Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

Does not seem to answer questions that could help op get what she wants or maybe a compromise. Just replying to debate type ones

Are you on the deeds to this house?
As you’ve never had a proper job, I expect the mortgage and deeds might be in his sole name.
In which case, make sure you register Home Rights Protection, which will have any potential buyer’s solicitor telling them to run a mile.
Once you’ve stopped him selling the house from under you, tell him you’ll look for a job that works for your whole family - and mean it. Accept that it’s likely to be limited in terms of income - lunchtime supervisor is a good one for hours that will fit school runs and holidays. You don’t need all that time for housework. But if you’re doing everything, it’s fair to work part time. Do this not just for him - but for if you ever do decide it’s not your parents’ decision but yours, whether you put up with his shit.
Stop being a martyr and making his breakfast and washing his lunch dishes 🙄

Sorry, I'm ready every post and have gained a lot of insights from the replies. I just get upset when people try to attack or judge me so I tend to reply to them more. Which I shouldn't do

Of course people are suggesting she gets off her arse and goes to work! Most functioning adults manage it, Jesus. Full time mother, wife and homemaker isn’t paying the mortgage in the OP’s case is it? And quite frankly any adult who is at best, late 20s and possibly early 30s and has never worked outside of the home, especially in this economic climate, is an idiot.
The OP’s children are at nursery and school thus leaving a healthy amount of hours each week for the OP to top up the family income. Not to say anything of weekends where part-time work could be done.
SAHM is a luxury that few can afford these days, and the OP certainly can’t by the sounds of things. It’s time to step up.

reading

No thankfully the house is on both our names. Plus we are legally married and it was purchased after our marriage.

He will call me names and throw a fit if I don't

The thing is not many couples in the Uk who own their own home can afford it on one wage. This is just a fact. If he doesn’t have the skills or qualifications to get a better job then how can he? You aren’t qualified either.

it’s all very well saying you should be entitled to be a SAHM but this is 2023 and if you are in danger of losing your home, what else can you do?

I would like to be a SAHM too but we can’t afford it, so I’m not 🤷‍♀️

Let me get this right… You’re smart enough to study law, but you are married to a guy who can’t keep a job and is a shit, lazy father who leaves all the parenting to you? Leave him, go back to England, get a job and buy your own house. You would get benefits and tax credits to top you up and pay for childcare while you establish your career, and you wouldn’t be looking after a useless lump.

I get that. Thank you for being understanding and putting it so kindly

The thing is it is BOTH of your responsibility to insure that the family has sufficient income for its needs. Up until now he's been able to earn 'enough' and you have taken care of the home. But now he is saying he either can't or won't work more hours. Under the assumption that he works a 'full work week' it's not right to expect him to work more hours or get a job he wouldn't be happy with simply because it would mean more money. But even if he isn't working 'full time' you can't force him to work more if he doesn't want to. So if the family really can't make ends meet then the money has to come from somewhere. I don't think its too much to ask you to help make up the shortfall. Nor would it be too much to outline to him what he would need to do in order to facilitate you being able to do that (ie sharing household duties). If he won't pull his weight domestically, then he shouldn't expect you to pull your weight financially. But to unilaterally tell him 'I refuse to work, get a better job' is just as wrong as him telling you 'Get a job or we will have to sell the house' if that is not true. If it is true that the house is in danger, then you need to get a job if you want to keep the house, period.

You say you have 'no qualifications'. Does your dad still own his store? Can you work a few hours a week for him? And if you did work in his shop, then you can work in another shop or get a job as a sales associate somewhere. Just because you can't get a high paying 'professional' job certainly doesn't mean that you can't get any job.

I know of a couple where the husband kept telling the wife she needed to get a job, even a part time job. That he no longer wanted to carry the full financial burden as it was affecting his mental health and he was close to burning out. She refused. He carried on working like a dog for a while longer, then he realized that her refusal to consider his feelings and help out had pretty much killed the love he felt for her. And that he would be financially better off and happier if he left and paid child maintenance. So he walked, the house was sold and assets split, and she is now a single parent. One who had to get a job anyway.

You need to think seriously about what may happen if you continue to refuse to consider working and if you are telling him he needs to 'work harder' so you can stay home.

As I have said 3/4 times now go into benefits calculator and see of your entitled to any help.

Throw a fit and call you names?

Kick him out?

I'm so sorry, I saw your post and thought I had replied. I will do that asap

No, it sounds like he resents that his wife is refusing to face reality about their family financial situation.

If I had an unreliable unkind husband, I’d be desperate for a job to know I had some capacity to control my own life and protect my children. I understand it isn’t what you want, and it would be hard since you do everything, but life isn’t always what we want. You will have to take some shortcuts around the home (my husband and I are both ft with young kids, lots of mess in the house, some easy meals on regular rotation). Have you said to him: I’ll find a job, you will need to make lunches in the morning/ put the stuff in the blue basket through the washing machine and hang it out on Tuesday and Thursday? Listed a few simple clear tasks (knowing he won’t do any extra)

I know a LOT of women with this exact mindset. so pretty sure this is real.

