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Original poster

Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

847 replies

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:04

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
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5
Dagnabit · 09/08/2023 10:55

Your husband sounds like an idiot and so do you. You’re both incredibly selfish and I only feel sorry for your poor children. You both just want to do what you want to do, with little regard for anyone else including each other. Shame on you both.

GettingStuffed · 09/08/2023 10:55

The open university does a free course on Scottish law which may help you get a legal as in a law)job

FiveShelties · 09/08/2023 10:56

OP has not got time to get a job as the Creative Writing Course is taking up all her time.

Roundtheworldin7days · 09/08/2023 10:59

The current state pension age in the UK is 66

However, if you are younger, your state pension age will be 67, 68 or higher

You need to have National Insurance contributions from employment or benefits to receive a state pension in your name

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 09/08/2023 11:00

NancyPickford · 09/08/2023 10:46

If you've never worked then you've never paid NI contributions. What do you think will happen regarding State Pension when you reach that age?

Your NI gets paid for you until your youngest is 12. You apply for it at the same time as CB.

Pipsquiggle · 09/08/2023 11:05

Hi OP.

Hope you are OK.

Are you and your DH a team? I mean this to say you both do what you can to make the family unit work?

At the moment it seems that you have entrenched thinking that your role in the team is to be the SAHP, which is fine if the other team member is reliable and dependable. From your own descriptions, your DH seems feckless and unemployable.

Therefore the dynamics in the team need to change:
You could leave him
You could get a job
He could retrain to give better wage and employment opportunities long term, you could get a short term job whilst he does that.
You could retrain and he support him
He could ask his family for his job back (if this is possible)

There are multiple things you both could do to ensure your 'team' thrives - you might have to adopt different roles for a period of time but that is what families do to get by.

You need financial transparency

Moving out of your home would be the last on the list.

I'll be honest, your DH sounds like a dud.

Sunnysummeragain · 09/08/2023 11:05

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:45

My youngest is only 3. If I go back to work I won't be home until 5 or 6. I'm going to miss out on so much

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My sahm neighbour in a similar situation, multiple children at home got a job as a dinner lady (no experience or qualifications are required) it was perfect as she got some money and had no worries for childcare.

DrSbaitso · 09/08/2023 11:06

missyounot · 09/08/2023 10:43

This thread is a miserable reminder of how mean and judgemental so many posters are.

If you have young children and work, good for you. Doesn't mean everyone - or even anyone - is obliged to do the same. The OP has explained repeatedly that there is enough money for the family to get by on one income. She has also explained repeatedly that the partnership agreement was that she stay home with the children.

The children are very young. Young children are best cared for within the family; group settings are far from ideal. Plus, this mother wants to be with her children and has the means to be with them.

OP, your husband sounds like someone who has very poor quality relationships. Unless he is willing to work on himself to improve his relationships - at work and home - it is likely your marriage will die. He does not sound like someone who is capable of listening or learning well, and certainly he is disrespectful of you.

I wish you well with whatever you decide but I do hope you can be home with your children for at least another 3years.

I have sympathy for OP because her husband is clearly an arsehole and she is obviously ill equipped for what is happening. She truly doesn't understand why he can't "just earn more". She's obviously been kept very sheltered.

But still...

The OP has explained repeatedly that there is enough money for the family to get by on one income. She has also explained repeatedly that the partnership agreement was that she stay home with the children.

Quite frankly, OP wouldn't know if there's enough money. She has barely seen the world outside of her immediate experience. Her husband, who is paying the bills, thinks there isn't - and as a delivery driver in a COL crisis, supporting a family of 5 by himself, I am inclined to think he's right on this point of fact, even if he's a dick in his reaction to it.

The partnership agreement has to change when it's no longer feasible, and it clearly isn't. He can't support 5 people alone in these times. Not many people could. So she needs to look into what work she can do and he needs to be prepared to do a bit more at home.

It's always a shock when your world up-ends, but you can't just ignore it and refuse to adapt. I am sympathetic, but needs must when the devil drives, and the bastard is driving right now.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 09/08/2023 11:07

In my area it’s a 7 years plus for a council house

theyareonlynoodlesmichael · 09/08/2023 11:08

Your husband is a fucking IDIOT.

You need to sit down, look at finances including the cost of wrap around childcare and go from there.

Personally, I would not react well to an ultimatum by someone with such a low IQ.

Purplepeaches123 · 09/08/2023 11:09

NancyPickford · 09/08/2023 10:46

If you've never worked then you've never paid NI contributions. What do you think will happen regarding State Pension when you reach that age?

As long as you get child benefit and your youngest child is under 12 then NI will be paid. If there was a gap before kids though then yes she’ll be behind.

MrFlibblesEyes · 09/08/2023 11:09

You say your husband works evenings and nights so would he be willing to do the morning school/nursery run at least? Or is that still to much like 'wife work'? If he could get them up and sorted in a morning (even if you made the packed lunches or got breakfast idiot proofed the evening before) that would allow you to work a morning shift and be home in time for pick ups and your hours and hours of housework!! I work 7-2 Monday to Friday in a care home which allows me to be home with my son all afternoon so I feel like I get plenty of time with him which seems to be one of your main factors in not wanting a job. It also means we don't have to pay for wraparound care as im home by pick up time and with his 30 free hours so it is very affordable.

