Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

Hi all,
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Are you in the UK? I thought so but you said your family were back in UK so that confused me and made me think you weren’t. But talking of council houses then you must be perhaps. Anyway -
can you do childminding? Then you’re at home while earning? Obviously you’d probably need a bigger car if taking them with you to do school pick up. Or your husband could do school runs if he’s working in evenings/nights.
Dog boarding? Cat feeding? Selling online. Cleaner? There has to be something you can do while the children are at school.

I realise it makes it much harder if you’re not a team with your husband and he’s not sharing parenting and housework but you need to give him your own ultimatum - tell him that’ll you’ll look at earning but he must step up and tell him exactly how and if he doesn’t then you can be saving a bit of a nest egg to get yourself out. Don’t listen to family saying you can’t divorce , you can , it’s not their marriage.

I’d be careful that he’s waiting for you to be working so he can loose his job again and do nothing and not even take proper care of the kids.
This would give me serious ick so I’d be earning and saving to get out.

I feel a lot of mixed emotions over this thread. On one hand, I understand that you and your husband had an agreement that you would stay home and look after the children and now that he wants to change that (through necessity it seems) you don’t think it’s fair and that you aren’t being given a choice.

On the other hand, unless you marry rich, I think it’s absolutely ridiculous in this day and age, in the middle of a cost of living crisis where everything is going up in price, to expect to be a SAHM and for your husband to carry all the financial burden of a family of 5. The pressure he must be under must be intense; and honestly, If you can’t afford your mortgage then there is no choice, you must get a job.

I don’t understand the total unwillingness to try to help the family financially when clearly it’s needed. You can’t push your husband to get a better paid job if you aren’t even willing to try getting a part time one.

Id love to be a SAHM but I’m only going to be able to take 6 months of maternity leave once baby is here, as our household requires two incomes for it to run properly.

He’s worked as a delivery driver and in a cash and carry. What ‘high paid job’ do you think he will be offered?

Let’s spin in around and reverse your roles. Imagine you posted ‘DP doesn’t work, kids in school/nursery, I work long hours with an injured back but simply cannot afford our home any more and need to look at cheaper options, DP is saying I can’t’? Everyone would say the DP (you) is taking the piss and needs to find a job.

I don’t feel particularly sorry for him as you said he’s been tax dodging and he hasn’t been painted in a good light. But you sound like a fantasist who seems to have issues with reality and the fact we don’t always get the dream lifestyle we want. You’ll have to do what everyone else does and get a job, you’re not ‘too special’ to do that

What😂😂😂

I have a 1 year old (16 months) and a 2 year old (27 months). My 1 year old is also disabled as he has a severe genetic disorder. I STILL work 3 times a week and bring in about £1100 a month. You can get a job with the age of your kids, you’ll be fine trust me

The dark side of the tradition of women not working and relying on a man for support is that abuse is common in these marriages. I know it and you know it, even if it isn't politically correct to talk about.

Break the cycle. Think about your sons. By staying with your abusive, unreliable husband, you are teaching your sons that it is OK to speak to and treat women the way your husband does to you. They will internalise this and repeat the behaviour in their own marriages. By divorcing this terrible man, you set an example to your sons, showing that women must be treated with respect and that women are just as capable as men. If you choose to stay with your mean, abusive husband, you are signalling to your sons that the way he treats you is acceptable.

You can do a course in legal services in a college in Scotland while still a school student. Nothing unbelievable in that.

Sorry I realise now you said you’re in Scotland. Meno brain forgot.
You’ll feel so much better about yourself bringing in an income and it’ll give you more freedom over your future choices.

Hope you are okay op.

I see your point. Your culture expects the man to provide financially, the woman looks after kids and home and if she works her money is hers to keep (and many women also save a fair bit of it). Please correct me if I’m wrong (and I apologise but that is my understanding from friends).

Your husband wants you to work and earn money to pay towards bills and look after the kids and home while he can’t hold onto his job and doesn’t have the work ethic to earn more/get promoted.

I totally understand why you are fucked off!

I am guessing he has been influenced (in some ways) by Western culture where women have careers and pay towards costs but funnily (and unsurprisingly) wants to keep his cultural ways that suit him.

This is who he is. Selfish. I’m sure if you look further at him you could write a book on his selfish ways.

Personally I would never rely on a man financially. I have never had a debt I could not pay on my own (or that I couldn’t get my way out of). I was raised with a sahm but I would never be that vulnerable (my dad was a good man) but I didn’t like the idea of it.

Do you like this man? Do you want to share your life/hopes and dreams with him? Does he bring you joy? Regardless of what you want if he fucks off tomorrow or cheats or says he wants a divorce or dies what will you do then? Because that is what could happen even if you are happy together today.

