Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

You would not get a council house, therefore would have to rent privately which is expensive. There are other options: have you considered extending the term of your mortgage to reduce your monthly outgoings or remortaging to pay off any loans, credits cards etc. that you might have. Overhaul your monthly outgoings and see where you can cut back - television packages, monthly subscriptions, mobile phone bills. take aways, food bills, annual insurance costs (never auto renew, always do a price comparison), energy consumption etc.

Maybe he wants to divorce OP so getting rid of the house before he shows his hand.

I think you should at least get a part time job be prepared for anything as you never know.

how are you paying for everything while hes in between jobs ?

I haven’t read the whole post but would think he is trying to say as a couple you need more money. Everything is so expensive now. So yes you do probably need a job. Could you do preschool/school work would that be enough to make a difference until your youngest starts school. As you would need to factor in childcare if you’re working all day. I’m a single parent privately renting, they don’t give out council houses now days only to those with nowhere to live I believe. Selling your home wouldn’t count.

It’s absolutely this

Your husband isn't and will probably never be a good provider.

You are going to have to work to support yourself and the kids, who will get a lot more expensive as teenagers.

I think you need to forget about what friends do and accept that.

If he is on a minimum wage job paying a £900 mortgage which will be increasing rapidly with interest rates, plus all other bills then it doesn't add up.

You can be as dissatisfied with him as you like but this is who you married and he isn't going to change that I can see.

The sooner you start with a few hours in some job the better position you'll be in for the future.

Not because he told you to, but because your children need that.

Op, if I was you I would:

1. Look for a job right now! Not for your husband but for your children. Your children need a financially responsible parent, your dh is proving he is not one. Do it for yourself and your children.

1. Your children need a home to live in and one you own is better and cheaper than a hostel/ hotel.

I have a friend who was being financially abused, she didn't divorce her husband but she separate from him. Culturally this was accepted. She didn't have head space to fight culturally as well as get her self out of an abusive life. She got the children, he got a second wife and he dosent enter her house. They at first told everyone he moved in to care for his 'father'. After a while he got married (not legally) again.

She got legal separation and he visits his dc a lot. Her inlaw take the dc while she works during the weekend. The inlaw are playing the game, make it look like they are happy with her. What a wonderful daughter in law they have, allowing their son to get a second wife. Of course we support them all, we love her very much....

All friend cares about is that her dc are happy and safe in her inlaw house. She buys herself things with her own money. She says she don't want to get married again, but if she changes her mind she will look for talaq / divorce then. But she knows she will lose support from her inlaw if she dose that.

What also help her get the fire to leave was the fact he blindsighted her with his gambling problems and hid the late payment letters. They did have their home repossessed.

You right now, know how things are. If you lose your house, you children house after being told something needs to change and you refuse to at least try and fix it. It won't look good. However, if you try and you can't do it. That is a different story.

You can claim the 30hr of free childcare, about 30 days ahead of you starting. You need to claim a term early for a reason. The deadline for next term is 31st August. Read up on it at least. It can get confusing.

Why would you not get a job?
why don’t you go to work and your husband stay at home?

Probably won’t?

What does that mean?

So, OP sits down and they come up with a plan that works?

Not sure why PP was acting like he was financially abusive?

You’ve got to earn some wage to provide for a SAHM and three children.

Maybe their mortgage fixed rate term is coming to an end and he is shitting himself about the cost? Therefore thinking renting would be better? Maybe misconceived but it’s a shed load of pressure on him.

You see him as being financially abusive for expecting you to work and earn, but you are being equally if not more financially abusive expecting him to provide the funds to provide for FIVE people by himself

This pretty much sums it up. In what world is it only on one persons shoulders to provide for a family. I could only imagine what the reaction would have been if I had of announced to DH that I was quitting work as I heard of someone named Doris who was a SAHP so why not, and by the way to accomodate this I expect him to get a much better job. I think 40 years later he’d still be standing frozen in shock with his jaw on the ground, and yes, this would have been abusive on my end.

Expectations also need to be lowered all round. Both DH and I worked full time but opposite shifts/days to avoid childcare and had no family or support nearby. I couldn’t count the times kids never made it out of pj’s. If either one of us had of blown their stack in coming home and finding kids still in pj’s, or they had watched a bit more tv than ideal it never would have worked. You need to be reasonable.

Welcome to the 1950s. Christ, can this be real?

Your culture isn't helping you. The idea of being a sahm with a man with a poor work ethic is a non-starter.

You cant possibly think you are going to be a SAHM and nit have a job for your whole life? Do you realise how poor you will be as an individual of pension age?

The man is unreliable, imo it sounds like he is looking to leave the family in a slow drip fashion or release the cash to spend - I just get that vibe as it seems he is trying to force sale of the house.

Seriously, get a job so that you have more options. You are so vulnerable.

At one point she also mentions that family are back in England.

Because there's a COL crisis, do you think?

