Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

Why is everybody placing all the responsibility on the husband ? He’s grown tired of working for a woman who’s never worked a day in her life I don’t blame him at all ! Sorry but you cannot possibly criticise this man’s work life when you have never worked. Maybe he’s struggling but you don’t seem to care as long as he keeps bringing your money in! I think the op is selfish entitled and frankly disgsuting. Get a job stop being so lazy and support your poor dh

Are you reading the thread? Almost everyone has told OP she needs to work.

Your DH can't just voluntarily leave his job and expect to claim benefits. The system doesn't work like that. Just as he can't just sell the house and expect to get a council house.
You both sound very uninformed about how things work.
You really need to follow the advice on here, OP, and sit down with your husband and go through the whole family budget. Check whether you are on the mortgage and the deeds. Are you joint tenants or tenants in common? Do you own 50% of the property or less?
Have you got life insurance? Wills?
Please wake up and get on top of the finances, get a job.

I expect, like the rest of us, the household expenses have all doubled.

The problem with the cultural/ religious expectation that the man's role is ABC and the woman's role is DEF, is that not all all men are competent enough to take on all of the financial responsibility (and not all women are content to restrict themselves to household duties).

I guess in traditional societies the wider family would step in to support, but in the UK, adults - male and female - are expected to be educated, to contribute financially and to he generally self-sufficient. It is quite a lonely setup, but I pity a man who has to carry the full responsibility for big financial decisions like buying a house or having children because they are 'expected' by the wife. I also feel sorry for a wife who can do nothing but cross her fingers and hope she picked a goodun.

I’m seeing loads of posts saying how terrible her dh is for not holding down jobs and working more hours and being more financially responsible etc and I’m flabbergasted he’s being criticised and called financially abusive while she isn’t

wow. I don't know what to say OP. Your DH sounds like he is at his wits end asking you to help financially. There are lost of terms time, part-time and school hour jobs available. He's likely "demanding" and "threatening" because you haven't been willing to listen to anything else. I'd love to not work and spend all my free time with my kids but it's my responsibility to keep a roof over their heads as much as it is my DH.

Get a grip! We can't always get what we want.

I'd love to 'get you started' on your casual xenophobia aimed at refugees and asylum seekers. Are you genuinely against the most vulnerable and at risk people, who have often fled torture and terror, being chucked out of the hostels and barges that even this government puts them in (when not telling them to 'fuck off back to France').....or is it just some casual Daily Mail moronic group think that you haven't actually thought through?
I don't think anyone who has fled for example Saydnaya Prison ( a Syrian regime torture centre), or sexual slavery in Iraq should be below the OP on the council house list, just because she can't be arsed to work. Even if they came here on a small boat, just because there are very limited legal safe routes into the UK.

Why on earth did you plan a life as a sahp ans have 3 kids with a man who can't hold down a job?

In your situation I would do a part time college course. Get some skills. It won't very long and your youngest will he in school all day. You need to learn a skill so you can be independent and provide for yourself. Working will give you optiond so you can save and leave him if you want to.

putting aside the obvious flaws in the communication within your relationship and whatever cultural expectations there are at the end of the day you can no longer afford as a family to the paying the mortgage so you either need to:

• reduce your outgoings but it doesnt sound like you are living a frivolous lifestyle and cost of living is constantly increasing
• increase your income - either DH gets a better paid job, you get a job (lots of options - work from home, lunch dinner lady, shop etc etc) or some other kid of income. Depending on the job hours you may need to pay for childcare but as it sound like you are on a lowish income anyway you should get some tax credits towards that.

Have you thought about becoming a child minder? would negate the need for childcare. Or a cleaner - you would then be able to pick your hours around the kids school etc.

Unfortunately whatever your cultural customs are they are rooted in a different country where cost of living and jobs etc are based around this norm. you are livivng in the UK where no-one really gets the luxury of being a SAHM if they want to have a mortgage and a certain standard of living!!

There has been a handful and they've mostly been contradicted...I did one myself.

The overwhelming consensus is that OP needs to work.

Two separate issues. 1. You probably wouldn’t get a council house anyway. 2. You probably need to get a job, although please ensure he pulls his weight with the three children if you will have less time to shoulder that unpaid work in future. But basically, get a job.

