DS16 says it's my fault he's bored

[dontforgettofloss]

As they title says really. My DS16 has been in his room most of the summer holidays. I've asked him to come out with me and his siblings, he almost always says no, unless his older brother (who is 19) comes too, but he's been working, so hasn't been able to come out.

I've told him I'll take him wherever he wants to go, that I'll take him to his friends house, I've offered to take him to the cinema, he said no to that, we've been bowling a couple of times, and he's been out with his friends once, and to football with his brother (they have a season ticket).
He says he's bored, and feels like a prisoner- I've told him that isn't the case, that he can go out whenever he wants, and that he doesn't have to stay in his room, but he says there's nowhere to go, and that he doesn't want to spend time in other parts of the house.

He's also said that it's my fault he feels bored- that I should have organised stuff to do for him.
I'm at a total loss as to what to do with him, whatever I suggest he says no to, and he said his friends are busy at the moment.

Im struggling with my mental health as it is at the moment, and I feel a horrible crushing guilt on top of all that, that I'm a failure as a mum.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do/say to him?

At 16 he should have a job .
Learn some responsibility instead of expecting mummy to run around after him.

'Oh well that won't kill you'

Ask around for some work for him. The paper round is a good thing but make sure you don't find yourself doing it for him!

16 I worked so did OH so did my three DCs. A paper round isn't a job. Find him a proper job, local FB pages ask around. He's bored, skint. His friends are probably working and have the money to go out. That's why they're busy.

That's hilarious. At 16, he should be a little more independent, not wanting mummy to arrange activities for him. Nice try but no. Start finding him housework to do if he keeps moaning. Honestly, the bollocks teenagers come out with.

Write a list of household jobs that need doing and present this to him next time he says he is bored. Seriously - you are probably running around chasing your arse with things that need doing - do not add him to the list of things for you to do, give him some jobs.

I think this is likely to be on the money. Maybe instead of 'do you want to do x?' try saying, 'I'm doing x, why don't you come with me?'. Or give him jobs to do, definitely.

It's so difficult at that age, you can't ring his mates mum and ask for a play date anymore, they don't want to go to the park with you, or really do anything with you, and certainly not in public!
I never did really come up with an answer for this, but I can say that eventually they will be happy to go the cinema with you again!
Things that might work ( but involve throwing money at the problem)

• escape room
• gym membership
• short courses related to special interests, eg animation/photography

Also, help them to find a part time job.

If you've a group in your area, Explorer Scouts- some of the groups run great trips, mountaineering, camping, kayaking etc.

Best of luck, you do know a mother's place is in the wrong!

Christ! At 16 I had a summer job and was working 6 days a week. I also had to help my dad around the house (my mum died when we were young).

Any spare time I had I read, went to the shops with friends, went on walks, went to a couple of local festivals.

Good god. Really? I'm assuming that he gas no mental health issues here?

Look OP, at 16, he can say he's bored in the way any of us can. But also, like anyone else, he needs to take responsibility. Stop feeling responsible for his boredom. Stop suggesting ways to alleviate his boredom. Go and spend some 'me' time on you. You deserve it. He sounds entitled to me (though tbf, alot of teens are): crying boredom and expecting someone else to resolve the problem. When he next says it, just reply 'are you, dear?' Rinse and repeat. Anything else enables his immaturity.

Leave him to his own devices to do whatever he wants. If he wants to stay inside on a lovely day cooped up in his room, fine. Let him crack on with it. He'll soon get bored of being bored.

Hmm. At 16, they're usually doing part time jobs or making their own plans with friends. My dd would have been horrified if I had started trying to organise stuff for her at that age.

I wonder if your ds is actually trying to tell you something else? Could he be depressed? Friendship problems? Undiagnosed SEN?

Has he tried to get a PT job. If not, could he be encouraged to do that? It would get him out of the house and meeting new people etc.

It's not your job to entertain him at 16, but I would be concerned about him and trying to get to the bottom of what's wrong.

Does he have a bike? I used to give my son jobs to do, like cycle to blah shop and get 3 aaa batteries, and then post this letter. I had to PAY him though. He would do these jobs if I paid him but otherwise he'd just slump over his pc 24/7
But if I did pay him to do a job he seemed less restless afterwards.

It's not realistic to say ''at 16 I had a summer job''. My dd age 20 has a summer job and they don't hire anybody who hasn't turned 18.

Re. The getting a job, he's very, very shy, and wouldn't use his initiative to get a job himself. I think the paper round would be a good start for now

I've just seen you live in Norfolk, so I know there are active Sea Scout groups there. Also lots of boatyards to get jobs in!

