Page 22 | Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

MikeRafone · 09/08/2023 07:59

I don't know what to do

there are plenty of jobs out there and especially in hospitality. You can literally walk into a housekeeping job - which are often 9am - 2pm or 9.30 - 2.30pm and work earning £11, 3-5 days a week

This would bring you in £165 - £275 per week. another £8,580 ish per annum would surely be sufficient to continue with the mortgage?

JanieEyre · 09/08/2023 07:59

Growlybear83 · 09/08/2023 01:22

I'm quite surprise by all the posts I've read suggesting that the OP should get herself a part time job in a school or nursery. Do they have any idea how few and far between jobs in schools are now, particularly with the huge cuts that schools are having to make in their support staff? The competition is huge for teaching assistant jobs now and it's really not easy to get work in a school now.

Yet schools regularly complain that they can't find TAs when they have to because it's specified in a child's EHCP. There really isn't that much competition for those jobs. Yes, many prefer some SEND experience, but on the other hand many will fund evening courses and training on the job.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 09/08/2023 08:01

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 09/08/2023 00:09

@Deadringer

I think the dh is being unrealistic here, they won't get a council house, and private renting is a crazy idea. Maybe he is worried about paying the bills but unless the op is highly skilled its unlikely that she will earn enough to even cover the childcare let alone contribute to the bills. And i would bet my house that even if op works full time she will still be doing all the cooking and cleaning, paying for the childcare, and ending up not a penny better off.

100% this.

I find it both hilarious - and depressing in equal measures that some posters are simply not getting this. No fucking WAY should the OP have to go out to work because her husband is a lame provider. He needs to get his act together!

At least he is providing.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 09/08/2023 08:01

I think OP said upthread that DC are already in school and nursery. So can't fathom why she can't get a job. Keeping a house clean and cooking doesn't take 9am-3pm 5 days a week?! Unless I'm missing something?

Zanatdy · 09/08/2023 08:01

Rental probably is cheaper right now, I’m looking to buy a flat and the mortgage at current interest rate will be around £500 a month more than the rent on my 2bed flat (South East). You’re unlikely to get a council property, I’m sure you’re aware they are in high demand. What’s stopping you getting a job? Being a SAHM is something you do when you can afford it, you need to get a job around school hours or evenings and weekends, or pay childcare for after school and get a full time job. Surely you’d rather do that than lose your home?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 09/08/2023 08:02

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:45

My youngest is only 3. If I go back to work I won't be home until 5 or 6. I'm going to miss out on so much

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won’t be home until 5/6 everyday? You could work PT. This isn’t a question of working FT or being a SAHM and not working at all…

What are your plans for when the children are older? And after they’ve moved out? Spend all day cleaning after your (potentially useless) husband, who you already resent?

savethatkitty · 09/08/2023 08:03

Cor blimey. What am I reading.

Yes, you might miss out on things with the little ones. It's called sacrifice. To, you know, help or contribute to the family.

Your husband needs to 100% pull his head in & not be an irresponsible, unreliable git. He has a family to provide for. So do you, so I think you could find some sort of paid work.

KCandtheSunlightBand · 09/08/2023 08:05

OP, I think you need to see for yourself what the financial situation is. Get a planner for outgoings. List everything, check bank statements going back a year. Then look at income. You will see the shortfall, or that you are just breaking even maybe.
then go through and literally cut out anything you can. TV packages, etc. Cut down on food bills maybe? As other have said, check for benefits you maybe entitled to. I suspect you are still going to need to get a job, but you will be able to see why.
Frankly your husband seems awful, can’t keep a job, I imagine for what you’ve said about your culture being ‘fired’ from a family business is almost unheard of, so that shows what a waste of space he is. Also won’t help with the children or the house. It’s your decision what you want to do about that, but right now you need to keep the wolf from the door and that is your priority.

It won’t matter if you are not able to clean the house and cook from scratch, because if you don’t act NOW then you won’t have a house to clean or cook in.

JanieEyre · 09/08/2023 08:05

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:51

I get up in the morning, make breakfast for the kids, husband and myself, pack their lunches, drop the kids off to school. come home, do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, make lunch, by the time lunch is done it's time to hand the laundry, then I do the dishes again. Make dinner. Do the dishes.

By then it's already 3pm. I pick up the kids and then it's intense until their bedtime. And then I have to clean the mess they made.

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How much lunch do you have to make or wash up if it's only you at home? You don't have to clean the house or do laundry every day.

People who work manage most of that on top of working.

Zonder · 09/08/2023 08:06

StepAwayFromGoogling · 09/08/2023 08:01

I think OP said upthread that DC are already in school and nursery. So can't fathom why she can't get a job. Keeping a house clean and cooking doesn't take 9am-3pm 5 days a week?! Unless I'm missing something?

To be fair OP did list what she does in school hours every day. It involved making her own lunch and washing up after herself. I expect many of us manage to do that on a normal day when we WFH.

rampagingrobot · 09/08/2023 08:07

I very much doubt he's voluntarily wanting to abandon the house and move into a council house. He's explaining the consequences of not paying your mortgage.

Mortgage rates are going up and up. If you can't afford to pay it, and you refuse to work, what exactly are you going to do? Just assume the bank will let you stay in the house without paying the mortgage? What if you are coming to the end of a fixed deal? You could be approaching a financial cliff edge.

You need to properly look at your finances, and work it out together.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 09/08/2023 08:12

Zonder · 09/08/2023 08:06

To be fair OP did list what she does in school hours every day. It involved making her own lunch and washing up after herself. I expect many of us manage to do that on a normal day when we WFH.

