Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

@FadeAwayAndRadiate

Don’t be ridiculous (and hysterical). The OP’s husband is a low earner and there’s a cost of living crisis. It’s perfectly normal to work PT / term time once your youngest is at nursery. No one is suggesting she work FT.

Being a mother, wife and a home maker is not ‘a job’ - it doesn’t earn money. If the OP’s husband is constantly getting sacked the chances of him turning into Mr Big Provider are zero - but even if he did get a second job, there is no reason the OP can’t work when the kids are elsewhere.

They are both as bad as each other IMO and I wouldn’t want to be married to either in their current states, but as a rule, divorce makes people poorer - so unless either of them really want that, it’s probably not a great idea. Getting child support from a man doing casual work can be very hard. I don’t know where you get the idea he’d have to look after his kids several days a week, but no, no one can make him do that.

I wasn't looking for sympathy, I was just explaining how it accounted for 6 hours of work before the kids even came home.

Op says he works all hours. That doesn’t sound lazy.

Can you not get a job in the nursery where your youngest child goes to? I’m sure you can work while doing the qualification. Or TA in school? That means you’re home when your children are, no additional childcare costs etc and you won’t miss out on your children. Or even a dinner lady job?

I get why you don’t want to work full time with young children. I never worked FT when mine were small and I don’t regret that for a second. However, by working part time (teacher) I was able to remain independent and have something of my own outside the family unit. You sound very intelligent, and I know it’s always been your dream to be a SAHM (which does not make you a gold digger), but you can have both! If you’re in Scotland, can you do uni tuition fee free? Or do you want to be a housewife forever? Just it seems you’re reliant on a man who doesn’t seem dependable.

Can you work in the evenings whilst he is home?

Your husband is unreliable, arguing that he needs to get a better paid job is pointless because he won't will he.
Therefore as your children's other parent you should be working and providing for them when you can.
You said you want to keep the house, to do that you need to be earning some money.
Your poor choice of husband means you no longer have the luxury of being a SAHM unless you choose to divorce of course, even then the government expect you to start some work when they turn 5 in most circumstances.

Look at ReadingSoManyThreads and OnBoardTheHeartOfGold's posts.
Those are two of many

He works evening/night shifts

"I get up in the morning, make breakfast for the kids, husband and myself, pack their lunches, drop the kids off to school. come home, do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, make lunch, by the time lunch is done it's time to hand the laundry, then I do the dishes again. Make dinner. Do the dishes.

By then it's already 3pm. I pick up the kids and then it's intense until their bedtime. And then I have to clean the mess they made."

OP this is nonsense. You don't need to clean the house every day and if you pack lunches, who are you making lunch for? And how long does it actually take to throw a sandwich or similar together?

The fact is, culture or not, you can't afford to stay living where you are and being a SAHM. You need to either move house or GET A JOB like most British women.

How much mess is your family making, how much dirtiness are they creating that you have hours of cleaning every day when they're at school and nursery plus further mess to clean up after they go to bed? That's not normal OP.

Either you're wildly exaggerating the hours you spend cleaning or your children are completely out of control when it comes to the mess / dirt they create.

I assume it's the former rather than the latter.

What jobs / tidying up / responsibilities have you given your 5 and 7 year old to do? Why are they leaving so much mess and dirt without consequences, with you simply tolerating it and not expecting them to clean up after themselves to some extent? Is it because they're boys you don't think they should have to learn any household chores?

@monsteramunch

When I was a sahm I was literally cleaning 8 hours a day at least. Up at 6am and didn't sit down till 11pm. Always something to do. As a working mum I used to fantasise about how much id get done if I didn't work. I imagined sitting in coffee shops etc but the reality couldn't be further from the truth. When you're a working mum it gives you an excuse to let things slip and to delegate and outsource but the pressure is all on you when you're a sahm and these days society has no respect for sahp which is sad in my opinion.

Exactly this

You were cleaning 8 hours a day??? Yeah, right!

No one needs to clean for 8 hours a day, SAHP or not. It's a choice.

