DS16 says it's my fault he's bored

[dontforgettofloss]

As they title says really. My DS16 has been in his room most of the summer holidays. I've asked him to come out with me and his siblings, he almost always says no, unless his older brother (who is 19) comes too, but he's been working, so hasn't been able to come out.

I've told him I'll take him wherever he wants to go, that I'll take him to his friends house, I've offered to take him to the cinema, he said no to that, we've been bowling a couple of times, and he's been out with his friends once, and to football with his brother (they have a season ticket).
He says he's bored, and feels like a prisoner- I've told him that isn't the case, that he can go out whenever he wants, and that he doesn't have to stay in his room, but he says there's nowhere to go, and that he doesn't want to spend time in other parts of the house.

He's also said that it's my fault he feels bored- that I should have organised stuff to do for him.
I'm at a total loss as to what to do with him, whatever I suggest he says no to, and he said his friends are busy at the moment.

Im struggling with my mental health as it is at the moment, and I feel a horrible crushing guilt on top of all that, that I'm a failure as a mum.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do/say to him?

Can you afford holiday clubs? Put him in one for a couple of days?

(Btw it’s not your fault!)

That's a good idea, I'll look into that. Thank you

You say, ha ha ha. And give him jobs to do, at least one per day.

He needs to tell you exactly what he wants to do and then you see if its possible.

Does he want you to imagine what he wants and just magically take him?
Tell him clearly he has to let you know what he wants in order for it to happen.

I’m not sure there are holiday clubs for 16 year olds?

stop taking responsibility for his boredom, though. You’ve offered him loads of activities and he’s choosing to get bored. At 16, he should be in charge of his own activities and social life. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and if I were you, I’d start being firm with him and telling him it’s his choice.

Surely it is the fault of the last Labour government, after all we'll be told next year in the election campaign that everything is (by the Tories)?!

I agree with household jobs as a suggestion.

“only boring people get bored. There are x, y, z jobs that need doing so you either entertain yourself out of your pit or you help with with these jobs. Your choice”

it’s not you it’s him.

As my grannie used to say, only boring people are bored

Of course it’s not your fault. he’s just projecting.

what are his relationships like with his friends? At 16 they normally make their own plans.

I've specifically asked him what he would like to do, he says he doesn't know, so I say to him that I'm not a mind reader.
Things I have suggested so far;
Cinema
Swimming
Walk on the broads
Beach

We're lucky as we live in Norfolk, it's a lovely place, but he says no to bloody everything!

Don't think holiday clubs are a thing for 16 year olds are they?

He's old enough to know what he wants to do, and if he's choosing not to go out with friends etc then that's his fault.
I don't think you should be exactly organising something for him everyday at his age

Agree with lots here. Apart from having him tell you what he wants, he needs to be left to get on with entertaining himself. Hes not 5.

I would have been laughed out of the house at 16 by my parents if I told them it was their job to entertain me all summer.

At 16 I had a job as a lifeguard and worked most days of the holidays. Isn’t that what 16 year olds do any more?

Help him get a job. Even if he doesn't get it by the time summer holidays is over it could be a weekend job which presumably he has the same complaint.

He has nice friends, but they don't seem to plan much, I don't know how their relationship is- he doesn't tell me anything, he's a closed book

I've specifically asked him what he would like to do, he says he doesn't know, so I say to him that I'm not a mind reader

Then you'll just have to ignore him when he complains. You've done all you can. He is 16.

My lovely gran used to say boring people get bored I'm sure a clever mind like yours can come up with some way to amuse itself, start with your curiosity.
She used to say it in a kindly way and I've been hearing it since young so I always had a sense that my occupation was my responsibility. I do the same with my kids... So far so good, but they're only 10&13 yet so plenty of time for failure yet.
Sounds like he needs a dose of sunshine and socials... Any activities your friends kids are doing he can join in with?

You're not a crap mum.

There's a paper round available for him, so that should hopefully start in the next couple of weeks

Good point re: a job. I worked when I was 16, part time in a shop.

My older son (now 20) used to do this - still does if he's really bored. I never really found a solution to it other than saying, in various states from benign to irritated, that I'm not his social secretary and I'm too busy to lay on entertainment 24:7 during the holidays. And as pp says I got to the stage of pointing out all the laundry/mowing/shopping/cooking/pressure washing/room cleaning/vacuuming/dog walking he could be doing. Or getting a summer job.

It's really bloody annoying but I never found an answer other than rinse and repeat. It felt like he needed to go through a massive 'I'm boooooored' stage to work out what it was he wanted (in his case, an absorbing subject to study, a girlfriend and some regular sport). Some people just aren't very good at self direction!

This is teenage code for ‘I don’t know what I want and now I’m old enough to go wherever I like it turns out the world is a daunting place so I will retreat and blame my mum because she is solid and will absorb all my negative emotions’ This shows you are a great mum. Next step ask him to help you with stuff, really mundane like going to the tip, bits of DIY, but doing it together rather than leaving him to it.

He wants your guidance and company but he won’t specifically ask for it.

Thank you. That helps to hear that, as at the moment, I feel like a shit mum

Hahahahaha no. He is quite old enough to work out what he wants to do and you have been kind enough to offer to facilitate things for him. When I was 16 we didn’t even have the internet for ideas. And most of us didn’t have parents willing to ferry us to the beach etc or money for cinema. It’s not you.