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Original poster

Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

847 replies

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:04

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
SouthLondonMum22 · 09/08/2023 01:09

CandyflossKaren · 09/08/2023 01:06

Young kids and op is still up at 1am telling people on the internet she can't possibly work!

To be fair, mine is younger and I'm still up.

OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 09/08/2023 01:09

When you switch from sahm to working (even part time), your family needs to pitch in. I think it's good that my dc have to help out. They've been doing laundry, cleaning and cooking from a young age.
It doesn't all have to go to pot.

Op even if you worked a couple of days a week at minimum wage that could easily be £500 a month extra. Wouldn't that make a massive difference to your family?

Highlyflavouredgravy · 09/08/2023 01:09

HalfMoon34 · 08/08/2023 23:55

The earlier suggestion of a TA (Teaching Assistant) job is a good one - no qualifications needed and the work is within school hours so you can still do drop off and pick up and it’s term time only so no holiday clubs needed. The salary is usually £16k- £18k entry level so most will be tax free for you (as within your personal allowance) giving you an extra £1,200-£1,400 a month. You should also be entitled to 30 hours funding per week in term time in Scotland for your 3 year old, so childcare costs should be really low. They’re crying out for teaching assistants - where we live there’s a real cultural mix of teaching assistants too.

None of that info is correct about being a TA

The working day starts BEFORE drop off time and ends after pick up time abd there is practically no flexibility. And that salary is way more than usual. Alk pay is pro rata and you don't get paid for lunch, break or holidays.
Also...no qualifications? Most TAs have a minimum of level 3 qualifications and lots have degrees.

EleanorLucyG · 09/08/2023 01:10

I don't know if this is a windup but if you're real I can't believe you'd rather divorce and risk losing your home that way than consider working a Zero hour contract job whilst your children are all in school/ nursery.

You don't understand why she'd consider divorcing a man who

a) appears to be somewhat workshy
b) is of low morals, thinking he can rip off the welfare state for a council house by claiming to be homeless when the reason for that is they sold their house!
c) won't do any parenting
d) won't do any housework
e) despite c&d, won't accept a stay at home wife?

Ok then.. guess you have lower standards than me. I'd divorce his sorry arse like a shot.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:10

I am taking everything on board and not turning a blind eye to your suggestions.

I am just trying to understand and find the best solution.

If I understand well, people are suggesting that I should be working to make up for my partner's mistakes. But that morally, he should be working more seriously/find a higher paying job. And I should have married someone less immature who isn't a dead beat. Which I fully agree with.

Divorce is not the best solution right now as I'm not working and it will leave me financially stranded.

How do I go about helping him find a better paying job? I want to help and encourage him for the sake of our children but I don't know where to start.

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 09/08/2023 01:10

If you've got multi children, and little ones running about then yes it can take up a good 8 hours of your day IF you're doing a proper job of it.
My house is immaculately organised and completely dirt free. I have High standards and would run my house like a hotel. I cooked 3 full meals a day. No sausage roll lunchboxes in my house. My husband got a proper meal to take to work and a proper meal when he got in cooked from scratch. He didn't lift a finger at home and he never even let me see a bill let alone worry about it.

CandyflossKaren · 09/08/2023 01:10

@ReadingSoManyThreads but op has a 6 hour daily stint of cooking and cleaning to be doing!

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:11

EleanorLucyG · 09/08/2023 01:10

I don't know if this is a windup but if you're real I can't believe you'd rather divorce and risk losing your home that way than consider working a Zero hour contract job whilst your children are all in school/ nursery.

You don't understand why she'd consider divorcing a man who

a) appears to be somewhat workshy
b) is of low morals, thinking he can rip off the welfare state for a council house by claiming to be homeless when the reason for that is they sold their house!
c) won't do any parenting
d) won't do any housework
e) despite c&d, won't accept a stay at home wife?

Ok then.. guess you have lower standards than me. I'd divorce his sorry arse like a shot.

To be fair he didn't suggest lying to the council.
I just asked that out of curiosity as I didn't want him to get any ideas. I lived with my in laws in the past and don't wish to do that again.

You are spot on for the rest. Thank you

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 09/08/2023 01:12

scoobysnaxx · 09/08/2023 01:09

@namechanged808 are you deluded? What on earth do you think us working mothers do????

I have 2 children already and I am currently nearing the end of my pregnancy.

I am still working full time as a Psychotherapist (very mentally draining and complicated at times).

I do breakfasts and lunchboxes.

I do the school runs.

I do the cooking and the cleaning.

I pay bills. Run errands.

Most days I don't sit down until about 10pm. I'm then crashed out for the night before doing it all over again from 6.30am the next day.

My partner also works full time and equally cooks and cleans.

We are not an anomaly.

This is MODERN LIFE FOR THE MAJORITY IN 2023.

You are deluded if you think you shouldn't be working and your husband should just get a better paying job.

Get a bloody job yourself. Contribute to the life and house you have financially if it's under threat. Provide for the 3 children you helped create.

In these times it takes everyone's hands to make it through tough times.

Imagine your husband divorced you. What would you do? You'd be right up shit creek without a paddle.

Hopefully you only do 50% of school runs, cooking and cleaning and bills and you don't have a pathetic husband who expects too much of you.

CandyflossKaren · 09/08/2023 01:12

You can't help him get a better job!

That has to come from him, and what is he qualified to do?

References?? If he's getting fired constantly then his references must be shit!

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:13

CandyflossKaren · 09/08/2023 01:06

Young kids and op is still up at 1am telling people on the internet she can't possibly work!

Should I go to bed with them at 7pm? lol

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:14

fullbloom87 · 09/08/2023 01:12

Hopefully you only do 50% of school runs, cooking and cleaning and bills and you don't have a pathetic husband who expects too much of you.

