Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

Yes many women marry men from back home too but as it’s a man’s world in the culture they do not do it control the man, they do it often because it’s an easier option when there are slim pickings in their network in the U.K. or it’s more convenient again it’s the pressure to get married and often it’s done so the girl does not have to relocate to the husband’s locality so this way the girl remains more local to her own family and is somewhat protected as she doesn’t lose her support network. I also know many divorced women who marry from back home as it’s easier to remarry that way as the man will have the incentive to get a visa. So it’s win win in a way. But again it’s that pressure to get married. Nobody talks about this irl but these are the reasons. Different motivations compared to the men marrying back home. Often men from back home are treated with more respect compared to the women. Of course there are many woman who happen to fall in love with men from back home and vice versa but I don’t know anyone irl.

@namechanged808 do you have full access to the family finances? I’d be spending £3 and checking the title deeds of the family home on the land registry website. You’ll see how many loans are registered against the house. There should only be one - the current mortgage.

Culture issues aside, your husband’s reaction to sell the house is not a rational one and does smack of information omission. £900 pcm is very likely to be less than rent on a privately rented 3 bed property. Mentioning a council house also arouses suspicion rather than naïveté. My spidey senses would be looking for gambling debts. Can you check the search history on the devices in the home?

As pps have said, it’s vanishingly unlikely you will be given a council house if you sell your home and make yourselves homeless. Especially as you would probably have a large chunk of money in equity. It’s also really unlikely private renting will cost less than your mortgage. So your husband’s ultimatum makes no sense.

That said, being financially responsible for a family of five in a cost of living crisis is a lot of pressure. Have you spoken about finances - what is your earning power? How much would childcare cost, and is it worth you returning to work while dc still so small? Are there other areas you can cut back on?

I don’t want to sound dramatic but could your dh be looking at leaving you

If you got a divorce whilst still
Home owners you would be entitled to half the equity at least if the courts say the property needs to be sold.

If you decided to sell and go into private rented (and pay someone else’s mortgage. I think your dh has no understanding of how few council properties there are.)
Would the entire equity of the house be put into your dh’s bank account and if he then walks away you would be left with nothing.
I am sure the equity will suddenly disappear from his account if he gets an inkling that you are looking to take 1/2 of it.

Another reason he might want you to get a job is if he ends up being the SAH parent he could get sole custody of your children on divorce and you would end up having to pay him maintenance

I think at this time of your life you need to divorce your dh and start to be more financially aware

Maybe look at the website Entitled to and see what benefits you would get to if you were to be a single parent

Also if you were to claim Universal. Credit as a single parent you could have someone help you with your CV. I think you have a lot of transferable skills

i know now you wanted to be a Sahm but in order to do that you needed to marry someone more reliable who could hold down a job

i think if you organise yourself you will show your ds’s just what a woman can do and that is as huge life lesson

First off, your husband does not sound like he's fulfilling his responsibilities to you and his children. He needs to take a bit of responsibility for his half of the equation that is balancing real life demands.

However, you can't change his behaviour, only your own.

Being a SAHP with 3 children (all at nursery or school), with a mortgage and bills in the current financial situation, may well no longer be affordable. If the family finances don't add up to enough to keep you all stable, then you need to change something so they do.

Even if your husband were to get a better job, it probably wouldn't balance the books enough. I'm assuming from his employment history given here that he'd be unlikely to get a high-paying professional career without having to retrain for a time.

So, what else can be done so that the finances balance?

Are you applying for all the benefits you're entitled to? Are you willing to move to a smaller house or one that isn't as nice?

Where do your priorities lie?

If you want the nice house and all the other nice things, you probably can't afford to be a SAHP any more. Conversely, if being a SAHP is more important, then you probably can't afford the nice house any more.

Getting a job isn't the worst thing. You'd still have time with your family and time for yourself, it just means your schedule is different from now. The majority of mums do need to work, at least once their children are at pre-school or school; the financial situation in this country (and most of the world at the moment) means it'd be hard to get by otherwise.