If he’s 16 he’s left school, so he can sort his own social life. And yes, only boring people get bored.

A paper round isn't really a job though.
My kids and the vast majority of their friends had proper weekend/summer jobs by 16.
If you are in Norfolk are you within walking or public transport distance of any if the many holiday parks? Most of the kids in our area working these at some point between 16 and 20.
Failing that there are shops, cafes, restaurants, hotels etc where he could get waiting, KP, housekeeping work.
I find it very unusual that a 16 year old hasn't already got the motivation to do this.
Also it should be him applying for jobs, handing in his CV etc not you.

The suggestion of a holiday club is hilarious. Where we are the holiday clubs and activity places have 16 year olds as paid helpers not participants.

A lot of farmers might be happy to take on a hardworking 16 year old for casual harvest work - stacking bales, shovelling grain etc..

My brother and his friends all did summer casual work for my dad (a farmer) in their teens and loved it - hard work but a lot of camraderie and a weekly pay packet.

Not meaning to drop feed, but he's seeing a counseller at the moment due to anxiety, he won't really open up to me much, but he's had health problems over the last couple of years- long Covid, and struggling to gain weight, he's underweight, and he's been to see the GP, a dietitian and a gastroenterologist to rule out any physical problems.
He's desperate to put weight on, and I know he's self conscious about it

In his defence, is it as easy to get a job as a teenager these days as it once was? I also got my first job as a hotel cleaner when I was fifteen and then did a mixture of retail and agency factory work until I graduated at 22. This was all in the 00s.

I don't seem to see or hear of those sorts of jobs going to u18s as much now? The kids that age I know tend to have Saturday/holiday jobs through family connections mainly.

I agree with this. The world is a scary place. My son had not found a job at 16, or 17. He has joined a gymn though.

I find all these suggestions that 16 year olds get pt jobs to be missing the point. Part of what they're angry about is that they realise that it's the confident outgoing dynamic teens who go out there and scoop up the jobs. Suddenly they go from the self-evaluation of ''i got 4 h1s and 3 h2s in my junior cert I'm the bees' knees'' to - that guy who got 7 passes got a summer job, what if they're are aspects to success that are outside of my control.

Obviously being 16 though, that thought process isn't words, it's just a jumbled up frustration taken out on the mother.

Some of the same feelings of relief can be found from a job well done though. Emptying out the shed for example!

At 16 I worked all summer in a factory and was in the pub every Friday night. Certainly didn't expect my parents to sort my life out for me.

However. Anything I was unhappy about was always down to my parents- even when it wasn't! I have a 13 yr old who has spent his whole summer (apart from a holiday abroad) in his room, on his xbox. He says he doesn't want to go out and see anyone from school. We're mid house renovation, so I haven't got the time to try and find other things to do. And also, holiday abroad!

Well if he won't use his initiative you have to guide him.
Getting a job and getting out of the house into the real world is probably just what he needs.

Ha ha! So it's your fault you haven't planned anything for him? Even though you're suggesting things for him to do?
Definitely not your fault OP. He is old enough to arrange stuff. I've just thought back to what I was doing in the summer at 16 and I was working at a theme park. I guess it's too late to get seasonal/summer work? But if not would you be happy for him to work?

Sounds like a typical teenager to me- my nephew complains there’s no food he wants to eat, his mum offers to buy anything he wants and he can’t list one thing - but still it’s her fault there’s nothing he can eat

Sorry, just read your update re pt job

I have an 18 year old DS who is into everything, has worked since the age of 16, spent the summer of his 16th year pursuing various hobbies, working for money and socialising a lot. I also have a 16 year old who doesn't get up before lunch without major nagging, lies under his duvet on his phone watching YouTube videos, insists he doesn't want a summer job and doesn't need money, does not organise anything but will fairly happily go out when one of his friends organises it. I have suggested swimming, bowling, cinema, bike ride, crazy golf, day trip to London, even a bloody walk to KFC funded by me - he's not interested unless one of his friends plans it. I refuse to organise things for him beyond a few family trips we would have done anyway - he's not a baby and he'll be bored schlepping around with me, but why oh why can't he get a hobby and do something with friends? He just says they are all away. We couldn't afford a proper family holiday this year as we desperately needed to renovate our bathroom which hadn't been touched since the 80s, so he's only been away for 3 days in the UK with us and then a few days with my mum because I packed him off there with a friend in the hopes he would DO more - he did but only because my mum organised it all. I sympathise, OP. I think boys mature at different rates and mine is more like a 13/14 year old in behaviour currently. Praying he's going to grow up a lot during 6th form!