Things your parents didn't believe in

[Aspergallus]

Inspired by the Timotei thread where someone mentioned that their mum didn't believe in hair conditioner, I realised there is actually quite a long list of things my parents didn't believe in that still leave me, at nearly 50 with DC of my own, feeling like I'm being ridiculously extra for doing every day things:

Hair conditioner as above -deemed totally unnecessary, not a real thing, and drain blocking by my parents. I had long, dry curly hair...

Vitamins -I bought my own as a teen as I thought it might help with acne. They behaved like I was shooting up H.

Make up. My mum believed that all make up (but particularly foundation) was the cause of all skin aging and would tell me (when I was wearing it to hide teenage acne) that once I was 40 I would look older than her as a result.

Tampons. Apparently if you used tampons, you'd have to go for a D&C every year or so due to "build up".

Deodorant. Not necessary if you washed apparently. They considered it something dirty people used in lieu of washing.

Sunglasses, especially when driving. Could make you go blind. Like the reading in the dark old wives tale. As a result my mum spend many a summer gardening with no eye protection and got early cataracts. Yet she still looks at me suspiciously, like I might crash, if I put them on to drive on a sunny day.

Contact lenses -seriously dangerous in their view.

Sun block -they were of that generation that used baby oil and encouraged me to do the same because I was so pale and unhealthy.

Changing job -you got one job and stuck with it or your CV would be ruined forever. And they took this literally, expecting me to stick with chambermaiding as a 17 year old. When I was in a professional role and given rotating training -shifting every 6 months, they were horrified. I'd never work again etc.

Hobbies including sport. They simply did not believe in hobbies or interests unless you were going to make it your whole life's devotion, career or it was going to take you to the Olympics. The idea that you might try something out, and not stick with it was outrageous.

I think my parents might have been particularly odd. There are other examples I can't bring myself to say out loud.

Please tell me other people have similar tales of things their parents didn't believe in...

I can't imagine why there would be snow on a bed. Surely the house eaves keep it out. I have my windows open when it rains and have never had anything wet.

You clearly don't live in Scotland or Ireland, we have special horizontal rain and snow!

So do we at times - still doesn't get in the windows!

I live less than 5 minutes from Repton and I can well see how snow could get into the dorms in the older dorm houses. Not a surprise that they did that. I believe that Gordonstoun was the inspiration for a private school that Sir Pterry invented in "The Truth".

-William, as a less-important son, had been sent to Hugglestones, a boarding school so bleak and spartan that only the upper glasses would dream of sending their sons there.

My parents were born in the 1930’s. Rationing and conforming with the social norms of the time played a part. From the things I read here I realise how lucky I was in a way, that their behaviour was fairly common at the time I was growing up (1960s to mid 1970s). I did not get on with my mother and resolved at the age of 8 not to confide in her as she wasn’t a supportive, kind or understanding mum. I’ve had therapy since to overcome the low self esteem and unhappiness this caused me. But at the time I was growing up, it seems my experiences as a child were common to many. I am deeply sorry to hear of the truly abusive childhoods suffered by some other posters. How much has changed? There will always be abusive, neglectful parents but as a society I think we are more willing to speak up when we see children being harmed, neglected or abused. Mumsnet comments are great at revealing what people consider as “normal” family life and helping put things into perspective for anyone reading here. I am really grateful for all the honesty and compassion of this online community, and glad to be part of it.

Not my parents, but my Grandma found the fact that I'd gotten my ears pierced 'disgusting' and was also horrified to know why I wasn't yet engaged at 23!

