DS16 says it's my fault he's bored

[dontforgettofloss]

As they title says really. My DS16 has been in his room most of the summer holidays. I've asked him to come out with me and his siblings, he almost always says no, unless his older brother (who is 19) comes too, but he's been working, so hasn't been able to come out.

I've told him I'll take him wherever he wants to go, that I'll take him to his friends house, I've offered to take him to the cinema, he said no to that, we've been bowling a couple of times, and he's been out with his friends once, and to football with his brother (they have a season ticket).
He says he's bored, and feels like a prisoner- I've told him that isn't the case, that he can go out whenever he wants, and that he doesn't have to stay in his room, but he says there's nowhere to go, and that he doesn't want to spend time in other parts of the house.

He's also said that it's my fault he feels bored- that I should have organised stuff to do for him.
I'm at a total loss as to what to do with him, whatever I suggest he says no to, and he said his friends are busy at the moment.

Im struggling with my mental health as it is at the moment, and I feel a horrible crushing guilt on top of all that, that I'm a failure as a mum.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do/say to him?

I wouldn’t worry. Sixteen is a funny age as it’s on the cusp of adulthood but not quite there yet. He’s probably looking at social media and assuming others have more exciting lives, he needs someone to blame and you are first in line

Lol at holiday clubs for sixteen year olds though.

From my experience there are plenty of jobs for kids this age. Especially in a place like Norfolk that has lots of holiday parks and touristy stuff.
I have a 17 year old and a 20 year old both worked from 16. All their friendship group have had jobs since then and looking at my family and friends kids who are dotted all ove the country the vast majority of them have jobs from 16.

Oh my 16 year old DS tried this. I told him it's not my job to entertain a 16 year old, go and get a job, meet your friends, get a hobby, start living your life. Harsh maybe but I barely saw my parents after the age of 13 as I was always do something of my own planning. Kids these days just don't know how to entertain themselves.

He can be shy if he wants, but still needs to get a job. He could easily walk right in to one in hospitality industry. I was a shy and traumatised child and have been working since the day I got my national insurance number. He'll be an adult in less than 2yrs, time to start functioning.

The grass needs mowing, sort your room out, paint a wall or go and find something yourself

Can you join him to a gym? The council ones here have specific hours for teens, although he is old enough to attend adult hours if he prefers. It's a way to build a few muscles and meet girls, as far as I can see.

There are certainly jobs around here for teenagers - the unfortunate kids who supervise tennis camp can't be more than 16, and the leisure centres, ice cream vans, cinemas etc have no visible staff older than 18. My friend's sons clear tables in a pub, which I didn't even know was allowed at 16.

Actually thinking about it, employment opportunities for 16 year olds are much better than they were 5 years ago.

Lol, this sounds familiar with all of my children!

It's not your job to entertain him, he's 16.
He should be working, helping out in the house etc.

Thank you all for your responses, it's very reassuring to know that none of you think it's my fault.
I've enquired about him joining the RAF cadets, as this is something he's interested in.

I've suggested the gym, but he'll only go if his brother goes, which is kind of difficult at the moment as his brother is working a lot

He 16 not 6, you're no longer responsible for entertaining him and you'll be doing him no favours in doing so. I'd offer him one or two age appropriate activities a week and then leave him to it. Each time he mentions he bored suggest a household chore that needs doing.

@dontforgettofloss I think you'd be pushing water uphill trying to get him to get a job. I'd do up a charter, see if he'll sign it. Discuss it with him, see what he'll agree to, eg, up at 09am? No, too early? up at 0930am ? no? too early? up at 10.00? ok. Walk the dog? no, ok.

Just try and get him to be UP out of bed and do one or two tasks per day. I have a 17 year old who is very clever at school and trounces all around him at chess, but I think the world scares him more than it does some of his less academic pals. He has joined a gym so luckily he has somewhere to go now. I do agree that working is good for teens but my son wasn't ready. I think what would have happened would have been that the employer would have asked for something reasonable to be done and my son would have FROZEN and then stormed off.

Rome wasn't built in a day. They're not all ready for jobs at 16. (I had my first summer job at 16, and I wasn't nearly 17, I had just turned 16). My brother was the hide in his room type but he has ended up doing much better than I did (career wise).

So not that I'm in any position to advise anybody, my own son is not ''out there'' flourishing but I am not going to try and push water uphill.

Oh, with regard to paying for jobs to be done, i found a good trick (with my older child) was to pay minimum wage per hour. It really brings it home to them. As I said to my older child, I've already paid tax on what i'm paying you to clean out that cupboard, so do the work to a high standard.

My dd was always hungry for money though. My DS is more like, I need 2 euro for sausages, but he doesn't think forward. Will he need money tomorrow? should he budget? plan? no. His mind is more immature. He operates on that right now basis. Right now, standing in the queue at Aldi I need €1.90.

My kids are still at primary but I've clipped this into my 'parenting teens' notes!!

