Page 8 | Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

namechanged808 · 2023-08-08T22:04:48+00:00

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house. I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7. He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house. I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children. My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house. I don't know what to do

Crapsummer · 08/08/2023 23:53

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:06

Even if we sell it and move to a relative in between?

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Sorry I have read the thread yet. So just replying to this post .

It won't work that way. When you apply for council they want to know where yiu have lived for the past 6 years. Abd who you left that property . You will also have money from the sale. So you won't even get on the list.

Busubaba · 08/08/2023 23:53

This is the U.K.

Maybe it works in your culture in a foreign country where it is the norm and peoples lifestyles are different to the U.K. with less expectation on women to be independent and to only aspire to being a housewife all of their lives.

Nothing wrong with being a housewife I may add, if finances are ok.

But you are in the U.K., your finances are not ok and you have to adapt to our way of life and that means helping your family by getting a job, even a part time job.

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 08/08/2023 23:54

The OP's children are 3, 5, and 7. Are people REALLY suggesting she gets off her arse and gets a JOB? Because her husband is a poor provider??? She HAS a job. A full time mother, wife, and homemaker. People on here are banging on like the kids are 10 years older.

I would find any man who I had given THREE children to, who are all under 8, whining at me to get a job - because his earnings were not enough to look after his family - DEEPLY unattractive. I would question this relationship truth be told. I would be looking into selling up, moving into the relative's home that the OP mentioned - (or her parents,) and setting up a life of my own without him. OP would get all kinds of help from benefits, and her husband would be forced to give financial help too, and would have to look after his own kids 2-3 days a week.

This is literally alien to me. I can't imagine for a second my husband telling me to piss off out to work to bring more money in, or he'll put the house up for sale. He would have got a better job, or an EXTRA job to bring more money in As it happens I carried on working part time and we were OK financially, but like fuck would I have tolerated him demanding I go to work full time because he was a shit provider.

@namechanged808 Your DH needs to earn more. As I said, you HAVE a job FFS! It's not your fault he is a poor earner, (and a poor provider.) Tell him to do better! Do better for his family!

kitsuneghost · 08/08/2023 23:54

I have worked with many South Asian women. Many with children too. Blaming it on culture is just a you thing.
Besides you are born and brought up in the UK so UK culture belongs to you as much as South Asian.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 08/08/2023 23:54

What's stopping you getting a part time job?

justasking111 · 08/08/2023 23:54

CobraKaiNeverLoses · 08/08/2023 23:51

I’m having some difficulty believing anyone is quite this clueless. Is this a windup?

I'm beginning to wonder, school holidays and all that. 😂

fridaynight1 · 08/08/2023 23:55

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:06

Even if we sell it and move to a relative in between?

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No because you will be making yourselves intentionally homeless. They won’t even put you on the list.

HalfMoon34 · 08/08/2023 23:55

The earlier suggestion of a TA (Teaching Assistant) job is a good one - no qualifications needed and the work is within school hours so you can still do drop off and pick up and it’s term time only so no holiday clubs needed. The salary is usually £16k- £18k entry level so most will be tax free for you (as within your personal allowance) giving you an extra £1,200-£1,400 a month. You should also be entitled to 30 hours funding per week in term time in Scotland for your 3 year old, so childcare costs should be really low. They’re crying out for teaching assistants - where we live there’s a real cultural mix of teaching assistants too.

alszq · 08/08/2023 23:55

How odd

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2023 23:55

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:13

To be honest at the end of the month we don't have any money left, but we can afford to pay our bills, cloth the children and buy grocery

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How do you clothe yourself? Your husband? What about if the boiler breaks or the kids spill paint on the carpet? Holidays? Netflix? Saving for old age?

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 23:56

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 08/08/2023 23:54

The OP's children are 3, 5, and 7. Are people REALLY suggesting she gets off her arse and gets a JOB? Because her husband is a poor provider??? She HAS a job. A full time mother, wife, and homemaker. People on here are banging on like the kids are 10 years older.

I would find any man who I had given THREE children to, who are all under 8, whining at me to get a job - because his earnings were not enough to look after his family - DEEPLY unattractive. I would question this relationship truth be told. I would be looking into selling up, moving into the relative's home that the OP mentioned - (or her parents,) and setting up a life of my own without him. OP would get all kinds of help from benefits, and her husband would be forced to give financial help too, and would have to look after his own kids 2-3 days a week.

This is literally alien to me. I can't imagine for a second my husband telling me to piss off out to work to bring more money in, or he'll put the house up for sale. He would have got a better job, or an EXTRA job to bring more money in As it happens I carried on working part time and we were OK financially, but like fuck would I have tolerated him demanding I go to work full time because he was a shit provider.

@namechanged808 Your DH needs to earn more. As I said, you HAVE a job FFS! It's not your fault he is a poor earner, (and a poor provider.) Tell him to do better! Do better for his family!

That's not a job.

JanieEyre · 08/08/2023 23:56

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 08/08/2023 23:54

The OP's children are 3, 5, and 7. Are people REALLY suggesting she gets off her arse and gets a JOB? Because her husband is a poor provider??? She HAS a job. A full time mother, wife, and homemaker. People on here are banging on like the kids are 10 years older.

I would find any man who I had given THREE children to, who are all under 8, whining at me to get a job - because his earnings were not enough to look after his family - DEEPLY unattractive. I would question this relationship truth be told. I would be looking into selling up, moving into the relative's home that the OP mentioned - (or her parents,) and setting up a life of my own without him. OP would get all kinds of help from benefits, and her husband would be forced to give financial help too, and would have to look after his own kids 2-3 days a week.