Following on from my previous posts
Getting up at 5/6am I asked her why she did this a while ago She said because She got up early so why couldn’t we? 🙄

going to a primary school an hour and a half away bearing in mind this was the 80s and travelling by bus there was plenty in our borough but the school was in a ‘better area’

no drinks during the night

no entering the kitchen after tea time and definitely no cooking or making anything like a snack

shyness I was told I was an embarrassment for being shy and couldn’t take me anywhere

I was/am the scapegoat and black sheep

making ‘mess’ that includes just playing with toys definitely no baking cakes or play doh

walking on the floor apparently I was breaking her floors 🙄

never allowed a lie lin EVER

no sitting on your Duvet it will make them flat

curtains to be open from 5/6am and windows open in all weathers

no high heels until I was 18 and even then I was called a slag for wearing them

no cheap clothes (once I got to a certain age She stopped buying me clothes)

I meant lie in
aparently everyone would think she was running a B&B if we had our curtains open/ closed at certain times I said what with the same guests for X years 😂 she didn’t like the fact I questioned her

I think I mentioned on a previous post but she didn’t believe on calling me by my name (still doesn’t) unless she’s in the company of someone else and when I hear her use my name I instantly feel embarrassed ashamed and full of anxiety I was referred to as ‘it’ ‘She’ ‘her’ ‘that’

I was the same. Never given enough yet belted when I leaked onto my clothes

Oh god yes my dad believed that the only proper job was a manual
one, especially when he’d been down the pub on a Saturday afternoon and came home belligerent and pissed after being with friends who were just an echo chamber for his narrow minded views, telling me his friends daughters would be making their dads dinner.
I was doing a Levels at the time, I used to say to him dad these jobs you are saying are not real are the jobs I will be doing one day. Didn’t seem to register - wanker.

I agree. When my daughters started their periods in the early to mid 90's, the advice was that under 16's should not use tampons because of the risk of toxic shock syndrome.
Some people on this thread forget that the world was a very different place in those days. We didn't have the internet and Mumsnet to go to for advice. The only guidance we had was from our own parents, medical professionals and daily newspapers.

How did parents get like this? People say ‘it was a different time’ but cruelty is cruelty. And there seems to be a lot of it baked into the bizarre ideas of some of these parents.

Oh god I have enjoyed reading these so much... I think what strikes me is how dogmatic and inflexible so many parents were... I hope I am a little more capable of taking on new information, though honestly I'm sure our children will have plenty to complain about...

My mum was very flat-chested and skinny, and I took after my dad's mum and was curvy and had large breasts. She was appalled when I started hitting puberty and thought I was fat or "growing up too fast". She didn't believe I needed a bra until I was 14. I started developing at 9 so by Y6 I was a C cup and the first 2 years of secondary school were awful, bouncing around especially in PE. She scoffed at teenage bras and "trainer bras" saying "breasts are not bicycles, they don't need stabilisers!" I could not even nick her bras as they were too small for me. She remains an A-cup to my FFs... and still seems appalled at my curvier body, even though I'm a healthy person who works out 5 times a week and does an active job.

She didn't let me shave or wear make-up either and once threw away a load of my friend's make-up that she left at my house because she thought it was mine.. and then refused to pay for it... so embarrassing.

Basically looking back she had an issue letting me become a young woman. It happened too quickly for her and she didn't like it one bit. I think she's generally a kind person but unfortunately listening to your children was not really the done thing. She didn't like us to answer back when small. Once I had more made the transition from kid to adolescent she did start listening more... but by then she had already ignored my pleas that her strong beliefs were getting me bullied... she is pretty ashamed if I mention it now...

I know and my mother was born in 63 so had things like automatic washing machines etc so it’s not as though the clothes needed extra special attention

I do have some sympathy for the parents who were sceptical of university. Major's and Blair's govts really pushed higher education at school leavers, with the result that many kids went to university for the sake of it. Of course, the jobs weren't there at the end of it.

My dad thought cystitis was only caused by sex and was horrified when I, as a single student had a bad dose of it "what HAVE you been up to, young lady??"

DM's favourite - you only get an STI if you've been promiscuous. The fact you could be a virgin, sleep with someone once and be unlucky was just not an explanation she accepted.

I am so pleased that my mother, b1936, taught me how to dress, use make-up, do my hair, and encouraged anti-perspirant. She even bought me one if those little razors that came in a dinky plastic box that you had to assemble and it had two blades included, wrapped in flower covered paper. She also taught me that it was easy to give into sex in the moment and to ensure precautions were taken. It was the nice girls who got caught out according to her. Notwithstanding the variety of different towel brands I was provided with to see which was best when the time came. I was using tampons by my third period.