He’s 16, so can now legally do a PT job, a paper round is for a 13 year old. Mine worked at River Island and H Samuels at 16, they were never bored as they were either at work or out spending their hard earned cash. Washing up
or glass collecting at the pub, on the tills at the garden centre or farm shop anything and now is the time to start asking round, before the 18 year olds go to uni and leave their PT jobs.

good luck, it’s not your fault, teenagers love to blame mum for everything.

He's also said that it's my fault he feels bored- that I should have organised stuff to do for him.
I'm at a total loss as to what to do with him, whatever I suggest he says no to, and he said his friends are busy at the moment.

Im struggling with my mental health as it is at the moment, and I feel a horrible crushing guilt on top of all that, that I'm a failure as a mum.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do/say to him?

I have a few suggestions, but you probably won't like them!

Seriously though, please don't feel any guilt, he's just a fairly normal teenager from the sounds of things, there is no need for you to feel like a failure. In fact, I'm interested in why you do. Is it just because he's blaming you for not sorting out his social life? Or is there more to it?

You say it's hard for him to get a job because he's shy. I was incredibly shy when I was young - found it hard to talk to adults, even to look at them most of the time. But my mum made me go out and get a PT job when I was 14 and it really helped me in the long run.

My two DS's have had jobs themselves since they were 14 & 15 respectively. They got them off the back of their work experience week (although they had nothing to do with their academic work). One was collecting glasses in a pub, the other was a kitchen porter. They are now 16 &18, and both have moved on to other jobs. There are plenty out there, where we live, for the kids who want them.

I also agree with pp who said that everytime he moans about being bored, get him to do some housework or gardening. Does he help out around the house at the moment?

My biggest piece of advice though is to stand up to him with confidence when he says that it's your fault he's bored. I would laugh so hard at my two if they dared to try and blame me for not organising stuff for them!

I'd have thought it's easier than ever these days...hospitality is crying out for staff at the moment.

My DD is 18 now, but she and most of her friends have had jobs since they were 16. Only one of her friends found work through family connections. The rest work in cafés, restaurants, supermarkets, corner shops, Greggs, children's activities etc. It was very easy for dd to find a job at 16... she just walked into a few places with her cv and had work within a week. She has actually left her cafe job now to focus on her own self employed work which is much more lucrative but the cafe is desperately short staffed and frequently asks her if she could help to cover odd shifts.

I think the jobs are there for those who want them. They just need a bit of initiative to get them, which the OP says that her ds lacks. From what she has said, it sounds like he may be struggling with some kind of social anxiety too, so that will almost certainly be a barrier.

OP, it sounds like his mental health is the real problem here, and not a lack of things to do. You are not a shit mum!! It's good that he is getting counselling. Was that through his GP?

Is your son actually my DD in disguise??!!

I’m dealing with the same thing.
She keeps saying she’s bored but says no to every suggestion I make and doesn’t make any for herself.

She is an only child.
She does gaming online which I allow because that’s the only time she really interacts with her friends.
We live very rurally, as do most of her friends and so it’s not a case of just going down town together.

We’ve not really done anything fun but I have been forcing her to come and see family members or to go on walks.
I’ve said I’ll take her clothes shopping too as then I’m going she’ll want to show her new outfit off to her friends and actually meet up with them.

Good luck and I hope you find something that’ll help him.

@CrapBucket spot on 👍

@CrapBucket @DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy @dontforgettofloss and as well as what crapbucket said, this 16 year old has got in to the habit of feeling brave when his older brother was around to go places with him. This is completely natural and it's lovely that he has his older brother. But he may be dealing with the additional realisation right now that although they're in it together at home, basically, you're on your own kid, in the big scary world. My son doesn't have an older brother, and he can be the same, passive, never organising anything. I know it's a pain but you can't change them in to a different type of personality. I tried a bit, very gently. Never got me anywhere, my son always stayed exactly in his comfort zone. Luckily though a few people he knew were joining the gym. they all exchange a flurry of texts to make sure they're there at the same time. None of them would GO ALONE!

You need him to cook once a week. Don't you? Provide recipe if necessary. Errands with money for treats also good. Does he have piles of old lego that need sorting out or do you have a cellar/shed that needs tidying? Any way you can compel him to come somewhere with you then leave him to it for a bit? Exercise might work if it's tracked on an app or fitbit? Good luck!

I have a 16 and 14 year old DS and I don't organise any holiday activities for either now.
I think you are probably over personalising the classic teen "my problems are your fault" vibe! If you'd organised something then he'd probably be saying it was your fault too that he had no spare time.
If you want to do things for him then stop suggesting things and just take him to the cinema/walk etc with no options of not going. Mine never want to do that thing but always enjoy it

I'd sit down with him and list up:

Study - what subjects he's doing at school/college (or about to start studying), and a timetable for studying.

Household tasks - he should be taking on his share of chores.

A part-time job of some kind.

Confidence and social skills are like muscles. They get stronger when you use them. Failure to use them causes them to atrophy. I know it's tough for shy kids, but he needs to get out there. Help him set some small goals to start with and then build up.

I started my career at 16 - I can't imagine my mum organising anything for me during the summer before I started work.

Let him get on with making his own plans but be welcoming if he chooses to join in with yours.

Mine always seemed to want to come out if food was involved.