Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

I doubt you would get a council house. I am guessing he is concerned about the mortgage cost rises which is sensible. I would agree that you need some kind of job to help towards costs.

@namechanged808 - you only write about what you want, nothing about what your children need. They’re in school/nursery. They don’t need you at home. They will be much better off with the mortgage being paid and both parents bringing in money so you are doing more than just scraping by. You’re a parent now - do what your children need you to do. Help provide financially. They need that and the stability that comes with that.

This question is all a bit backwards.

The way in which your husband is presenting the options is odd. The question is can you afford your current home now mortgage rates have gone up and, if not, what are you as a family going to do about this

Getting a job is the first thing to consider. Evening or weekend to work around child care but that obviously means him stepping up.

You need to sit down and work out if realistically you can afford to stay where you are.

I thought that too. If anything had happened to the poster’s husband it sounds as if she’d have been left with no way to support herself, and not even any idea of her financial situation. That’s terrifying.

Yep.
I have always been taught that a man isn't a plan. It's scary how many women think that.

@LuckySantangelo35 she was brought up to get married ASAP and keep house. She comes from a very traditional family where the woman stay home and the men work. If this is what her family wanted for her then they should have chosen a more wealthier and reliable husband. Instead she's stuck with a financially unreliable workshy dh who keeps getting fired.

This

Why? She can work evenings. When my OH came back from work I left. We hardly saw each other during the week but needs must.

@Parky04 the DH works evenings he doesn’t do a 9-5 job

OP, I am also south Asian and I say this with full appreciation of your wish to maintain your cultural norms. BUT you must be aware of the horrific economic situation many people are facing. Food banks, end of mortgage rate hikes, food/fuel/energy prices. A modest life with a single income is pretty much impossible. It is NOT financial abuse for your husband to expect you to support the family in part. You say you have no skills and would need to retrain, sounds like he would to. Neither of you can afford to retrain so make the best of what you can achieve, BOTH OF YOU. He needs to be more reliable, but you need to step up in this partnership and do what you can to provide for the children. You keep saying you want stability. Where is the stability if he can't cover the food bill, or you're made homeless or you choose divorce and the chaos that could cause for years. It doesn't sound like it would be amicable. I imagine you would get very very little equity and you'd still need to work. Ultimately this isn't about protecting what you WANT your priority should be what the family NEEDS. at the moment that is not a SAHM and an unreliable sole earner.

I have 2 daughters and would be mortified if either of them had a hpt dinner on the table for their husband after work every night and had never seen a bill. How frightening that they would have no idea of their financial situation and were at the mercy of their husband not meeting someone else and leaving them destitute. I hope they'll watch me go out to work and want to do the same.

"
I get up in the morning, make breakfast for the kids, husband and myself, pack their lunches, drop the kids off to school. come home, do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, make lunch, by the time lunch is done it's time to hand the laundry, then I do the dishes again. Make dinner. Do the dishes.

By then it's already 3pm. I pick up the kids and then it's intense until their bedtime. And then I have to clean the mess they made."

Reality check OP, most women do all of these thing and work as well.
You really need to start living in the real world.

I was wondering that if she spent that long cleaning then her children may as well have been in nursery for all the attention she would be giving them.

It seems as if you are only asking advice on how to help your DH get a better paying job , not to help him but so that you can still be a SAHM .

I think you've hit the nail on the head @butterpuffed

Well how have you been affording it so far ? Clearly you can if you got the mortgage ?

Has he factored in childcare costs ? That would wipe out most of a second income !

You can save money by budgeting in other areas surely ?

I think you’ve had a hard time on here OP, or at least, that you’ve had a hard time whereas your husband is getting very little criticism. Just as you don’t want to work, he doesn’t want to parent and clean, a lot of people don’t seem to think that’s even worth mentioning, but it is. He’s a man who seems to want tradition when it suits him, but the world doesn’t work like that.

Theres nothing wrong with a traditional set up if that’s what you both want, but he doesn’t anymore, he wants you to work, he has to accept that means HE has to take on more at home. There’s no cosplaying as provider for him anymore, he has to get stuck in. He doesn’t get to dictate that you work AND do all parenting and housework whilst he flits from one poorly paid job to another because he can’t control his bad attitude. He needs to grow up, and so do you.

