Page 18 | Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

namechanged808 · 2023-08-08T22:04:48+00:00

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house. I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7. He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house. I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children. My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house. I don't know what to do

FrangipaniBlue · 09/08/2023 02:09

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 08/08/2023 23:54

The OP's children are 3, 5, and 7. Are people REALLY suggesting she gets off her arse and gets a JOB? Because her husband is a poor provider??? She HAS a job. A full time mother, wife, and homemaker. People on here are banging on like the kids are 10 years older.

I would find any man who I had given THREE children to, who are all under 8, whining at me to get a job - because his earnings were not enough to look after his family - DEEPLY unattractive. I would question this relationship truth be told. I would be looking into selling up, moving into the relative's home that the OP mentioned - (or her parents,) and setting up a life of my own without him. OP would get all kinds of help from benefits, and her husband would be forced to give financial help too, and would have to look after his own kids 2-3 days a week.

This is literally alien to me. I can't imagine for a second my husband telling me to piss off out to work to bring more money in, or he'll put the house up for sale. He would have got a better job, or an EXTRA job to bring more money in As it happens I carried on working part time and we were OK financially, but like fuck would I have tolerated him demanding I go to work full time because he was a shit provider.

@namechanged808 Your DH needs to earn more. As I said, you HAVE a job FFS! It's not your fault he is a poor earner, (and a poor provider.) Tell him to do better! Do better for his family!

I can hear the 1950s calling...... they want you back

Honeychickpea · 09/08/2023 02:12

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:24

My family believe I'm in the right, but that divorcing him would be a bad idea.
My in-laws don't want to get involved

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No doubt they don't want another four dependents landing on their doorstep in these tough times.

LifeExperience · 09/08/2023 02:14

You want us to tell you how to make your husband get a better job. But there's no magic formula to get another person to do anything. He is highly unlikely to change, and you can't change him. No easy answers, OP.

OrangeCrayon · 09/08/2023 02:15

But, if remarriage is nearly impossible in south asian communities, wouldn't it be the reason why her parents are telling her not to get divorced, rather than "what would people say"?

Why? Is there something wrong with not being married?

caringcarer · 09/08/2023 02:17

If you can't afford your mortgage and you want to keep the house then you need to put your 3 year old in nursery and get a job, at least part time to bring in some money. When DC starts school go full time

pinkoverall · 09/08/2023 02:18

OrangeCrayon · 09/08/2023 02:15

But, if remarriage is nearly impossible in south asian communities, wouldn't it be the reason why her parents are telling her not to get divorced, rather than "what would people say"?

Why? Is there something wrong with not being married?

in south asian cultures, from what I've seen, very much so. There is a lot of pressure on women to get married.

momonpurpose · 09/08/2023 02:20

Honeychickpea · 09/08/2023 02:12

No doubt they don't want another four dependents landing on their doorstep in these tough times.

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This 10 times over! They don't want to get involved because clearly someone needs to take care of you and they don't want the job

tt9 · 09/08/2023 02:20

@pinkoverall it's true remarriage is probably part of the reasoning. but that again is based on 'what will people say'.

the truth is, that even though OP was brought up here, there is ghettoisation in certain areas/communities where the mindset does not change from generation to generation. I know I sound harsh, but this is the truth. a lot of it is to do with the way mass immigration occurred in 60s/70s from very underprivileged regions with 0 education. they were housed together and many remain their in what are some of the poorest parts of the UK with very little social mobility.

funnily if you go to the countries of origin, things are much better. I am from Bangladesh, we have had women prime ministers for the last 30 years or so... women are equally educated, they work although of course there are issues.

WomanHereHear · 09/08/2023 02:21

@tt9 completely agree, my observations too.

OrangeCrayon · 09/08/2023 02:21

in south asian cultures, from what I've seen, very much so. There is a lot of pressure on women to get married.

OP needs to grow a backbone then and ignore this misogynistic crap and get on with providing for her children, one way or another.

pinkoverall · 09/08/2023 02:21

OrangeCrayon · 09/08/2023 02:21

in south asian cultures, from what I've seen, very much so. There is a lot of pressure on women to get married.

OP needs to grow a backbone then and ignore this misogynistic crap and get on with providing for her children, one way or another.

