DS16 says it's my fault he's bored

[dontforgettofloss]

As they title says really. My DS16 has been in his room most of the summer holidays. I've asked him to come out with me and his siblings, he almost always says no, unless his older brother (who is 19) comes too, but he's been working, so hasn't been able to come out.

I've told him I'll take him wherever he wants to go, that I'll take him to his friends house, I've offered to take him to the cinema, he said no to that, we've been bowling a couple of times, and he's been out with his friends once, and to football with his brother (they have a season ticket).
He says he's bored, and feels like a prisoner- I've told him that isn't the case, that he can go out whenever he wants, and that he doesn't have to stay in his room, but he says there's nowhere to go, and that he doesn't want to spend time in other parts of the house.

He's also said that it's my fault he feels bored- that I should have organised stuff to do for him.
I'm at a total loss as to what to do with him, whatever I suggest he says no to, and he said his friends are busy at the moment.

Im struggling with my mental health as it is at the moment, and I feel a horrible crushing guilt on top of all that, that I'm a failure as a mum.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do/say to him?

I have a 16 and 15 yo, they both have jobs, hobbies and friends I have to book weeks ahead to get them to do stuff and come on a family holiday, this doesn't sound like normal 16 yo behaviour tbh.

Is he depressed? Suffering with mental health or maybe ND? If none of those then point him in the direction of a job site and tell him to get off his arse!

Ds1 is also 16. He works 3-4 shifts a week waiting on in a pub (18-24 hours). He goes to the gym 3 times a week, goes out on his bike, sometimes meets up with friends, likes to chill out in the garden reading. Happy to come on a walk or day out with me, dd (14) and ds2 (8).
His friends are all similar.

Are there any activities he could join in with (not holiday clubs exactly, which suggests childcare)? DD around that age went to surf school for a week, which I found but then she just went off on the bus every day. He might need help researching things like this.

Tell him to get a job.

at 16 my dd was working in the summer holidays, is there a reason your ds is unable to work and fund & organise his own social life?

Are you working or could you organise a trip away with him . When mine were that age we still did theme park tours in the UK or went down to Cornwall for a show at the Minack . Or a couple of days in London doing the museums . I think actually getting away even if it’s only for a couple of days can break up the holiday .

Hienstky I'd have bollocked him.
What an entitled little arse.
I'd crush that thinking before he starts inflicting it on any other future women in his life.

I think maybe I've gone wrong somewhere along the line, maybe I've babied him.
He gets very impatient with me if I ask him to go somewhere with us, and if I try to talk about his mental health

You are not a shit mom. He is a hormonal teenager.

Can he not invite friends round to sit in his room?

Youre not a shit mum. You've been offering and he hasn't taken it up.
My ds has been similar. I got him volunteering at a club in the library, sometimes I've told him he has no choice and he has to come with us when we're going out. He's been grumpy about it but has enjoyed it once he's out.
I've also told him to message his friends and ask them if they want to have a kickabout in the park, a bike ride or go to McDonald's or Subway for some food. It's been successful once!
Teenagers need to get out. I've explained that bodies need to move, not sit in their bedroom, sofa or dining table all day. So unhealthy.

He’s a teen with anxiety.

You’ve not done anything wrong and don’t let these ‘perfect parents’ make you think otherwise.

I was independent from the age of about 6.
I’d regularly be walking around until late at night from the age of 4.
I was never bored, not because my mum was such a good mum but because she was neglectful (MH issues) and so I learnt how to find my own fun.

By the time I was your sons age I was feral, taking drugs, drinking and committing crimes and I ended up getting pregnant as a teen.

Just because your son doesn’t work, volunteer, go to the gym, see friends everyday and do all of the housework everyday, doesn’t mean you’ve failed him or that he’s bad.

He’s saying he’s bored, that’s all.
He’s blaming you because he’s deflecting.
Some posters are acting like he beats you and this thread is getting very competitive.

Keep repeating that he can do X,Y,Z and if he’s bored then that’s his own fault for not thinking of something to do.

Please don’t think it’s your fault or that you’ve done anything wrong, because you haven’t.

Can't get go and call for his mates to play football with?

I remember being bored stupid for 6 weeks when I was a kid.

But he’s older so we would expect him to have more autonomy by now.

However, I have one who would be happy to just sit on the xbox all day every day too.

If you are stuck for thinking of activities, archery or air-rifle target shooting are good.

So are things like segways and quad-bikes - but all these are obviously far more fun with mates (or with his big brother).

If he's bored,give him the loo brush and tell him to crack on....

My youngest was very shy. Even more reason to get a job. He was only a glass washer to start with in a restaurant. But was smart so management gave him more responsibility when he asked for it. Got him through the holidays until university then he worked there when home. He's now an amazing barista and cocktail creator.

Another quiet son worked for a farmer who did fencing hedge laying, hay making for a few years.

A friends son never worked through school or university his parents provided everything. He graduated with a first at university but has never interacted with adults, he's off to London for his very first job. He's terrified of the structure of a real job. His parents say if you're not happy come home again.

Cadets sounds a good start but find him a job because he's too shy.

His friends all live in a different village, and the bus routes are terrible- I have offered to drive him there though

Can he join a gym

My 15yo was like this and generally meant “the only thing I want to do is see my friends but they’re not around or I haven’t been invited to whatever thing they’re doing and so there is nothing I want to do and blaming my mum is a nicer feeling than feeling lonely and left out”.

I don't think you have necessarily gone wrong anywhere, OP. All kids are different.

My dd has always been very capable, confident and self sufficient. But the point is, allowing for age, she has always been that way. She was the kind of kid who happily toddled into a room full of unknown children when she was tiny and barely gave me a backwards glance, so it's hardly surprising that she is similar now as a young adult. It is just who she is, and I can't take the credit for it.

Your ds is a different person and no doubt has his own gifts and strengths. But he is also suffering with anxiety which is unfortunately getting in the way of him doing normal teenage stuff. That isn't because you have "gone wrong" somewhere. It may be the result of a whole combination of factors - genetic predisposition, environmental factors such as his experiences in school etc. It isn't necessarily the result of anything that you have or haven't done, and you won't help him by beating yourself up about it.

Obviously, it's important to help him break through the barriers that he is facing. It's great that he is getting counselling. Make sure that he is getting proper medical help too if appropriate. And find as many ways as you can to gently try to push him out of his comfort zone, one little step at a time. Enlist his older brother to help with this if you can.

Thank you everybody, you have no idea how much this is helping me, I've felt very alone with this, I don't really have anyone to talk to about it

It's always that easy for them to find jobs

It's not always that easy to find jobs

I

Books, museums, summer job? Learning to cook or take up a new sport or language ( if possible). Maybe the community centre or library has some things laid on?

They're just annoying sometimes

We just had a lovely holiday abroad and my ungrateful DS moaned the whole bloody time

He's old enough to stay home alone next year

Really? Are you so tribal in your politics you have to bring it into this. Not a helpful contribution is it? Poor form.

OP it's really not you- not your responsibility - at his age he should be able to entertain himself.