QueenOfKarachi · 09/08/2023 11:11

I do not understand why most people here are addressing only one of OP's problems, which is her unwillingness to work. Yes, she is entitled and unrealistic about this, but it isn't her most immediate problem here.

Her bigger problem is that her husband is abusive to her. Not financially abusive, but verbally abusive, shouting and calling her names. Her young sons are living in this environment, watching their dad treat their mum with disrespect and contempt. I cannot help but think that most of you would advise any other poster who had described this sort of treatment to LTB.

Cotonsugar · 09/08/2023 11:12

drpet49 · 08/08/2023 23:08

You can’t afford to be a SAHM. You need to get a job FFS!

She would then have to pay for childcare, likely more rent too. It’s usually cheaper to pay a mortgage once you have a house.

Jamtartforme · 09/08/2023 11:13

QueenOfKarachi · 09/08/2023 11:11

I do not understand why most people here are addressing only one of OP's problems, which is her unwillingness to work. Yes, she is entitled and unrealistic about this, but it isn't her most immediate problem here.

Her bigger problem is that her husband is abusive to her. Not financially abusive, but verbally abusive, shouting and calling her names. Her young sons are living in this environment, watching their dad treat their mum with disrespect and contempt. I cannot help but think that most of you would advise any other poster who had described this sort of treatment to LTB.

If the shoe were on the other foot, she would be a financially abusive cocklodger.

He doesn’t sound abusive to me, they sound like a rowing couple where one of them works long hours with a bad back to finance the other who doesn’t want to work yet expects to live in a house they can’t afford, being a stay at home mum while the kids are in school and nursery.

A bit of shouting does not an abuser make.

Cotonsugar · 09/08/2023 11:13

QueenOfKarachi · 09/08/2023 11:11

I do not understand why most people here are addressing only one of OP's problems, which is her unwillingness to work. Yes, she is entitled and unrealistic about this, but it isn't her most immediate problem here.

Her bigger problem is that her husband is abusive to her. Not financially abusive, but verbally abusive, shouting and calling her names. Her young sons are living in this environment, watching their dad treat their mum with disrespect and contempt. I cannot help but think that most of you would advise any other poster who had described this sort of treatment to LTB.

Exactly this. It also sounds like he’s trying to get out of the situation without having to split the assets.

Naddd · 09/08/2023 11:14

Id post in the south asian board tbh

You won't get a council house someone has likely told him its a great idea and great way to get a cheap house.

If he can't afford a mortgage how will he afford the ridiculous rents?

DrSbaitso · 09/08/2023 11:14

Cotonsugar · 09/08/2023 11:12

She would then have to pay for childcare, likely more rent too. It’s usually cheaper to pay a mortgage once you have a house.

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But she doesn't necessarily need a full time job. She could maybe work part time and use annual leave for the holidays. If her community is close knit, it may be possible to work something out together with other families regarding childcare.

At the very least, she needs to look into it.

Jamtartforme · 09/08/2023 11:14

Cotonsugar · 09/08/2023 11:13

Exactly this. It also sounds like he’s trying to get out of the situation without having to split the assets.

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Unlikely given he legally married her and agreed to jointly own the house.

JennyJenny8675309 · 09/08/2023 11:15

drpet49 · 08/08/2023 23:08

You can’t afford to be a SAHM. You need to get a job FFS!

This! What a ridiculous question.

babyproblems · 09/08/2023 11:15

You’d be mad to sell a house you own and rent privately - it’s well known that’s much more expensive than typically paying a mortgage!

From your posts it sounds like you don’t really understand your families finances very well… have you thought about what staying at home with the kids is really costing you??
How do you manage your family money each month - it would be sensible to go back to work and start earning money for some security and also your long term future. How would you be money wise if you and your husband divorced for example - not saying it will happen but it is important you protect yourself to some degree and have a better quality of life for yourself. There must be something you are interested in and would like to do for work? Even part time. Wishing you best of luck x

milveycrohn · 09/08/2023 11:15

I have not RTWT, so this may be answered elsewhere, but with interest rate rises, it is possible that your current mortgage has doubled (or about to). Your DH may be very worried that he can no longer afford the house.
I went back to work when my youngest DS was three, simply because my DH lost his job, and we needed an income. As circumstamces change, you both need to adapt.
Work Part time, or term time only are options that others do.
Failing that qualify as a child minder and offer someone else that desired wrap around care.

Lindsey99 · 09/08/2023 11:16

A private rental that will probably cost more than your mortgage! I think that if you really want to carry on living in the house and providing stability for your 3 children you have to consider a part time job. How about childminding or an evening job? A full time job woyld mean extra costs for childcare so not worth it.

Crapsummer · 09/08/2023 11:17

Jamtartforme · 09/08/2023 10:13

Why should she get help? She could work but chooses not to. Why should she be funded through the tax paid by other mums who do?

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It's her right to see what she entitled to. Just the same as anyone else can.

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