Why not look for something part-time, that either gets you work experience in a field that interests you or leads to a qualification, or that gives you flexibility with your hours to fit around morning routines and school pick-up times? Then, once your children are older, you can use that job as a foundation for more of a career.

You mentioned financial abuse - if your husband is abusive but you haven't felt able to go into detail here, then a job becomes even more important! Having your own income and potential to develop your financial independence means you would have a safety net to leave and still provide for your children. Keep your income separate, going in to your own private bank account.

You absolutely have the right to divorce him if you want to divorce him. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

@Yalta I'd been wondering about the mentality of "sell our house and get a council house", even if it were that easy! I'm guessing he thinks universal credit would pay the rent whereas he's having to pay the mortgage. I'm also suspicious he's planning to stop work and live off OP, as well as expecting her to do all housework and childcare. But what you say about him potentially planning to hide the equity, then divorce her and claim it's all gone so she gets none, makes a lot of sense. I wouldn't trust him.

You enjoy the home life and house keeping etc.
Times are tough and maybe your husband would start to work more consistently if you, too, could shoulder some financial burden.
You could enjoy having a job for up to twelve hours per week somewhere while your child is in nursery.

Is there a hobby or area that you see as joyful.
Is there an area where you see yourself being very competent?
An assistant in retail, floristry, laundry, childcare, coffee shop, shopping for the elderly, cleaning for house builders, making curtains.
You could work only hours that suit your family and work where you are not obligated in case your family is sick etc.

I think it is great to be buying your own home.

Welll done.

Have you been in the house long? What's he planning to do with the money you'll net from a sale? It doesn't make financial sense to me. How is your marriage? Could he be looking for an out? Sell the house so he has cash in hand and not tied up in property? If you "help him" make a living, will he then, "help you" care for your home and children? Lots to discuss here...

You have set ways of doing things that might have to change. Cooking three meals from scratch every day? That changes. Simplify.

As he's so unhelpful I'd agree to work only the hours the children are in school/nursery. But that's just me.

Do you have access to the full family financial information - exactly what is coming in, what is going out, where it is going etc etc?

It sounds like you do need to work, but putting that aside for a minute.

You cannot sell your property, make yourselves intentionally homeless, and then get a council house.

Council houses are allocated by priority of need - you have a home, if you give it up willingly and move into a family members home, you will absolutely be bottom of that list.

To put that list into perspective, people who are top of that list are those in temporary accomodation like B&B's, are overcrowded with people sleeping in rooms that are not bedrooms, teenagers sharing with younger children etc. They may have disability or SEN requirements, and they will be unintentionally homeless, ie not their choice.

They will still be waiting YEARS to be homed, and you're not likely to get a bigger home than you currently have, particularly if the younger two (or all of the) kids are the same gender so can share permanently.

For a 3 bed property, you're looking at a 2 year wait if you were TOP of the list.

You'd be bottom of the list. You'll be waiting, forever, I mean until the kids age out of being considered children any more and no longer count - (you'd be expected to tell them to find their own accommodation!), possibly longer.

Private rented - you'll be paying as much or more in rent than you now pay for the mortgage.

The only way YOU can alter the current state of affairs is to work.

Ideally, your husband would pull his finger out, work hard, stop doing whatever it is he is doing to lose jobs, and also help out with the kids but you can't MAKE him do that. You can only do you.

Your husband needs to find better employment, a second job or make amends with his family and get back into the business.

You are a full-time mother and there is nothing wrong with that. It used to be the norm but this newer generation have been brainwashed into thinking that anything which doesn’t earn cash is you being lazy. Don’t listen to them.

However, start looking into ways you can bring in extra cash for you and your children for the future. Can you work from home doing something part-time? Even if only a few hours? You have a legal studies diploma, can you brainstorm ways you could use that and top-up your credentials?

I’m also a SAHM and it was agreed to before we married. I love this life and my husband enjoys it too but if he loses his job tomorrow, I know he’d do anything to get in cash. He’s incredibly hard working. But I too could find work if necessary and I keep up my skills just in case.

Good luck and don’t be bullied by anyone here and especially by your husband. Sit down with him and work out a plan for the future TOGETHER. Stay calm, gentle and be the nature one in all discussions with him. You can do it!

