Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

Hi OP
Things change and you are being asked to get paid work and contribute financially to the family to keep your home and have some quality of life.

Financial stress is awful and really can impact a persons mental health including the children who grow up in these circumstances.

What you see as a crisis now you may view as an opportunity in the future, this is the path to independence and choices for you.

It may seem like replies are harsh but ppl are simply pointing out the accepted reality for the majority of families 2 incomes are needed to support a family of 5.

all the best

Yes and it’s my right to feel deeply irritated that people are encouraged to live off others because they ‘don’t want to work’. What would happen if everyone did that?

Get a job, yes you want to be a stay at home mum which I understand but your kids are at school and nursery now. Even a little part time job to help out with your financial situation. Your husband is under a lot of pressure to support 5 people financially on his own and it’s only going to get harder for him

Yes you do have that right to

What would happen if 30% of the workforce decided to quit work and claim benefits instead?

I have a colleague who is south asian but doesn't contribute to her pension (and opts out of the automatic enrolment) because she told me south asians don't believe in pensions. This is just her opinion and may not be reflective of the whole community but i have never heard of this except from her. She would get state pension though i suppose.

You need 35 years of contributions to get full state pension, so unless she's prepared to work she won't be entitled to the full amount.

@Solonge , I have come across this cultural attitude actually . I am a white, British woman and my old line manager was a first generation British born South Asian man. He once told me that, in his culture, women raised the children and kept house , and men were the breadwinner, and that he didn't allow his wife to work until their youngest was 16. (I told him that I'd never asked my husband's permission to go to work...)

So yes, I know of this approach. And maybe it's ok if it works. But in your case it doesn't work, and your husband has asked you to look for paid work. Yes, it's likely to come with restrictions or costs related to childcare, which he will have to accept, However, you will have to accept that having a stay-at-home parent is an enormous luxury that is increasingly out of reach for all but the wealthiest of families.

I can’t work and am a sahm as I’m autistic and also a carer for my autistic dc. I’ve had to really budget in other areas so we can maintain this as it is the only thing that works for our family at the current time . It’s not ideal but manageable. If you look at your finances can you cut back anywhere, if not you may be stuck with no choice

OP at the start of this thread I was prepared to write a sympathetic post about the cost of living increases and how you need to step up and look for a job (even part time) to help keep the roof over your heads. But given your updates about how your husband can't (won't?) hold onto jobs, I'd consider it even more imperative that you build up a career for yourself so that you can provide for yourself and your DC. I do get that it goes against your culture (I grew up in Ireland in the '70s when it was the norm for women to stay home with their kids). From your perspective, you're fulfilling your role (tending to the house and caring for your children) but he's not fulfilling his (being the breadwinner). And I understand your reservations that he won't step up and do more around the house because of his cultural background - that it won't come naturally to him to clean and cook and care for the children properly etc. He will see this as women's work.

The thing is, if you don't look for work, what are your prospects?

• You can't afford to pay for your home so you lose it
• You have to move in with family or rent privately and be at the whim of a landlord(s) who can evict you whenever it suits them
• Your DH resents you for not contributing financially and leaves you anyway

What would you prefer to happen?

There's no point in comparing yourself to friends and family members.

Your posts suggest that you really resent your DH for putting you in this position. But not working is perpetuating your dependence on him.

She might opt out of her workplace pension, but surely nobody's fzfg enough not to get their NI along with their child benefit because they 'don't believe in pensions'!

Why would you sell a house to rent?! Crazy. You should get a job but with small ones would need to work around school and nursery could be prohibitive. Might have to be something evenings or weekend

Yes, but her youngest is 3, she's still got another 9 years before that will kick in.

You need to sit down together and look through options. A council house is a no go. You would never be offered one. Private renting would be much more expensive than a mortgage. Try showing him rightmove homes for rent and he'll likely be shocked! Make sure you check if you can receive any benefits, but bear in mind they expect you to look for work (part time with hours rising until your children reach a certain age then you have to go full time).

Look at the cost of childcare (wraparound, holiday clubs and nursery). The cost would wipe out your wages.

How about trying to find a part time job that fits around your husband's hours, so you can avoid paying for child care. A few evenings a week or weekends?

Also make sure he's aware that if you have to get a job, then the perks of having a stay at home wife stop too. Housework, cooking, childcare and the mental load will be more fairly distributed.

That's not the case . There's no point on the what ifs . That could be argued all day long there's just no pont.

Things swing in roundabouts. Alot of familys in work are still entitled to UC/benefits. Also can get help with childcare. People get upset about their tax going to people not in work . But in actual fact tax payer's are often paying more for that person to work .

I don't know why I wrote that to be honest because people won't hear it anyway. Thinks are just black and white for people

You got married young and had three children. You chose this. Circumstances change and your husband is asking you to work a bit. You are so reluctant.

So you are considering going homeless rather than get a job?

Even very wealthy people I know can’t afford one to stay at home. It’s a total luxury. I’m sorry you are only finding all of this out now.

You might be able to do something from home - crafts, bake cakes for a market stall. I haven't rtft but I am picking up you are South Asian. Do you have language skills you could give private lessons for? Either improving English or teaching south Asian languages.

Confused to why you can’t get a part time job working during school hours or evenings in a shop. Lots of shops offer low hour contracts.

Why can’t you do that? Places will also be starting to recruit for temporary staff for over Christmas etc soon as well. Why not start with a temporary role for a few months and see how you get on?

It’s bizarre to me you think you shouldn’t work at all. I have young kids as well (3 and 4) and I work three days a week. I see plenty of my kids!

Sorry but I'm a single mum of 6, I work 2 low paid shop jobs, I'm far far from well off, and I do literally everything around the house. My children were my choice. I have a child with special needs. I would love to be a stay at home mum. It's definitely a job on its own but good grief woman!! Get a job! If he works nights/evenings get a job in the day while they are at school nursery. You need to take some responsibility for your choices not wallow. To be honest getting a job will improve most aspects of your life not just financially. If you're barely making ends meet then you need to step up, why wouldn't you want to improve your life and that of your children's and get some security and be able to afford more in life? This is just an insane post

I haven't read the whole thread, couple of points

I went back to work when my DC were 7 months old. Not everyone has the luxury to be a SAHM and a lot of people on here will see it as a luxury which is why you are getting such grief

You say you are in Scotland and your parents are too far away in England - it's not the other side of the world, 12 hours away

Have you done any research to see how much private renting is and present that information to your husband? I am sure he will soon see that private renting is way more expensive than a mortgage and if you do sell any equity in the house will soon be eaten up. Also depending on the amount of the equity you may not be entitled to many benefits for a while. Make an appointment with Citizens Advice Bureau for their help. Also could you take a short mortgage break?

You will not get a council house, they have people on their lists who are living in B&B's and hotels and have been for years

Good luck

Sounds to me that your husband is very stressed with finances and being the sole worker and until you are in a better financial position you should get a job.

Do whatever you can to keep your house. If that means taking on a parttime school hours job, so be it. Perhaps a TA, dinner lady, librarian at a school?

Op has something happened to your finances that is different? Is he in debt? Gambling?

Why is he piling on the pressure now?

Is the ultimatum out of spite? or is it that you need to get a job or you wont be able to make the mortgage payments?