

I can relate. I remember guys in their mid to late 20's picking us up at age 14 in cars. One of my friends would give him 'favours' in return for lifts.
I also used to get more wolf whistles from builders when I was 11/12 then when I was in my 20's.
I look back now though and realise those men who'd pick us up, wolf whistle etc we're all pedophiles, and lowlifes. They weren't normal or decent men. Those men still exist but I've really drummed it into my daughters to watch out for them, and thankfully none of them are impressed by those types of men and I think girls are generally more aware of this and really now it's only the most vulnerable girls in society that are drawn to these men.

I do believe it's less common now because people are prepared to call it out.
I lost my virginity to an 18 year old boyfriend when I was 14, dated a 20yo at 16 and 24yo at 17. My friends were the same, and my friend had a 4 year relationship with a guy that started when she was 16 and he was 27. It all seemed very normal at the time and no one, including our parents batted an eyelid! If it was my daughter I'd go mental.

I can't help but wonder where all of the parents were in these situations. I get that people are saying that they lied to their parents but how did the parents not cotton on? I am not sure that I could have hidden stuff like that from my mum and dad if I had tried - they always knew where I was, who I was with etc. Often came to pick me up, were friendly with my friends' parents etc.

Were my parents just unusually diligent for their era in making sure that I was safe?

I also think the kids who are doing the so-called ‘cool’ / grown-up things, assume everyone thinks like them. E.g. they think everyone thinks being picked up by an older guy in a car has ‘kudos’.

But not everyone does think that carries any sort of cachet.

That sort of thing can be viewed by others through a range of emotions, from yes, envy, through to pity or bemused amusement.

As mentioned above, lots of young girls / women fully recognise from the outset that men who target much younger partners are a bit (to put it kindly) lacking.

My parents were the same as yours, but maybe we’re the weird ones…

I didn't outright lie to my parents, that's why they didn't know for a couple of months.
I'd tell them we were going as the youth group to the cinema and that we were getting a lift from the guy (who if you read my post you'll realise was not on anyone's radar as being a risk) So they would check with him that we were going where I said we were going and he would back up whatever I'd said. Nobody would have questioned it tbh because it was all very plausible.
When I was a little older and going out to clubs etc my parents would drive me there and collect me, right in to my 20s! So they were definitely very present and very caring. But if a child is being groomed believe me the person grooming them can be incredibly adept at avoiding any suspicion.

A girl I knew at school starting "dating" a man in his late forties, she was 15. At 16 her mother gave permission and they married, she had a few kids and eventually divorced. I often wonder what was her mother thinking.

He was definitely prison worthy not marriage worthy!

@CrazyArmadilloLady and no you're not the weird ones, nobody is being weird really. You are coming off a little judgy though, seemingly placing blame entirely on parents/kids rather than the predators themselves.
If you've bothered to read my replies to others on this thread I'd hope you'd be a little less harsh. Though again I may be reading you wrong in which case apologies.

Maybe I am coming off a little judgy - I haven’t closely read every single post on this thread.

But the OP is asking about people’s experiences of being a teen when I was a teen - and dating older men absolutely wasn’t my / our norm. Our (my generation and my parents’ generation) view is that it was as questionable then as it is now.

And I’m sure we weren’t that unusual.