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Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

847 replies

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:04

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
gawditswindy · 09/08/2023 08:24

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 00:44

Stop with the gold digger nonsense, you've been told several times that you have either misunderstood or have deliberately twisted my words.

She's trying to be a bloody gold digger.

Pammela2 · 09/08/2023 08:25

Highlyflavouredgravy · 09/08/2023 01:09

None of that info is correct about being a TA

The working day starts BEFORE drop off time and ends after pick up time abd there is practically no flexibility. And that salary is way more than usual. Alk pay is pro rata and you don't get paid for lunch, break or holidays.
Also...no qualifications? Most TAs have a minimum of level 3 qualifications and lots have degrees.

My sister is a TA and has managed to secure working hours which means she can do school pick up everyday. She does use breakfast club, but that’s much cheaper than after school.
The pay is pretty poor but she has quite a good set up- if you apply for flexible working then it’s usually ok. We’re in’ Scotland, so this is definitely an option for OP.
She also started full time and it didn’t work for kids, so requested 3 days, and they accepted as well as finishing 20 mins before end of school day.

TerfTalking · 09/08/2023 08:26

Purplepeaches123 · 09/08/2023 07:52

She said college that you go to at 16 which is basically 6th form. The only Law course you can do at college would be A level Law. In one post it says she did a Law diploma and in another she says she went to college at 16 and did legal studies. High school, college, working in her dad’s”store” but later it was his cash and carry. None of it rings true.

Mmmm, all a bit odd. There's three years missing between end of college at 18 and getting married at 21. I also cannot find any law diplomas at UK FE colleges, only Access courses which have a different entry criteria and wouldn't apply to the OP.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 08:26

@JenWillsiam what sort of job in a school?

borntobequiet · 09/08/2023 08:26

The only Law course you can do at college would be A level Law.

There’s a BTEC in Law.

But of course OP should get a job of some sort. I suspect that her husband is coming out with the “give up the house and rent” in frustration at her attitude.

JenWillsiam · 09/08/2023 08:27

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 08:26

@JenWillsiam what sort of job in a school?

We have 6 TA’s, none of them had experience working in a school or with kids beyond being parents. There is a huge shortage of TA’s.

SouthernLassies · 09/08/2023 08:27

You were born in the UK so using culture as a reason not to work isn't on.

Most women with children work. Your religion or culture doesn't prevent that. It's 2023.

Your children are at school all day so what on earth are you doing all day?

You don't need 6 hours to shop, cook and do cleaning.

And you won't get a council house by making yourself homeless, not when you have a house and mortgage now and can afford it.

Purplepeaches123 · 09/08/2023 08:29

borntobequiet · 09/08/2023 08:26

The only Law course you can do at college would be A level Law.

There’s a BTEC in Law.

But of course OP should get a job of some sort. I suspect that her husband is coming out with the “give up the house and rent” in frustration at her attitude.

Oh ok. Her exact words were “I did a diploma in law in college” and then. I did legal studies at the college you go to at 16. 🤷

JadeIsMyFaveColour · 09/08/2023 08:29

And to answer a PP's question, most women in my family are not required to work, they can if they want to, but the money their earn is theirs to keep or do what they see fit with.

Then unfortunately, unless your DH has a highly paid job or successful business, you aren't going to be living an opulent life. Things cost a fortune. You can't sneeze without being taxed and overcharged for everything we need. Perhaps this cultural understanding is outdated and needs evolving to be in line with your surroundings.

There are lots of jobs here that you could do to earn some money. Even a few hundred would give you more financial wriggle room. You can do work from home, get a term time job only or work in a supermarket. Some of my friends work in my local high street, 2 hours a day when the DC are at school.

If you want to own a house, you have to do what the rest of us do, work. You won't get a council house, even more serious cases than yours don't get them.

notacooldad · 09/08/2023 08:31

I don't know what to do
Get a job obviously.
I have always wanted to be SAHM You have been. Now it's time to pull your weight financially. The kids are at school and money is needed.
My husband was okay with it when we got married, he changed his mind only now.
Go on have a guess why. You've said you have nothing left at the end of the month. You've got no wiggle room for anything unexpected
Surely your not that thick you can't see that.

I haven't worked. I got married very young, 21
Why didn't you work before you got married. I know you said you worked in your dads store You weren't very young, you were young but could have had a few years experience in the work place.

