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Original poster

DS16 says it's my fault he's bored

131 replies

dontforgettofloss · 12/08/2023 09:01

As they title says really. My DS16 has been in his room most of the summer holidays. I've asked him to come out with me and his siblings, he almost always says no, unless his older brother (who is 19) comes too, but he's been working, so hasn't been able to come out.

I've told him I'll take him wherever he wants to go, that I'll take him to his friends house, I've offered to take him to the cinema, he said no to that, we've been bowling a couple of times, and he's been out with his friends once, and to football with his brother (they have a season ticket).
He says he's bored, and feels like a prisoner- I've told him that isn't the case, that he can go out whenever he wants, and that he doesn't have to stay in his room, but he says there's nowhere to go, and that he doesn't want to spend time in other parts of the house.

He's also said that it's my fault he feels bored- that I should have organised stuff to do for him.
I'm at a total loss as to what to do with him, whatever I suggest he says no to, and he said his friends are busy at the moment.

Im struggling with my mental health as it is at the moment, and I feel a horrible crushing guilt on top of all that, that I'm a failure as a mum.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do/say to him?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 12/08/2023 10:16

Are there any families round about with small children who might need some extra help during the holidays? I'd pay someone very good money to come build lego and do construction projects with my older DC while I get on with other stuff.

Whydoifeellikeaneel · 12/08/2023 10:17

I never dared tell my mother if I was bored. I would be presented with a bottle of Flash, rubber gloves and a list the length of my arm. Instead I read books, wrote, sketched, went for walks and organised whatever I was able to as the alternative was too awful 😀

My husband always says what a high boredom threshold I have and I put it down to it being in my best interests not to be bored growing up!

MrsMarzetti · 12/08/2023 10:18

Tell him he is 16 not 6 and to get his arse out of his room and get a job. Surely he has been organising some of his own social since starting secondary school ? He seems to dependent on his mum to sort his life.

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16 year olds Families
Whydoifeellikeaneel · 12/08/2023 10:20

user1477391263 · 12/08/2023 10:12

I'd sit down with him and list up:

Study - what subjects he's doing at school/college (or about to start studying), and a timetable for studying.

Household tasks - he should be taking on his share of chores.

A part-time job of some kind.

Confidence and social skills are like muscles. They get stronger when you use them. Failure to use them causes them to atrophy. I know it's tough for shy kids, but he needs to get out there. Help him set some small goals to start with and then build up.

I agree, and I believe that the best way to develop confidence is to push out of your comfort zone.

Bristolnewcomer · 12/08/2023 10:21

Whydoifeellikeaneel · 12/08/2023 10:17

I never dared tell my mother if I was bored. I would be presented with a bottle of Flash, rubber gloves and a list the length of my arm. Instead I read books, wrote, sketched, went for walks and organised whatever I was able to as the alternative was too awful 😀

My husband always says what a high boredom threshold I have and I put it down to it being in my best interests not to be bored growing up!

Absolutely agree. Doing housework is not a punishment either it’s stuff that someone needs to do and if he’s free it might as well be him.

Second stop giving him choices and just drag him along with you for a walk or shopping or visit friends.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 12/08/2023 10:23

It's not your fault.

I'd be telling him to find a part time job/meet up with friends/do some volunteering.

I'd also give him a list of household jobs to be getting on with.

My 17yo dd has been really busy this summer, she's worked alternate days at a ice cream kiosk in town and spent lots of time with her boyfriend or friends.

If she is at home for the day I expect her to help with housework and take the dog out.

At 16 he needs to take responsibility, this isn't on you to sort out.

thatsn0tmyname · 12/08/2023 10:25

He needs to get a job. I had one when I finished my exams. No time to be bored.

continentallentil · 12/08/2023 10:27

If he's very shy he probably does need some help, and I also agree with crapbucket about the deeper stuff doing on.

He needs to get a holiday job in a cafe or something which is more hours and where he can talk to people. I think that's the main thing. Pull out all the stops to get that to happen.

If he in anyway likes exercise can you enroll him in the council gym and drop him off pretty much every day on your way to where ever.

Give him some chores in the house, and make doing them conditional on pocket money/privileges

If he likes the cinema or bowling, try and organise a family trip once a week. Ideally some of those trips would just be him and his older brother. Give them some cash if you can.

Tell your oldest son you are trying to organise more stuff for him and if he has any suggestions that would be great.

MargaretThursday · 12/08/2023 10:27

Ds is 16 with ADHD and ASD and has so far had a fairly busy summer with not a lot of input from me.

He did a week in a play, through his drama group. A few days work experience he sorted that I did take him to/from as our buses wouldn't get him there on time. He's been on a holiday (which he'd rather not have been on) which was organised by me. Then he's been out with friends numerous times. I would say organised by him, but more his group of friends, in particularly the young lady who joined his (only boys before) group in the last year and seems to be very good at organising them to do things. All my input is saying "yes, no problem" when he tells me they're doing something. He gets himself there and back, normally by working.
He's been up to the park to play football a few times, again, my input is to give permission and a time (normally dinner time) when he needs to be home.
He's also had school work to do for starting A-levels which, amazingly (it's most common for him to wake at 6am on the first day of school to dash something off) he seems to have done without any nagging.
Oh and he's been to the dentist (organised by me) and barbers (him).

