Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

Probably because that's how his culture is 🤣

Never hear of legal studies at college. So back to the original question then. College courses are usually 2 years so did you not have any sort of job between 18 and getting married?

I didn't get paid, it was something I would do every now and then to help out rather than something consistent with a wage and pre-determined working hours

Unfortunately it's getting harder and harder for a family to live off one income. I was a Stay at home mam but I had to get a job in a hotel bar last year to help pay the bills. I work 1 or 2 nights a week and weekends as my partner works during the week. That way we don't have to pay for childcare.

Not only has it helped us financially but I definitely feel more confident and happier having a bit of time away from the house. Why don't you try a weekend job?

I agree about the private rental/council house idea being ridiculous but that doesn’t mean the work idea is too - as posted previously a teaching assistant job is within school hours, so no wraparound needed and would give an extra £16k-£18k a year….the youngest would be entitled to 30 hrs funding so minimal extra cost there too - OP would still have holidays off and finish at 3pm so would make the cooking etc not so tough….they’re crying out for teaching assistants and no qualifications needed

Op in your family, do none of the women work?
Just about covering the bills is a tough life, don't you want more for your family than that?
What's up with your dh that he keeps losing his jobs? He needs to be responsible for being a reliable provider for his family and you could find a part time job to top up your finances.
Working in schools is a good idea. That way you don't have to worry about childcare over the holidays.
You're probably quite young too so could train in something you want to do.

OP's husband doesn't sound like the type who does a lot around the house, or pulls his weight with the children either. Men who are useless financially/mean with money are usually useless, and lacking in other departments as well. OP will be fine with just her and the kids most of the week. Her DH needs to work more, and earn more money. Not her. (As some have suggested - including her husband!) Not with 3 little ones under 8. FFS!

What's more, who is going to look after the children? At LEAST one of them is not at school yet, and the kids are off half the bloody year on holiday. What about sick time? 3 kids.... there will often be sick days, or reasons they can't go to school. The fees they will have to pay out for them, and the extra expenses of her going to work will probably wipe out her wages.

I imagine the posters thinking she should 'go out to work!' have been forced out themselves! Either by their partner, or because their partner has left them, or because they don't have a partner!

Ignore the people berating you on here @namechanged808 As I said, the ones berating you for not wanting to go out and get a 'paid' job are very likely just bitter because they HAVE to go out to work! And they're projecting.

He changed his mind because interest rates have gone up MASSIVELY in the past year, along with energy costs and just general costs.

So now you need to pull your weight as well.

You have said it yourself that you have zero money spare at the end of the month.

Get a job. Things have changed and you cannot afford to not work, as sad as that might be.

Please get a job, OP, never rely on anyone but yourself. You are extremely vulnerable, and that is why he feels like he can give you an ultimatum. I am saying this as someone who comes from a similar background to you. A lot of women go to work and look after their children and homes. It's hard but manageable.

Nobody called you a gold digger. You misunderstood (or pretended to misunderstand) one post which stated that you weren’t a gold digger. Please stop pretending that’s a ‘backlash’ because being aghast at that is easier than engaging with what’s being said to you.

Just wondering a couple of things have you checked benefits calculator. It's called turn to us . Because its only your partner working . Plus you have children you may be entitled to some top up benefits.

Childcare wise are you entitled to help with the cost. Or would you be basically working to pay for childcare.

Very hard to find. But have you thought about a job in a school. Maybe in the school kitchen or something like that . That then works around the children and school holidays.

If you have always been at home. I should imagine its quite scary for you.

Care jobs aren't rare. They train on the job.
My sister works in at home care and earns £14.50 an hour with no qualifications and can as little or many hours as she wants. Full time it's a decent enough wage but you can drop hours during school holidays etc and make a difference to people.

Reality check
if you sell your house, you will be entitled to zero financial help from the government until you have spent virtually all the equity that you have accumulated.
Secondly, council houses are rarer than hens teeth, children are being taken into care because there is no accommodation available.
Thirdly, the private rental sector is insane atm. In order to rent, your annual income needs to be a minimum of 30x the monthly rent. The equity you have in your bank will not count, unless it is enough for the interest to cover the cost. Ie. If you find a house that costs £1,000/ month, your income needs to be at least £30,000/ year. That COULD include the interest earned from your bank balance.
If you can’t afford the mortgage, then you have little choice but to get a job.
If your husband resents you being a SAHM parent, while he works to support that life style, then you risk losing your marriage if you refuse to find work.

I know, I've worked full time since my child was 9 month old, paid childcare bills that were double my mortgage and juggled annual leave, unpaid working and holiday clubs to manage school holidays.

That still doesn't stop the OP from working 4 hrs a day 4 days a week to add over £700 a month to the household income (assuming min wage job) without needing any extra childcare.

To be fair if I was in your position I'd go back to work even if it's part-time.