The Op working though relies on her husband stepping up and doing childcare during the day and splitting of chores.

her working and doing everything and using childcare is not a good solution

@namechanged808 so sorry you are going through this. I think you are going to have to make some tough choices going forward. It sounds like you and your husband need to really try and have a constructive and open conversation. What can you both do for yourselves and your kids make your lifes better. Is he very stressed by providing finances? Are you scared of going to work, as you have only limited experience? All valid feelings. Can you both take some small steps I.e you start a very part time job and he looks for better work, so it is not too much at once. I think it is fine to divide tasks into traditionally male/female roles if you are both completely happy with it. But I think/hope you will feel happier and more empowered if you do some work, even just a few hours. And hopefully he can also embrace doing at least a bit of childcare (which would be good for the children too). Compromises, from both of you, and team work could build a good future for your family.

I think some people are being a bit harsh on the OP here. You went into the marriage expecting one thing, and it's not turned out how you'd hoped. It's time to put your big girl pants on, take control and go out and provide for your family, if your seemingly-useless husband won't.

I haven't read from page 11, where I got derailed by the casual xenophobia I've called out above. So sorry if the following has been mentioned BUT your husband struggling to hold down a job....might not be his fault. Delivery driving is acknowledged to be a really tough job- I know friend's sons who have started it and not lasted as it's such a tough gig. And I imagine your husband is on a zero hours contract. You haven't really worked so don't fully understand how tough working is- especially in a tough physical, low paid job. I teach- that's hard- but we get holidays and even at school we get the semblance of a proper lunchtime. I doubt your husband gets either. So maybe he is really irresponsible and can't hold down a job- or maybe he is just struggling in a really tough industry that spits people out. Only you- and really him- know the truth.
Do you want to stay with him? That's the real question? If he really is as useless as he seems, and you don't love him, you need to leave.
If you love him, as others have said, you need to have that serious discussion with him, and you absolutely need to get a job. Don't hide behind cultural stereotypes and- sorry if this is brutally honest- your own inadequacies, you MUST get a job. It will be so good for the mental health of everyone in your family, and probably save your marriage- and your house.
We are in the fortunate situation of actually having a flat we rent out- we are not greedy, and I know for a fact we are charging less than the market value- but the rent we receive is nearly DOUBLE the mortgage. That is insane. And we could charge more. Once you fall off the property ladder, that's it. You can't get back on.
And what's with the SA shit? I'm white British, and tbh I don't know many SA women. But from a short survey of those that I do:
One friend is a GP- no kids
One friend is teacher (part time) Three young children - one in nursery- two started primary
One neighbour works part time- two primary children.
Lots of countries and cultures had the idea that women don't work- but these ideas are now outdated. Anyway, you've lived in the UK all your live so you're British of South Asian origin. It's not as if you've just arrived from rural Bangladesh! I don't know if it's relevant but I've always admired India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka for the fact that these countries have often had women leaders.
As everyone says, costs have risen eg my car insurance just went up by £150 from last year, and I've had no accidents etc. All bills are on the up.
How much do you actually know about your family's finances? Can you log on right now and see your balance, and details about your mortgage? If not, why not? Does your husband stop you, or have you deskilled yourself?
Anyway, good luck, but for the love of everything get a job, or get a divorce, or both. But it sounds like your husband is shitting himself- please listen to him. Even if he is crap at childcare. You need to thrash all of this out.

Would you be happier moving back near your parents OP? Could work for your dad again as needed and have support with the children. The family back up doesn't exist in Scotland anymore if dh has fallen out with his family.

Think he needs to educate himself on how hard it is to get a council house. People who are already homeless put up in B&Bs from domestic violence and single parents are on average waiting three years.
You will be looking at a 6 to 8 year wait. You can't just demand one ..even if you make yourself homeless.. still be 6 to 8 years

well you've gotten yourself in a terrible situation - what if he either dies or leaves you - what will you do for money then

I think you could be right-having just spent 10 mins typing a reply!
But I hope you are right, surely nobody can really want to be a SAHM mum in these circumstances!

@randomuser2019 did you read MNHQ post about troll hunting a couple of pages back?

Culture is a false flag.
The reality is you need to work.
If you are only just managing that is not a safe position to be in.
i can understand the stress.
You need to get a job.
You claim to be UK ‚born and bred‘ therefore you understand that parents will do what it takes to ensure the stability of the kids in the Uk and in fact will do so in SE Asia also (I’ve lived there). Get a job.

His children do!

And in that case she best stop cleaning, cooking, washing and pandering to whatever other needs and wants he has.