Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

I think she meant higher education college.

@namechanged808 it doesn't matter who agrees or disagrees with you.
It doesn't matter who else around you is a sahm or who isn't.
What matters is your family cannot afford for you to be a sahm.
So you all either go under or you get a job. Your dh isn't going to suddenly get a very well paid job that covers the awful cost of living rise, no matter how much you wish he would.
Sahm isn't a right, it's a privilege, and few can afford it in the UK these days. Out of all the mums I know I can only think of one sahm. Working is normal.

And on another note, you list the jobs you do but you're making a lot of a few tasks. How does lunch and washing up count as a job? There's only you for lunch, surely?

He’s bullying you to go to work - you need to see full financial access if not why not!!! Have you enquired re tax credits. Is he fainancially tight.

It sounds like you need a lot more information. What are your incomings that is husbands wage and any benefits? What are your outgoings other than the £900 on mortgage? Bills for utilities, food shopping, clothes shopping as kids grow, TV/streaming/music subscription, running a car/van and other transport do you have any life insurances. Once you have more information then you can decide if the ability to pay the mortgage on your husbands salary is doable or if the need to increase income is urgent. Please dont say you plan on anymore kids as that will just increase the difficulties. Instead time to sell or donate any big baby items still in the house

Welcome to the way the world is now. By the way, I'm home before 5 everg day that I work. Jobs don't automatically mean 9-5 Monday to Friday. There's other hours that require workers.

This cannot be real!

firstly it can take years to get a social house Hahahaha, my auntie is homeless looking for a 3 bed and has been on the list for 6 years.

If you cant afford the house then you either need to sell and downsize or yes GET A JOB. being a woman doesnt just entitle you to sit around and live beyond your needs and expect your partner to pay for it. get a job and then make him split all the other stuff

This. I work four days a week 8.30-4 and manage to do all the things you do in a whole day. I daresay you're a lot more thorough that I am and eat much nicer meals, but me working is the only way DH and I can afford our mortgage. That's just life these days. As a PP said, being a SAHM when your kids are over 2 is a luxury not a right. Sacrifices have to be made. Getting a job and lowering your standards regarding housework and cooking is going to be yours. Manning up and pulling his weight with his job and around the house is going to be your DH's.

It doesn't sound like financial abuse or like he's threatening you, although maybe it sounds like that if he's stressed and you're saying you wont contribute financially.

1. He's saying you, as a family unit, cannot afford the house you live in now on his salary alone.

1. You're saying he's unreliable with jobs. That won't change unless HE wants it to.

1. Even if he wants it to, there's no guarantee he'll be able to find and get a better paying job. They aren't just out there for anyone to take, the job market it hard and competitive now.

1. Some of us are lucky that we have good partners who are excellent husbands, fathers and providers. However, even with a decent salary coming in, these days to own a house two salaries are needed.

I love my job, thankfully. But the ideal family set up for us would have been one of us able to stay home and give DC that time. Unfortunately we can't afford that. So one of us works full time and the other part time and we split the house and childcare stuff accordingly. That's what is normal in UK culture now. Doesn't matter what you want, or what your siblings do, or your friends or what your family thinks. What matters is that your husband is telling you that AS A FAMILY UNIT you have the choice of either both bringing in money or selling the house.

Also, if you can't afford the mortgage payments, if your circumstances don't change, the bank will take the house off you anyway and then that decision will be made for you. You want to keep the house, do something to keep it.

This!

I’d use this moment as a wakeup call to upskill myself for MYSELF. You’ve said it your DH is unreliable, use this moment to do a course a something so you aren’t beholden to his whims.

I’m also south asian, but this attitude of he needs to provide (while the ship is sinking) doesn’t work in the current economic climate and COL constantly increasing. I think you said you said you had a legal marriage in addition to a nikkah, so know (again upskill) that any contribution you make to the household is like you are giving money to charity you’ll get the reward so do something. If he works evenings when he works then you work daytime. This is the moment to do something for you. So that you don’t need to rely on him.