Darkdiamond · 12/08/2023 10:27

I wouldn't take responsibility for my 8 year old being bored over the holidays, especially if I'd offered him all you options you have! Our house is coming down with toys, books and activities. If my child said it was my fault he was bored, I'd give him a duster and tell him to get cracking with the skirting boards in his room.

Defaultsettings · 12/08/2023 10:27

dontforgettofloss · 12/08/2023 09:46

Thank you all for your responses, it's very reassuring to know that none of you think it's my fault.
I've enquired about him joining the RAF cadets, as this is something he's interested in.

It’s not your fault he’s but you enquiring about RAF cadets isn’t helping the situation.

HE is bored so HE should sort something out. Shyness is not a factor here because I am sure he could email to enquire.

Its not your fault but don’t enable.

AlisonDonut · 12/08/2023 10:31

dontforgettofloss · 12/08/2023 09:06

I've specifically asked him what he would like to do, he says he doesn't know, so I say to him that I'm not a mind reader.
Things I have suggested so far;
Cinema
Swimming
Walk on the broads
Beach

We're lucky as we live in Norfolk, it's a lovely place, but he says no to bloody everything!

Show quote history

Things you need to suggest:
Dusting
Hoovering
Sorting the dishwasher
Dehairing the bathroom plugholes
Cleaning the toilet
Emptying the bins
Doing the washing and sorting it and putting it nearly back on everyone's beds
Weeding
Mowing
Dead heading the roses/cosmos/whatever

Squeaky2023 · 12/08/2023 10:31

I'm trying to imagine saying this as a teenager to my parents in the 80's.

longwayoff · 12/08/2023 10:34

Your fault eh? It'll be his wife's fault one day. He needs to find his own identity or are you expected to do that for him too? Over entitled.

Goldbar · 12/08/2023 10:37

If it's not really about being bored per se, but about the anxiety and lack of confidence to try new things (but also feeling like he's missing out), then you might need to lean quite heavily on him to get him to do stuff. My cousin was a bit like this... highly self-conscious and anxious in new and unfamiliar situations. But would have been mortified to have his mum tagging along. It's a tough one to solve.

Augustus40 · 12/08/2023 10:38

He would benefit from a part time job.

WhisperingHi · 12/08/2023 10:40

"son, grow up. I've offered you activities and you've said no, that's on you. If you can write a list of things you want to do, I'll make an effort to incorporate that into the plans".

Do NOT feel guilty, he's being lazy.

TwoTallTerrors · 12/08/2023 10:45

MrsMarzetti · 12/08/2023 10:18

Tell him he is 16 not 6 and to get his arse out of his room and get a job. Surely he has been organising some of his own social since starting secondary school ? He seems to dependent on his mum to sort his life.

This. I wonder if you have always organised all his activities... definitely time to cut the apron strings and let him either remain bored...his choice...or find something to do...his choice.

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2023 10:47

Don't pander to him, he's being rude and spoilt and needs a reality check.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/08/2023 10:48

I think it is fine for a parent to help a 16 year old into a first job. Some kids just don't know how to take that step, but once they have done it they gain the confidence to do it themselves next time.

LessonsInPhysics · 12/08/2023 10:52

FusionChefGeoff · 12/08/2023 09:50

My kids are still at primary but I've clipped this into my 'parenting teens' notes!!

Show quote history

Good idea to get the parenting teens notes started - I had a rude awakening when my lovely confident little DCs turned into totally different characters.

OP, certainly not your fault but I think CrapBucket nails it. Some DC need more support at 16 than others. Offering company and chores might be a way in for him.

Emilia35 · 12/08/2023 10:57

My 16 yo sister in law has a job over the holidays and works most days. Would never expect her mum to provide entertainment.

It blows my mind that a kid that age blames mum for boredom. Even my 4 year old finds stuff to do alone for a few hours if I need to do a big house clean.

He's the problem, not you!!

usernother · 12/08/2023 11:09

At 16 I'd have been mortified if my mum had arranged anything for me to do, or if I'd gone anywhere with her. Switch the internet off. See if that makes him do anything Grin

FrippEnos · 12/08/2023 11:15

Its typical of so many teenagers that wont take any responsibility for themselves and want to be spoon fed everything aspect of their lives.

xXJoy · 12/08/2023 11:17

to the parents of much younger children, if I could go back in time, I'd turn off the internet at 22.00 every night. I left it too late to implement this discipline as by the time I realised my son was up half the night gaming, it was too late. He was a foot taller than me and got quite aggressive with me. I put settings on the internet which took me ages and he just waited til I'd finished and then put a pin in the modem to reset.

What i should have done was bring the modem to bed with me every night from when he was 11. My older child would have complained too, and I would have felt the absence of the internet myself, but if I could go back in time, I would do it.