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Original poster

Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

847 replies

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:04

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
tt9 · 09/08/2023 00:45

@namechanged808 OK OP I am south Asian too and am very well aware of some of the issues facing you. unfortunately your husband is an entitled arse who is expecting all the cultural benefits to him but none of the responsibilities.

your choices:

  1. talk to his and your parents and ask them for help - hopefully they will have words with him (other posters will find this horrific, but in a lot of situations this works in our communities). if however, your parents are not supportive:
  1. LTB. I really hope you are married in UK law and did not do a religious marriage only. he will have to sell the house and you will get half the share of the equity which you can use to set yourself up including moving back to England, sorting out your education and getting into a career with decent earning potential.
  1. during all points in stage 1 and 2 and talk to your husband and tell him it's not acceptable. if he wants you to work, first he has to get a job and then he has to learn to look after the children and help in the house. otherwise, you will leave him. end of story.
monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 00:45

When they are a bit more independent

So roughly what age?

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:45

WandaWonder · 09/08/2023 00:44

It was your choice to have 3 kids

Show quote history

We would still be in a vulnerable financial situation if we only had one kid.

OP posts:
DinoRoar14 · 09/08/2023 00:45

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:41

So it's okay for them to be SAHMs but not me? Suddenly because they married richer they are not entitled gold diggers, but i am? Just because I made the mistake to trust the wrong person

Show quote history

Yes it is absolulty OK for them to be a SAHM and not you. If every single other woman in the UK was a SAHM and you weren't that would be OK

Because its a decision that has to be based on both partners agreeing to it and it being financially possible. It's kit a right.

fullbloom87 · 09/08/2023 00:46

@WandaWonder

To be fair her husband also made the choice to have the children. It wasn't an immaculate conception was it.

Refrosty · 09/08/2023 00:46

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:41

So it's okay for them to be SAHMs but not me? Suddenly because they married richer they are not entitled gold diggers, but i am? Just because I made the mistake to trust the wrong person

Show quote history

Yep. Luck of the draw I'm afraid. Nobody but your husband made any promises to you. And it's him who is letting you down.

Precisely why many women do not choose to be SAHMs.

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 00:46

Of course he will give up work if you divorce him!

You've already said he is unreliable at working so this will be the ideal opportunity to stop working, so he can avoid paying maintenance.

You will all be in a terrible state then.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:46

tt9 · 09/08/2023 00:45

@namechanged808 OK OP I am south Asian too and am very well aware of some of the issues facing you. unfortunately your husband is an entitled arse who is expecting all the cultural benefits to him but none of the responsibilities.

your choices:

  1. talk to his and your parents and ask them for help - hopefully they will have words with him (other posters will find this horrific, but in a lot of situations this works in our communities). if however, your parents are not supportive:
  1. LTB. I really hope you are married in UK law and did not do a religious marriage only. he will have to sell the house and you will get half the share of the equity which you can use to set yourself up including moving back to England, sorting out your education and getting into a career with decent earning potential.
  1. during all points in stage 1 and 2 and talk to your husband and tell him it's not acceptable. if he wants you to work, first he has to get a job and then he has to learn to look after the children and help in the house. otherwise, you will leave him. end of story.

Thank you for your reply.

His mum will not listen to me. She tells me it's between him and me. Only thing my mum says is I can't divorce him.

Thankfully we are legally married on top of our nikah, so I am technically entitled to half.

OP posts:
babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 09/08/2023 00:47

Sorry to be blunt but you need to get a job. Your children are yours to support too! What do you do all day when the kids are at school and nursery? I don’t think you can call yourself a stay at home mum if your kids aren’t even there - you’re just unemployed. To be honest it’s really selfish to leave your husband and kids with the bare minimum each month - only about to afford absolute necessities and never and treats of security - just because you don’t feel like working. My husband is from a culture where traditionally men work but women always get jobs when money is tight! And these days women work just to provide extra for their families. Tradition and your own wants aren’t more important than your families needs.

ballsdeep · 09/08/2023 00:47

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:39

I agree. But not with children as young as 3, 5, and 7.

I know in America mums get 3 months maternity leave but I don't think that makes anything okay.

Show quote history

Op they are in SCHOOL!!!!!!! What on earth?! I’m bowing out of this thread because it’s like banging heads against a brick wall. You need to get a job or you’ll lose the house. That’s not financial abuse that is reality. you are hiding behind culture but you need to face facts.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:47

DinoRoar14 · 09/08/2023 00:45

Yes it is absolulty OK for them to be a SAHM and not you. If every single other woman in the UK was a SAHM and you weren't that would be OK

Because its a decision that has to be based on both partners agreeing to it and it being financially possible. It's kit a right.

Show quote history

But that's the thing right. We don't both agree on it.
It's being forced on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:48

ballsdeep · 09/08/2023 00:47

Op they are in SCHOOL!!!!!!! What on earth?! I’m bowing out of this thread because it’s like banging heads against a brick wall. You need to get a job or you’ll lose the house. That’s not financial abuse that is reality. you are hiding behind culture but you need to face facts.

Show quote history

A lot of people agree with me here

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 00:48

Asked a few times OP - do you really expect people to believe you cook and clean for 6 to 8 hours every weekday?!

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:49

ballsdeep · 09/08/2023 00:47

Op they are in SCHOOL!!!!!!! What on earth?! I’m bowing out of this thread because it’s like banging heads against a brick wall. You need to get a job or you’ll lose the house. That’s not financial abuse that is reality. you are hiding behind culture but you need to face facts.