I find it both hilarious - and depressing in equal measures that some posters are simply not getting this. No fucking WAY should the OP have to go out to work because her husband is a lame provider. He needs to get his act together!
Whether he is a lame provider or not there's not many families that can rely on one wage, including this one. It sounds like they can hardly afford a bag of crisps at the end of the month because money is so tight.
The overwhelming advice on Mn is usually telling the op she needs her own income stream to protect herself.

It's got to be a joke post. The op blind to CoL, fickle husband, drip feeds.
The reason I want to keep the house is to give children stability
Houses alone don't give kids stability. People move houses all the time. However if you want to stay in your house it sounds like you are going to have to help financially and he has to help domestically.

RumandSpinach · 09/08/2023 08:32

I do understand your frustration at your husband being irresponsible with his jobs. No one with kids to feed and a mortgage to pay should behave like this.

I still do think you should get a job. Taking what you have said literally, if there is no money left at all at the end of the month you are so vulnerable to price rises and something breaking, or a wall becoming damp etc.

I also think by some metrics this is living in poverty. If you don't have the money for daytrips out or a holiday every few years your kids are missing out. Some people can't help this and do their best for their families despite it, but you can help it but choose not to.

Your husband is going to have to step up with childcare/housework if you work (I understand why he isn't doing this now). Have you had this conversation with him?

Schoolchoicesucks · 09/08/2023 08:33

I have 2 sons. I would be so sad if they find themselves in a relationship where their partner doesn't want to be a partner - with both of them contributing to earning money to support the family and both of them contributing to caring for any children and doing the things that need doing around the house.

The issue here is that you and your husband are not a team. You see his role to provide financially for you while you look after the house and kids. That is unrealistic in most families unless one parent is a high earner. Most families have to compromise and both adults work and do childcare and housework.

If your marriage and family life is worth saving then you really do need to start thinking about what part time work you can do.

BadgerB · 09/08/2023 08:34

Boshi · Today 08:17
OP I can imagine you getting a full time job and then your DH losing his job and not bothered to get another one

Oh yes - I've seen this happen. Twice in fact. Feckless men...

RainySummerDays · 09/08/2023 08:36

OP

You know your culture. The expectation seems that you are a sahm whilst husband provides.

BUT this is Scotland you are in, not your family country of origin. You have become stuck in the trope of kept Asian woman at home whilst husband provides. But in this case your husband is shit, and manipulative and bullshitting you about council houses if you do not work.

You are likely to have to get out and fix this. And yes as you have stayed oppressed in your culture, perhaps not through choice, you will be working part time and doing three meals a day, often from scratch and looking after the kids, because your partner will not support you.

I was lucky, I married out, and my mother made sure i never had to rely on any man by ensuring I stayed educated. Play the long game here, he is an arsehole, and if you are going to remain married to him you need to figure our a way to earn and manage the kids. Batch cooking curries in a freezer is excellent. Do any job, get a life and some time for you. It is possible to work and manage the kids, but right now it seems like an uphill struggle. Get your vitamin D checked, get your confidence up, get your independence back. Show your children you can do everything a man does and more.

And yes your husband is bullshitting you, but what are you gonna do. This choice and your choice to marry him was made a decade ago and you have to lump it. Until they are older, and you have your own earrings. MAKE THE CHANGE NOW

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2023 08:37

@namechanged808

i know you don’t want to, but I really think you’re going to have to get a job Op

Tailfeather · 09/08/2023 08:37

CandyflossKaren · 09/08/2023 01:06

Young kids and op is still up at 1am telling people on the internet she can't possibly work!

I was just thinking the exact same!!! Grin

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2023 08:37

@namechanged808

also when you were between 18 and 21 and just casually helping out your dad on an as hoc basis, what else did you do with your time? Were you not really really bored?

Flakjacketon · 09/08/2023 08:37

As pp have said I think you need to cost out your options. I think it will be on a very long (infinite) waiting list for council property.
Do you know how much rent you would have to pay vs your mortgage payments? Would you be much better off?
What sort of job could you get and how would you manage childcare? Can family help out, if not how much would it cost you.
You are in the very fortunate position of owning your own home and one day your mortgage will be paid off and you will be mortgage free! If you move into rented accommodation now you could be there for the rest of your life.

Namechangenoidea · 09/08/2023 08:37

I think the idea of getting a job scares you. From reading your posts you are not even considering it. I think it will change your life and YOU will be so much happier. Why don’t you try it for a few months? You have nothing to lose. Don’t make excuses there will be something you can do just start looking.

TallulahBetty · 09/08/2023 08:37

Well yes, if you can't afford your lifestyle, you need to get a job. SAHP is only an option if you can actually afford it.