I wish you well op but if you want financial independence just in case use this as your reason. Go study for a job that will earn you enough in the long run. Use the situation to make sure you don’t need him. That he can’t threaten your security and dreams. Pick a career with a good income and work towards it. For your kids and for you. Because he doesn’t sound like a good bet for life.

OP I've not read all the replies here, so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said.

Your husband is clearly lazy and controlling. I would bet he wants you to get a job so he can leave his and become the SAHP. Then all the financial burden will be on you, as well as the housework and children.

You should absolutely get a job however, but for yourself. You are fully reliant on your DH at the moment, but it shouldn't be like that if there's no teamwork.

I'd get a small part time job to make a little extra money and get yourself back into the working world. You can then increase your hours as the children get older. You need some financial independence OP.

Get off your arse and get a bloody job! Plenty of people would love to be a SAHM but live in the real world ffs.

I've read all the your posts OP and still can't see a reason why you don't want to work other than 'you don't want to'?

Your husband being lazy and not wanting to do housework is separate issue and something you absolutely need to pull him up on. But if your children are in school and nursery then why can't you get a job?

Or pull your youngest out of nursery and save on some childcare costs?

It seems madness to me that you're complaining that your husband won't 'simply' get a higher paid job whilst simultaneously refusing to financially contribute yourself?

May I add, when I was working two days a week I was getting nearly £800. My hours are 10-6. In my work place you can even do 10-2 for drop offs and pick ups for your children.

It’s really clear that you simply don’t want a job even though getting a job would release some pressure from your husband. Even if he is a cunt

I was going to say you ned DTP contribute to your household financially, role model for your kids, get DH to pull his weight in the house etc but after reading how awful your DH is and how he doesn’t even talk to you nicely, I would start planning to leave him.
get yourself a job- not because he wants you to, because it gives you and the DC for when you leave him. Get yourself in a better financial position. Then divorce him. Don’t expect any maintenance money from him in the future. You need to get yourself n your own 2 feet so you are not reliant on him. What an awful environment for your boys to grow up in. They will soon mimic his behaviour and expect women to be their slaves when older. Don’t do this to your DC

Personally, I think you should get a part time job in a school…I don’t think you necessarily need any qualifications to be a dinner lady, etc. You then have some stability for yourself. Nurseries often offer long care hours and schools often offer breakfast clubs, etc too. You’d be off in the school holidays.

I’d look at moving to a cheaper house, if possible but your husband’s job instability is a huge issue. Not sure what to suggest on that one

Why should she get help? She could work but chooses not to. Why should she be funded through the tax paid by other mums who do?

It might be too much pressure for him to keep up the family finances on one wage. I think your kids are old enough now that you can get a part time job… I had to do it

But renting is much more expensive than a mortgage.
I would suspect he is about to leave you. Maybe wants you to get a job so he doesn't have to give you an alimony and to sell the house so that he won't have to pay for that as well as his own apartment.

If you sell your house I assume you’ll have some equity? Which will not get you a council house. If you’ve got more than 16,000 I believe you also won’t get benefits.

I have no idea why he thinks that’s a good idea?

but he’s if you need money both of you need to work? I’m lucky that right now I don’t have to hit if our mortgage goes up massively then yep. I’ll go to work and I’ll happily do so.

Has this always been the case in terms of his work? If so, how were you able to get a mortgage in the first place? This isn't really adding up.

Also, you need to get a job. As other posters have said, you simply can't afford to stay home.

It can be incredibly difficult to separate what is normal and desired by your culture, and the reality you’re currently facing.

I know your parents have said not to divorce, but by all accounts you are living with an abusive man. NOT financially abusive. But you have said he shouts and calls you names, threatens you, doesn’t help at all with housework or child raising. This is abuse. This is not a normal loving relationship. I think more than anything else you need help and support with that because no matter what culture you’re part of, that is not ok.

Would it help for you to speak to women’s aid? Not about getting a job but about the way your husband treats you. They can offer you an unbiased and honest opinion and help to support you in gaining your independence. Good luck

tbh a lot of south asian families are very close knit so the members of the extended family support each other which means that across the board, the amount of money needed to support each member is less. For example intergenerational living, living with parents long term to save a deposit or siblings pooling money to give each sibling a deposit. Also her Dh had a well paid job with his family but this ended with the family feud.

So OP has to adapt to the regular british lifestyle which is a nuclear family setup and significantly more expensive...

It sounds like you're married to an unpleasant man, so you need a job and some financial security of your own for if the marriage ends. You need to make it clear to him that he'll then have to step up on the childcare, housework etc. For a start, get some money together in an account that he doesn't know about as you're likely to need it. This is why cultures in which women never work are really bad for women.

OP mentioned it was a job in the family business but now the family has fallen out. He probably was paid above the market rate because its 'family'.

You can go to college to do your 'A' levels now instead of School Sixth form . No idea about law diplomas .