Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

Ah, I missed that bit. That makes sense.

I don't think it's fair for him to have all the financial burden if you can work - you will have to get suitable childcare but it could be possible if you have family that could help.
Being a SAHM only works if BOTH parties are on board.

This is what it sounds like to me. Like in my previous post, a lot of extended family support, plus houses being owned collectively, and swapped around within the family, so everyone was appropriately housed and gaining equity. My relative lived in a house owned by her DHs grandparents, but also owned a house that was occupied by his cousin's family and her MIL.

It’s not being forced you. You’re basically being asked if you want to be able to afford to live in your house or whether you want to be a SAHM. So which do you want to do, have a house or stay at home, it sounds like you can’t have it both ways.

You’re/your husband is deluded to think you will be able to sell your house to get a council house, you’ll end up having to rent privately which will likely be more than your current mortgage costs.

But it's also not fair that the OP has all the domestic burden if she also works.

The OP has said several times that he will not cook, clean or care for his children.

I'm sorry but you are being ridiculous. I am South Asian too - I work and do all the other things you believe are supposedly impossible to juggle with a job. Whatever happens in other South Asian countries, we have chosen to live in the UK and the reality is that we need 2 incomes to achieve the lifestyle we would like. Back home, the majority of females are SAHM but it simply isn't achievable here.

You need to wake up and see you not working is trapping you entirely. There is nothing you can do if you're not willing to go make some money - you can't leave him because you have no finances to support yourself or means to earn them if you don't start working. Guaranteed if you tried, he will not work at all which means absolutely no money from him to help bring up the children. If you stay with him, you continue to live hand to mouth with no savings and lower quality of life. From what you describe, you also can't rely on him for a stable income

So why not go and start working? Even if you start small, it is something more coming into the family pot.

In addition to working, I also make all the meals, try keep on top of cleaning, manage the lions share of school run and activities (he does help where he can but works longer hours) and have also had periods of studying to further my career. It is possible, you just need to get on with it.

Find a bar or cleaning job in the evenings, many of us have had to do that.

I would like to know how involved you are with the family finances.

How much your dh earns, how much the mortgage is, how much gas and electric you use are

Is what you are paying the absolute cheapest possible price
Are you using comparison sites and cash back sites for things like your utilities and insurances etc

Is your food shopping from the cheapest store. Can you see what are your biggest out lays are and can you find a cheaper alternative.

These are things that I would be looking at before I would do anything.

The question is will your dh freely show you the paperwork and does it match with the online accounts.And does it add all add up.

Are you on the mortgage and deeds to the house? Or did your dh just buy it in his own name

If you sold your house, stayed with a relative in between you would still be on a long list…people wait years for a council house and you would need to prove you had to sell your home. Get a part time job, evening, weekends when you DH can look after the kids.

I am aware of people in the NE of England being able to get council houses in scenarios not dissimilar to this (clear absence of housing or financial need on the part of the applicant) provided they are not too fussy about the house/location within the area. So it's not the same level of difficulty absolutely everywhere.

To the OP, I think you and your husband are both uncompromising and set in your views. It is a recipe for conflict. Yes he is unreasonable - but so are you. You can contribute financially and he can grow TF up, do a job properly and help around the house. You seem just as unyielding as him and in terms of the time you spend on being a SAHM and your ability to get a job and contribute - Parkinson's Law.

You can rent out a spare room in your property & earn up to 7,500 before paying tax per year

Rent out your loft for storage

Rent out your driveway for parking

Are you claiming child benefit in your name ? Because this pays your National Insurance "stamp" towards YOUR state pension & other benefits if you are not working

If your DH is on a low wage, why aren't you claiming universal credit top ups ?

Look at www.gov.uk

Some councils have people waiting 20+ years for a council accommodation. Some councils have 30,000+ people on their waiting lists.

You have a property, you need to make it work for you

You don't have a right to be supported by your husband if he doesn't want that.

Your DH can contact the bank & change the mortgage to interest only
Or
Change mortgage to a longer amount of time eg from 25 to 35 years. Therefore making the monthly payment smaller

If it’s feasible (as in if it doesn’t mean you will be spending all you earn on childcare while you’re at work) then I would get a job if it means you can afford to keep the house you love.
If not, I would say to him “OK, you contact the council and ask them for a house”.
See where that gets him.

We did look at selling our house, clearing the mortgage and renting instead. It worked out roughly 1/3 more a month (so if our mortgage was £900, we couldn’t find anything suitable for under £1200). It’s a massively false economy and would cost you more and end up breeding resentment.

If, however, getting a job would take some pressure off the relationship and give you both what you want it’s got to worth a thought?

I was literally homeless before I was put in emergency housing with my daughter. They checked my savings etc too before offering me this. Presumably if you have a house sold and it’s in your savings they won’t house you (should hope not anyway). We were in this disgusting excuse for a residence for 6 months, the 2.5 years in a horrible “temporary” accommodation surrounded by drug dealers and prisoners fresh put of jail. Do not do this to your family if the alternate is just getting a job! Not hard to do a few hours work and keep your home! Stack shelves at night whilst your husband is home, and park weekends.. there’s so much you can do!

Hate to tell you but im in my 60s and most of my generation did the lot! Worked 40 plus hours,did the cooking, cleaning, childcare. Its doable, not ideal and thank God m6 boys were brought up to do all of those things so make decent husbands, but you can do it. I worked on nights as a nurse. I also did a few sessions of Marie Curie so ften worked 50 hours, but had a best friend conver when my husband was also working. Needs must!

This thread is a miserable reminder of how mean and judgemental so many posters are.

If you have young children and work, good for you. Doesn't mean everyone - or even anyone - is obliged to do the same. The OP has explained repeatedly that there is enough money for the family to get by on one income. She has also explained repeatedly that the partnership agreement was that she stay home with the children.

The children are very young. Young children are best cared for within the family; group settings are far from ideal. Plus, this mother wants to be with her children and has the means to be with them.

OP, your husband sounds like someone who has very poor quality relationships. Unless he is willing to work on himself to improve his relationships - at work and home - it is likely your marriage will die. He does not sound like someone who is capable of listening or learning well, and certainly he is disrespectful of you.

I wish you well with whatever you decide but I do hope you can be home with your children for at least another 3years.

It doesn't work like that , you would have to lose the house and be homeless .

You can't just choose to live in a council house . Your dh has no clue . You could be in a hostel for months !

Why don't you just get a job ? You can't have both a nice house you c at afford and have the luxury of being a sahm .. go and work in a supermarket at night . I work 2 days a week school hours minimum wage and take home £400

Secondly, I would be very wary

If you refuse to work, your DH may just walk away & refuse to work himself & support you & your children

Listen to him, he is asking for your help to contribute financially

Can you do paid childcare ?

Contact your local DWP job centre

Also
www.gov.uk
Find a job
Search in your town, county, postcode
Shows jobs

But she wasn’t in Scotland, she was in England at that time.

If you've never worked then you've never paid NI contributions. What do you think will happen regarding State Pension when you reach that age?

@Roundtheworldin7days if the husband decides he doesn't want to work then they would be eligible for benefits. I'd put this into a calculator too. It wouldn't be the worst scenario, the worst would be he sells the house and fritters the money whilst not working.

I see where you're coming from, OP. It's not that you don't want to work. It's that, if you qork, you'll still have to do 100% of the housework and childcare as well. If he agreed to split everything fairly it wouldn't be such a problem.

Why are you encouraging op to be funded by the rest of us because then the both of them would ‘choose not to work’? This is unbelievable

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record