Est1990 · 09/08/2023 08:38

These type of posts can't be real🤣
You should be asking how to get a part time job at least!

Your husband can't keep a job (fired and unreliable according to you). And you think he can just get a better job just like that.

Honestly, this must be made up.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/08/2023 08:38

I have read all of your comments op and whether you are "real" or not the fact of the matter is that if you wish to live in accordance with your cultural expectations and have a mortgage, there has to be enough money coming in. That applies to all people whatever culture they are from.

From everything you have written neither you or your husband have particularly marketable commercial skills or experience at present so both your expectations need to be focused on a modest lifestyle and maintaining it. It's a shame that you didn't work for a few years before having children - we have some South Asian neighbours and that's what their female children have done.

Your DH sounds like a feckless lazy bastard but he is right, I think you do need to work particularly as you have married a man who isn't capable of reliably earning a modest living. Sadly, I don't think career changes or retraining will help in light of the underlying attitude.

Whilst I appreciate you have three young dc they are at school and nursery. I have been a SAHM and I don't understand why the domestic load takes you all day. I had two dc and a dh who did none of the domestic load (which was fine because he was workaholic and brought home the bacon). I have honestly never had so much time on my hands as when I was a SAHM and especially when the dc were both at school. We had tidy up time before bathtime (took about 15 minutes), bath, story, quiet time. DH got in at about 9.30 and chatted whilst he ate. I made sure DC's book bags, shoes, kit, etc were ready by the door. The DC and I got up at 6.30/7. Washed hands and faces, dressed, breakfast of toast/fruit/Yoghurt took about 10 minutes, hands, faces again and teeth. Then they watched TV or read whilst I tidied the kitchen, did the dishwasher, hung a load of washing. Left for school at 8.30, back by 8.55. I probably spent about 45 minutes a day on housework and our house was immaculate and large.

Left for school at 3.25, although probably twice a week I had until 4.45 if one was having tea out and one doing an after school activity. Tea at 6ish, proper cooked meals, spag bol, cottage pie, fish fillets, etc, with veg and or salad bits, reading, music practice, bath at about 7.30, quiet hour, bed at 9/9.30 they stayed up to see daddy - mine didn't need very much sleep.

I can't really work out why you are so full on. I went back to work when I found myself damp wiping the stainless steel kitchen stuff with a soft cloth and baby oil to make sure it was mark free and wishing the cooker could chat.

The issue is your lack of experience. In towns at present there is tons of work and a shortage of people to do it. To start you could pick up work in hospitality/chambermaiding, McDonalds, care work, retail, etc. To move into something office based you probably need to get yourself fully up to speed with Microsoft Office. If you have a legal qual, could you contact some local firms to see if they have any part-time admin roles or need help with transcribing tapes that you could do at home?

Ultimately, if your DH can't or won't bring home enough and you want to keep the house, you will have to make up the short-fall whether that's part of your culture or not or whether you like it or not. Personally, I'd focus on keeping the house and getting rid of the husband but if the latter isn't possible then I'd make myself self-sufficient but if he needs a financially productive wife, he needs to park some of his cultural expectations and take on some of the domestic load. He's living in 21st Century Britain and needs to adjust some of his expectations to suit how and where circumstances are rather than what he'd ideally like. And bring your sons up to share the load and graft.

Ohyousillydivvy · 09/08/2023 08:41

OK, before the op can get a job she'll need some current work experience and qualifications. However, to work as a school dinner lady I think she won't need much.

OP look at local schools and see if you can get a term time dinner lady or cleaning job. This will save on childcare & then also do a free course at your local college to help you get a better paid job in the future.

If your husband died or was ill and couldn't work then you'll be in a serious financial position. Start future proofing now and saving towards a pension & your future.

I'm a similar background to you & my dad practically forced me to go to university & get a job. That's where the similarity between us ends, every woman from my culture is highly educated & earning decent salaries. You're a bit of an anomaly compared to the modern British south Asian woman. I don't know anyone who thinks like you, we were all out studying and working & building careers.

Your husband needs a regular job earning decent money, the pair of you need to get your acts together.

Whyisitsosohard · 09/08/2023 08:41

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bunchofboys · 09/08/2023 08:41

Op, i think if you take steps to improve your options and get a job (i think you are young) it will open your eyes. Getting a job will give you financial freedom. You are living the life of a scivvy. I have been a sahm. My husband still contributed with household tasks abd looking after his children.

Ps plenty of scottish contracts are subject to english law.