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So she did, missed that. Yes, lunch and laundry are not a reason not to work.

Hadjab · 09/08/2023 08:12

Purplepeaches123 · 08/08/2023 23:49

None of this rings true. The language in the posts is very American, like college instead if university, store instead of shop etc. That and the 1950’s attitude of the OP. All very strange.

Diplomas can be studied in UK colleges, and OP’s “1950s attitude” is cultural. Stores is a perfectly acceptable word to use.

rookiemere · 09/08/2023 08:13

Many of your excuses about not getting a job, are simply that - excuses.
Look for a part time role that you can do when the DC are at school and at nursery. Of course you won't be able to do as much cleaning or cooking so your H will have to decide if that's a reasonable compromise to get more money in, or has options to do more himself.

ohdelay · 09/08/2023 08:13

What's the plan for when he can't/won't pay the mortgage and the bank repossesses your home? That seems to be end game in the stale mate.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 08:14

If culturally OP’s money would be her own and her DH is meant to provide for her, would her money be expected to be put in the family pot?

BlastedIce · 09/08/2023 08:15

StepAwayFromGoogling · 09/08/2023 08:12

So she did, missed that. Yes, lunch and laundry are not a reason not to work.

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Ah but maybe she’d miss watching loose women….

Boshi · 09/08/2023 08:17

OP I can imagine you getting a full time job and then your DH losing his job and not bothered to get another one

renting doesn’t solve anything, you still have to pay for housing. And will it be cheaper than your mortgage of £900pm? Also if you sell now will you be able to buy another house in the future if your DH slips into long term unemployment. You on the other hand will be working all the hours god sends and then running home to take care of the kids as he will be incapable of doing things like managing bedtimes, helping with homework etc

i would commit to getting some training ready to start working part time when the kids are a bit older. In the meantime check out what extra financial help you are entitled to on a benefits website.

ignore all the people telling you to get a full time job now, they’ll be the same ones telling you you should have known your DH would turn into a cocklodger once you took over every role in the household

StepAwayFromGoogling · 09/08/2023 08:18

BlastedIce · 09/08/2023 08:15

Ah but maybe she’d miss watching loose women….

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shudders

Zanatdy · 09/08/2023 08:18

read all your messages OP and I can’t believe how resistant you are to getting a job when you could lose your home. My ex is from the South Asian community and all the women in his family (his brothers wife’s, nieces etc) all work. We are in the midst of a cost of living crisis and many people are going to lose their homes. Your DH is telling you what the consequences are and you’re just throwing a tantrum that other women in your community can be SAHM’s and now you can’t. Well that’s life. All the stuff you list you do all day I get done around my work. I’m a single mum and manage perfectly fine to keep a house going, look after kids and work. It’s just life, I sometimes batch cook to make it easier in the week but otherwise I cook meals that take 30 mins or less. Your DH will have to step up like you’re going to have to. If you lose your home then it’s on you aswell as your DH as you’ve got a chance to keep a roof over your kids heads and you’re just throwing a tantrum and refusing to work. I find that pretty shocking.

HarrietStyles · 09/08/2023 08:20

You are both being unreasonable and showing unwilling to compromise. You need to meet in the middle.
You should find a part-time term time job. Just something simple to start with to build your confidence and skills. Start volunteering at your children’s school one day a week - several of my friends are TAs or dinner ladies and it started by volunteering in the school and led to paid positions. Or volunteer in a charity shop for a few months to build up skills and then look to find a zero hours part-time job in retail while the kids are at school. You will have zero childcare cost, bring some money into the family and still see the children before and after school. Part-time SAHM, part-time work.
He needs to compromise in return. Tell him clearly that you are willing to find part-time work to bring some extra money into the family but in return he will need to take on morning school runs (between his night shift and going to bed) and he needs to take on a couple of household chores that you do (eg x amount of laundry loads per week, cleaning the bathroom and the weekly food shop)

Whenever he tells you that you need to get a job, say great I am willing to compromise if you are. And hold firm on that point.

JenWillsiam · 09/08/2023 08:21

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:04

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

Get a job then.

What on earth do you expect him to do? If you cannot afford the house he cannot magic money out of thin air. You are being completely unreasonable.

gawditswindy · 09/08/2023 08:22

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:38

My family all agree with me that his behaviour is not on.
The threatening to sell the house if I don't comply is, to me, financial abuse.
And to answer a PP's question, most women in my family are not required to work, they can if they want to, but the money their earn is theirs to keep or do what they see fit with.

I'd say expecting your partner to take on all the breadwinning for the family while refusing to get a job is financial abuse.

Culture is no excuse. I know plenty of South Asian women (some more traditional culturally than others) and they ALL work. I teach loads of girls from South Asian descent and they all aspire to good careers.

Being a SAHP is a luxury that you can't afford. What will you do if your DH leaves you? Or dies?

WhatADrabCarpet · 09/08/2023 08:23

OP, you've had some excellent advice re looking at your finances, cutting back where you can and applying for benefits/top ups.

However, on an income as low as your husband's then you're going to have to find a way to bring in more money in order to keep your house.

The council most certainly won't be able to help you out for many years and private rentals may well cost even more than your current mortgage.

You can't just sit back and complain about your husband's prospects. That won't pay the bills.
Be proactive and find some work.

Make sure that you are financially stable.

JenWillsiam · 09/08/2023 08:23

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:33

I don't have any qualification in that area.
I did a course in law in college but moved to Scotland, where English law doesn't apply, so it is pretty much useless.

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You don’t need experience. Get a job in a school. He isn’t giving you an ultimatum. He’s telling you the reality.