100%!

pinkoverall · 09/08/2023 02:22

tt9 · 09/08/2023 02:20

@pinkoverall it's true remarriage is probably part of the reasoning. but that again is based on 'what will people say'.

the truth is, that even though OP was brought up here, there is ghettoisation in certain areas/communities where the mindset does not change from generation to generation. I know I sound harsh, but this is the truth. a lot of it is to do with the way mass immigration occurred in 60s/70s from very underprivileged regions with 0 education. they were housed together and many remain their in what are some of the poorest parts of the UK with very little social mobility.

funnily if you go to the countries of origin, things are much better. I am from Bangladesh, we have had women prime ministers for the last 30 years or so... women are equally educated, they work although of course there are issues.

oh wow, really interesting!!

caringcarer · 09/08/2023 02:23

It's unlikely you will just walk into a council house. I know a family with 4 dc and they were on the waiting list for 7 years before they got one. Mum, Dad and youngest 2 (6 and 9) had to stay with her Mum and oldest 2 (10 & 14) with his Mum. They couldn't afford Private Rented.

DrJump · 09/08/2023 02:27

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:26

But I feel like selling today is something we would both massively regret in a few years

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Yes, that is what I am saying. If your husband wants a council house you selling your and moving into a relatives is likely to mean you never get a council house.

If you want to stay in the house but can't afford the house on a single salary you will need job.

fullbloom87 · 09/08/2023 02:27

tt9 · 09/08/2023 02:20

@pinkoverall it's true remarriage is probably part of the reasoning. but that again is based on 'what will people say'.

the truth is, that even though OP was brought up here, there is ghettoisation in certain areas/communities where the mindset does not change from generation to generation. I know I sound harsh, but this is the truth. a lot of it is to do with the way mass immigration occurred in 60s/70s from very underprivileged regions with 0 education. they were housed together and many remain their in what are some of the poorest parts of the UK with very little social mobility.

funnily if you go to the countries of origin, things are much better. I am from Bangladesh, we have had women prime ministers for the last 30 years or so... women are equally educated, they work although of course there are issues.

My mother was a nurse in the 70's on a maternity ward and she said at the time the whole ward was full of very young Asians girls with much older husbands. I can imagine it's hard to shake tradition for a lot of minority communities. Trying to keep things as they were whilst battling against the high cost of living in the uk . Would probably be better to move to a country where it's cheaper. I have no idea why some people come here. That's a question I would love to know.

Cucucucu · 09/08/2023 02:28

Your husband is not forcing you , he is telling you he alone cannot afford to keep the house and if you want to you need to work and help with the expenses .

WomanHereHear · 09/08/2023 02:33

@fullbloom87 they came here for a ‘better life’ but I have learned that this better life was for the men not the women. The women needed to behave and dress like they were from the village so they could be controlled but men could live the American dream to a certain extent. Thankfully more families want better for their girls but there are still many especially in more deprived areas who want to keep these traditions so they keep bringing the women from back home as they know more and more British born women will not take shit.

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 09/08/2023 02:40

The point at which he got chucked out if the family business is the point at which you needed to start thinking about some kind of job you could do yourself. Is this the same family that's still bad mouthing him to you, but doesn't have any practical solutions? They're not helping you.

I'm not saying this to be judgemental as I really feel for your situation. These people saying 'just get a job', have they not noticed the unemployment figures! ?Cleaning, working in Tesco, are you any good at sewing? Could you sell on etsy? Don't wait for your husband to change. You could be waiting forever for that.

tt9 · 09/08/2023 02:45

OrangeCrayon · 09/08/2023 02:21

in south asian cultures, from what I've seen, very much so. There is a lot of pressure on women to get married.

OP needs to grow a backbone then and ignore this misogynistic crap and get on with providing for her children, one way or another.

agreed. but multigeneratiinal brainwashing is tough to undo. very few manage it.

fullbloom87 · 09/08/2023 02:50

WomanHereHear · 09/08/2023 02:33

@fullbloom87 they came here for a ‘better life’ but I have learned that this better life was for the men not the women. The women needed to behave and dress like they were from the village so they could be controlled but men could live the American dream to a certain extent. Thankfully more families want better for their girls but there are still many especially in more deprived areas who want to keep these traditions so they keep bringing the women from back home as they know more and more British born women will not take shit.