Show quote history

Thank you
I feel like he expects me to be a SAHM and a working mum. I can't juggle both.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:15

CandyflossKaren · 09/08/2023 01:12

You can't help him get a better job!

That has to come from him, and what is he qualified to do?

References?? If he's getting fired constantly then his references must be shit!

Yes, no way he'll get good references

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2023 01:16

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:10

I am taking everything on board and not turning a blind eye to your suggestions.

I am just trying to understand and find the best solution.

If I understand well, people are suggesting that I should be working to make up for my partner's mistakes. But that morally, he should be working more seriously/find a higher paying job. And I should have married someone less immature who isn't a dead beat. Which I fully agree with.

Divorce is not the best solution right now as I'm not working and it will leave me financially stranded.

How do I go about helping him find a better paying job? I want to help and encourage him for the sake of our children but I don't know where to start.

You can’t make him get a better paid job. You can talk about division of labour and what he is prepared to do to facilitate you getting a job. Eg as he works evenings /nights, he could do afternoon pick up and feed the kids /tidy up and get them ready for bed.

FreeRider · 09/08/2023 01:17

The OP reminds me of my mother ... she was a SAHP long after myself and my two brothers had started school...in fact she didn't get a job (part time) until I was 20 and my father was between contracts for 6 months...she HAD to get a job or they wouldn't have been able to pay the mortgage (on the house that my father hadn't actually wanted to buy in the first place).

She acted like she'd been sold into white slavery. Bought up by very wealthy Catholic parents, she firmly believed that my father 'owed' her financial support for the rest of her life because she'd had his children (she still does, to this day). A year later my father left her for another woman. She promptly gave up the job, went on benefits and never had another job again.

That was over 30 years ago and she still doesn't 'get' why most women with young children work outside the home nowadays. She thinks it's terrible.

EleanorLucyG · 09/08/2023 01:17

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2023 00:56

Op says he works all hours. That doesn’t sound lazy.

Show quote history

She also says he keeps getting fired. There's either a (possibly undiagnosed) medical issue of some sort for why he can't hold a job. Or there's an attitude problem with him and that's why he keeps getting fired. If it's the latter, I can well believe he's a cocklodger in the making. Especially given his desire to try to fiddle the system with the welfare state to obtain a council house.

CandyflossKaren · 09/08/2023 01:18

I'm surprised he's not suggested the obvious! 😉

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:19

CandyflossKaren · 09/08/2023 01:18

I'm surprised he's not suggested the obvious! 😉

?

OP posts:
OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 09/08/2023 01:19

Op you can help your dh get a better job if HE wants a better job. You could help him research and look for jobs and support him if he wants to retrain or qualify, by getting a job to take on some of the financial burden.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:20

OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 09/08/2023 01:19

Op you can help your dh get a better job if HE wants a better job. You could help him research and look for jobs and support him if he wants to retrain or qualify, by getting a job to take on some of the financial burden.

If he gets training, wouldn't it mean I'd have to cover both our salaries?

OP posts:
clarebear111 · 09/08/2023 01:22

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 01:10

I am taking everything on board and not turning a blind eye to your suggestions.

I am just trying to understand and find the best solution.

If I understand well, people are suggesting that I should be working to make up for my partner's mistakes. But that morally, he should be working more seriously/find a higher paying job. And I should have married someone less immature who isn't a dead beat. Which I fully agree with.

Divorce is not the best solution right now as I'm not working and it will leave me financially stranded.

How do I go about helping him find a better paying job? I want to help and encourage him for the sake of our children but I don't know where to start.

OP, with the best will in the world, it sounds unlikely you can support or encourage your husband into getting and maintaining a better job. You can try, but experience seems to show that your husband is unreliable and not a good provider.

I understand this might be difficult, but it’s also a reality check. Your position is a very vulnerable one because you are dependent on someone who has shown they cannot provide for you.

You want to keep your home, and you aren’t in a position to separate. By your own account your financial situation does not include a buffer and there’s no wriggle room. More money needs to come in to the household, and the uncomfortable truth is that your husband is unlikely to be able to earn it.

Of course your husband should be doing more, but you can’t force him to and you have no control over it. You only have control over what you can do and what you prioritise. If your priority is keeping your home, get a job, part time if needs be until your kids are old enough. If your priority is remaining a SAHM, you have to accept it is likely you will lose your home.

I’m sorry this is a difficult situation for you. I wish you all the best with it.

Growlybear83 · 09/08/2023 01:22

I'm quite surprise by all the posts I've read suggesting that the OP should get herself a part time job in a school or nursery. Do they have any idea how few and far between jobs in schools are now, particularly with the huge cuts that schools are having to make in their support staff? The competition is huge for teaching assistant jobs now and it's really not easy to get work in a school now.

fullbloom87 · 09/08/2023 01:23

Sorry Id you've already covered this op but what does your family and in laws think?

OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 09/08/2023 01:24

"If he gets training, wouldn't it mean I'd have to cover both our salaries?"

Not necessarily. It depends what he wants to do. Some courses are part time, some you can do online in your spare time, some mean getting a degree, some you can do on the job but you might have to take a reduced salary to start off with but the earning potential is higher.

Thebotshavetakenover · 09/08/2023 01:24

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:48

A lot of people agree with me here

Show quote history

You are disgraceful throwing around the word abuse so casually! Your husband telling you that you need to earn money to keep your house is not abuse! It’s a fact.
You ARE NOT being financially abused and to say you are is offensive and insulting to women who are genuinely being financially abused. A lot of people don’t agree with you, it’s just a couple of posters who also don’t know what financial abuse is. ffs