This is literally alien to me. I can't imagine for a second my husband telling me to piss off out to work to bring more money in, or he'll put the house up for sale. He would have got a better job, or an EXTRA job to bring more money in As it happens I carried on working part time and we were OK financially, but like fuck would I have tolerated him demanding I go to work full time because he was a shit provider.

@namechanged808 Your DH needs to earn more. As I said, you HAVE a job FFS! It's not your fault he is a poor earner, (and a poor provider.) Tell him to do better! Do better for his family!

Since when was it impossible for someone with three children to get a job, let alone as outrageous as you suggest? I managed it. And why being a SAHM a full time job when the children are all in nursery or school?

Original poster

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:56

OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 08/08/2023 23:51

Yeah weird posts. Odd that someone brought up in the uk with qualifications would be like this.

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When I said "college" I meant where you go when you are 16 not university, I took up legal studies

OP posts:

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 08/08/2023 23:56

Op there will be options out there as others have said. You don't have to do a full time role. It could be something locally / part time/ in school hours.

I don't think this is the issue here. The issue is twofold.

You not wanting to look for a job so you are putting obstacles in the way before you have even looked at the possibilities

And also that you seem hell bent of clinging to the ideals of 'marriage being a team, mums in my culture not working/ I'll miss out on seeing the DCs' etc without acknowledging that you might lose the roof over your head.

MhairiLynette · 08/08/2023 23:57

What driving licence does your DH have OP? My DH has his class 1 (HGV) licence and was earning between £700 and £900 a week after tax doing general haulage. That did however include him doing trunking (running from 1 depot to another and back in a shift) and tramping (staying away all week sleeping in the truck). It would potentially put a lot more strain on you though.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2023 23:57

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:18

The children already go to nursery and school.
The rest is exactly what worries me, I know he won't help with childcare whatsoever. He works evening and nights most of the time.

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He works evenings and weekends so os home relaxing / asleep in the week /days or he works a full week and does evenings and weekends as extra?

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 08/08/2023 23:57

@namechanged808 "The thing is he will not help with childcare.
So I will be doing the exact same amount of childcare + a full time job.
I understand some single mums don't have a choice, but when you are married I estimate you are a team."

Why full time?

Part time could fit around nursery/school/DHs hours meaning no extra childcare costs, just extra income.

You have a personal allowance of around £12k before you start paying tax. Minimum wage is £10.42 an hour so if you worked 16 hours a week you'd bring in an extra £722 a month to the household.

Jules198711 · 08/08/2023 23:57

I don't get this. You have to get a job. You say you've always wanted to be a sahm. Yeah that would be the dream, I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old, I'd love to be a sahm whilst they are young. But I also need to pay for thier home, food, clothes, life! So I have a job..as does my husband. As does the majority of mothers. Get a job. :)

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2023 23:58

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:25

I haven't worked. I got married very young, 21.

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So what did you do from 18 to when you had your first child?

Original poster

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:58

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 08/08/2023 23:54

The OP's children are 3, 5, and 7. Are people REALLY suggesting she gets off her arse and gets a JOB? Because her husband is a poor provider??? She HAS a job. A full time mother, wife, and homemaker. People on here are banging on like the kids are 10 years older.

I would find any man who I had given THREE children to, who are all under 8, whining at me to get a job - because his earnings were not enough to look after his family - DEEPLY unattractive. I would question this relationship truth be told. I would be looking into selling up, moving into the relative's home that the OP mentioned - (or her parents,) and setting up a life of my own without him. OP would get all kinds of help from benefits, and her husband would be forced to give financial help too, and would have to look after his own kids 2-3 days a week.

This is literally alien to me. I can't imagine for a second my husband telling me to piss off out to work to bring more money in, or he'll put the house up for sale. He would have got a better job, or an EXTRA job to bring more money in As it happens I carried on working part time and we were OK financially, but like fuck would I have tolerated him demanding I go to work full time because he was a shit provider.

@namechanged808 Your DH needs to earn more. As I said, you HAVE a job FFS! It's not your fault he is a poor earner, (and a poor provider.) Tell him to do better! Do better for his family!

Thank you xx
I am confused and frankly feeling a bit teary about all the backlash I am receiving

OP posts:

ballsdeep · 08/08/2023 23:59

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 23:56

That's not a job.

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Exactly!!!! So do all the women on here who have full time jobs and children have two jobs?!?

honestly, every day I get more and more shocked but the ridiculousness of some posters! And the entitlement

Original poster

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:59

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2023 23:58

So what did you do from 18 to when you had your first child?

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I helped my dad run his cash and carry

OP posts:

Greenshake · 08/08/2023 23:59

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 08/08/2023 23:54

What's stopping you getting a part time job?

Absolutely nothing, she just doesn’t want to and will use any excuse she can to avoid it. It’s very worrying people still think like this.

monsteramunch · 08/08/2023 23:59

When I said "college" I meant where you go when you are 16 not university, I took up legal studies

So what did you do from age 18 when you finished college to age 21 when you got married?

Mariposista · 08/08/2023 23:59

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:45

My youngest is only 3. If I go back to work I won't be home until 5 or 6. I'm going to miss out on so much

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Oh boo hoo!
Get a job. So work-shy.