Like others have said, your 3 year old is entitled a few hours every week at nursery during term time. I know it must be a hard decision and you seem like someone who enjoys being at home with her little ones ❤️ however you do need to sacrifice if you want to keep your own home. I've been renting all my life and i am not able to afford to get on the property ladder. Also, council properties are so so hard to come by, my friend with 2 children was given a flat to live in only 1 bedroom. Had mice issues and it was quite a rough neighbourhood for the kids, they ended up moving to a house only now 6 years after joining the council house register and constantly bidding. It's not as easy as it sounds and your partner seems to downplay how easy it is getting a council house. My partner was the same until I told him politely to do one and explained that we're looking at YEARS of waiting.

Don't give up your children's stability, just get a job even if it's part time and at least he doesn't have anything to moan about

I’d see if you can work at the cash and carry as a paid job in the first instance. Then something like a dinner lady to wade you into work. 2 hours a day, term time only and you’re contributing some money to the household. You’re probably apprehensive about the prospect of working but it will give you confidence and could be rewarding.

@Deadringer

I think the dh is being unrealistic here, they won't get a council house, and private renting is a crazy idea. Maybe he is worried about paying the bills but unless the op is highly skilled its unlikely that she will earn enough to even cover the childcare let alone contribute to the bills. And i would bet my house that even if op works full time she will still be doing all the cooking and cleaning, paying for the childcare, and ending up not a penny better off.

100% this.

I find it both hilarious - and depressing in equal measures that some posters are simply not getting this. No fucking WAY should the OP have to go out to work because her husband is a lame provider. He needs to get his act together!

I don't think her children, as young as they are, will really see things like that! They'd rather just have their mother around.

But yeah, COL going up, unreliable husband, it sounds like she needs to at least be open to trying to find work and helping to pay the bills. Stacking shelves is okay for thousands and people, but not OP?

Meet him halfway and get a part time job for the next year then see what happens. 3yo can go to nursery 30hrs a week if you're both at work but personally I'd send them 3 days a week and have 2 days at home. They're only young once and you'll never get that time back. I know its scary as im a SAHM to 5 kids. I'd like to work but my job doesn't actually exist anymore and I'm unsure what to do next. You have your incentive and thats the house.
You say you can cloth the children but that could mean in designer clothes and not from primark or supermarkets. I can barely afford to cloth mine let alone get myself anything. I basically choose to go without so I can go on holiday. Good luck

You need to sit down and go through your budget together.

List income and outgoings and get clear about where the perceived shortfall is.

Might it be that, although you say you can afford the basics, your partner feels it might be nice to afford a little bit more for your family?

With you bringing in just a bit more, perhaps just a few hundred a month, the onus will not just be on him to shoulder the responsibility of making sure the basics are covered.

If you contributed something to the financial pot, he might be able to take his foot off the gas and also enjoy more time in your shared home, just like you do ‐perhaps even dropping a day at work? We did this when our DC were little; both went to 4 days a week, working around each other, and both getting more time to enjoy our home and our children.

thenightsky, OP might be able to work around her partner's work hours; many couples do this in order to avoid paying out extra for childcare.

Why is it just the husband's job to be 'the provider'? Because he's a man? That's pretty sexist. It's just as much her responsibility to provide for the children and keep a roof over their head.

Jesus wept!

I didn't call you a gold digger! How can you be a gold digger if you've married a bloke that can't hold down a fairly low paid job?!

I think you only want to hear what you want to hear and everything else you will twist so you can play the victim.

Get a Joh, don't get a job - either way your marriage sounds doomed and your children will be the ones to suffer.

Thank you @CobraKaiNeverLoses

Only on Mumsnet do children have to go for 500 appointments a week, rendering the mum completely unable to get a job in case she has to take young Barry to the chiropodist on Tuesday.

OP, you have three choices:

Sell your house and buy or rent one you can afford

Default on the mortgage and have your house repossessed by the bank - you might be eligible for rented/HA then

Get a job.

Only being able to cover the basics is a very precarious way to live - what if the boiler breaks down or the car needs a repair or you have to travel to support a sick relative? Thanks to the cost of living crisis my mortgage has increased by £300 a month and my fuel bill by £230 a month - that puts a huge strain on finances, but there are two of us taking the hit so we can manage it. At the moment you DH is shouldering the full brunt of these increases - he must be worried sick.

Your youngest is 3 and your other two are school age, so you have free nursery hours and can work during the day. You have retail experience so look at the local supermarket for hours between 9.30am-2.30pm or evening/weekend shifts. Even on minimum wage you would be bringing in an extra £800 a month which could make a huge difference to your family.

"I didn't get paid, it was something I would do every now and then to help out rather than something consistent with a wage and pre-determined working hours"

It doesn't matter if you got paid or not, you've got experience right there. Put that on your cv. If you want a job in a school, go and volunteer in your kids school for a while. Build up some experience and it can lead to a job.