So your husband used to make a lot more money, because he was working in his families business, which he was kicked out of.
Does he actually have any formal qualifications that would make him eligible to get a better paid job, or is he basically an "unskilled" worker?
With his history of being fired, he's also not going to get good references from former employers, he's a major risk for new employers so unlikely to get taken on, over another candidate. Would his families business not take him back?

You say he's working all hours in his current job, and as a delivery driver? Driving all day takes a lot of concentration (my dad was a delivery driver for many years) and can be very tiring, he's probably exhausted. With all the will in the world, your husband can't magic more hours in the day to be able to work, or insist on a higher salary or pick and choose a better paying job just because he wants/needs more money.

You're only just getting by, you don't say how long your mortgage term is fixed for if it is a fix, and if its not, or it runs out soon, current rates are astronomical, you definitely won't be able to afford any increase (and thats before the cost of food, fuel, energy etc also rising added on top).

You've reached your saturation point, your income cannot absorb any more costs, and yet they're almost certainly coming. You no longer have the luxury of living life how you want, but instead how you need, in order to provide for your three children. Because surely as all must agree, your childrens needs should be everyone involveds priority here. You have never previously had to work, and you don't want to work, but in order to keep a secure home for your children and food in their stomach, you need to atleast try. Both you and your husband need to adapt and let go of your ideal cultural roles if this is going to work out. He needs to become involved in house running and upkeep and some childcare, and you need to earn some money to help provide financially. Ultimately, if BOTH of you aren't willing to bend and work as a team, then you'll probably end up unable to pay the mortgage, and have your house taken from you, with no money in return to show for the years of mortgage you paid, and 3 kids homeless.

You see him as being financially abusive for expecting you to work and earn, but you are being equally if not more financially abusive expecting him to provide the funds to provide for FIVE people by himself.

By all means, continue to be selfish and insist on doing what you WANT and put all the blame on him, instead of doing what you NEED to do for the welfare of your children. But know it is JUST as much on you as your husband if/when your children inevitably suffer.

@namechanged808 has absolutely no intention of working. None. Nada.

As such, I have no idea what solution she thinks will happen. Because her husband (who is apparently always being fire/suspended) is unlikely to ‘just get a better job’, as she wishes. “Just earn more money, duh…”

OP, I think you’d better brace yourself to lose your house, which I’ve no idea how you both apparently afford, because you’re completely at the mercy of this man if you’re not prepared to work yourself. Which you’re clearly not.

Either take some control or responsibility, or don’t, but this thread is totally pointless.

To any of the posters saying she couldn't possibly work because of childcare in the holidays.

• term time only job is an option
• DH already works evening so if she gets a job during the day then he can watch the kids while she's at work
• she says she has relatives who'd be willing to have the entire family move in with them if they sold their house, and apparently lots of SAHPs, so I'm sure they help out with holiday cover.
• DH has 5 weeks annual leave, OP wold have 5 weeks annual leave so only 3 weeks would need covered, 5 weeks if they took 2 weeks together over the year. Every parent is entitled to 18 weeks unpaid leave per child to be taken before the child turns 18. So OP could take the unpaid leave which in a min wage job would would probably work out cheaper than 3 x holiday club.

Why would you assume he’s financially tight if the OP has been a sahm for some time ? Could it be that he feels increasingly under pressure paying for everything rom one salary during the most serious cost of living crisis in some years ?

But things are getting increasingly expensive. Maybe you do need to get a job or downsize ? Hardly unreasonable to want a life where you have money left over for holidays, trips away, small luxuries.

Who's paying into a pension for you?

Even if we sell it and move to a relative in between?

oh that’s too funny… no, in my LA, you’d be placed in the lowest band, provided we do actually class you as legitimately homeless. Tell your DuH to give his head a wobble. You’d have been expected to interact with your LA’s housing department way before losing your house due to it being unaffordable. If it was determined that you’d made yourself intentionally homeless, the LA would have no duty to offer you any kind of housing.

My LA has a policy where homeless applicants can only be awarded flats to stop this kind of non-sense. You would also have to wait for one to become available so would be expected to accept a hostal/temp accommodation in the meantime. Grim, but “how homeless are you?”