Show quote history

I don't understand why he can't find a higher paying job. That would solve all our issues. He wouldn't even have to work more hours.
He works non-stop and always complains about back pain.
I don't understand.

OP posts:
ballsdeep · 09/08/2023 00:50

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:48

A lot of people agree with me here

Show quote history

No, they really don’t.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:51

monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 00:48

Asked a few times OP - do you really expect people to believe you cook and clean for 6 to 8 hours every weekday?!

I get up in the morning, make breakfast for the kids, husband and myself, pack their lunches, drop the kids off to school. come home, do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, make lunch, by the time lunch is done it's time to hand the laundry, then I do the dishes again. Make dinner. Do the dishes.

By then it's already 3pm. I pick up the kids and then it's intense until their bedtime. And then I have to clean the mess they made.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/08/2023 00:51

Your husband is fucking deluded.

Your best option in this situation is to get a part-time job, then try to increase your hours once your youngest is in school, to help with the finances.

However, the ultimatum would make me seriously recoil from my husband. Who does he think he is ordering you about? If finances are tight, sit down and have a calm adult conversation with your wife, not give her an ultimatum based on some seriously deluded thinking that you'd be given a council house, that is seriously laughable. And as for private renting, have either of you looked at the cost of private rents at the moment? The guy is a joke. By all means, if you're living in a mansion, sell and downsize, but other than get, get yourself a part time job, preferably a new husband too. Prick.

DinoRoar14 · 09/08/2023 00:51

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:47

But that's the thing right. We don't both agree on it.
It's being forced on me.

Show quote history

No. You are wrong. You both have to agree to become a SAHM. Only 1 of you needs to say no to take it off the table.

You're going to have to get a job whatever happens. Whether you want to or not and whether you stay married or not. Your messed up choices got you here and you'll carry on making them but that's all on you.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 09/08/2023 00:52

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:49

I don't understand why he can't find a higher paying job. That would solve all our issues. He wouldn't even have to work more hours.
He works non-stop and always complains about back pain.
I don't understand.

Show quote history

At this point I don’t even believe this thread is real. Surely nobody is like this? Your kids are in school and you’re blaming your husband that your family can’t afford their home because his job it too low paying? But you sit around all day alone in the house yet call yourself a stay at home mum? Even though your kids aren’t even there 😂 Get a job bloody hell. We’d all like to sit at home watching tv all day but this is the real world. Provide for your children and stop thinking only about yourself.

OnBoardTheHeartOfGold · 09/08/2023 00:52

Op ask him why he doesn't get a higher paying job? Because it sounds like he could.
I wonder if you earned enough to pay the bills whether he'd even bother to work himself. He sounds lazy.

Swansandcustard · 09/08/2023 00:52

OP, you need to get out to work. There are lots of zero hours contracts and you can tell them when you can/can’t work. You don’t need qualifications. Forget the whole ‘husband should provide’ thing. Think about making your children’s’ lives more enjoyable and having a bit of an emergency fund. You aren’t being financially abused, I would imagine your mortgage has gone up significantly with all the interest rate rises, and where you were coping on one wage, you can’t any more.

Have you looked into what benefits you may be entitled to?

Im not sure if your husband is crap at keeping jobs or in fact he lost his job with the family and hadn’t been able to find something permanent enough since - your story on this has changed throughout.

Stop fixating on the ‘gold digger’ too. The poster actually said you WERENT a gold digger as your husband isn’t wealthy.

I understand culturally it wasn’t expected for a woman to go out to work, but the time and location where that originated didn’t have a cost of living crisis etc.

If you have family nearby, could they not help with the childcare if necessary?

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:53

ballsdeep · 09/08/2023 00:50

No, they really don’t.

Show quote history

It seems to be 50/50

OP posts:
babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 09/08/2023 00:53

Also the people who you think are agreeing with you aren’t! They’re saying your husband is an idiot for thinking he will get a council house. They’re not agreeing that you shouldn’t have to work!

Refrosty · 09/08/2023 00:54

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:51

I get up in the morning, make breakfast for the kids, husband and myself, pack their lunches, drop the kids off to school. come home, do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry, make lunch, by the time lunch is done it's time to hand the laundry, then I do the dishes again. Make dinner. Do the dishes.

By then it's already 3pm. I pick up the kids and then it's intense until their bedtime. And then I have to clean the mess they made.

Show quote history

You're not likely to find sympathy here since many of us working mothers do all that and work.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:55

Swansandcustard · 09/08/2023 00:52

OP, you need to get out to work. There are lots of zero hours contracts and you can tell them when you can/can’t work. You don’t need qualifications. Forget the whole ‘husband should provide’ thing. Think about making your children’s’ lives more enjoyable and having a bit of an emergency fund. You aren’t being financially abused, I would imagine your mortgage has gone up significantly with all the interest rate rises, and where you were coping on one wage, you can’t any more.

Have you looked into what benefits you may be entitled to?

Im not sure if your husband is crap at keeping jobs or in fact he lost his job with the family and hadn’t been able to find something permanent enough since - your story on this has changed throughout.

Stop fixating on the ‘gold digger’ too. The poster actually said you WERENT a gold digger as your husband isn’t wealthy.

I understand culturally it wasn’t expected for a woman to go out to work, but the time and location where that originated didn’t have a cost of living crisis etc.

If you have family nearby, could they not help with the childcare if necessary?

Yes, apologies, the whole gold digger thing was a misunderstanding.

Thank you for your kind message and suggestions.

Unfortunately I don't have family around, my family lives back in England. My in-laws aren't really supportive and aren't particularly interested in the kids.

OP posts: