Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

Yes, we are suggesting that. Everyone should be financially responsible for their families. Split the responsibilities however you like, but it's down to both parents.

So I will be doing the exact same amount of childcare + a full time job.

Why can't you get a part time job?

I think the dh is being unrealistic here, they won't get a council house, and private renting is a crazy idea. Maybe he is worried about paying the bills but unless the op is highly skilled its unlikely that she will earn enough to even cover the childcare let alone contribute to the bills. And i would bet my house that even if op works full time she will still be doing all the cooking and cleaning, paying for the childcare, and ending up not a penny better off.

You are 100% right

FFS

2 of her children are in school and she's said that the 3 year old goes to nursery some of the time so yes she has time to work, she's currently spending all her time doing housework and cooking, no one can convince me that with all the kids out of the house there's hours worth of cleaning and cooking to do everyday.

You’re confused and teary because people don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a grown woman to get a job?

Right. 🙄

@FadeAwayAndRadiate could i ask whether you have boys? would you be happy watching them
work themselves into the ground to care for their family if his other half could contribute a little through some paid work?

and what if you have a great provider but they get ill/loose their jobs? would you really never look to helping out getting money into the family?

genuinely interested in your view as it is so opposite to how i see the world.

You would be better off staying put than private rent or even downsizing if possible.

OP, you genuinely want us to believe you spend 6-8 hours every weekday cooking and cleaning? Come off it.

I don't know where the op lives but round my way part time term time jobs are harder to find than hen's teeth.

I access people don't agree with me.

I don't think it's necessary for people to attack me and call me an entitled gold digger.

I can accept*

It may be that your husband is useless, cannot hold down a job etc.

However, I must say that you are coming across as very very naive, so I want to set you straight on a few facts.

The cost of mortgages is going up astronomically in this country at the moment. The cost of food and other essentials is also rising very high and very fast. You say that things are tight at the moment but you still have enough money, but it is quite likely that the full impact of these changes has not hit your family yet - for example, your mortgage may go up even higher, or it may be that you are on a fixed rate mortgage which will go up a LOT when the current period comes to an end.

I suspect that your husband may NOT be being horrible or unreasonable. Lots of people - including lots of south Asian women - are in exactly the same situation. They will have to get a job in order for their family to survive. This is what the cost of living crisis is all about. Most European women are already working (and.or panicking about finances).

You will be a complete fool if you sell your house and start renting in the current climate. Renting puts you in an even more vulnerable position. And no, council houses are NOT out there for the asking. You would probably get SOMEWHERE to live, eventually, as you have young children, but the somewhere is quite likely to be one or two rooms between you all in a B & B. You would have the lowest possible priority of all families as you had made yourself intentionally homeless by selling up.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you do not seem to understand the society you are living in or how it works at all. If you are struggling financially, yes you need to get a job. THIS is what being a team is about, not just relying on your husband to bring in money. Try reading some more threads on here about how people are struggling, with women working and looking after kids.

As a SA woman myself who works all the hours God sends, I'm calling bullshit on you OP- it's stereotype upon stereotype in your posts. Of course you can and should fucking work- culture or no culture. You're just being an arse.

This.

OP’s partner is totally unreliable and does absolutely nothing with his three very young kids… yet the OP is the selfish one? Unbelievable!!

OP, you really need to decide what you want. Your husband has said that he is feeling too much pressure to be the only provider, you must listen to him. Yes you are a team, so you must be a team player too. If he is saying that he doesn't think his wage is enough and that you may lose the house unless there is more money coming in, you should listen to him.
You can either leave him and be a stay at home mum on universal credit or stay with him and find another solution. That might be moving to a smaller house or cheaper area. That might be you working. That might be seeing what help is out there, could you get an interest only few years on your mortgage, not sure if this still exists, but you would have to have a plan to pay it off.
Consider night shifts if you don't want to miss time with your children. If you work your husband will have to help more with childcare, cooking and cleaning.

Your husband is an unreliable provider.
you have no marketable skills
you have 3 children relying on you

the absolute best thing you could do for yourself and your children is to find a career. Having a stable income will benefit the whole family and it will give you power on a relationship that may currently be unbalanced.

if your husband doesn’t work a 9-5 job, then he likely can fit his schedule to do his share of the child ferrying. Many fathers who don’t do shift work also manage to adjust their schedules to cover their fair share of child responsibilities.

I’m from the same culture as OP and pretty sure I’m a LOT older than her, women not working is not the norm in my circle of family and friends.

but they don't get the luxury of that as their family needs a roof over their heads
In any case - sone marriages don't last forever

My mum was widowed when my sister & I were a toddler and 8 months old. I’m so glad she didn’t have the OP’s mindset otherwise we definitely would have ended up on the streets! My dad had started his own business just before he died so no pensions, insurance for mum just his debt. She worked her butt off and taught us to be strong, independent individuals that can take care of ourselves.

That's a job.

Exactly! I don't have any qualification that is relevant to anything I could do right now.
I would have to g back to education and I can't afford that

I think you cannot see the wood for the trees! You are focusing on one issue but ignoring the general state of your relationship.
Your husband sounds controlling and deluded. How on earth does he think you will be given a council house. Unless you are truly homeless through no fault of your own you won't even be accepted onto the list let alone given a tenancy. Your other option is private rental which would be madness if you're able to (just) afford your mortgage. Rentals are £1000+pcm and there's no security. Not that you have security with your husband.
It's your marriage so lm not going to suggest leaving him however you do need to take some responsibility too. If you feel unable to work for a few years you need to start laying the foundations for a career when the children are older, so research training options. Start small then progress. Involve your OH in these plans and if he knows there is 'light at the end of the tunnel' he may be able to apply himself better. At the moment it seems like he's panicking or just giving up. Reassure him you are both on the same side and he just needs to hang on in there until the kids are a bit older. Don't give up on your home, you'll regret it and may never get back on the housing ladder.

So you don't have a daughter to set a good example to, but you have 3 sons to teach good work ethics and to show them that women are equals and entirely capable of being not only s nurturing mother but a financial provider.

If your youngest is at nursery already you need to get a job.
The cost of everything has rocketed recently.
Everyone is trying to save and earn more and spend less.
You will never get a council house if you sell your home.
Private renting is insecure and expensive.
You need to do everything you can to keep paying your mortgage.
Do you know how much the mortgage, energy bills, house insurance, grocery bills have increased recently?
I just renewed my house insurance and the cheapest I could get is nearly 3 times last year's bill. I spent a couple of hours today going through the household expenses to see what could be stopped or reduced. It is actually quite frightening.

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime

To be fair children are only in school 6 hours a day 5 days a week 9 months a year. There's still 3 months worth of full time childcare needed.

Boo-hoo. You are so RUDE!