Yes you're absolutely right I've never thought of that. I suppose it's more convenient to import a wife who hasn't been moulded by the western world. Although didn't that masterchef winner marry a man from overseas in an arranged marriage?

tt9 · 09/08/2023 02:53

WomanHereHear · 09/08/2023 02:33

@fullbloom87 they came here for a ‘better life’ but I have learned that this better life was for the men not the women. The women needed to behave and dress like they were from the village so they could be controlled but men could live the American dream to a certain extent. Thankfully more families want better for their girls but there are still many especially in more deprived areas who want to keep these traditions so they keep bringing the women from back home as they know more and more British born women will not take shit.

I partially agree with you. unfortunately the men thought they were coming for a better life but better whose life? not their own. they worked low paid industrial jobs and sent most of the money back home to benefit their extended family. they always planned to go back and built grand houses there but lived meagre lives here. many from Bangladesh were brought from tea plantations where they had already been exploited for centuries.

the men and women from these ghettoised communities have grim prospects. not sure that it is a lot worse for women. both group suffer violence and oppresspion but in different forms.

however these ghettoised communities are very different from immigrants who were not part of the mass migration. People who came for professional advancement and education ..

tt9 · 09/08/2023 02:54

@fullbloom87 a lot of people genuinely choose to marry someone from back home due to perceived cultural benefits.

MissTrip82 · 09/08/2023 02:55

This makes me feel sick to read, your poor children are in a very precarious and stressful position with no reliable working parent. You must step up. Someone needs to provide a reliable income for the children you chose to have. You can’t force your husband but you can take action yourself.

A huge part of your responsibility as a parent is to provide a safe, clean home, appropriate food, and clothing for your children. You need at least one parent in stable employment to do that.

YerArseInParsley · 09/08/2023 02:58

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:07

He says that is the best case scenario.
He wants to look at a private rental if that falls through.

My concern isn't really with council houses themselves, just the ultimatum

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What you call the ultimatum he probably calls reality.

If he's saying yous can't afford the house, where do you think the money is coming from to pay for it? If your not willing to work or go the council way then I expect you have another solution?

EleanorLucyG · 09/08/2023 02:59

OP, if you want to stay together as a family in a house you both own, and if you don't want to work full time, look into downsizing.

Call your bank that holds the mortgage, find out how much is left to pay. Call 3 estate agents (so you can get an average price) and have your house valued. This is free and doesn't require you to commit to anything other than a valuation. Work out how much equity you have in the house (the money you'd have left after the outstanding mortgage is paid off). Talk to estate agents about what properties are available for sale that would mean not taking out a mortgage. Without a mortgage to pay maybe you could afford the rising cost of living with only a part time job for yourself, in addition to your husband's job. Look into decluttering, a minimalistic home is quicker to clean. If you're still going to do all the housework, look into ways to make quicker meals. Which may mean less cooking from scratch or a change of diet. There's a reason most western households have shite diets, messy cluttered houses and not always that clean - it's because both partners work and there's only so many hours in a day. Something has to give, you'll need to work out what.

The benefits calculator already mentioned. You don't have to only enter your current situation. You can run a second check, inputting your hypothetical situation if you were divorced. It will give you an idea of what benefits you may get so you can see it's possible to survive alone until you have found a job, as a single parent. They'll expect you to either buy a property to live in with your money from the house sale or else spend it all on general life costs until there's almost none left if you're going to be renting. So I'd suggest a hypothetical situation of either saying you've a home you own and live in but no savings, or saying you've £5k savings and you're private renting (you can run both scenarios through the calculator if you wish), to give you an idea of your situation financially if you were divorced.

Kicking off if you don't do whatever he wants is verbal abuse. It can escalate onto other forms of abuse in some cases. If you start standing upto him at all and refusing to accept his verbal abuse, he may get worse and you could need to reconsider divorce. So it's best to be prepared and armed with knowledge. If you don't already know, find out all about your family finances. This includes any savings accounts held jointly or individually, any pensions either of you has whether paying into them currently or not, any debts jointly or singly held, any investments in the form of stocks and shares, businesses or additional properties either of you own. You need things like amounts, account numbers, name of financial institutions the account is with, account names it's in and types of account. You may need all this information one day.