@namechanged808 I think if you are cooking full Asian meals from scratch three times a day everyday, of course its exhausting. why not do batch cooking every few days and make more sandwiches, pasta etc.

if your husband complains... too bad

also what you are experiencing is learned helplessness. you are an adult woman, you can take control of your own life, having a job will help you gain confidence and new friends.

you are angry mainly at yourself and your choice of husband but thems the cookies. you probably see the jobs suggested as beneath you and see 'having to work' also as beneath you and unfair that all other women in your family are SAHM. your mum is telling you not to get divorced because 'what will everyone say' (for the sake of children is code for this). tbh you would find divorce very difficult (now that I have read all your posts) because remarriage will be pretty impossible in SA community and I'm not sure you will really want to work but you will have to.

Sorry but these are all VERY average household chore that most women manage to do in a couple of hours in the evening! You don’t need a full day to do these? I could do this all in about … 2 hours absolute maximum.

Schools local to me are advertising for these roles all the time. In fact often they send out reminders because nobody applies.

“He will call me names and throw a fit if I don't”

Throw a fit back 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is the one of the most honest posts I've ever read.

It's very interesting.
But, if remarriage is nearly impossible in south asian communities, wouldn't it be the reason why her parents are telling her not to get divorced, rather than "what would people say"?
Just curious

@namechanged808 when does your current mortgage expire?

I would assume they get help from their partner...
Unless they are single mums. Which I'm not, but am made to feel like i am

Being expected to contribute to the household financially doesn't make you anything like a single mother. How bloody insulting to people who actually do single-handedly provide financially for their entire household AND do all of the household tasks that you seem to think take all day.

You seem to be portraying yourself as rather helpless and a passenger in your own life. You have chosen never to pursue a career even before you got married or had children. You chose to marry this man. You chose to buy this house with him. You chose to have three children with him. It's time to step up, contribute to the household finances to pay for the home for the children you created and stop pretending making packed lunches and a bit of tidying up is a full-time occupation. Ridiculous to expect a man to provide for 5 people and put the children's home at risk and make them live a frugal lifestyle unnecessarily so you can faff around at home.

Haven’t read all comments.

was this arranged marriage op? I have read countless threads like this from south Asian women. Ofcourse happens everywhere but Asian women that are in this situation seem to martyr themselves like there’s no tomorrow.

I’m south Asian and some women have a tendency to martyr themselves over housework, because of the pressure to keep a perfect house. But once you start working outside of the house you stop giving a shit so those hours you seem to spend on housework will be less and less. I would also get your husband to do the housework. If he thinks it’s beneath him or he’s ‘too busy’ then stop doing his shit and just do yours and your kids. He will soon learn the maid won’t come and do it all. Stop giving a damn.

I would then find a job and make sure he pays half the childcare costs. I know you planned to be at home for x years but life doesn’t always go to plan, he doesn’t sound like a nice person and I completely understand your reluctance to work but if you make sure he does his fair share then it’ll be fine you will keep your house.

your family members that are happy to agree with you and egg you on should also be supporting you to divorce him, often many talk the talk but any talk of divorce they tell you to suck it up and do it for the kids.

but if you don’t want to leave him fine but if he wants a working wife then he needs to cover the domestic chores and child care too, you are not a slave. If you are from a similar community to mine then you will find that many of the younger British born women are not going to be run ragged and hold down a ft job, they make sure the husbands also do their fair share. You are doing the housework like you are an older auntie who will not rest. Sod that. Many men can’t handle this prospect of doing wife work so will marry a woman from back home but at least those men don’t demand the women work outside too. Also at your kids’ ages working even full time isn’t going to harm them as long as the time as long as you are giving them quality time and that can be done if both you and your husband are helping eachother out. I always prioritise that my kids are fed and I have spent quality time with them. My husband has a ‘very important job’ so often does long hours and comes back knackered, he finds the kids more tiring than housework so he comes home eats chats to us for short time and then clears up (also does this on his days off) so I can spend time feed and deal with the kids. On his days off he is more of a Disney dad but he makes up for that by doing most of the cooking and cleaning. My husband wasn’t born like this especially from the background we are from but he knows we both need to do our fair share otherwise it just won’t work he would feel my wrath

if he doesn’t want to do the wife work then work what hours you can, try to find some wfh type jobs if you can. I would also seek legal advice about your position whether or not he can sell the house without your agreement. Speak to citizens advice. You need to get tough with this but you need to be prepared to do things you did not plan to do like get a job. Get angry and stop being a stereotypical weak Asian woman!

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, or the feelings of any singe mum here, it wasn't my intention. All I meant was that I have to do all the childcare while holding a full-time job.

But he hasn't said you should get a full-time job, has he? Just a job.

And doing all of the childcare and working to make at least some small contribution to household finances is absolutely nothing like being a single mother. 🙄

The bottom line @namechanged808 is that when your mortgage/bills become unaffordable you will lose your house. Your children will lose their house and you'll end up owing money on your bills making it even more difficult to survive. I'd much rather work and miss the kids then have them lose that security for them.

It doesn't matter if he should step up or if he should get a better job or a second job. It doesn't matter if what's he's said is reasonable or not, it doesn't matter whether people tell you this is unreasonable or not, it doesn't matter if it's cultural or you can't stand the idea of not being a SAHM, because you don't have the financial means to do this. There is a stark financial reality you are ignoring. You need to get a part time job.