You should be looking for a job. Thinking you can just walk into a council house seems absurd!

The thing is, regardless of what was agreed or what you want to happen you now have no choice but to get a job. The decision is really out of your hands.

You can't keep your current house without extra income. You will either end up losing it and getting into debt, or your husband will force a sale.

If you leave your husband, you will need to find a job to support yourself and your children. Benefits simply won't cover everything anymore.

The time for debating whether you should be a sahm or whether he's financially abusive is past. You need to find work.

Start looking at government return to work programs or skill boot camps. There's plenty of advice out there.

You are being incredibly naive here. If the maths don’t add up and you refuse to get a job you’ll lose your home. There will be plenty of jobs you can get part time that will contribute- lots you could do during the day that wouldn’t require wrap-around . I honestly don’t see why people think childcare is such a barrier as you could still be better off.

Worst case scenario- 6 weeks of holiday clubs x£50 a day x3 children for a 5 day a week jobs would be £4500. 3-6 wrap around could be £15x3x 5 x39 = £8775.

Expensive yes but your choice to have 3 children and if you were working full time in a minimum wage job you’d be getting £10.42 an hour x37.5 hours a week or £20.3k per year. After tax and pension of 5% that would be £17k leaving you around £4k better off. That could be the difference between losing or keeping your house.

In reality you’d most likely take a part time job during school hours where you’d minimise the childcare and if you were under tax threshold you’d keep most of it. You probably also wouldn’t need holiday camps every day if your husband was at home either due to working nights.

If you make yourself homeless you won't be considered or put so far down on the list it would take many many years.
You don't just get given a council home that easily, it's very hard.

It’s in your hands OP - get a job and contribute financially or loose the house. Your call.

Get a part time job whilst youngest is at nursery? Won't cost you anything if you work within the 30 free nursery hours, you can stretch them out throughout the holidays in some nurserys to 23 a week or something like that. Even if you worked 15 hours a week at minimum wage you would have £600 before national insurance which would be a big chunk of your mortgage, I'm assuming?

Regardless of rights or wrongs your husband is currently unable to provide enough income to support you and your children. This may change, it may not. For the sake of your children you therefore need to find a way of bringing some money into the household. Ideas such a a TA or lunch supervisor are good and would fit around the children. Other possibilities could be a carer, shop work or provide a service such as ironing or cleaning. Yes standards may slip slightly at home but that's ok. You also learn to adjust for example by batch cooking, using a slow cooker, putting on a wash the night before and hanging it out first thing etc. Maybe your husband will get a better paid job but until then you need to be a team and support each other. All bills are so high at the moment, loads of people are struggling. I certainly wouldn't want the stress of supporting my partner, 3 kids and a mortgage just on my wage. Have you also checked that you are claiming all the benefits you are entitled to if you are on a low income?

She said college that you go to at 16 which is basically 6th form. The only Law course you can do at college would be A level Law. In one post it says she did a Law diploma and in another she says she went to college at 16 and did legal studies. High school, college, working in her dad’s”store” but later it was his cash and carry. None of it rings true.

You don't need to be a SAHM to a 3 year old, they have free nursery hours. If my husband wasn't working and I was struggling to pay the mortgage I would be beyond furious if he refused to get a job and started complaining about me making ultimatums. Women on this forum would be advising me to sell up and divorce.

Try and refocus your anger away from him: it's not his ultimatum, it's the bank that demands to be paid. Why is it that you think you're entitled to a free or cheap house, but not to work for it?

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

Yeah right, like you just pop down the council and 6 years later they'll give you a house ffs is he really that stupid?

In the UK SAHMs are either very wealthy or in poverty.

The vast majority of mothers work (73%).

41% of mothers work full time and 32% work part time.

If you choose not to work then your children will be brought up in poverty and subsidised by people who do work.

You won't continue to live in an owned house. It's you who is calling the shots here and not your DH.

I had one child because that was what we could afford and went back to work four days a week when my baby was six months old. I did miss time with my child and would have preferred to be a SAHM. But I didn't bring up my child in poverty and we now own our house outright. Both of us have occupational pensions.

It is fortunate to be healthy and able to work, there are lots of jobs available in our economy right now.

You have choices and agency OP.

I also do everything you list and work full-time. I condense my hours into 4 long days so that, as a single parent, I have a day to get things done while the children aren't here.

Before I was a single parent, I worked PT from when my dc were 6 months old as that's all the maternity allowance I got and we needed 2 wages to live.

I didn't see it as "missing out" though...I still got to watch my dc's first steps, and did all the other things with them that I would do if I didn't work. I gained a life outside of my 4 walls (which it sounds like you could benefit from), got to use my brain for something other than what chores needed doing in the house in what order and built connections, friends and self-respect. I also had stability and money to fall back on when my ex husband had an affair and managed to buy him out of the family home.

A job is so much more than time away from your children.