Sorry, I meant be the mature one :-)

I don't blame him for wanting a bit more in life than the basics.

Is there any culture in the world where women don't work if money is tights and/or their dh is a waster? Also, men can get I'll, be made redondant, die ... need a plan B.

emm no, he works as a delivery driver and op has no job history and would likely get an entry level part time job. He’s not going to be able to “live off op” but she does need to financially contribute as he doesn’t earn enough to pay the bills. Of course he also needs to step up in the house too.

You don't feel like you should have to work - why not? I know that you grew up in a culture where you don't have to work, but now you are in the real world, in a COL crisis and your husband is telling you he is struggling

Your husband is telling you that you are not coping financially - why is he the one taking all of the financial burden?

Being a SAHM is a luxury you cannot afford at the moment, so either move to a cheaper house (though I very much doubt that private rent will be cheaper than your mortgage), or you need to get out and help contribute to the finances in the house

It’s not true that women not working used “to be the norm”. Working class women always worked outside the home.

Tbh it doesn’t sound like op can downsize- small three bedroom house with three kids. So realistically she needs to get a job.

I knew women who earned extra but they didn’t necessarily leave the house. And the vast majority of lower to middle class women did not work outside the home once married with children. This is a modern phenomenon.

As fir everyone saying she should get a job, why can’t he hold one down? Women have become slaves to hopeless men! He should be the provider.

You are married to a man who creates chaos and instability for his family. It's a form of psychological and emotional abuse.

You need to seriously reconsider this relationship. You are never going to be able to relax or count on your plans coming coming to fruition while you are tied to this individual. A house you can make your own? This will only happen if you are the only person responsible for paying for it.

Get a PT job as a means of ultimately moving to full time. You need to always have your own income, and you need to be ready at some point to provide for your children all by yourself.

I agree

Not all
jobs need to be Monday to Friday 9-5, I worked in the evening when mine were small.

I agree. I call bullshit.

Dear Op, I know this culture well and think you have alot on your plate but fantastic you're facing up to the issues.
You'll have to prioritise what's worth tackling immediately and what can be put aside for now.
It's not clear if you're at imminent risk of losing the house but clearly your husbands work ethic is making him panic that this could potentially happen. I pray it doesn't.
The council thing/private rent isn't a realistic or pragmatic option so make him aware of that.
In the meantime I think prepare yourself and him mentally and from a practical perspective, that you'll have to start working outside of the home now. Eg. September.
Be a dinner lady, lollipop lady, supermarket shelf filler or warehouse. All can be done during school hours. Yes the youngest will have nursery fees but you'll be entitled to government support for some hours, as a working mum.
It's not what u want to hear and not what u want for your children right now but the risk of losing your home isn't worth it my dear.
The little one will enjoy fun times at nursery and big ones will be in school.
This need not be forever.
Yes he is being difficult and demanding and probably panicking too on what the future holds with the current cost of living crisis but he does need your help.
The alternative is he starts working during the day as a 2nd job but I don't see him agreeing to do that.
If I were you, I'd take on something during school hours and since he will be home, start showing him what you'll need him to help with in your absence, like the dishes, or put washing in machine then hang it out etc. This is all alien to him, so be smart and ease him in, let him see that team work is a necessity but you're willing to compromise.
Your families will neither take you in nor put money in your pockets so this is on you two adults now.
You won't want to go thru the whole repossession thing and nows not the best time to sell.
I've been there with a man like this, so know what it's like. You can do this OP; just have to forget about what family/ friends will say, and do what's right for the here and now.

Sorry I got this far reading the thread and have jumped in before the end, I’m sorry if things have moved on.

what you’re seeing as an “ultimatum” and “changing his mind” sounds an awful lot like the sole wage earner telling you in good time that he’s worried he cannot maintain that in a cost of living crisis.

if I were you I’d be looking for ways to work and bring in an income to support the family and not be complaining about my husband.

So you can’t stay a SAHM. Millions can’t do that. Things change. You and your H should be a partnership. I think you need to change your perspective here and have a conversation about how you make it work and what jobs you could look for that can fit into your lives.