I suspect this might be an AI post anyway because of all the american language, but on the off chance, find a job OP, for your own sake (you didn't marry a man who is cut out to be the provider and play traditional roles with you), you need to be able to provide for yourself and your children, and tell him how things will change. He doesn’t get it all his own way.

OP - your parents didn’t do you any favours by not preparing you for the world of work! Do you have English and maths GCSE? A levels? Look at jobs in the civil service. A lot can be done remotely and they are helpful to those who work flexibly. Or put a bit of a spin on what you did for your Dad and look at a career in retail or managing a business.

I thought we weren't allowed to use the T word on MN if we doubted the veracity of the OP!! Some strange elements to this thread. America has been mentioned, all sorts of naivety and obsfuscation, swerving the issues, odd take on stuff for life in the UK in 2023, cultural influence or no.

It's the school holidays and people of various ages are bored, bored, bored.

Intentionally homeless? And what will you do with the money from the sale?

But you're not married to a very nice man so you do need to get a job.

Eleanor

@Yalta I'd been wondering about the mentality of "sell our house and get a council house", even if it were that easy! I'm guessing he thinks universal credit would pay the rent whereas he's having to pay the mortgage. I'm also suspicious he's planning to stop work and live off OP, as well as expecting her to do all housework and childcare. But what you say about him potentially planning to hide the equity, then divorce her and claim it's all gone so she gets none, makes a lot of sense. I wouldn't trust him*

I have seen this type of thing happen more than once so I would be very very wary.

SueVineer
emm no, he works as a delivery driver and op has no job history and would likely get an entry level part time job. He’s not going to be able to “live off op” but she does need to financially contribute as he doesn’t earn enough to pay the bills. Of course he also needs to step up in the house too

At the moment I read it as the dh wasn’t working again (I think that he probably expects a full meal from scratch to be prepared and served for lunch when he is home.) and if he was working that it wasn’t going to be long before he gets the sack.

One thing in going to work if your dh is also in full time employment and going to do 50% of the childcare, housework, cooking, washing up etc quite another if yours is the only income and your dh won’t lift a finger because in his culture that is not his job

If she goes to work full time I suspect that he will go for a divorce and then claim sole custody of the children and he will go on benefits and end up staying in the marital home and she will be the one paying him child benefit and she will end up homeless.

Seen it all before it’s like a script from some soap opera
The only way off is to pull the rug now before he stops paying the mortgage altogether, or “sells” the house to a relative (seen that happen before. I grew up in some bad neighbourhoods. But the selling the house to a relative so the wife got nothing was done by someone with money)

Have you looked into that? Do you need to claim UC?

Hi OP,

I dont usually reply on threads but you sound really sweet and id like to offer my thoughts in case its any help!

In a sense its not really relevant whether he should or shouldnt be threatening to sell the house - if your finances are that tight already then theres a real likelihood that you'll end up missing mortgage payments and possibly end up with the bank taking the house back. Even if this doesnt happen, having an income of your own will provide a safety net for both you and your children, which will be needed either way, but especially if you do end up separating from your husband. So on that basis, it would be very sensible to get a job - there are plenty that offer part time hours so it doesnt need to be full time. But even if he changed his mind now and said ok you dont have to work, you could still end up losing your house if something happens and you cant afford to pay the mortgage, and then youre in a worse position anyway than if youd just gotten a job!

On the separate issue of whether he should be threatening, in an ideal world no he shouldnt, and if it was agreed that you would be a sahm and now he is changing his mind because he cannot hold down a job then that must feel really unfair to you and i can totally understand. But you have to deal with the reality of where you both are financially now, no matter how difficult it is. And to be fair to him, if you are in a situation where you likely cannot afford to keep the house unless you work, then its difficult to say that to.someone without it sounding like a threat if you see what i mean?

What it comes down to is would you rather get a job (even a part time hours one), or lose the house?

Also I 100% agree that if youre working, he should be doing part of the childcare and household tasks, but it doesnt sound like he will, and thats a separate issue that you may want to consider as well in the future as to whether you want to be with him.

Best of luck x

I want this too, so do lots of people. However most families need two incomes now, even if one person has a high paying job. Sounds like you are living to previous generations’ ideals. You need to get a job.

also contract delivery driving is hellish from what I’ve heard, they use any excuse to get rid of someone - so I do have some sympathy for your husband.