You're fixated on that being a lot, but trust me, your list is nothing you can't do with some part time, even full time, hours added.

It might seem unfair but the sooner you accept that, you might find that you can take control, overcome this, and do better for your kids and especially yourself.

If you're cleaning a family home (not a stately home) for eight hours a day then you're making an active choice to do a ridiculous amount of cleaning well over and above what is necessary. Surely you know that?

OP is saying she has to do the level of cleaning she does now and therefore can't possibly work, even party time. Even if financially her family is not currently in a good place. Even if it means she's reliant on a man who could end the relationship and leave her pretty high and dry financially. Even when every year she doesn't work is another year she has no experience and damages her chances of employment in future.

I don't know if this is a windup but if you're real I can't believe you'd rather divorce and risk losing your home that way than consider working a Zero hour contract job whilst your children are all in school/ nursery.
Of course your husband needs to find better work but why wouldn't you consider getting a job if that means helping towards financial stability for you all?
If even the youngest is in nursery then you don't need to worry about childcare. You don't have the luxury of comparing with others.

It's either I obey and comply with financial abuse or my house is taken away from me.

It's not financial abuse because it's not a threat and he isn't the one "going to take the house off you".

It's a fact that you'll lose the house if the mortgage isn't paid. The bank who currently are the ones who own it, not you and husband. The bank is who will be taking it off you.

If it's sold by you and husband, you get the best price for it. Hopefully there's equity in it, meaning you pay off the mortgage and there's some money left over. That money is 50% yours. Hopefully your 50% is enough for a deposit on something else for you and DC if you divorce. Or 100% of that money left after the sale is enough for something smaller for you and DC and DH, if you stay together. See a divorce solicitor for advice before making a final decision on what to do. It could be possible to divorce and keep the house until DC turns 18 (then it's sold and you get 50%), but you'll need to work, the government won't let you be a SAHM.

If you don't get a job and he can't/won't keep a job and the mortgage isn't paid, the house will be repossessed. If it's repossessed then sold by the mortgage company, all they care about is selling it quickly. They'll likely auction it, it won't sell for as high a price as it could. If whatever it sells for isn't enough to pay off the remaining mortgage, you both will still owe that money to the bank.

So regardless of what route you choose to go down, selling the house is probably going to be what happens. Best get used to the idea.

Lots of us have had to change what we wanted to do. That's life, with the massive increases in mortgages you have to do what you have to do to stay afloat.
Sorry OP, I'm struggling to find much sympathy for someone who has two school aged children and a further child in nursery that still doesn't want to work despite wanting to be a home owner.

This is a wind up, people.

@namechanged808 if you try to get a part-time job in a local school in the office or as a dinner lady, you don't need qualifications for this, and you'll have the school holidays off for being with the children. I would put some of your earnings into a secret fund for yourself so that when you leave him, you have something to help fund that. Your husband is unreliable and a bully by the sounds of it, and as much as you want to be a SAHM, it would be very wise to earn some of your own money, so that you do not remain trapped in this awful marriage.

It certainly feels that way

Young kids and op is still up at 1am telling people on the internet she can't possibly work!

To be fair, I'm still up at 1am and have young children!

@namechanged808 are you deluded? What on earth do you think us working mothers do????

I have 2 children already and I am currently nearing the end of my pregnancy.

I am still working full time as a Psychotherapist (very mentally draining and complicated at times).

I do breakfasts and lunchboxes.

I do the school runs.

I do the cooking and the cleaning.

I pay bills. Run errands.

Most days I don't sit down until about 10pm. I'm then crashed out for the night before doing it all over again from 6.30am the next day.

My partner also works full time and equally cooks and cleans.

We are not an anomaly.

This is MODERN LIFE FOR THE MAJORITY IN 2023.

You are deluded if you think you shouldn't be working and your husband should just get a better paying job.

Get a bloody job yourself. Contribute to the life and house you have financially if it's under threat. Provide for the 3 children you helped create.

In these times it takes everyone's hands to make it through tough times.

Imagine your husband divorced you. What would you do? You'd be right up shit creek without a paddle.