I still think you haven't quite understood what we are saying. You must STOP focusing on him. Your work isn't to support him to make more of himself.

OP I suspect he IS abusive, not because he's a low earner or thinks he can't pay the mortgage, but because he doesn't think he should do any childcare or cleaning or house admin, not ever, not even if you're struggling. He leaves your children in pj's all day and gives you no break. And his idea of improving things is that you do all the changing, go out to work and keep all the home jobs too -and he doesn't have to change.

Don't hang onto this idea of culture. It's keeping you stuck in outdated roles that will crush you. It's stopping him stepping up for the family and it's letting you hide from the real world outside your house.

You can't control or change what he does, but you can secure your future. You must start to work, build up your national insurance contributions so you are not left penniless in your old age. Start to work, to show your lazy husband that he must step up at home. He'll have to do drop offs and packed lunches. Millions of men do. If he does it so badly your children are neglected, that is his shame and you and your wider family can work on him that way.

Make him change to step up at home while you try to work. That's the way to do it, not try to push him into a better job.

I understand most people would love to be a stay at home mum. Did you want to be a stay at home mum long term until which age? The cost of childcare is extortionate especially when they are so young - most of us have to just pull through this but it does get easier when they older.
I went back to work when my child was 6 months and did night shifts twice per week I had to otherwise I wouldn't be able to buy are necessities. When my child was 3 I got a new job working during in the day. You get 30 funded hours this age and 25 per cent tax free childcare. If you are receiving UC I believe you will get money of childcare paid for. After school clubs also are not very expensive I thought I would struggle but we are lot more comfortable now.
There are many benefits to working, you can also build on your pension, save for your kids future, provide them an example of a good work ethic and women are can do both.
You could try part time, term time, take up a course and invest in yourself.
When you have time sit down come up with a plan many of us worry about childcare costs and spending less time with our kids but we get through those first few years. And when they are at school we can utilise that time to earn. Good luck you can do this

OP can you work at lunchtime? Try any sort of food service place - McDonalds, Subway, fish and chip shops etc, they must want people for a few hours in the middle of the day. Bonus is that you should get a meal at work so won't need to think about lunch.

You will likely have to drop a lot of the cooking and cleaning, but so be it, it sounds like you're doing far too much anyway. I hope you're not doing a lot of time consuming cooking for your DH? But definitely batch cook, you will save so much work and it works brilliantly for south Asian food.

Do you have any extended family support? Can you arrange some? We're white, but a relative of mine married into quite a traditional south Asian family and she joined in a cooking and childcare collective with some of her DHs sisters and cousins, so they shared a lot of the childcare, the school runs, wraparound care and cooking between them so they didn't have to do it every day and there was always a back up for any sick days etc because there was always someone available to do a pick up if they were working or could come in and mind a sick child. Gave them all time to work if they wanted/needed to and also time to themselves.

Massive reach. He’s carrying the financial load himself, and he wants OP to get a job and contribute. So he must be thinking of leaving, therefore her best option is to divorce him ? Really ?

Go and get a mf job

Or with the cost of living crisis he just cannot make ends meet!

Which is fair enough @BlastedIce but he also needs to do some of the work looking after his DC, cleaning his house and cooking for the family, which the OP has said that he probably won't do.

He doesn't get to have it both ways, a wife who financially contributes, and possibly gives him an excuse to work even less, without stepping up and doing his share at home too.

With the increase in cost of living, particularly mortgage costs, it maybe that whilst you could afford to live before on one wage, that you can't now. Could you get a part-time job that fits in the kid's nursery and school hours? It doesn't need to be full time, then you still have time for housework. Tbh I struggle to see how the housework that you have to do fills up all your time whilst the kids are in school/nursery. Why does lunch involve such a long time cooking and cleaning up, just have a sandwich? As you kids get older everything will be easier, they won't need you to be so hands on, and they can clean up after themselves. I do think you're being unreliable to refuse to work at all, even part time.