I was born in 1960 and find some of the experiences on this thread relating to the 80s and 90s incomprehensible.

To be fair we didn't have the best relationship, she didn't think I should have a career, and I never met her standards of elegance or socialite requirements. But materially and in the contexts of keeping up with the times there were no problems.

It's fair to say she was a bit of a girl in her day, probably a bit of an IT girl by today's standards.

Cooking from scratch. Eating anything with onions, garlic, pasta, rice, spices or any other remotely tasty ingredient (my dad).

Going abroad (again, my dad).

To his credit though (born 1937) he did believe in doing housework and chores equally with my mum. I think it was because he had to fend for himself and look after younger siblings as a teenager. His mum died of cancer when he was 16 and his dad went to pieces for a bit.

I agree. When my daughters started their periods in the early to mid 90's, the advice was that under 16's should not use tampons because of the risk of toxic shock syndrome.

Really? I used Lillets from the age of 12/13 and that was in 1988 and I never remember reading anything to say they were not recommended for under 16s. Certainly we were told they were ok to use in talks about periods at school and I was well aware of TSS and the warnings not to leave them in too long from teen magazines and facts of life books I had.

What I could have done with at school is a decent sports bra. There were sports bras around but they were crap.

I remember struggling to buy any gym/exercise/sports clothes for women in the early to mid 90s. There was stuff available but hardly any choice! I used to buy men's shorts a lot of the time.

I did not have my first sexual relationship until I was 28. Late starter. Father believed ex was only within marriage- for women.

I went away for the weekend with my boyfriend and when I returned my father would not speak to me or even look at me. When i pressed him on this he snapped; 'I expected you to return home with everything you went away with' aka my hymen.

My mother tore strips off him. Which was quite satisfying to watch.

It was not his finest moment. He's actually a complete feminist brought up by a strong feminist mother was it was a bit of a shock.

I was painfully shy as a child.
One one occasion there was a birthday party in the street. I was sent off with a card and a present. It was in an upstairs flat. I went up the stairs, and was confronted by (what seemed like) a room crammed with adults all looking at me.
I panicked, thrust the card and present at the birthday child, and fled back home.
Whereupon l got a good hiding and put to bed with no tea for 'making a show of her.'
I must have been about seven at the time. My mother had no lack of confidence at all, but she constantly belittled me, which didn't help with my lack of confidence and self consciousness. She said she 'wouldn't be able to look at anybody in the street' because of how l'd showed her up.
With hindsight, l doubt any of them even noticed l'd been there, besides the birthday person.

Someone my mum knew of (her cousin's cousin on the other side) almost died of TSS and went on to tell her story. She was on talk shows and radio etc and even wrote a book which ended up of course in our house. So tampons were absolutely banned in my house. At least there was an explanation in fairness.

It wasn't the advice. They were selling products intended for the teenage market in the 80s - the extra slim ones.

We had the excruciating talk from the PE teachers in 1984 where they extolled the virtues of tampons to us, as we'd be able to take part in PE and swimming, rather than sit on the sidelines in our uniforms, complete with the teaching materials supplied by the manufacturers - including the advice on changing them regularly. And then we went home and were told 'oh, no, you won't be able to get those in, they're for married women only'.

CurtainsForBea My mother was like that! 'That' was for when you were married!
I said l was going camping with my boyfriend (who l later married). She didn't speak to me for a month. Literally totally ignored me, didn't look at me.
I was twenty six.
I'd actually lost my virginity at (okay, four days before my birthday) sixteen to my first boyfriend. And l'd been on holiday with him, his sister, who was my best friend, and his best friend and his wife.
But of course, that time, (according to her) the married couple were there to 'chaperone' us. And l was sharing a room with my friend, not her brother.
Didn't happen. It was ridiculous.
Yet with the camping holiday - my dad handed my boyfriend a tenner, in front of my mother, and announced "See you get a good groundsheet, you'll need one in the Lakes!"

I was born in 66 and my mother had a tub and mangle in the back yard. I didn't have a washing machine until my youngest child was a year old and then it was a twin tub. I everything was washed by hand then into a spinner